(This one-shot drabble was just something to relieve writer's cramp, and happened after watching Tin Man one time too many. You have to imagine Christopher Lee as Saruman in this one, otherwise it won't make sense.)
Orthanc was an impressive edifice, a four-piered tower that rose five hundred feet into the sky, with each pier ending in sharp spiked hornlike peaks. Through one open window in the East pier, the sound of singing could be heard.
It was, in fact, the tower's master bath: opulently appointed by the finest Númenorian marble and polished copper trim. An intricate mosaic of the events of the First Age decorated the floor. The room itself was almost obscured with steam, and the over the running of water a rich deep voice was singing.
"My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time —
To let the punishment fit the crime —
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!"
The phone rang, but without missing a beat the singer simply summoned the phone and as it levitated towards the shower, the singing continued.
"The idiot who call wizards at their bath
His doom's extremely bad,
He's made to dwell in a dungeon cell-"
"Saruman the White speaking."
There was a slight pause.
"Yes, as a matter of fact this is a bad time to call, I am in my bath."
Another pause.
"No, don't bother calling me back, you already have me one the phone, what do you want?"
Pause.
"Ah, you are responding to the advert regarding the subletting of Orthanc. Very well, what do you want to know about it?"
Pause.
"It is forty-eight thousand square feet, not counting the unfinished basement, and has twenty-seven bedrooms and four bathrooms."
Pause.
"I didn't construct the confounded thing, I just own it. Apparently the Dúnedain were not keen on indoor plumbing."
Pause.
"The rent is two thousand a month, plus three thousand for the deposit."
Pause.
"It will be available for showing on Tuesday the 28th, come at 2 o'clock sharp. Do not be late."
The phone is hung up, and levitates its way out of the bathroom. The singing recommences.
Tuesday the 28th, 2:05pm
Queen Azkedillia huffed to herself. The old goat was late. And she didn't feel like having to climb the twenty-seven steps again so she was waiting at the front door where a sign was taped that read 'Back in 5 minutes.'
"You're late."
A deep baritone voice said behind her, making her jump. She turned around and saw a tall older gentleman with a long white beard and bushy eyebrows. He was wearing white robes and carrying a long black staff, shaped like the tower. His dark eyes radiated displeasure. She tried to reestablish her brash nature.
"So? You're late, too."
The owner of Orthanc leaned in and glared at her.
"A wizard is never late, he arrives exactly when he means to. And I told you not to be late, I said nothing about me being late."
He withdrew a large set of keys attached to a Jaguar keyless fob and unlocked the front door. He turned and eyed Azkedillia's Longcoat entourage with distain.
"If your little friends are going to be accompanying us on the tour, be sure that they wipe their jackbooted feet before entering. If they stain the marble floors or the Gondolin rugs you will not get your deposit back."
He led her into the tower's massive entry hall, and turned to face her.
"Before we proceed, I would like to know whom I am sub-letting this tower to."
She looked confused.
"I told you, I am Queen Azkedillia, and I require a tower for my evil plan to rule the Outer Zone."
The wizard smiled nastily.
"No, you are wearing a pleasing form, but you are not who you say you are. Show yourself."
"I-I don't understand…"
The wizard stood up to his full height and towered over her.
"Do not take me for a fool, show yourself!"
He slammed his staff to the floor for the briefest flash the witch's gnarled and hideous form was revealed. The wizard smiled again.
"It is no wonder you conceal yourself in this pleasing form. "
She tried to regain her composure.
"Don't do that again, you're not the only one who wields magic."
He scoffed.
"Stupid hag, do not think that because you can conjure up some cheap tricks or conceal yourself that it makes you a wielder of magic. I am an istari, a being more powerful than any heathen deity you answer to, and older and wiser than any creature that taught you. I have walked the earth for several millennia, and I am a true sorcerer!"
The was a pregnant silence that followed. He turned on his heels.
"The living room is just off the left, mind the tassels on the carpets."
(In the Living Room)
"The living room has been tastefully decorated in Mid-Second Age Eldar with some First Age Gondolin influences. "
He gestured to the thermostat on the wall.
"The thermostat is set for 65 degrees, and it can get quite chilly at night. Do not touch the thermostat, the heating bill is high enough. Should you find yourself cold…"
He paused to look down at her corseted décolletage.
"..put on a sweater. If there is a spike in the heating bill, you will not get your deposit back."
He turned and saw one of the Longcoats staring at an ornate statuette of a beautiful woman with green hair dancing.
"Do not touch that! That is a priceless heirloom rendition of Lúthien Tinúviel charming the Lord Morgoth with her interpretive dance of Spring."
He turned back to Azkedillia.
"If you little friends break anything, you will not get your deposit back."
Saruman picked up the TV remote.
"I have basic satellite service as a result of the cable company being too cowardly to bury fiber optic cable in Fanghorn Forest. It has all the channels I like for amusement and enrichment of the mind."
He brought up the DVR list.
"There is ample room on it to record your favorite shows, but do not delete anything. I have not yet finished watching the second season of Downtown Abbey."
He shut off the TV.
"If you or your little friends delete anything off the DVR or overwrite the second season of Downtown Abbey, you will not get your deposit back."
He gestured toward the door.
"The kitchen and dining room are off this way."
(In the Kitchen)
"I had the kitchen renovated ten years ago, thanks to a small windfall when some insane little man from New Zealand required my services. You will notice the full-sized refrigerator and walk-in freezer, as well as the six-burner gas stove and two wall-mounted ovens, all finished in satin nickel."
He pulled open one of the cherry-stained cabinets.
"I keep the larder well-stocked, and you are welcome to partake in anything you like, provided you replenish it."
He pointed his staff at the ornate espresso machine.
"The exception is the coffee. I have special coffee, called Kopi Luwak, imported from a place far away. It is extremely difficult to procure in Middle Earth; if you take any of the coffee you will not get your deposit back. "
He turned.
"This way to the dining room and family room."
(In the Dining Room/Family Room)
"…This area is one of my favorite places in Orthanc, with it's relaxed atmosphere and vaulted ceilings it is the perfect place to unwind after a long day of being evil. He gestured to the billiard table.
"That is a genuine regulation billiard table made of Mirkwood teak, and I have whittled many an evening improving my game."
His gaze rose to the rooms lofty ceiling.
"Do not go overboard with any of your house parties and get mozzarella cheese on the ceiling, if you get cheese on the ceiling, you will not get your deposit back."
Azkedillia looked at him with a bewildered expression. Her top lieutenant, Zero spoke up.
"Um, how in the world did cheese get on the ceiling?"
Saruman closed his eyes and an unpleasant recollection came to mind. Children, teenagers wearing green and gray striped scarfs squealing and flying around the room on brooms, casting spells at one another. In the middle of it all, a gentleman wearing black robes and dark, greasy hair was shaking his head, grumbling. One of the teenagers, a cruel-looking blonde boy, hurled a spell at another fatter boy flying on a broom who was holding a whole cheese pizza. Saruman opened his eyes and saw Azkedillia and Zero looking at him expectantly.
"It is a long story. Suffice it to say I do not rent out Orthanc for post exam celebrations, never again."
He gestured with his staff to a large wooden door.
"This door leads down to the wine cellar and unfinished basement."
(Past the Wine Cellar, in the unfinished basement.)
"This section you should avoid at all costs, if you value your pretty disguise."
He smiled evilly.
"My Uruk-Hai are not very discriminating in their tastes, either for companionship or food."
He turned and pointed to a large trap door in the corner. On the wall next to the trap door was a large spiked collar that was at least four feet in diameter.
"Due to the rather ridiculous amount of paperwork it would take to bring him along not to mention the draconian quarantine conditions, I cannot take Fluffy with me on my trip. Therefore it will be up to you to care for him. "
Saruman pointed to a large sack of multi-grain puppy chow.
"He requires at least fifty pounds of this brand of puppy chow per day. You must take him out on his lead ideally twice a day, so that he may stay strong and healthy. If he has been a good boy, you may feed him one human from the dungeon once per day. No more than one, though, no matter how much he begs or whines. Too many humans will cause him gastrointestinal discomfort, and he will make a mess."
He leaned in and glared at her.
"You do not want that, I assure you. "
He opened the trap door and called down.
"Fluffy! Daddy's here!"
There was a deafening roar that issued from the dark hole in the floor.
"And how is Daddy's favorite Fluffy doing?"
There was another roar. Saruman nodded.
"Yes, yes I know, Daddy really wanted to take you along and show you the beach."
Another deafening roar, with a whimpering lilt to it.
"Daddy is going to miss you too. If you very good, he'll bring you a nice present!"
Another roar.
Daddy has to go now, Go night-night!"
He slammed down the trap door and his face took on the same hard expression as he glared at the witch.
"If Fluffy makes a mess, or if he is upset upon my return, you will not get your deposit back. And I will feed you to him."
(Ten minutes later, in the entry hall)
"So, do you have any questions?"
Azkedillia shook her head.
"No, no I think you were very thorough in your descriptions and on the tour. I'll take it."
The wizard nodded.
"Very well, you man move into Orthanc on the first of May; that is the day I will be departing for my vacation."
He turned on his heels.
"If you will excuse me, Chopped is coming on and I don't want to miss it. I trust you know the way out."
(May 1st, 12:01pm)
This time Azkedillia came by herself, and was greeted by a rather odd sight. The wizard Saruman was no longer in his white robes, but was wearing a bright red Hawaiian shirt with yellow pineapples, plaid shorts and white low-top Converse sneakers. He removed his sunglasses and reached into the pocket of his shorts. He removed the Jaguar fob and handed the bunch of keys and a small business card to her.
"Here are the keys of Orthanc, and the phone number of the hotel I will be staying at. One final warning, do not bother me when I am on vacation, unless it is a veterinary emergency for Fluffy or the like. And I don't give a Balrog's crusty arse hair for what evil plans you may have, but I warn you, if the heroes of your tale vanquish you and cause damage to Orthanc in any way, you will not get your deposit back."
He then straightened up and spoke in a strange language, if you spoke the tongues of Middle Earth, you would hear him say:
"Winds of the South and West, Carry me on the folds of your Cloak, and blow me to Bermuda!"
And he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
(AN: Yeah, like I said it's funnier if you imagine ol' Chris Lee saying those words. And am I the only one who those Azkedillia's fortress in Tin Man looked like Orthanc? Anyways, let me know what you guys think, review, read, jeer etc etc.)