MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING
This story contains some very serious topics. I would hate for someone to get triggered by reading this.
Read and review.
xo
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Never the Right Tomorrow
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Tomorrow will be better.
That is what everyone says to her and what she tells herself. Every day she wakes up and tells herself that tomorrow will be better if she just gets through today. Every night, when the cold, unforgiving hands of death start to embrace her and infect her mind, she tells herself that if she gets through tonight tomorrow will be better. So she puts down her gun and lives to see another day.
But Ziva David knows that it will never get better. She knows that the whole "tomorrow will be better" is total bullshit. She was just lying to herself every day to make others happy. It had taken her a while but she had finally figured out that they were wrong; tomorrow never came.
And that was why she was sitting there with a gun in her hand, ready to pull the trigger.
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Somalia is what had driven her to this. Before Somalia she wasn't exactly happy, but Somalia is when everything got so much worse. The things that happened to her were almost unspeakable. Almost. It just took the right person to get her talking.
That person came in the form of Gibbs. She opened up to him about what had happened in Somalia. But there was a problem. Ziva only told him some of what happened, not what she was feeling and definitely not the worst parts. And that is why she was now in this position; she was ready to kill herself. Completely and utterly ready to die.
Sometimes she wished she had spoken up about how she was feeling, but deep down she knew no one cared. She knew everyone would be better off if she was dead.
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The things that had happened to her in Somalia were horrific. Everyone knew she had been tortured, but they didn't know to what extent. The torture started out extremely cruel and only became worse. What Saleem and others had done to her was so incredibly inhumane and, if Ziva was honest, she had no idea how she was able to handle it all.
She was hit with every object imaginable, cut with knifes, burnt with cigarettes and lighters, denied food, punched, kicked and strangled. As well as being tortured physically, she was also tortured emotionally. She was made to feel worthless and like nobody loved her. She was made to think that this torture would last forever and that no one would save her, that eventually she would die.
The most horrible part of Somalia was that she was raped. Countless times by countless men. She hated them so much for it and she knew that she would never recover from the trauma their actions had caused.
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When she was rescued and came back to America, the torture still didn't stop. Ziva's mind kept on torturing her. No food. Insane amounts of exercise. Being constantly paranoid. The panic attacks that frequently crept up on her. The suicidal thoughts that plagued her mind. The continuous issue of self harm. What was wrong with adding a few more scars to a body covered in them? The way she had to throw up absolutely everything she ate; she was so thin that it felt like the slightest touch would snap her. The flashbacks that she couldn't control.
But deep down Ziva knew she deserved this pain. She deserved it because she wasn't strong enough to deal with it. Because she wasn't good enough. Because she wasn't able to save herself in Somalia.
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"You're damaged goods."
That's how Vance had put it when Ziva first came back. He was so absolutely right. Damaged goods; all she is and all she will ever be. There is no recovering from this.
"How could you have doubted Tony after everything you have been through together?"
Abby's words constantly tormented her. She was right. Ziva shouldn't have doubted him. Now it's just more guilt she has to carry around.
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Just before Ziva pulled the trigger she realised that she was actually wrong; tomorrow did come.
It was just never the right tomorrow.
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There is help out there for people who need it. You don't have to suffer alone.
Suicide is never the right option!