I Do Not Own Linkin Park or The song/lyrics to Crawling, that is owned by highly successful people of which have lots of money, which I don't! Though one day I shall buy Chester off Ebay.
Randomness at it's weirdest
Please bare in mind I haven't seen Series 4- I live in good old England and we have just thoroughly enjoyed Series 3 -.- If any of this information becomes obsolete or doesn't make sense now since Series 4 please forgive me... (I haven't been able to locate the discs on Ebay ;)
Told From Two Alternating points of view, I think it's quite easy to distinguish the two. If not, do not hesitate to be confused :D email me if necessary!
Frozen
"crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real"
Consumed and trapped by my own dark loneliness. The pain I've brought upon myself, the price of controlling the demon within me. It has been price I have had to pay since the day I was born, the day my torment began, to have been cursed with doomed oblivion of numb emotions as my life. Bitter resentment is my only release my only companion, apart from my shadow. And even that can be more free spirited than me.
For so long and since so young, I have watched through my third eye at the happiness of others my age. As I lay in the comfort of the shadows, other children were chasing butterflies into the glitter of the upcoming day. I wish now I hadn't watched the other children, if only I'd conformed to those above me's wishes rather than sneak a peak at this multicoloured flamboyant world, I'd never have come to resent so deeply my own darkness.
I say to myself everyday that I have been released from some of the gloom, that I have been blessed with four friends who to some extent can understand my position. However my mind to them is an ancient puzzle better left to solve itself. I find myself at ease with them maybe to some extent pleasurable time spent hanging out. But ultimately I cannot trust them, I have been hurt by so many I have trusted, why burden my heart with yet more pain? I'd gladly put my life in their hands that is nothing, but to offer them my heart and soul would be stupidity beyond the cosmos, I don't think I could handle anymore emotional pain.
It's funny how people perceive me to be cold, uncaring and self centred, yet none try to understand this persona. None care dwell on the unhappiness, yet to fully understand me that would be the first hurdle, then loneliness. It's not that I am fully frozen, my heart and soul are trapped within an icy vortex but that is because those who have tried to break it, only then turned against me to cool it further.
My emotions aren't frozen but concealed, they are like an inferno that burns deeper within me, slashing my body with each bout of happiness and each depth of sadness. I couldn't even comprehend love, I doubt I've ever permit myself to feel it, even when it has slashed mercilessly at my soul and stared me so lovingly at my back. Yet cruelly I could turn a cold shoulder as if it were merely a fly.
I've gone the easiest of routes and lied once more. I have once and only once permitted myself to feel and even enjoy a small amount of love. But that was a tainted deceitful love which my heart still heals.
To let my emotions loose would be a catastrophe of terrifying proportions, to know how they tear at my being so forcefully, I can only imagine, when empowered by my powers the destruction it could cause. So that it why I cannot simply let them take control of me, it would weaken me and potentially endanger those who have come to tolerate me.
I know how they perceive me, they make attempts to understand but then another task catches their interest. They sometimes discuss in whispers about me, contemplating how they could include me more and help me enjoy life, sometimes how dismal I look and how I seem to radiate gloom. And sometimes they laugh, try to make a joke at my lack of enthusiasm for existence, laughing at the point that the times they have seen my smile they could count on one hand.
They think I don't hear but the shadows are my dark domain, they are my calling, my comfort zones. I am oblivious, whilst they watch stupidity on the TV I sulk in the darkness, I hear everything. As long as there is light there will always be darkness, always, there will be a hiding place in the inky gloom when neither has invited me to the light.
And now I laugh in hysterical whispers as the crimson streams meet at the palm of my hand, the elixir of life creating small rivers as the bitterness and contempt runs with them. Again I have been weak enough to attack my arms rather than dealing the final slash across my wrist, but tomorrow's another day and I fall asleep, tired and weak on my bedroom floor, laughing.
"there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem"
Somehow the bright flicker of multicoloured images, couldn't distract my normally brief thoughts. I couldn't help but let my mind wander to her, her thoughts and her feelings, she had always been a beautiful mystery to me. A mystery my mind would never let rest. My one goal in life would be to see her smile at me, not at my stupidity or my wild fantastic humour but me, Garfield Logan, more commonly know as the magnificent Beast Boy.
I watched as my other friends relaxed comfortably on the sofa. Cyborg so engrossed in the special effects of the on screen movie whilst Robin and Starfire every now and again would shift closer and closer to each other hoping they would appear oblivious.
Damn, why wasn't this movie gripping my concentration. I decided maybe pizza was the answer, I mean you can't concentrate on an empty stomach can you?
Morphing into a bush baby I picked helplessly at the pizza toppings whilst making sure my gigantic eyes were fixated on the screen. Still I was fidgety, all these thoughts flowing into minuscule brain, memories and fantasies alike.
"to find myself again
my walls are closing in
without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take"
"Erm, Raven I was wondering whether you'd want to come and watch a movie with us." I asked weakly, all my courage and confidence dwindling into nothing.
I had found her meditating in the cold night air, her concentration fixated on the clear nights sky. The deathly silence of the night haunted me and I couldn't understand why someone would want to be in such an isolated and freaky environment.
"I'm fine."
"Well if you don't wanna hang with those guys, then we could talk somewhere, like my room or yours?" I added, my eyes were scrunched up with hope and anticipation. I had dreamed before of a moment like this, though this time we were fully clothed and she wasn't throwing herself at my feet. She would turn to me and say "Yeah sure beast boy, I think your the coolest, hottest boy around and I would like totally want to go out with a hot guy like you" In those exact words.
"No I'd rather not." She muttered not even gracing me with a glance.
"What! Erm, Okay then... We could just talk here if you want?" I persisted, I really didn't want to leave her alone out here, I didn't want to leave her alone at all. Not in any particular obsessive way, it's just I longed to solve the darkly beautiful mystery of her ways and persona, but try as I might I seemed always to be rejected and then distracted. I wanted to embrace her, love her, warm her in this cold prickling night solitude.
"I don't want to talk." She stated monotonously.
"Well, then you could listen whilst I talk or we could take a walk in silence, what ever, where ever I don't mind." I babbled desperately willing to communicate with her somehow.
"No I'm pretty much happy up here."
"Well, okay fine." I replied sadly, her back turned to me still. "But if.. No" I stammered. Defeated. If that's what she wanted then that was her choice I'd only be back the next night and the next until she realised I was true to my feelings.
"Beastboy." She called from her silence, eagerly I spun to face her.
"Yeah?" I smiled, my voice full of anticipation and curiosity but still something within me told me it was fools hope.
"Why do you attempt to tear me away from solitude?" She said, her voice the same monotone with no more or less emotion.
"Because I care about you... AS a friend and I don't like seeing you unhappy... As a friend would." I rambled, my words contradicting my thoughts.
"Good." She replied her eyes still fixated on the night sky.
"Good?" I questioned, she was such a girl of little words each one had to have some depth for her to utter it. "Why good?"
"Because, I don't want you to follow some foolish fancy. To come up here on false pretences. I know how you feel Beast Boy and I pity you. Your emotions are misleading and ultimately shall never be returned." She uttered as if she were simply refusing a drink. My blood turned cold, it was as if she had succeeded in sapping the warmth around her and freezing it to suit her icy liking. My body reacted in the only way it could, making my blood boil.
"Because You never give anyone a chance you push people away from you!" I shouted, my love and anguish morphing into rage and anger as easily as I could morph from the harmless kitty cat to the ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex.
"Why should I welcome people openly into my arms when they bring pain and confusion. Why should I welcome you so openly into my arms, to annoy me, to chastise and laugh at me. It is a disease I'd rather not welcome into my life." Turning her head slightly so that she could see me, yet I knew that she didn't fully acknowledge me, it was if I was a mere fly she could cruelly turn her back to.
"You're so Hate able Raven! Your lonely, unhappy and yet you still find time to be a complete bitch. Sometimes I Hate everything about you, then I ask myself why do I love you? So if you think your the one who might befall some disease think how I feel being in love knowing it will never be returned." I shouted, my innermost feelings and thoughts filled the air waves and still I knew it wasn't enough.
"Your love means nothing to me. I'm sorry you wasted a journey up here." She uttered turning her head to gaze at her beloved night sky. Consumed by rage I pivoted towards the door way but before descending down the stairs back to the happy chatter I turned to her.
"It is I who Pity's You!"
"I've felt this way before
so insecure"
I'd given up on the movie now and spent my time observing the flicker of the shadows. How they consumed most of the room, I almost felt at peace in the darkness. I didn't want to dwell on her rejection of me, yet I found that gazing into the gloom of the shadows calmed me thus I was alarmed when Starfire reached for the light switch.
"Hey Star What are you doing?"
"I wish to turn on the lights?" She questioned, staring at me with her bright tamaranian eyes
"I just think that it's better darker."
"OoOo, someone's been spending time with Raven." Cyborg laughed momentarily distracted from his film to poke fun at me.
"Hardly, Ravens becoming more reclusive with each passing day." Robin quipped in. I felt like shouting at him that it was her fault that she was becoming more and more isolated but I knew that with rage brought guilt and already I was feeling guiltier with each rolling minute.
"Yes, I too have noticed friend Raven is more wary of us than ever. Do you think we have offended her in any way?" Starfire added, her face scrunched in thought.
"I don't know but all this darkness and solitude can't be doing her any good." Robin concluded.
"Anyway can we keep the light off please." I pleaded, sighing with relief as Starfire ceased her actions.
Though I could never feel at home in the darkness, the shadows felt as if they were familiar. Without light there would be no shadow. No dark mystery for me to implore further.
Finally I let out a subdued yawn, making quick "Goodnights" which I'm sure robin and Starfire welcomed so that they could begin their kissing of one another. Stealthily I made my way to my bedroom, making sure that the hallways remained dark, I think the shadows were glad that I had done that.
"crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real"
I woke up early to find the heavens crying, stormy and thunderous and I couldn't think of a more perfect day. As I peeled myself from the bedroom floor, I searched my room for my usual attire, rolling down the sleeves to cover my now dried but sore gashes.
This wasn't the first morning I had woken up to the realism which is my constant depression. To look at my arms one could only sense what pain it must have caused, but never would they realise the magnitude of my mental pain, my body had become an emotionless shell as each day I could feel my life slipping away mentally.
He had said he loved me. Nights maybe weeks ago when I laughed myself to sleep. It had been days since that event but weeks since I had realised the depth of his love for me. Yet I found that I couldn't even wade in the shallow waters of his adoration, neither could I bring myself to skim such depth, I knew if I was tempted I would fall into a vortex of confusion only to be spat up worse off than before. This love within me burned and yearned but I wouldn't allow it, I still find outlet for the inferno which plagues my soul and still after the passage of time, I wake up to find my body slashed and my arms raw.
"discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting"
Floating into the kitchen I tried to smile at the falling rain. It had been so long since I had, I had almost forgot how. It scared me that I couldn't remember the simple physical movements to show happiness but did let me realise how unhappy I had become. Weakly I let tears slip down my pale cheeks, around me I could feel the room shudder with my display of emotion. The rain hit the windows harder and the cupboards rattled, all because of a few lonely tears slipping down my cheeks.
Again I had woken up early to avoid confrontations. It hadn't always been so. I started with my hood always staying up to shield my face, that became the avoidance of conversation whilst in their presence. Now I'd removed myself from them as best I could, conducting my day either early in the morning or in the dead of night. I couldn't bare to witness their happiness when I had none to share, I couldn't bring myself to be a part of their laughter when I hadn't heard myself giggle for too long.
And to an extent I hated them as much as I almost loved them. To them their lives had only began, they had era's to share and decades to enjoy and do as they please whereas I would be resigned to a world of dark and emotionless gloom, death being my only future into world beyond what we could comprehend, my future lies in the unbeknownst afterlife and that just made my tears flow faster and world shake beneath me.
They had their rose coloured glasses, to them when the going gets tough they could just keep on trying, a unity of blossomed friendship. And I cried louder, to the brink of screaming at God. Cursing him for the utter abomination which is my life, shouting in hysterical wails of bitter resentment. Why couldn't he take some of my pain? Why couldn't he share out my pain so that I only felt a fraction of this burning inferno? So I didn't have to live a life where I only lived through the shadows of others away from the light so I could have turned back to the one I loved and embraced him under the moonlight, loved him back so that we both weren't left frozen.
The room shook beneath me as my tears flowed faster, I couldn't control them it was as if my one solitary tear had given path to others. I hated it, it was a pain I wasn't brought up to deal with but lock away. Panicking I sought after the only thing which would bring an end to the tears.
Breathing heavily I fell to my knees staring down at the knife in my hand, its blade red with droplets of blood. Gazing down at my arm I watched as the blood seeped through the newly slashed wounds. "BB" I couldn't even bring myself to look at it, instead of my tears flowing for my forbidden love, my blood weeped for him.
He was just more pain etched into my arm, if one were ever to look closely they would have seen the faint remains of "Alone" on the calve of my leg, raw and scabby from its attempt at healing. I never quickened the healing of my scars, I knew if I had attempted the lack of physical pain and immense mental torture would have lead me to create new gashes down my body. But never would I permit someone so close to look at my bleeding body. Never would I permit someone so close to even touch me.
"Raven?" A soft voice tarnishing the early morning silence. He had caught me at my weakest and I could only imagine what he must see through his eyes.
"Please leave me." I whispered through gritted teeth, my arm had become a sodden red mess and there was nowhere I could hide being so emotionally drained.
"Raven.. What's this?" He cried as if my harsh words of nights or weeks before had, had not impact on him whatsoever. "Have you hurt yourself." He questioned so innocent in all my darkness, I would push him so far from me so that he dangled of the edge of the universe if it meant I'd never have to hurt him.
"I'm fine, please just go." I cried, my heart burned as he took several steps towards me. I could feel my soul become empowered by my love for him, yet within me I could feel it being corrupted by my powers.
He was behind me, glancing over my pitiful quivering frame, I could almost sense behind me his eyes wide with shock and fear. I'd hurt him somehow in my actions I'd hurt him. The stupid mess of my blood stained flesh.
"What have you done." He whispered, his voice full of sadness and terror, he couldn't understand it was a means of survival, to survive another day in hope that soon their would be a flame to light my dull gloom.
"JUST GO!" I screamed, my love, rage, sadness rolling into one almighty ball of corrupted energy. It was as though my emotions were tying me to the floor of the room. I could acknowledge nothing else but the restrictions of my own emotions, they weighed heavily on my back, the energy weighing my physical being down till all I could do was break free. I flung my head back screaming as my energy spun off in all different directions.
He'd awoken them once more, I tried to reach for the knife, to fight my pain with something worse my own infliction. I searched with my hands, desperately feeling my way for the sharp instrument. Suddenly I knew where it lay.
"GIVE IT ME" I screamed, my blood seeping fast through my wounds as the sky view windows of the titan tower cracked behind me. The knife taunted me, secured safely within his grasp.
"NO!" He shouted defiantly, could he not see the destruction that was beginning to tarnish the living room? I couldn't let my emotions hurt him, I needed an outlet, I needed to diminish this emotional pain.
"GIVE IT ME NOW!" I roared, my wave of emotional energy snatched his body, pressing him against the sky view windows as they struggled to stay strong beneath the force of my energy. Still he refused to hand me the knife.
"I WON'T LET YOU HURT YOURSELF!" He screamed as the glass around him began to slash his body, the blood seeping down the glass a horrific crimson contrast to the dull grey of the rain. Still the knife stayed firmly in his grasp. "I WON'T LOOSE ANOTHER, I WON'T LET IT HAPPEN!" He cried.
"PLEASE!" I moaned, almost primitive, my rush of emotions were so confusing I couldn't distinguish love from hate, the energy around me was intensified by the implication of her name.
Terra. My contempt for her ran as deep as the blood in my veins. How could one so deceitful manage to falsely enlighten so many hearts? I had watched as my friends embraced the stranger as if she were a long awaited friend, it had pained me to witness how much love and tolerance she received on her arrival whilst I remained consumed by my darkness. Worst of all she'd managed to corrupt the heart of the one I had truly grown to love, it hurt me more than she eventually hurt him. In his eyes I knew I must be second best and that thought alone could push me on the brink of death. I knew that I'd rather be dead than see her awaken from her stone coffin and prayed the day would never come, or I'd never see it for fear I would inflict her with a fraction of the immense pain she had inflicted on me.
I swooped beneath him as the knife slipped from his grasp, the glass had begun to scar and though he felt only a minuscule proportion of my pain, he couldn't bare it.
"RAVEN!" He roared through gritted teeth, he watched fearfully as I rolled my arm up to make several gashes. As the rush of physical pain numbed my body the room around me calmed.
"Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem to find myself again
my walls are closing in"
The rain still thudded against the window but within the glass I could see my reflection. Instead of the normally calm composed Raven staring back, I was met with the deranged smile of a mad woman, her arms bleeding profusely and beside lay the bleeding mess of another. I couldn't recognise myself my faces contorted in a twisted smile at the thought of her lover dying at her own hands, the death of her pain.
Rage consumed me and I smashed the glass with my own hands, ripping and tearing at the glass until my hands were pools of deep red. Falling to my knees I laid my hands on the one I loved, controlling all my energy into the purpose of healing, I watched as his gashes closed and sunk beneath the surface, leaving his skin unbroken and a healthy green.
At my touch he stirred, groaning softly as the wounds healed. His bare body was scarred and the flesh weeped his boxer shorts now soaked with the blood from his back. He was like a vulnerable child in my hands, I had the power to grant his life or take it away. It scared me that for a split second I had debated within myself whether to let him live or die. Was the hate within me that strong?
Around me the room began to turn back to normal, as his gashes healed my powers sealed the cracks in the window and placed everything back to normal.
Normal, it felt weird thinking that anything in my life could be normal, what is normal and what is the definition? When people say your not acting normal, how do you act? I don't think I can remember a time where I was normal, my life has always been a shield preventing anything you would consider normality.
I rolled down my sleeves, the black material absorbed the red of my blood, the damp material looked as though I had merely spilt a drink. Kneeling down, I saw beastboys eyes flicker uncertainly.
"You saw nothing." I whispered threateningly, placing my hood up bolted out the room as fast as I could, mingling my body with the shadows. I watched as the others ran past, I knew my little outburst wasn't of the most silent kind. I listened almost fearfully as Beastboy uttered some remark about the TV being turned up to high.
I had to laugh then, the ease I thought of being able conceal myself from the truth and their warmth, when desperately I cried for them save my dying soul.
"(Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure"
Numb. Never in my life I thought I would feel this immense emotional pain, enough to numb my senses again. Once was enough.
So many people I had lost in my lifetime, my mother, my father and possibly worst of all Terra. It must sound stupid and inconsiderate to place them in that order, I mean my parents brought me into this world. But to loose them so young, I almost, almost could hate them for that leaving me vulnerable. I know it's not their fault for dying, I know I sound deranged and stupid but to think my life could have turned out differently if only they had held onto existence. It's enough for me to look up at the now growing night and wish to be gone.
Terra. Never again would I see her face lighten up with excitement, the determination as she desperately tried to master her power. I'd never run my fingers through her long luxurious blonde hair, never feel her body melt into mine as we embraced. Never would I touch heaven with her, when desperately I felt my life becoming hell.
And I hate her, so much for deceiving us all, her cold eyes delirious with power and contempt for those who had found some small freakish place in the world. If only. A word which repeats constantly within my little brain. If only she'd come to us earlier. If only she hadn't misunderstood Robin and ran off. If only I could have held her that one last time and convinced her she had a permanent place with us. Yet I know I couldn't hate her, I loved, love her too much.
So why do I feel guilty and numb about Raven? Surely I have no love left in my body? I try to convince myself it's lust and not love but every time our eyes meet, our bodies swiftly touch I can feel my heart flutter and hormones run wild.
Why did I suddenly feel as though I might die as each droplet of blood had hit the floor? Why was a willing to die if it would cure her of her pain? Why did I not rush to her and embrace her like I should have done Terra? Held her in my arms and let her tears slice at me as she relieved her pain.
Raven why do you have me so confused? Your such a bitch! But I want you I need you to the point I think I love you. I love your mysterious gloomy eyes, your beautifully dark attitude, I love the way you glare at me each time I make a small joke yet I know you want to laugh out loud? Well maybe not. But I know with all your powers you must feel it.
The moon is full but the stars don't twinkle, I'll let the shadows grow until they consume me, if you'll only come and embrace me like I would like to you. Take away this numb and replace it with warmth.
You hide in the shadows watching us and I can hear you sadness feel it within me. I'm immature I know, so why do you stare? I leave the light off for you Raven, only you.
"Crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real"
I know you do! I'm not stupid, I'm scared, scared you'll reject me, I'm watching you now as all these thoughts bubble through your head. It's not the first time but it maybe the last. You alone have seen what I'm becoming, I leave it unbeknownst it your hands to save me.
I don't want to be cold any longer, I want you to try and warm me. I know if you can then I can be freed and saved. Saved from my darkness.
"Beast Boy." I whisper from my shadows, it's funny you don't even jump or look startled, like you knew tonight I would speak.
"Why? Why do it?" He whispered back tonight he wasn't looking me in the eye.
"Release, release from my pain. By substituting emotional for physical I can some what control what's happening inside me, mellowing my powers slightly so that you or the others aren't hurt. When you were caught up in my powers, when I saw your body weakening and possibly dying, do you think I had any other choice?"
"So because of my life you again had to purposely hurt yourself?"
"Yes, how can a life and a mere gash balance in values?"
"But it's not a mere gash is it? You inflict yourself with this pain so frequently it scares you, and me. You think by staying isolated and confined to darkness you are simply masking your pain therefore it won't effect any of us."
I stood there stunned. He knew so much and of him I had thought so little.
"How?" I managed to stutter.
"Perseverance, determination? Your like a beautiful mystery to me Raven and I'm bent on unravelling it all, with or without your help."
Tears sprang to my eyes, as I desperately tried to conceal them, already I could feel the intensity of my own emotions overpowering, around me the room threatened to tremble but I threw all my sense to the wind and let the tears slip freely down my cheeks much to the devastation of the world around me which shook and trembled around me.
I watched as he left his bed and began to approach me. All I had to do was find an outlet and everything would return to the way it should. My mind and body was vulnerable. Mentally everything was everywhere, all my hurt and confused memories resurfacing and creating the nightmarish reality I so desperately wanted to hide from. Physically my body was weakening, as it had been over the past months. Stupidly I had conducted my shadow flitting in a flimsy short sleeved leotard, it was easier to move more freely without my cloak and belt weighing me down.
"Shhh." He whispered softly in my ear, his arms wrapped coyly around my waist.
As his lips softly fluttered on my neck the breath escaped my lungs, around me the earth jolted violently. At his touch my world was becoming clearer, the murky fog giving way to the long awaited light. Wrapping my arms around his neck I pulled him closer. Channelling all my thoughts and feelings in my one desire to love him as much as I wanted to, needed to. And as his lips found their way to mine I could feel the world quietly returning to normal, another outlet except this one was more desirable and almost pleasurable, I could have stayed in his arms forever as the impenetrable icy layer which encased my heart and soul began to thaw.
"crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real"
As our bodies entwined I could feel my heart beat quicken. I gently lay her on the top bunk of my bed, at this moment I would have given anything to turn back the hands of time and demanded an enormous double bed rather than whined my way into Cyborg purchasing a childish bunk bed for me when the tower was furbished, therefore I would have spared myself the clumsiness.
As I let my lips caress her neck I couldn't help but pull her closer to me. I almost thought of her as a shadow and one which I was desperate not to scare away. As she lay there beneath me I couldn't help but inwardly exclaim how delicate she looked in the moonlight, how the night intensified her already mysteriously dark beauty, she was my own little piece of night time. Almost like when she was made all the magnificent essences of the night were made to run through her veins.
I slowly and gently lowered the straps of her leotard. I wanted her and needed her so badly. Selfish but I needed her to heal my own wounds as she healed hers, we were like two halves who had lost their whole and somehow where meant to complete each other.
I needed her to complete me, to heal my already wounded heart. I could feel her embrace me passionately as I devoured her flesh with my lips, her cold barriers and fortress of sadness crumbling in the force of our passion. As she loved me back I could feel the emptiness my heart had felt refilling with a new and darker love. I was doing to her what I had dreamed so desperately of doing to another, she was completing, almost as if she was finishing what I had once started, helping me close the door to an old love so we could start again with our own.
I couldn't help but feel a small tinge of guilt. Was she watching me from where ever she rest, was she wondering what was happening to the green boy who had promised his love to her and only her. The thought ripped my mind in two, confused me. Was this passion or love and was I going to make love to Raven or believe it to be Terra, an infatuation I had forced out of my mind for some time. I know I loved Raven, I knew my love was so intense it could light even her gloomiest and darkest memories. But was I wrong to love her when I still held a flame for another. Was I being selfish in using Raven to test my own confusion? Was my love for her stronger than the light I still held for Terra?
I held my dark goddess as she moaned in hidden pleasure at the touch of my lips once again on her neck, and swiftly I pulled her leotard down to her waist. The gentle touch of her hair against my cheek brought along wistful memories and for a split second I imagined that hair to be an earthy blonde. Immediately I cursed myself for being so weak, I mean the stress alone wasn't going to help me perform at all!
Her body was beneath me, her voluptuous figure mine to devour, no matter what I thought she was Raven, the object of my present desire, the girl who held the incantation to my cursed and broken heart. As our passion intensified I had to let go, my first love was never going to return, though my spark for her may never die, she had and I could never again succumb to such hopeful delusion.
"I'm sorry Terra." My mouth uttered the words before I could think and at once the beautiful figure of darkness grew cold once more.
"there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface"
"I HATE HER!" I screamed in the comfort of my own room, my walls trembled but I couldn't have cared less, not even my bleeding arm could take away this pain, the razor I held in my hand did nothing to succumb my immense dislike.
I sunk to my knee's weeping, his voice still rang in my head, the way he softly uttered her name as he caressed my vulnerable body. I had let him so close. Deluded myself into thinking his love could set me free. My body ached with the a painful mixture of hate and bitterness.
"I HATE YOU!" I roared, the world around me span as objects smashed into a million pieces, not as numerous as the shattered pieces of my heart.
"Raven, please, don't be that way I didn't mean to." His words inflicted pain through my head as I had ran from his clutches. Only moments ago had I began to thaw, melt into his heart beat and his touch. Now in the safety of my secluded darkness could I weep. Alone.
The room around me began to crumble, furniture toppled mercilessly and the mirrors around me threatened to shatter as my mind was certainly dying. I couldn't care.
"YOU HEAR I DON'T CARE!" I sobbed, my voice breaking with emotion and pain, I cried until my voice grew hoarse and the contents of my room span in a dark vortex around me.
I threw my arms around my shoulders, my screams growing increasingly louder and more woeful. My bed ripped apart and was flung caught up in my resentment, metal splinters scattered everywhere and teared brutally at my body as it span. No matter how fast the blood ran, my tears flowed faster.
"Consuming, Confusing what is real."
"I HATE HER, I HATE HER." I chanted, over and over again in delirious screams. How could she taint my life so much? She was probably laughing from the her stone crypt, laughing at how much I suffered and how she had managed to intensify this pain with her short presence.
How alike we were, she couldn't control her powers, ashamed to even confront the problem whilst secretly I feared the loss of control of mine. She was reluctant to fully trust us whereas I taught myself not to even try.
And now I see the fool I truly am. How ugly and disgusting could my jealousy be and how deep in my veins did it run? Not only had she managed to totally enrapture the person I had grown to love, she had done what I could not. Control her powers. Granted it was with aide and no matter how hard I convinced myself that turning to Slade was like seeking the devil, I knew that if he were to approach me now and ask the same of me I would not hesitate, but welcome evil with open arms. Anything to rid me of what I feel now, to rid me of this pain.
Around me the walls were stripped, the paint peeling off as my own shadowy monotonous mask was deteriorating. I couldn't look at myself, I knew I was bleeding, my body weeping as the crimson blood flowed out of my veins. I closed my eyes, hoping that it would conceal the world around me, bring me back to my childhood self staring into space wondering what the future hold, wondering why every time I cried my dolls would rip apart, or why the butterflies could never settle on my unhappy hands.
The walls began to spill with blood, all the blood I'd shed before that had seeped into the carpets of my room, all the times I had cried and the tears upon my cheeks had mingled with the scarlet of my hands.
I tried to close my eyes but my memories where nightmarish and my reality saddening.
So much hate. Even when I ventured into love I was the object of delusion. The vortex of my despair grew larger and the blood of the walls began to crystallise, creating a spidery web of flesh ripped words.
"This lack of control I fear is never ending"
"HATED, DEMON, DECEIVED, PAIN, LIE, BB, ALONE!" I screamed as the words formed within the webs. The walls had witnessed all my pain, as my blood had ran through the carpets to the walls, the walls which concealed me understood me. "ALONE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW! I CAN'T BREATH WITHOUT SADNESS, I CAN'T WALK WITHOUT WISHING TO DIE! ARE YOU HAPPY I CAN'T FIND SOLITUDE! ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME BECAUSE YOU'VE CREATED A LIFE I CAN HATE AND WANT RID OF! POLLUTED WITH YOUR EVIL WASN'T ENOUGH? YOU'VE POISONED FATE AGAINST ME!" I cried grabbing a shard of my hand mirror as it spun round me, I staggered to my feet as the room around me began to change form and the inky gloom of my darkness took another form.
"Daddy..." Was all I could whisper, the demon from which all my anger had stemmed emerged from the darkness. All through my life my life I had been told of this purpose my life held for him. When all I wanted in my childhood was what normal children called 'daddy' someone whose supposed to hug and hold you, protect you. My father had wanted none of these, as I had sat in my room trying desperately to hold back the tears so no further damage could have been caused, he was plotting against my existence, how to wield my power for the most destructive use as all around me told me to control myself.
Using the shard I punctured his skin, as the black seeped from his wounds, his figure dissolved back into the dark gloom which had now consumed my room. The glaring crimson eyes which haunted my thoughts stared at me from every direction, their eyes fiery with glee as my body and mind crumbled.
Another figure emerged from the darkness, another then another each acquiring those accusing scarlet eyes. I held the shard tighter in my hand, so tight the blood oozed from the palm of my hand.
They were laughing smiling, looking down on me as if I were their entertainment, oblivious as always to my bleeding body my suffering.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" I screamed tearfully.
Jumping into the air I held the shard above my head, swiftly I struck Robins figure slicing him into two, the squelch as his inky form seeped back into the gloom lightened my weeping eyes.
Pivoting I sliced the head off Cyborgs laughing form. I turned and stared at Starfires giggling replica and at once the shard in my hand began to slip.
"You were my friend.." I whispered sadly, sinking to my knee's and looking up at the smiling Tamaranian. "You were best friend. We meditated and shared a little of each others world. I thought, I thought you of all people would have helped me." I cried the tears sliding down my cheeks and falling at her feet. "But... But now I know... YOUR ROSE COLOURED GLASSES WERE THE THICKEST!" I pulled the shard back and struck forceful and true, directly at her heart.
The dark gloom began to erode the walls around me, the ceiling crumbled as if it were made of sandstone. Great droplets of bitter rain splattered around me as the sky roared with disapproval.
Behind me I heard the tinkling laughter of joyful lovers. I didn't even have to look to know the cruelty my mind was playing before me.
I turned to look at them as I had a many a times before and yet all this time the pain hadn't eased, only intensified.
She stood behind him, her arms wrapped around his neck coyly, at her touch his face had broadened into a wide grin, his eyes only wanted her. Yet her eyes weren't locked with his as per usual, they were staring straight at me. Those deceiving orbs peered at me as if she were delving straight into my soul, as she grasped the one who'd begged for her affection, her eyes knew they had not only gained but that I had lost and she began to smirk.
My fists began to clench with anger and resentment as she softly stroked his hair, all the while her eyes lingered on me. The rain continued to make my hair stick to my head, as my tears mingled with rain water. Narrowing her eyes at me she tilted his head towards her, her grasp on him tight and even through the sheets of resenting rain, I could see her lips meet his.
My eyes glowed a dangerous red, my body shook with all the so long surpressed emotions, it was like a intense bolt of electricity surging through my veins making my body throb and ache with pain. I grit my teeth. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, when was it my turn to receive the light, to touch happiness, to have what others take for granted. Why was it me who befell this curse, why is it me who has to succumb to darkness. Why does my darkness always blot out the light so I become just a shadow.
"Mummy, Why do the butterflies always die in my hands?"
Too long my life has been sustained without me being able live it.
I charged at them, slashing the shard so violently that all around me slashes of crimson dashed pools of black. I wanted them to die, return from my mind from whence they came. I wanted this all to stop, so I kept tearing at them, tearing at their flesh, my flesh, until all I could do was sink to my knee's and watch as their gashes weeped with inky black as my wrists oozed scarlet.
My dark gloomy world began to contract, slink back to the roots of my feet and seep back into my mind.
My room was as quiet and normal as it ever had been, the walls were still a dusty purple and nothing was out of my ordinary.
Except me.
I crawled to the centre of the room, my wounds weeping so profusely that I could only manage a clumsy stutter for a motion. Softly I placed my head to the carpet, as I felt the bubble of blood escape me my eyelids began to droop.
It isn't too late. You could heal yourself and try once more, try to find the light. Life is full of chances and opportunities just that once more time, there's still more to live for you just have to find it.
I heard a soft tap at my door as the world began to lull and my mind conflicted.
It isn't too late.
"I can control my powers." I muttered, I had the sudden urge to close my eyes and fall into the most beautiful of sleeps.
It isn't too late.
"I can control my powers."
It is too late, it has been late for the longest time, my time is overdue, so many times I have wondered down the path of ending my life and the detoured into the phrase of it's not too late.
It has always been too late.
Beast Boy save me please! Please come and rescue me, tell me you love me! A sudden fear washed over me. I don't want to die Beast Boy, if only you could rush in here now and save me and help me and hold me like I wanted you to. I want to live if I can live my life with you.
But I can't because I would be living the lie you so desperately want, if I live I am not living and if I die I cease my pain and suffering.
Farewell my love, you'll always be the starlight of the dark oblivion of my memories, you'll always be the fantasy in which I could hold to endure reality.
Giving way to my sleepiness I let my eyelids droop. A warm sensation filled my body, as if the moonlight had washed over my near lifeless form and warmed me, I felt my face smile up into the night time light, it was in my reach, I could feel the warmth with my finger tips. Never had the stars looked so beautiful to me or the night so inviting. Extending my arm to its maximum I clutched a nearby star, pulling myself closer to it as its light consumed me and I became the night time light.
"I have controlled my powers." I mumbled as the bubbling at my wrists soaked into the carpet.
"Controlling"
"...Raven I know your mad with me, Hell I'm mad with myself. I wanted to tell you that, yes I loved Terra, I loved her so much and I will never deny that. It's true that to some extent I harboured the feeling of incomplete that our love will never blossom. But she was my first love. And... And I want you to be my second and my only. She was my past and your my present I want to share with you all my hopes and dreams and all I can offer, I want our love to last, I want to hold you in my arms and protect you from all that darkens your world...
... Please Raven it may not have seemed so tonight but I love you more than I can say and even if you can't return it I want you to know the extent of my love for you...
... I guess your not talking tonight huh? You'll probably want to be alone again. I knocked on your door tonight Raven to get you to talk but I guess I'm gonna have to hunt you down and make you see what I see.
... I'll come back tomorrow and then I'll show you the how much I love you, tomorrow's another day... And who knows maybe you'll grow to love me back?
I must have sat outside her room for about half an hour just talking through her door hoping she'd hear me.
Defeated once again I began to skulk back to my room, staring out the window I realised the once deserted night had become dotted with brightly shining stars, one of which I hadn't seen before.
"I'm gonna name you Beast Boy star, after your handsome discoverer." I exclaimed modestly.
"Tomorrow's another day." I repeated happily as I began again to make my ay back to my room making sure I didn't turn the light on all the way.
"Confusing what is real."
Well I've finally completed my first Raven and Beastboy ficcy :D Unfortunately a slightly sad one but hey the love was still there.
Okie's upon writing the last page or so... I did manage to see Season 4... Lol so I guess to all you out there who have seen it... Well... Some parts don't really make sense any more, but I really really wanna stress that this was written under the influence and love for season 3 (though Season 4 kicks butt... Aww he gave her the penny)
But Like I said this was wrote in the heat of the moment of SEASON 3... Lol.
This is my first Raven and Beastboy fic soooo please please Review (Pleaseee!)
Have A Dark and Brilliant Day .
Azarath Metrion Zinthos!
sorastarchild