Title: INTO EMPTINESS
Author: Radiorox / Jackie

Summary: When Mac joins the CIA in order to protect Harm, she turns into someone that operates without emotions. Can Harm rescue her before it's too late?

"Everything will slip away
Shattered pieces will remain
When memories fade into emptiness
Only time will tell it's tale, if it all has been in vain"
Within Temptation - "Frozen"

Chapter 1: Sacrifice

There will never be an us.

Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie stood stoically at a cab stand outside of the Nuevo Simpatico hotel in Paraguay. Minutes earlier her partner, Commander Harmon Rabb Jr was at her side trying to usher her into a cab and back to the real world, back to Washington.

There will never be an us.

Words that she'd said several minutes earlier reverberated in her head making it pound so hard that she could hear her own heartbeat. Mac's palms were sweating, her breathing grew heavier and her vision began to cloud. She felt the familiar swell of saliva in her mouth and she hurried off to an alleyway where she wretched. What have I done? She thought to herself, remembering the defeated look in his eyes as the taxi had taken him away.

Mac placed a hand on the brick wall of one of the buildings, helping to steady herself as her vision continued to swim. Her head felt like it was going to explode and that is when Victor Galindez found her. "Ma'am, are you alright?"

"No." She confessed and dropped her purse on the floor as she threw up again. Gunny held her, rubbing his hands slowly on her back as she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the pavement. Once the dry heaves had stopped, he offered her a handkerchief and helped usher her out of the alley.

"Mr. Webb is waiting for you." Gunny escorted her to the waiting black suv and helped Mac inside. She was shivering although it had to be close to 100 degrees and terribly humid. He wished he had a jacket to offer the senior officer. "Are you sick, ma'am?"

Was she sick? Probably. She must be to accept CIA Director Kershaw's offer to resign her commission and join the CIA. "Not feeling particularly well, Gunny. Must be the water."

Webb's hand shook as he took her hand and squeezed gently. "What did you tell Rabb?"

There will never be an us.

Each time the words coursed through her mind, Mac could feel the wave of nausea return. Dear God, what had she done? How could she be so cruel? "I told him we would never work out and then I put him in a cab and sent him on his way." She made her tone sound hard and authoritarian and thanked the Lord that the darkness concealed her watery eyes. Mac hadn't meant it, not one bit but, it was the only way he would return to the States and leave her and Webb behind to deal with Sadik Fahd, the terrorist that tried to kill them.

"That was a little harsh." Clay pointed out knowing full well that the pair had always been closer than they lead on. From his conversations with Mac during their ordeal in Paraguay, he knew how much she loved Harmon Rabb. It was evident during fitful sleep when she'd called out his name.

Mac shrugged. "Harm's pigheaded, he wouldn't have left me behind otherwise." He wouldn't have left her behind unless she'd hurt him. Bringing up their dance and breaking it apart had been easy, he'd left the opening the night prior with a barb about her exes. It was chaff, she knew, a way for him to mask his own pain at not being able to figure out the thing between them. Perhaps, in reference to her, he too felt dead.

It had been too easy; a shot across the bow that came out of nowhere. Maybe she had meant it; sort of. They'd been nasty to each other since he'd rescued her and when Mac had tried to figure out why he'd come looking for her, Harm had been ambiguous, as usual. Part of her knew that he loved her but, it was the insecurity that lived inside of her that doubted. She needed to hear the words and hated herself for it. There was a difference between love and being in love. And it hadn't been the first time that he'd risked his life and career to play Superman. He would have done it for anyone of their friends. Hell, he even put his life on the line, years ago, for Clayton Webb.

Mac pulled her hand out of Clay's and stared out of the window. Something about this was wrong, she could feel it in her gut. Normally she wasn't the type to make rash decisions, that was Harm's M.O. But, when Clay had mentioned that Harm would not be let back into the Navy and Kershaw was planning to use his piloting skills in the CIA, she sacrificed herself and traded her commission for his.

The alternative would have sent him to the agency and it was a trade off that Mac wasn't willing to accept. He'd risked his life to save her and now, she would save him and the career that made up so much of his life. And what a career it was, pilot, lawyer, war hero. The man was like a knight in shining armor and Mac knew that her records had enough dings that promotions would be delayed. Harm on the other hand had a future and a possible command of his own - she wouldn't let him lose that.

It was an easy proposition motivated by a certain terrorist that was still free to cause havoc - something that Mac blamed herself for. The conversation she had with Clay while they were locked in a room waiting to be tortured was overheard. She'd been careless but, in the moment when her and Clay's life hung in the balance, the facade had shattered. It wasn't difficult for Sadik to connect the dots with the help of his mole in the agency. Before she was strapped down to a torture table, he'd rattled her personal information at her as if he'd been reading her personnel file.

As the vehicle sped away from the city, Mac couldn't help but, think of the hurt that Harm must have felt. The pain that she knew she inflicted and the sorrow that numbed her senses. She felt the cold creep up her spine again and couldn't help the involuntary shiver.

She was frozen and didn't even feel when Webb draped a jacket over her shoulders. "You're doing this for him, aren't you?" Webb asked, knowing the answer. When it came to Mac, it would always be about Harm - nothing would change that. He could feel Mac distancing herself and any tender moments they could have shared crumbled before his eyes.

"Yes and he's never going to forgive me for this." She said out loud, wiping away the tear that ran down her cheek.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Webb rationalized, hoping to ease the loss she felt. "You'll be away for several months, he'll forget."

Only she knew Harm and her comment was an emotional tsunami that he would not recover from. It was too much of a blow to his ego as she doubted that few women ever said 'no' to him before. There will never be an us. "No, he won't." She would see to it.

"Take comfort in the fact that you're saving him. Harm wouldn't last in the CIA. Emotionally, he'd be gutted. We lose a part of our souls in this job." Webb said matter of factly and then leaned back hoping the drugs that were given to him would take him into oblivion.

Gunny couldn't help but agree with Clayton Webb although he'd lost more than his soul, he lost the woman he loved. He thought about the thrill and excitement that made him want to join the agency - something he couldn't get in the Marines. There was an unpredictability and a feeling that he was truly doing something to save innocent lives. The Marines and all military in general were shackled by the chains of command while the CIA seemed to operate in grey areas. He found his talents better suited for the dark although he needed a new partner and Clayton Webb was not it. The man had an uncanny ability of getting into all sorts of trouble and this would be the third time he'd managed to save the other man's six. It was becoming an annoyance. "Ma'am, are sure about this? Once you're in, there's little chance of getting out."

"Yes, I'm sure." Only she wasn't and the one thing she desired the most was shattering to millions pieces. What she wanted most was to never lose Harm - she'd eradicated that with one sentence.

The will never be an us.