Dark Shade of Gray, a degrassi fanfic

Dark Shade of GrayNote: I don't own Degrassi or the songfic I used for the first chapter. It belongs to t.A.T.u., although I used it in a different context then their manager does.

With a flood of tears, Manny tore every outfit from her closet that reminded her of what had happened. Tank tops, tube tops, and ruffle skirts went flying onto the floor only to be stuffed into a trash bag, with "Charity" written in big letters on a white piece of tape. Putting on an oversized sweater and some baggy jeans, she wondered if anyone would recognize her anymore.

Can you see me now?

Can you see?

"Oh my God, is that Manny?" Liberty asked Kendra.

"Can't be," Kendra laughed. "She's actually dressed for once."

Dating Ashley's brother basically gave Kendra the responsibility to hate Manny, which she rarely forgot, despite the fact that she barely knew the girl.

"Ash," Paige sighed. "Why can't you get over Craig? We're all getting kind of sick of this."

All this weeping in the air

Who can tell where it will fall?

Through floating forests in the air

'Cross the rolling open sea

"Hey, bth," Sully shouted. "Where've you been? Cheated on me with anyone else lately?"

"Leave me alone," Manny pleaded.

"And how do you plan to make me?" Sully sneered.

A tall and burly boy responded with a quick, "Ouch," to back Sully up.

I can't do this anymore, Manny thought to herself. I have to stop being me. Or maybe stop being Manuella.

Once Manny got home, she saw a pair of scissors lying on the table, which gave her an idea. She anxiously chopped away the long, dark hair Craig thought was so beautiful. Now that I've done this, I can never start over, she mused. Maybe I can be someone else and forget it all.

But when Manny was finally done, all she wanted to do was cry. Her beautiful dark locks had been replaced with a short, tattered mess. It's so no one will recognize you, she reminded herself. It's the only solution.

Blow a kiss, I run through air

Leave the past, find nowhere

Floating forests in the air

Clowns all around you

"Can you believe that's the girl he cheated on me with?" Ashley asked Ellie. "What is she that I'm not, besides a slut?"

"I wonder why she did with her hair," Ellie commented, wanting to support her best friend. "It looked better before."

"Ashley, let it go!" Paige said. "We're getting tired of hating her around you, just so you won't get upset."

"Paige, give her a break," Ellie said. "What would you do if Spinner cheated on you?"

Clowns that only let you know

Where you let your senses go

Clowns all around you

It's a cross I need to bear

This is what you get for giving up the baby, Manny thought. They would rather have seen me as a teen mother, wouldn't they? Be Manny, she thought. Not Manuella. You're not beautiful anymore. No one notices you. Start over. Deep breath.

"Um…Emma," Manny said pleadingly to the girl who was fully absorbed in her conversation with Chris.

"What do you want?" Emma demanded.

"I want to talk to you," Manny pleaded. "I want to say I'm sorry."

"Well I'm sorry, Manny," Emma said. "But I told you, I don't want to be friends with the school slut."

All this black and cruel despair

This is an emergency

Don't you hide your eyes from me

Open them and see me now

"Please," Manny said. "Give me another chance. I still want you to be my friend. I need people. Not Craig or Sully. I need a real friend. I need you."

"Leave me alone," Emma pleaded.

Can you see me now?

Can you see?

"Never mind then," Manny sighed. "I'll find somewhere else to have my lunch."

Can you see me now?

Can you see?

Can you see me now?

"Manny! Manny, wait!" a male voice said.

"Leave me alone," Manny pleaded. The last thing she wanted was to talk to a guy. Any guy reminded her of Craig, or Sully.

"It's me, J.T.!"

"What?" Manny asked.

"I guess Emma's not taking it well," J.T. said, walking beside Manny.

"I brought it upon myself," Manny hissed. "I shouldn't have hooked up with Craig. And I should have kept the baby."

"I know," J.T. said. "But you can't put one hundred percent of the blame on youreslf. Craig shouldn't have cheated on Ash, and Sully shouldn't have changed his opinion of you just because of your outfit."

Manny considered this. "And, isn't that what you did?"

J.T. rolled his eyes. "Alright, I'm a guy, I notice these things. But I've known you since grade seven, and I know you as Manny. Not as a girl who got an abortion, and not as the school slut."

"Uh huh…" Manny said sarcastically.

"If you ever need to talk, I'm around."

Can you see?

Can you see me now?

"I can't believe he's talking to her," Liberty sighed. "I can't believe it. He chose the school slut over me. First he pretends to be gay to avoid me, and then he goes after Manny. Am I really that awful?"

"Of course not," Kendra said. "You're just…you're smart. It intimidates guys like him."

"Well I'm going to go find out what's going on," Liberty said.

Can you see me now?

Floating forests in the air

Clowns all around you

Can you see

Can you see me now?

"Manny, wait here," J.T. said. "I'm going to talk to some of your friends."

Emma looked up from her salad as J.T. approached her table. "J.T.? What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you," J.T. said.

"Oh," Emma said. "About what?"

"About Manny," he finished.

"Oh," she said flatly. "Not interested."

"The girl made a mistake. It was a horrible one to make, but she can't go back. And I know she wishes she could," J.T. explained. "But just think of how you'd feel in her position."

"It's not a mistake," Emma responded. "It's a child. My mom was a teenager too, J.T. That could have been me."

"Manny's parents are Catholic, Emma. She could have gotten thrown out of the house," J.T. argued. All he wanted was for Manny to have her friends back, so she could be happy again, and would trust him.

"It's still a human life," Emma protested. "And with Catholic parents, she shouldn't have dressed like that to begin with."

Seeing that J.T. had failed, Manny made her way out of the cafeteria, not sure where she was going.

"Manny, I want to talk," Craig said.

"Craig, what are you doing out in the hall?" Manny asked.

"I uh…saw you come out here," he said. "And I think we need to talk."

"Go back with Ashley," Manny pleaded. "She's better for you."

"Ash and I are through," Craig said.

"So are we," Manny sighed, wishing she could accept it.

But as she saw him, the only thing she could think of was how badly she wished that things had happened differently, that she could just spend one more day with Craig.

See me here in the air

Not holding on to anywhere

But holding on so beware

I have secrets I won't share

"Did you even care what happened to me?" Manny asked. "I mean, you're just the 'player,' and the 'heartbreaker,' while I, for the same crime, have become the 'school slut,' and the 'killer.' And then you just go off and pretend nothing happened."

"I never pretended nothing happened," Craig argued. "You think it didn't bother me that we gave up our baby? You think I'm not upset that I put you through this to spite Ashley? Well I'm sorry! I'm sorry! And I'm tired of being sorry. I have to feel bad for Ash, bad for you, and you're saying that I don't care?"

See me here pushing you

If I then deny I do

Contemplate or wish away

If I ask you not to stay

"Well I can't stay here," Manny said. "If Ashley's leaving Degrassi, I think that's the answer for me too. My mom's sending me to a boarding school where nobody knows me. It's the only way I'll ever get parts of my life back. And it'll be better for you too, Craig. Now with both of us gone, you'll have no problem. Because now all anyone sees is our faults."

Clowns that only let you know

Where you let your senses go

Clowns all around you

It's a cross I need to bear

"Well, fine," Craig said. "Good luck then."

Manny knew that Craig's words were meant to create some sort of closure to her pain, a way of saying that he still cared, but that there was no way he could stay in her life. It felt as if a thousand aspects of her were being ended, beyond the baby's life. She had lost Craig, but more importantly, the best friend she would ever have.

"Manny!" J.T. called, as he made his way down the hall. "I heard what you told Craig. It's not true, is it? You can't leave."

Tears streamed down Manny's face as she spoke. "Yes, J.T. I have to."

All this black and cruel despair

This is an emergency

Don't you hide your eyes from me

Open them and see me now

Manny filled her suitcase with a few sensible outfits and necessities, but left everything else behind. When she got to boarding school, she wanted to be a new person, leaving the old Manny, and the shame behind.Can you see me now?Can you see me now?Can you see?Can you see?

But as she pulled through her closet for her best clothes, the last thing on her shelf was a small hat that belonged to her when she was a baby. She remembered how she had always wanted to dress up her future daughter in the pretty dresses her mother kept from her infancy. With that in mind, all Manny could do was cry.

Can you see?

Can you see me now?

Clowns all around you

Can you see me now?

Can you see?

Can you see me now?

Can you see?

Can you see me now?

Can you see?

"Wherever you are," Manny sobbed. "I couldn't have taken care of you. I didn't know what to do…and it wasn't even my idea. But I went through with it. But we couldn't handle another child in the family; my parents would have killed me if they knew I was pregnant. So…I did this to protect myself, I guess. And this is what happened. I wished that when they took you, they had taken me with you. I just wish I could believe what J.T. said. That it's a dark shade of gray."

Can you see me now?