Written by Ryuu
Attention Hogging Upstarts
Author's Note: Has anyone else noticed a mysterious lack of 1st Class SOLDIERs other than Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal? They may get mentioned occasionally, but they're hardly ever given characters or even names. They don't even make an appearance. This applies to both the FF VII games and nearly all fanfiction written about them. Anyway, I made up a couple of neurotic Firsts and a vicious secretary, gave them a vendetta against "Those Three", and sat back to see what happened. The results were...entertaining ^.^
I don't know how often I will update this story, as I want to make each chapter as good as possible. And while for the most part it will be pretty episodic, I do have a general direction for the story to go in mind. Also, I'm rating it Teen basically to give myself some breathing room. I'll keep things pretty clean, but I'm pretty sure that Reno is a substance abuser, so, ah...Teen it is.
This story starts about four years before Crisis Core. I may have tweaked a few ages to suit me better, but for the most part I tried to keep things as accurate as possible.
Disclaimer: I do not own ShinRa, the SOLDIER program, mako, or Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal. I do, however, completely and totally own Lizz Daugherty, Able Deren and Judas Cain. They're my buddies. Don't mess with 'em without asking, please.
Shampoo Advertising Part 1
Commander Able Deren tried and failed to swallow the sour taste in his mouth. He couldn't roll his eyes either, or pull a face of any kind to vent his distaste. This was because of the hundreds of cameras flashing all over the place. None of them would be trained at him, they never were anymore, they would all be focused on the wonderful hero Sephiroth as he was awarded the title of General. But Deren would end up in the background of some of them, and if he made a rude face or even closed his eyes, somewhere some bored stinker without a life would notice and make that fact known far and wide.
General. Deren had been shooting at that title for the past decade, ever since he made First Class, and here this young silver-haired upstart had managed it in two years.
Two freakin' years.
Deren bit down hard on his tongue, trying to get rid of that nasty bitter taste, but it didn't seem to want to go away.
After the ceremony, he slunk back to his office, sank into his Command Chair, and faceplanted into his desk.
Lizzy Daugherty stepped out of the elevator, trying to calm her jitters. She'd just been hired on as a secretary, after her first interview! And assigned to a SOLDIER First Class! She couldn't actually remember hearing of this guy before, but after looking him up she had to admit herself impressed. One of the first members of SOLDIER, and very good at what he did, apparently. A decade ago he had been quite famous, although she wasn't sure why no one ever heard of him nowadays. He wasn't old; he was only in his early thirties.
She wondered why Lazard had muttered something about being tired of drool marks while he was interviewing her.
Lizzy stopped outside a door, carefully perusing the name plaque. This should be the right office. She hesitated, hand hovering over the panel. Setting her teeth, she palmed it, watched the door slide open, and stepped inside.
And was smacked full in the face by one of the most heinous smells she had ever encountered. It was like the time someone in her high school decided to use a toilet as a bomb to celebrate the graduating seniors.
"Oh Gaia," she gasped, trying to shield her nostrils with the back of her hand. Through the water gathering in her eyes, she was able to make out a figure at the desk. Or on the desk. Half on the desk? Sitting in his chair, his upper body spread across his desk.
"Um, excuse me," Lizzy choked.
The pathetic figure didn't respond. He simply stared forlornly at something flat and round in front of him…
…was that a petri dish…?
"Excuse me," Lizzy tried again, enunciating a little more clearly this time.
"Hrnnnnm?" Pitiful, huge blue eyes stared at her, half obscured by shaggy brown hair.
"Is this Commander Able Deren's office?" Lizzy said weakly. Please say no. Maybe the name on the door is wrong, or I misread it, please say no, please say—
"Mm-hm."
"Are you Commander Able Deren?"
"Mm-hm."
Oh Gaia, what did I do to deserve this?
"Are you alright, sir?" Lizzy ooched along the wall towards the smaller desk near the door.
"Nn-nn."
"Do you need anything, sir?" Lizzy sorted through the mess on the desk, shifting aside jars filled with green and yellow and black slime. She took care not to break them.
"Phenylethylamine."
Lizzy blinked and sat down rather hard at the desk. "I beg your pardon, sir?"
But actually enunciating seemed to have taken up the last of his energy. His head lolled slightly to the side, and Lizzy spotted a little stream of drool oozing from his mouth and sliming the papers on his desk. Ah. So that was why she had been awarded the honor of being a secretary to a First, when none of the other Firsts had secretaries. And she'd thought maybe it had something to do with her actual abilities. Well, scratch that. Lizzy slumped in her seat. "Do you want me to take those papers, sir?"
He didn't respond.
Lizzy rubbed her temples. This was not going to be a fun job. At all.
Lizzy's alarm went off, a horrible, obnoxious shrieking wail. Why did alarm clocks make such awful noises? She flailed her left hand around blindly for a bit and smashed down on the first button she could find. The shrieking stopped. Lizzy groaned and rolled out from underneath the covers, fumbling for the light switch. She sat on the edge of her bed, rubbing her eyes.
Day five of the secretarial job from hades. Lizzy would spend today in exactly the same way she'd spent the past four: filing reports and trying to get the Commander to attend his meetings while he just drooled on his desk. She would have to worm soggy paperwork out from underneath his head. Lizzy hadn't realized before just how heavy people's heads are. He never seemed to get assignments, either. That was just weird. From Lizzy's research, and the snooping she'd carried out during her breaks, most SOLDIERs were insanely busy, especially the Firsts.
Lizzy smacked and pulled a wayward strand of hair out of her mouth. Her head was just beginning to nod when a shrieking wail sounded off, nearly stopping her heart. She gasped and banged her fist down on the alarm clock.
Lizzy hated the snooze button.
Half-an-hour later Lizzy dragged herself down the corridor, trying to stay awake and attempting to think of something positive about her job. It wasn't working very well.
"Hello, you new here?"
Lizzy nearly yelped. There was a man around that corner, and man with dazzling blue eyes and auburn hair and a bright red coat—
"Yes, sir, I'm new, I've only been here a few days. Now please excuse me…" Lizzy pondered whether or not to be afraid of him. She'd heard about the sorts of things this guy did to cadets. She had already glimpsed him a couple of times before, lounging in the corridors. What was he doing bothering her? Lizzy lowered her head and attempted to walk around him, but he blocked her path. He blocked her path.
"What's your name then, lovely lady?" He grinned all up one side of his face.
"Excuse me—"
"Us redheads have to stick together, you know," he murmured in a low voice that he no doubt thought attractive.
Lizzy's hackles rose.
"I may be a proper ginger, sir, but you are not; your hair has far too much brown. EX. CUSE. ME." She fixed him with her most vicious glare, the one that sent the intoxicated riffraff that hang around outside of bars running for their lives.
To his credit, Captain Rhapsodos didn't run away. His grin just spread wider, although it looked a little forced now. "You're not very nice."
"No, I'm not. Do you ambush all of the new secretaries like this?"
He inched a little closer, and that just settled it for Lizzy. She threw a punch into his solar plexus. Or, she tried to, and her aim was perfect, but the Captain suddenly wasn't in quite the same place anymore; he'd turned sideways. Lizzy's knuckles brushed against his giant belt, the one with the SOLDIER logo plastered all over it.
"Gaia, you're a strange one. You can even throw a proper punch." But he let her walk around him, flashing one last grin at her as she passed.
Lizzy fumed all the way down the corridor, hissing wordlessly. Insufferable man! Not all women would swoon just because he winked at them!
For a little bit, Lizzy wondered why people were pausing and staring at her like she was an alien as she went by. Then she realized that, along with the hissing, she was grinding her teeth. Very loudly. She took a deep breath, forcing her jaw to relax, and exhaled. She spent a few moments outside Commander Deren's office regulating her breathing before palming the door open.
Ah, the lovely scent of exploded toilet.
Lizzy's eyes rolled back into her head and she gave her teeth another grind. This smell clung to her hair like nothing else, and people tended to give her odd looks, especially SOLDIERs. If she ever moved out of this stupid office, she was going to have to burn her clothing.
And there was Commander Deren, draped across his desk. Drooling.
Drooling drooling drooling drooling—
No, Lizzy, stay calm. Stay calm.
Lizzy sat down at her desk, trying to breathe normally despite the stench. "Good morning, sir."
Commander Deren's head lifted slightly, and half-closed blue eyes peered at her for a moment. "Mm-hmm." Then his head slammed back onto his desk.
"Sir, you have another meeting scheduled for today, did you know?"
He didn't answer.
"Would you like me to cancel it?" Lizzy settled her fingers on the keyboard, watching the Commander expectantly.
Nothing.
Lizzy tried to stay calm. She failed. Four days' worth of emotion bubbled up her throat and out her mouth. "Fine! Fine, ignore me! I don't care! I'm just a secretary, I don't care! Just because I always wanted to move up in the world, just because I always wanted to get up top in a large company ever since I was little, and here I thought I might actually be starting to succeed, and then I discover that I've only been hired to cut down on the saliva content of your paperwork, that doesn't mean I care at all!" Lizzy was panting rather at this point.
The commander didn't respond, except that his breathing slowed, rather like he had just drifted off to sleep.
Alright. She would just finish ranting then. If she held it in for any longer she might snap and attempt to murder her new boss. "And the other SOLDIERs here are horrible! On my way here this morning I got ambushed by that sleazy Genesis Rhapsodos! Just because I went through that to get here doesn't mean I would care in the least that you're totally ignoring me! That disgusting misogynist Rhapsodos, thinking that women are nothing but mindless, drooling zombies perfectly willing to trail along after the nearest piece of man meat…"
"Most women are."
Lizzy's eyes narrowed. Commander Deren's breathing pattern made it sound like he was asleep, but he had definitely spoken just now. That was the first time she'd heard him say actual words since day one. Lizzy pursed her lips and inspected the papers lying around on her desk. Just forms that needed to be filled out, nothing particularly interesting…
She could either start her day's work, or prod a little harder at the not-sleeping commander.
Lizzy stood. In any case, she was not feeling well, and she flatly refused to put up with the toilet-bomb smell any longer. She strode over to the commander's desk and made a grab at the petri dish. Even though she half expected it, she let out a gasp, staring at her wrist caught in Commander Deren's hand. Lizzy hadn't even seen him move. Were all SOLDIERs like that? His grip hurt, too.
"Please leave that alone."
"Just how useless was that self-defense class?" she snarled irritably as Commander Deren released her wrist.
"Come again?"
"They train all students at secretarial colleges in self-defense. I don't know why they bother. Only ShinRa hires secretaries nowadays, and I can't even see you SOLDIERs move." She frowned. "Why are you talking to me all of a sudden?"
"So I'm not the first SOLDIER you've had an altercation with?" Commander Deren raised his head off the desk and eyed her with interest.
"I tried to punch Genesis Rhapsodos…" Lizzy muttered, as quietly as possible. "I may have overreacted slightly…"
His big blue eyes widened. Weird blue eyes, the exact same shade as Captain Rhapsodos's. Well, Lizzy had heard of mako-eyes, but before she'd taken this job she never realized that they could be this…striking. And glowy. And all exactly the same.
And then the Commander threw his head back guffawed, an extremely loud, throaty laugh. Lizzy took several steps back. For the past several days this guy had had the energy of a sick sea cucumber. "Are you alright, sir?" she asked, silently praying that he wasn't completely insane and about to stab her or something.
"Ah, I just think that's brilliant," Commander Deren chuckled, wiping tears from his eyes. "What's your name, anyway?"
Lizzy blinked. Now he asked? On the fifth day? And shouldn't he know already? Surely Lazard had sent him a memo or something. "Elizabeth Daugherty, sir, but most people call me Lizzy."
"Lizz, then."
Lizzy pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why Liz, sir?"
"Because I like it better. And it's Lizz with two z's, not one."
"It sounds the same, sir."
"No it doesn't. I can hear the difference."
"Between 'Liz' and 'Lizz'?"
"Yes. So be sure to say it right, Lizz."
Why was he correcting her on her own name? And why on Gaia was he even deciding on her name in the first place?
Commander Deren propped his elbows on the table, interlaced his fingers and rested his chin on them, flashing Lizzy a maniacal grin. "Would you like to wreak vengeance upon the infamous Captain Genesis Rhapsodos, Lizz? We might include General Sephiroth as well, but that's just a personal thing."
I need to get to work on my actual job, and I have no desire to get involved in harebrained schemes against people who could snap my spine with two fingers, Lizzy's brain said. Unfortunately, she had spent the last several days extremely bored and frustrated, and what actually came out of her mouth was a little different.
"With all my heart, sir."
Commander Deren pushed open the door to the observation room.
"Why are we here, Commander?" Lizzy asked apprehensively.
"There're Thirds practicing right now."
"So?"
"So we need a little more information to proceed, and my source will be in here…"
They stepped into the room. Lizzy's eyes were immediately drawn to the inch thick windows. On the other side of the glass a huge slimy snake thing was chasing a group of teenagers around in circles. Lizzy shuddered. "Is that—"
"A Midgar Zolom, yes." A man in a First Class uniform rose from the swivel chair at the console. He was a small guy, with short, nicely combed black hair. His almond-shaped eyes glowed softly with that mako blue. "Do you need something, Deren?"
To Lizzy's absolute shock, Commander Deren straightened and snapped a salute. He slouched again right afterwards, though. "Judas, I just needed a little info."
Lizzy's mouth dropped open. "Judas? As in General Judas Cain?"
"No need to act so shocked," General Cain growled. "I'm surprised you remember my name. It's funny, really, how every single other First Class vanishes from everyone's memory as soon as those three show up…"
Commander Deren pulled a face and muttered something indistinguishable under his breath.
"Well, I did my homework when I was hired," Lizzy said. She squinted at the Commander. Her brain was still having trouble processing the fact that he was capable of moving and speaking like a human being.
"Why are you here, Deren?" General Cain asked.
"I just need some suggestions. Is there anyone at all close to those three—" he pronounced those three as though uttering the foulest of curses "—who is particularly susceptible to suggestions?"
General Cain closed his eyes. "You finally crawl out from your lair, just to try and get me involved in some crazy scheme? I refuse to be an accomplice."
"You don't have to be an accomplice, just a consultant…"
The console dinged.
"Ah, my program finally took down the security system!" General Cain sat in the chair again, running his fingers over the keys on the console. "Someone keeps on rewriting the security for the VR room's controls. Honestly, you would think that they didn't want it hacked…"
"Why are you hacking the VR room?" Lizzy said.
Commander Deren chuckled. "Genesis Rhapsodos tortures cadets, Judas tortures Thirds."
"It's not torture! I'm evaluating how they react when something that definitely wasn't in the training program attacks them. It's more realistic. Let's see how they do against dragons…"
"That's just not nice."
"But it's funny…"
"And you say this isn't torture?"
Five or so dragons appeared beyond the window. The Thirds shrieked and scattered, many accidentally dropping their weapons as they did so.
"Watch the one with spiky black hair," General Cain said.
The boy he pointed out charged the nearest dragon, powering through its attacks and slicing its head into two. Lizzy pressed her hand over her mouth. Unfortunately the VR room's gore was quite realistic.
"I like him," Commander Deren said. "He's stupid, though."
Lizzy didn't see what was so stupid about it; he had just taken down a flipping dragon! But then she noticed the other dragons bearing down on him, anxious to dispose of the threat.
Then everything in the room began to dissolve into green squares, falling and scattering and flickering into nothing, leaving only the Thirds and a very irritated looking instructor. The instructor flashed a glare towards the observation room.
"Let's make ourselves scarce," General Cain said, standing rather quickly.
"Who was that Third?" Commander Deren asked as they walked quickly down the corridor. Lizzy had to jog to keep up.
"Zack Fair," General Cain replied. "And if you hadn't spent the past year being depressed in your office, you would know that Angeal Hewley took him on as a sort of apprentice three months ago. He's impulsive, prone to pulling pranks, gets ideas into his head very easily, is not known for his intelligence, and has nerves of steel."
Commander Deren grinned. "Thanks, Judas."
"What're you thanking me for? I'm not going to be your accomplice, Deren," General Cain said sternly. "Besides, things are getting boring around here and I don't like an eighteen-year-old being the same rank as me." He turned to Lizzy and pulled a bottle of hand sanitizer out of his pocket. "Here, Miss Daugherty, you may need this."
"What for? And how do you know my name?" What had just happened? Listening to this guy talk was like watching a dragonfly pull sudden, disorienting one-eighties. Lizzy popped the cap open and wrinkled her nose at the smell.
"SOLDIERs, especially the younger ones, are not very good with personal hygiene." General Cain stuck his hands in his pockets. "They don't care about spreading bacteria and viruses because they know that they have mako-enhanced immune systems. Which is stupid, of course; because of carelessness like that we now have breeds of supervirus going around that either have adapted to break past even a SOLDIER's immune system, or are mutated by mako themselves. Long story short, staff, secretaries, cadets and the like are extremely prone to contracting nasty diseases."
"Great, just great," Lizzy growled.
"Deren, be sure to clean your office at some point. Goddess only knows what the stuff you've been growing in there will do to her."
"Don't worry, I plan to have it sterilized within the next week."
"Good. See you two around." General Cain turned and walked in another direction.
Lizzy smeared sanitizer on her hands. She and Commander Deren walked on for a little while before she said, "Why were you so interested in Zack Fair?"
"Angeal Hewley is best friends with Genesis Rhapsodos, and Genesis Rhapsodos probably bugs Sephiroth more than anyone else on the Planet. Now we just need to come up with a plot."
"Right." Lizzy blew on her hands. Wherever the sanitizer was evaporating her skin felt like ice. "You know, I wasn't expecting a general to be so…short."
Commander Deren laughed. "I know, it's pretty hilarious. He's only a hundred sixty-six centimeters tall. I think that Sephiroth is one hundred eighty-something…" The commander's laughter died away. Lizzy looked up from her hands.
She had no trouble whatsoever recognizing the figure ahead of them. Long, silver hair rippled behind him, and he moved with the strangest grace, gliding along the ground like a ghost. His black leather coat flapped about his calves. Lizzy's breath caught in her throat when Sephiroth looked at them. She backed behind Commander Deren without thinking. The pictures in newspapers didn't get across the extreme unease those glowing green eyes produced in those they looked at. The commander's shoulders tensed. He snapped to attention, throwing a salute as Sephiroth passed, and the Silver General's slit pupils slid front again. He never varied his pace in the slightest, striding on as though Lizzy and Commander Deren did not exist.
Lizzy began to breathe again. "Is he really only eighteen?" she whispered.
Commander Deren's lip curled with distaste. "Eighteen, and he achieved in four years what I've been trying to do for the past seventeen. Now I have to salute him. I think the system's been rigged." He turned to look at her. "Are you hiding behind me?"
"No, I'm not!" Lizzy snapped.
"Yes, you were!" Commander Deren smiled and patted her head. "Don't worry, the great hero Sephiroth wouldn't hurt an innocent secretary like you. Unless you annoyed him, that is."
Lizzy tried to punch him in the face, but she missed.
"What're you doing?"
Deren leaned over Lizz's desk, scowling at the forms she was filling out.
"Um, my job?" Lizz said, scribbling away.
Deren blew a few stray strands of brown hair out of his face. "I thought you were going to help me plot the perfect vengeance. It's only your sixth day, you don't have to do so much."
Lizz gave him an odd look. "I'll let you know if I think of anything, sir."
"But you're not thinking about it, are you?"
"I'm letting my subconscious work it out," she said with an air of impatience.
Deren sighed and staggered back to his desk, flopping into his Command Chair. He rested his forehead on the now bare wood. He kinda missed having paper to drool on.
"I could be in my room, playing through Twilight Princess right now," he moaned.
"Don't you dare, regulations say that you're supposed to stay in your office during work hours, unless you have a mission or errand or something. I looked it up." The scratching noise of her pen didn't falter even a little bit.
"N'one else follows that rule…"
"Well, if you want to be like Genesis Rhapsodos…"
Deren spent the next few moments distracted by very negative thoughts directed at the esteemed Captain Rhapsodos. He realized after a bit that Lizz's pen wasn't scratching anymore. He raised his head.
Lizz was staring at the day's newspaper, lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. She got up and grabbed it, unfolding it and smoothing it out against her desk.
"Whassit?" Deren asked.
"This ad for that Shinralline shampoo is terrible. It's this ridiculous kid who looks as though he's trying to grow out his hair like Sephiroth's but he can't keep up with brushing it."
Deren oozed out of his seat to peer over Lizz's shoulder. "I remember when they first made that ad. The kid's just a Third, and he cut his hair short very soon afterwards. The advertising department really wanted to get Sephiroth to pose for their shampoo ads, but he refused. Apparently he tries to decapitate anyone who asks him."
"Why don't they just use Rhapsodos? I bet he'd be perfectly willing to wink and smirk at the camera for them."
"They want Sephiroth's hair, and his reputation as a hero."
"So why'd they settle for this dweeb?"
"They accidentally let it slip to Rhapsodos that he was their second choice, and he got offended. Then he chased them around the building with fireballs…"
"Ah." Lizz paused. "Do they have anyone particularly good with Photoshop in the advertising department?"
Deren stared at her. "Ye-ees…"
"Would they be willing to lend Zack Fair a camera?"
Deren felt a crazy grin spread across his face.