My first foray into the Criminal Minds fandom. I only ask that if you read, please read to the very bottom :-) Reviews and constructive criticism are, as always, encouraged!

Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all, or sung my life away;
(All the Stars and Boulevards - Augustana)

Soutien

It never surprises Hotch that out of all of them, Reid is the first to fall apart.

As a unit, they had always been continuously ripping at the seams and putting the pieces of one another back together. It was an occupational hazard of being a profiler, they all knew how to fix everyone else, yet none of them could face their own demons. And Reid - well, he had always been everyone's secret keeper.

Hotch nudges open the door, takes in the stark white room, as if no effort was ever made to give the occupants of said room anything to remember it by. The only distinctive quality of the room is the black line where paint was scraped off the wall behind the chair where Hotch sits. Reid had babbled about the contents of cheap paints and why they scratch off so easily during his last visit.

"Hey Reid, it's Hotch."

Hotch makes a dedicated attempt to visit Reid as often as possible, but Jack is nearly heading off to university and after all these years, they are both still coping with the violent loss of the woman that Hotch had loved for nearly all her life.

(We will catch him, and then I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.)

Rossi, oddly enough, visits Reid the most often. More often than he wants to, Hotch catches Rossi looking in the mirror, mapping out the lines on his face, profiling the grey head of hair, and thinking about the empty house that he goes home to after every case. Hotch knows that somewhere along the line, Rossi stopped being apprehensive and weary every time his phone lights up with JJ's name in the caller display, and began feeling glad. He knows that Rossi really has no reason to still be doing the job, the ghosts of cases that haunt him have long since been put to rest and it is only the reassurance of human contact that keeps the Italian on the job.

Sometimes, Hotch wishes he didn't know.

JJ visits Reid almost as much as Rossi, and 'Spence' is still the one JJ confides in about everything; as if nothing's changed. Hotch understands JJ's longing for some sort of familiarity after all she's been through; with Will leaving her after so many years of a tug-of-war relationship, resulting in the consequent loss of Henry in her life. JJ had always been the best at pretending that the monsters were far enough not to be able to touch them, but after so many years of no word or contact from her best friend, even she had to face the ugly truth that at best case scenario, Emily was still alone and lost somewhere in the world.

JJ isn't any longer the bright eyed media liason Hotch recruited so many heartbreaks ago. Particularly after Garcia relocated with Kevin, the number of her visits to Reid increased. Hotch wishes he could remedy their relationship, but there are seven seconds between when he reprimands her for unloading all her demons onto Reid and when she spits out the truth that Hotch just can't forgive - it's not like. . . he won't fucking remember anyway, Aaron! - and ever since Haley's death, he has long since realized that there are never any second chances for turning points like these.

"Hi Hotch, you have extremely deep set eyes. Did you know that genetically, that's. . . " Reid's eyes never flicker from his as he rambles on, and Hotch doesn't think he'll ever not be startled at how unburdened the younger man's doe brown eyes are. Occasionally, he indulges himself in comparing this Reid to the first time the genius step foot into the BAU, fresh and eager and filled with the wondrous liveliness that Hotch has seen sapped out of too many of his agents.

Hotch offers Reid the most genuine smile he can, and feels the seconds and minutes and heartbeats ticking away as he tells Reid about Jack and his job when the genius asks (and ignores the fact that he's pretending nothing's changed, even if everything has).

It isn't until Reid's eyes are distracted by the black streak behind his chair that his eyes leave Hotch, even for a second.

(but a second is always enough to shatter an illusion as fragile as theirs)

"Hmm, the paint's been scratched off the wall." Hotch watches as delicate doe eyes shift back to his, and recognizes the question behind them even before Reid opens his mouth to speak. It's enough to make him want to either get up and run before the skinny man can ask, or lean across the table and shake the collar of Reid's shirt until he can just fucking remember.

"I'm sorry, I'm Reid. . . who are you?"

Morgan steps into the room just as Hotch feels the air whoosh out of his lungs like it does every time Reid forgets him. (Reid doesn't remember it, but he breaks their hearts every day.) "Hi Pretty Boy. . . hey Hotch."

Hotch recognizes the look on Morgan's face that mirrors his own as he stands up to give Morgan the chair.

"Hi Morgan!"

On most days, Reid still remembers Morgan's name and Hotch can't decide if it is beautiful or tragic that the one out of only two people whose names Reid still remembers is Morgan's. The other is Gideon, who never will visit or even know of Reid's condition, although the younger man consistently asks for his old mentor.

Even after two years of visiting Reid and watching their interactions, Hotch can't decide what's sadder - the fact that Reid's forgotten the love he shared with Morgan, which kept the two of them sane even while they dealt with death and monsters every day, or the way Reid remembers enough of Morgan's person to keep the tortured expression on the coloured agent's face, a tether cut to its very last strand, enough to keep Morgan coming back but just never enough.

Hotch leaves the room - a sheet of stark white - knowing that no effort is made to make it memorable, because the truth is that Reid could never remember it anyway.

It doesn't surprise Hotch that Reid is the first of them to burn out - he had always been so brilliant and so terribly young.

It doesn't surprise Hotch that when he turns on the tap and looks in the mirror, he thinks about when Garcia kept their world from sinking into monotony, when Emily could depend on her friends and JJ was falling madly in love with the most charming southern accent she'd ever heard. When he slouches to the floor with his back to the bathroom door, Hotch thinks about Reid's old magic tricks, the way Morgan used to tease and joke and wink, and the suave confidence that Rossi just doesn't have anymore.

And when Jack hugs his dad goodbye and drives away to university young and wide-eyed and full of wonder, it doesn't surprise Hotch that he is crying for Haley and his team and everything that they were meant to be but never had.

If you read to the very bottom, thanks :-) If you didn't figure out that Reid has Alzheimer's, then obviously I didn't do a very good job with the piece! Whether you liked the piece or not, constructive criticism is always appreciated and if you have the time I'd like to know at which point in the fic did you realize Reid had Alzheimers, whether it was right from the beginning of the piece or if you never did, and props to anyone who can tell me what the title means and what language it's in, haha.