Sleepyhead

by nursehelena

Skwisgaar's a lot easier to deal with, when sleepy.

It was Murderface's turn to choose what movie they would all watch that evening, so Toki mentally prepared for a horror movie. Even if they terrified him, he'd never back down when the other guys adorned little smirks and waited for an excuse as to why Toki needed to leave. Needing to choose between his pride and well-being, Toki had no option but to go with the former when in presence of his bandmates.

Tonight wasn't as bad as usual, though not by merit of the film. Even Pickles, who usually commented a few seconds late on something scary (drunk, bad reflexes), shifted with uncertainty between Toki and Nathan. What made it easier for Toki to deal with was manifestation of a growing phenomenon between himself and Skwisgaar. At some point not too far into the movie, despite its fearful nature, Skwisgaar's breathing rhythm turned long to Toki's left. If Toki glanced at him, he'd see slowly glazing eyes. Yawns surely followed. The television's effect wasn't new; for years now, Toki learned to accept Skwisgaar generally dozing off in Dethklok's company as normal. More so, that he couldn't care in sleep who he draped over or leaned against. Over time, that meant no pattern could be discerned. Toki recently noted a change, though; maybe he simply wanted to see it, maybe it just meant that he sat beside Skwisgaar more than anyone else lately, but at least three-quarters of the time Skwisgaar's head landed on his shoulder. It all started with the aforementioned signs of fatigue, and then the next step would be a downward slink that submerged Skwisgaar further in warm water. Once their shoulders were level in height, Toki could foresee enough to anticipate minute nods of Skwisgaar's head as he fought it off. Eventually, he would give up and weight introduced itself to Toki's shoulder.

Toki didn't think that Skwisgaar did it intentionally. After so long of living with all of them, this was a display of comfort. Skwisgaar was so much easier to deal with when in a sleepy state, anyway. Not exhausted or tired, but sleepy. Lately, much like narrowing choice of whom would be his pillow, Skwisgaar sought company when like this. While snow fell gently outside in the mild winter surrounding Mordhaus, Toki's concentration frequently broke in favour of a gentle rap against his bedroom door. Skwisgaar made no qualms about occupying his bed, curled up in a rare sweater and ponytail combination, while he talked himself to sleep.

"What ams you working on?" he'd ask in a reflectively soft tone.

"The sames model as yesterday. I's just about done, then I can starts painting it."

"What ams it, again?"

"A P-51D Mustang," Skwisgaar probably still had no idea what that was. "Theys was used during World War II, and I thinks maybe in Korea. Kinds of like the Luftwaffe in a way, but they performeds better at higher altitudes."

"Dat's cool."

"Mhm." Well aware such discussion literally bored Skwisgaar to sleep, Toki carried on until snores wafted across the room. That was probably the plan, anyway. In search for something to help him drift off, this was where Skwisgaar came. Sometimes Toki grew offended, but it was hard when Skwisgaar was so good-natured about it. On less pessimistic nights, Toki hazarded to believe that maybe Skwisgaar did care. Even if it was a more second-handed interest that came with friendship, Skwisgaar's sleepiness-inspired good mood willed he wind down with preferred company. Leveraging further in favour of that, when Toki's eyes grew heavy and Skwisgaar needed to be on his way, stubbornness (lack of consideration?) sometimes kept them together beyond what bedtime should've been.

"What ams dat one?" Laid out on Toki's bed, Skwisgaar pointed up at the plane directly above his head. Toki, unable to pry a willful head off his pillows, indulged Skwisgaar with a sigh.

"It's a Super Hornet. They's pretty new, only starteds getting flown in the mid-nineties. . ."

"Well, I ain't sleepin' tonight," Pickles said when credits rolled on the movie. "Cool watchin' thet with you guys, though. See ya tomorrow sometime."

Nathan and Murderface mumbled something about snacks, heading off in the opposite direction that would take Pickles down to their bedrooms. With less bodies in the hot tub—not to mention the general hubbub of people climbing out—Skwisgaar woke back up and shifted away from where he and Toki had been pressed together. Genial nature lingered, judging by the small smile that tugged the corners of Skwisgaar's mouth upward when he stretched.

"How dids dat one end?"

"Some guy gots cut up with a chainsaw rights when he was abouts to escape. I thinks they settings up for a sequel."

"Wouldn'ts doubt it. Anyt'ing dat makes any kind of money haves to be torned into a franchise."

"Can'ts take risks anymore I guess, when people don'ts go to movies all that much." Toki paused, stifling his own yawn. "I sees you tomorrow, or whenevers."

"What ams you doings?"

Toki shrugged. "Gonna go hangs out in my room for a bits. Get readies for bed soon."

Considering his options on how best to lull off, Toki decided to first go about his pre-sleep routine. While he leaned over the sink, rinsing his mouth, he stilled when a noise came from the bedroom portion of his suite. He expected Skwisgaar before actually sighting him laid across his bed, changed out from his swimming suit although with still-damp hair.

"You aren'ts getting my pillow wet, are you?"

"I don'ts t'ink so. Maybes a little." Laid with his fingers folded behind his head, Skwisgaar made no motion to move. "I haves a klokateer brings you a new one if it ams."

"I cans just flip it over. Don'ts matter." Since Skwisgaar occupied where Toki wished to retreat, he hesitated before sitting down on the end. Skwisgaar's position seemed to give him domain over the entire area. His lax position, however unintentionally, claimed the room for his own. "I sees you tomorrow?"

Ignoring the hint to leave, Skwisgaar instead pointed up to where Toki's completed models hung from the ceiling. "What ams dat grey one dere, wit' de star on it side?"

"A Liberator." Toki volunteered no more information, but his determination to run Skwisgaar out went thwarted by the request for more information. "It was an American bomber used in World Wars II, for sures in the West Europe and Pacific theatres. I's. . .not sure about other ones, although I wants to say they was in the Mediterranean, too."

"You shore knows a lot about dese t'ing, don'ts you?"

"And you sure asks a lot of questions about them. Since when does you care about planes?"

"Dey ams pretty cools." When Toki assumed Skwisgaar only meant to shrug the question off, he kept on after a yawn. "When I was really littles, my mom tolds me dat my dad was a pilot. She had dis whole t'ing about what he flew, wheres, when. . .evens though I know now ams bullshits, I carrieds dat wit' me for a longs time. Now, has been so longs I can'ts remember any of what she saids. Mets him while travellings abroad, I remembers dat bit. Eithers in France or Spain. He was American, though. Flews in de Second World War when he was onlies in his twenties, or somet'ing."

Toki softened with how easily Skwisgaar forfeited such information in his sleepiness. "You think it's a lie?"

"Coulds be. Never know, maybes if he was dat old alreadies when dey met, ams why he nevers came forward when I was lookings for him."

"Maybes ask her again?"

"Why bothers? She ams always going to say it true, whet'er it ams or not. She can't tells me a name or anyt'ing. Dat ams de most important t'ing to me."

"So that's why you'ves been asking about my airplanes? You wants to remember what she saids he did?"

"Why wouldn'ts I just ask her, if I careds enough?" Good point. "Growings up wit' de idea dat my dad was a pilot mades me want to be one fors a while. Was my back-ups plan, if I didn'ts have any success with music."

While Skwisgaar closed his eyes in order to rest them, Toki studied him. He'd never considered before that Skwisgaar had a fallback. It always seemed like Skwisgaar knew he'd become famous, that it was written in his destiny from his very first breath. Deciding that he didn't care so much now about sleep, despite growing droopier by the minute, Toki pulled a leg up on the bed so that he could better face Skwisgaar. "Dids you want to go to war too?"

"Pff, you nuts?" A sliver of blue appeared beneath one of Skwisgaar's dark lids. "Commercials, you know? Airlines, when people ams just travelling. Dat ams what I wanteds to do. Don'ts know about you, but I've always had dat t'ing. What does you call it. . .wanderlust, or somet'ing?"

"When you wants to travel all the time?" Toki smiled. "Ja, I can sympathize with thats. Mine was more, I needs to stop being so suffocateds, but once I gots to Oslo and started seeings how big the world really was, I wanteds to see more."

"Dids you really t'ink when you were younger dat de only place dat exiskeds was where you lived?"

"Wasn'ts the only place, but there was lots that I hadn'ts heard of. Knew a lots about the Middle East, because that's where the Bible takes place. I heards of most of Europe, sometimes other countries. America, of course. What really mades me curious about it all was whenevers a plane would pass over. I'd see the trails they leave."

"Right."

Skwisgaar's expression mirrored his relaxation, loosening the lines that tended to form in his jowls when upset. It reduced his age considerably, bringing him back into his mid-twenties by Toki's reckoning. Reconciling the man of those days to the relatively quiet person now lying on his bed was strange. Back then, Toki probably situated on the verge of tears, or of quitting the band after being told one more time how terribly he played. Toki attempted to summon some of the admiration that used to plague him so fervently those days, only to find that it had practically dried up. An unguarded moment on Skwisgaar's part made him nervous, whereas in those days, he would've more likely quivered with excitement.

Aware he probably stared, Toki diverted attention to his hands, folded in his lap. His now carefully-spirited search for residual feelings went without his better judgement. More than likely whatever he saw—or imagined seeing—would clear up soon enough. Then again, he could so easily slant Skwisgaar's behaviour as of late in his favour.

"I guess maybes is why I likes making planes. Is a funs hobby too, I haves to gives it that. I'ves made other kinds of models too, but I didn'ts like them as much." Despite how often Skwisgaar asked about the models, Toki still grew suddenly insecure to speak about them without prompt. "I likes that I can concentrate on it for a littles while, and just forgets about everything else."

"Dat ams fucking, for me," Skwisgaar replied. "Haves to takes a break once in a while from de guitar, or else you goes a littles crazy. You know, use your finger for somet'ing else untils de urge strikes again."

"I thoughts you just really likeds fucking."

"Dat too. You knows what I mean, though."

"You aren'ts going to make a comment about how I shoulds maybe practice more?"

"Why bothers? It never help. I ams trying dis new t'ing where I leaves you alone and lets you figures it out."

Toki bore no optimism that that would last long. Still, he enjoyed it. Now that Skwisgaar mentioned it, Toki realized one more reason for this peace between the two of them. Being treated as an equal lately, rather than a petulant child, made a huge difference. Already, it factored in to how Toki regarded Skwisgaar. Rather than wishing for him to leave, so that Toki could crawl into bed, his own developing sleepiness made him mirror Skwisgaar's insouciance. "I appreciates it. It isn'ts easy to gets motivated when you's breathing down my neck all the times."

"I haves maybe develops some of dat. . .what you calls it? When you ams capable of figurings out why you does what you does?"

"Insight?"

"Shore, dat sounds like a good word. We calls it dat." A shift in Skwisgaar's shoulders denoted will to burrow deeper into Toki's bed. "I haves been hard on you."

"Ja."

"Minds you, I ams hoping dat by doings dis laissez-faire t'ing dat it mean de quality of our playing will stills increase. I don'ts want you to t'ink dat because I does dis, ams vacation time."

"I won'ts." Not now, at least. Had Skwisgaar not said anything, Toki would've automatically considered that lack of criticism meant everything he played sounded fine. Appreciation for a heads-up, rather than a telling-off later, offered vision of Toki's greatest hopes when he first joined Dethklok. He didn't consider himself a complete equal to Skwisgaar then, but he certainly liked to believe the two of them belonged to an executive club of guitarists unattainable by any of their so-called 'peers'. Since Skwisgaar was the one to decide Toki could join Dethklok, he assumed that he'd just met his best friend, whom he'd keep for his entire life. Sure, maybe relatively speaking Skwisgaar was Toki's best friend, but that hardly meant anything when the competition was for the most part quite awful.

Toki longed for as long as he could remember for someone he felt completely at ease with, who would listen to whatever he had to say without judging, and that he could stay awake with far into the night because talking was much more important than giving in to sleep.

"Hey, Toki?"

"Mhm."

"Dis mights be a long-shot, but what ams de chances dat you wants to sleeps wit' me?"

Nerves flooded into Toki's stomach, feeding the impression that it dropped toward his knees. "Whats you mean by that?"

"You know, comes over to my rooms, haves a sleepover t'ing."

"Dids the movie actually scare you?" On that merit alone, Toki could very well say yes to sharing a bed with someone else tonight. He couldn't decide if he'd be better off with Skwisgaar between him and the door, or between him and the window. More than likely, Skwisgaar would choose their sleeping arrangement.

"Ehh, I missed too much of dat for it to matter. Ams having a good time, figureds it ams in our best interest to go somewhere dat both of us can lays down. Den you don'ts have to t'ink about crawlings back when you ams finally ready to sleep. Cans just does it dere."

"That's the point of a sleepover."

"Ja, ja. Gives to me a break on de sarcasm, I'ms exhausted."

"Then why invites me to come sleeps with you, when you probablies aren't going to be ables to keep your eyes open? What's the points?"

Skwisgaar didn't offer a straight answer on their way down the hallway, nor before Toki laid awake all by himself while Skwisgaar finally gave in to heavy eyelids beside him. Certainty that Skwisgaar saw enough key points of the horror film had Toki seriously considering writing the night off and heading back to his own bed. However, he'd already come this far, Skwisgaar's bed was comfortable, and despite Skwisgaar's mornings being really touch-and-go, Toki figured how the next one went would dictate whether or not he ever allowed this again.

While he expected someone cranky to replace whom he palled around with the night before, Toki hadn't decided how he might react to physical contact. At the very least, Skwisgaar remained asleep while he warmed Toki's backside and weighed his waist with an arm. What Toki needed to figure out was whether or not they'd found this position while awake or in slumber.

Either way, Toki decided not to ask. He wriggled his way out before Skwisgaar woke up, although couldn't completely escape without answering what time it was and lying about having slept long enough. The concept that Skwisgaar might have developed an attachment made Toki antsy enough without confrontation. What would he even say, after worming it out of Skwisgaar that such a thing existed? It wasn't something he ever anticipated once the dream of it dissipated, and what moron wouldn't question motive? Why would Skwisgaar transcend such a perimeter? Even if it offered opportunity to exploit physical attraction for a lay, Toki couldn't tangle himself in such a mess. He didn't need to ruminate long to realize his feelings would be incredibly hurt if the outcome was another switch in places. No longer would Toki waste his heart on someone that could treat him so cruelly.

He paid closer attention to Skwisgaar, instead. Was the suspected crush just that, or legit? Fair treatment seemed to extend beyond the final hour or two before bed, but Toki still didn't trust it. He'd been hurt far too many times after reaching out to the other guys for whatever reason. The last thing he needed—the proverbial cherry on top—would be mirroring Skwisgaar's behaviour and having him run to the others in glee, ready to engage in one big laugh.

"What ams dat one?"

Whatever his fears and suspicions, nothing changed what Skwisgaar had transformed into his routine. Toki worked on a new model, highly engaged and concentrated, while Skwisgaar curled up on his bed with a cup of hot cocoa steaming away on the bedside table.

"Messerschmitt, or something. I can'ts remember exactly, and the box is over there." Toki jerked his head in direction of the bookshelf.

Not all too surprisingly, Skwisgaar kept mostly quiet. His breathing seemed to even out for a short while (a glance over Toki's shoulder confirmed a slack jaw and peaceful expression) but then a deep inhalation preceded a groan in the mattress. Toki thought Skwisgaar might leave, but lack of farewell meant he'd merely rearranged himself into a more comfortable position.

He was still there when Toki emerged from the bathroom, ready for bed. Shooing Skwisgaar, like he had every night since their so-called sleepover, was postponed by a contemplative expression. "Why's you looking at me like that?"

Skwisgaar curled in tighter on himself. "Cans I ask you somet'ing?"

"I guess."

"What does you t'ink about us?"

It was the question Toki both waited for and dreaded. Despite all his contemplation, he still had no idea what to say. Saying no meant turning Skwisgaar down, and Toki wasn't a hundred-percent sure on that. And yet, were he to say yes, what exactly did he say yes to? A boyfriend? A fuck-buddy? Or were they even on the same page?

"Likes what?" Toki asked, to be certain.

"Dis ams comfortable, amn'ts it?"

Judging by how Skwisgaar laxly lounged on his bed, yes for him. Toki on the other hand couldn't figure out which leg to put his weight on. Should he cross his arms, let them dangle stupidly at his side, or place his hands on his hips? He opted to rub his elbow; it corresponded well with the awkward clearing of his throat. "Ins a way."

"What does dat mean?"

"That I don'ts know what to think about this."

"Does you t'inks about me dat way?"

"I don'ts know."

"At alls?"

"Maybes? But I'm not sures."

"How cans you not be sure? You know what it feel like, to t'inks about someone like dat." Skwisgaar yawned. "You can tells me straight, if you needs to say no but am worrieds about hurtings my feelings. Ams better to gets it out of de way."

Toki didn't want to ruin his chance, though. Worse than in the past, he'd kick himself forever if these feelings returned just in time for Skwisgaar's eye to have moved along. How often did his gaze remained fixed on someone, anyway? While it concerned Toki that Skwisgaar might grow bored either way, it did nothing more than hesitate him while sitting up near the head of the bed. A hand landed gently on Skwisgaar's arm. However much Toki wished to shed all the fear and acquired wisdom that his years instilled, this was all he could currently offer.

"I don'ts know," he repeated. "You're so. . .mercurial. How cans I depend on someone that's always changing? I nevers know when you's going to be like this, or whens you going to be the bossy megalomaniac asshole."

"I'ves been working on dat."

A smile crept up on Toki, for Skwisgaar had already proven that. It didn't help that his skin felt so soft beneath Toki's fingertips, and that he looked so good in Toki's bed and on the verge of sleep. Unsure yet if he'd regret this, Toki attempted to make room for both of them on the twin-sized mattress. Skwisgaar scooted back toward the wall and Toki's ass hung over the edge, but it still didn't quite work. Sharing a pillow allowed more intimacy than Toki initially intended. For something else to do rather than meet Skwisgaar's gaze, Toki redirected his to where calloused fingers in kind now skimmed his upper arm.

"If you ams on de fence den, ams maybe nots a bad idea dat we go slow?" Skwisgaar suggested. "Dis amn't somet'ing I does very often."

"So long as we don'ts go too slow for you to gets bored of me."

"Ifs you were boring, don'ts you t'ink I woulds have stopped hangings out in here by now?"

"Aren'ts I? You'ves never shown this kind of interest in anythings I do, befores this whole thing started."

"T'ing change, I guess, when you start looking at someone else different. It ams interesting because you cares about it."

"That sounds so superficials."

"It doesn'ts when it ams a friend, so how ams dis any different?"

"I just wants to be sure you aren'ts faking it, to makes me think we have something in commons."

"We haves enough in common alreadies, don'ts we?" Toki conceded it with a half-shrug before Skwisgaar continued. "Ifs you ams at all curious abouts dis, den why nots give it a try? What rule ams it dat we needs to be at de same level for dis to be good? Eithers you catch up or you don'ts."

"Or I goes beyond you, whiles you lose interest. Or vice versa. I don'ts want either of us hurt."

"Dere ams a chance for ones of us to gets hort, ja, but I am sayings fuck it because if we gives dis a go and it work, I ams goings to be very happy dat I tooks de risk."

Prospect of making Skwisgaar happy, not that he wasn't capable of it on his own, further shortened Toki's hesitation to give it a try. If they were honest and careful, then what harm could come from gently tapping the old well of unspent affection Toki deeply buried? "I woulds be too."

"Mights be soon to ask, but why don'ts you come stays wit' me tonight?"

Toki didn't think it was, so he gathered up his pillow in order to traverse rooms. He used to think when he was younger that, should the two of them ever exist on the same wavelength, sex would come before anything else. There were two different ways for them to work their way toward trust, this being the alternative option. It was almost easy to forget just whom Toki crawled into bed with. A dip in the mattress, possibly a groove from Skwisgaar's sleeping habits, could just as easily originate from an FBL. Toki made a conscious decision not to get hung up on it, feeling a lot more cuddly when darkness fell upon them.

Pliancy met him. "So what happened, huh?"

"What's you mean?"

"How dids this happen? I didn'ts expect it."

"T'ings just. . .change, I guess. Nots dat we nevers had chemistry."

Toki nuzzled his nose in Skwisgaar's hair before planting a cautious kiss. "Nows you have a good idea abouts why it drove me so crazy, whens I was younger."

"Ja."

"You knews about that?"

"Wasn'ts de right time, though."

"I guess you nevers know when it is, until it come," Toki postulated.

With this talk, such a warm body beside him, and fuzzy sleepiness sinking in, this had to be it. To test the idea, Toki closed his eyes and mapped Skwisgaar's face with his nose and lips. The ridge of Skwisgaar's brow earned a string of kisses, then the bridge and length of his nose before Toki turned his head as necessary to mould their mouths together. A soft groan in response sent a shiver down Toki's spine, and spindly arms loosely wrapping about his neck to keep him near melted Toki completely. He still wasn't completely ready to give himself wholly into this endeavour, but Toki could at the very least confirm that feelings definitely existed. When breath pooled between them during a break, Toki couldn't imagine falling asleep anytime soon, no matter how quickly his body eased toward that.

"Cans we keep doing dis, untils we can'ts anymore?" Skwisgaar eventually asked through a fresh yawn.

"Ja, ja, Sleepyhead."