Dearly beloved
Dear Mister Annoying Venven,
Since I'm stuck with you as a 'teacher' and now tutor just to make things worse… and that the principal asked me to do so, you're actually reading the freaking letter I was asked to give you as a self-presentation. Even if we don't know each other that much, we both know that I don't really need to present myself, but I'll do it anyway. Just for you, I wrote it slowly since I'm pretty sure you can't read really fast. The fact is that, since the very first day we met, the lack of word coming from your mouth and the fried fish face you made when you saw me sitting in your comfy couch eating the last bag of your favorite chips, made me think that your brain was quite slow. Am I right? I think so. Well, I don't know what Prompto was thinking when he befriended you, maybe he, too, has a lack of cells? I wouldn't even be surprised since it's that blond airhead cousin of mine we're talking about. And the fact that I'm caught with you until he restores my supposed-to-be room makes me want to kill myself. Well, I'm pretty sure the feelings are mutual. Why didn't he send me to another one of his friend, are you the only one he has? Poor him…
There's one thing I like when I spend some time with you though: when I'm nagging you, laughing at you or even making fun of you, the redness rising on your angry (or embarrassed, maybe?) face amuses me a lot. But don't worry, I don't hate you. You keep me entertained and I like it. Well, that's why you're here, isn't it? Also, I don't need a caretaker, so would you stop stalking me in school or spying on me while I'm on internet or even when I'm texting? When I'm on the computer and you walk behind me, you're taking a not-so-subtle peek on the website I'm going on, try to do it less obvious. Just so you know, I don't watch porn, I'm not like you, you perverted not-so-old man. Oh and if you receive a bill about… let's say, a couple of bucks, it's not my fault, really. Ebay has a lot of useless and interesting things, don't you think..?
Also, about the rumor I accidentally spread, (or not) you should thank me. Yeah, looks at the bright side! Students aren't approaching you as much as they were before! Instead of hitting on you, asking you out or squealing about 'How fucking sexy you are', students and teachers are now looking at you oddly and whispering about 'How much of a pedophile you are'. You'll be able to live a more peaceful life, isn't it beautiful? Yeah, that's right. Anyway, just because a bunch of students and teachers are drooling over you and your body doesn't give you the right to drool over mine. Don't try to deny it, I saw you yesterday staring at my awesome butt. Watch out, I do karate! And I won't hesitate to kick your sexy ass as much as I want! Scratch that, I didn't wrote that. Why are you out of liquid paper when I need it? Crap.
Oh look, it's already twenty-two o'clock. Time's flying fast, don't you think? I didn't have time to begin to talk about me; I was so passionate to talk about you! Now, I need to go to bed, like you just asked me to a minute ago to stop bothering you, but I continue to write, currently watching you eating that chicken sandwich of yours in the kitchen. Oh you're looking at me with that serious glare now because I'm not listening. I'm laughing at you because you have a little bit of mustard on your chin, but you're not aware of it, so you just continue to glare harder at me, who's laughing even more of you. Just because I don't want to completely get in your bad side, I finally listened to you and went in my room. If you were wondering, I wasn't sleeping. Whoa! There's a limit to your authority, you can't tell me when I need to sleep, and my amazing brain is still able to do that. Hmm well, I guess that's pretty much it...
Much love, (Last name) Freaking (First name)
Ps: By the way, I just remembered that I ate the remaining piece of cake you were keeping for yourself. I was so hungry, but the carrots didn't seem appetizing to me at all. No harsh feelings, okay? Xxx
Pps : Also, you really should buy more than only one pencil, or a pencil sharpener, you know? Just in case the pencil lead brea—