Chapter one

"I am sorry..."

As the words hit her back, Maura closed her eyes and hid her face in her hands; trying to restrain these tears that were burning her throat, now. It was a bad dream, it had to be. Then she would wake up and everything would be perfect again; as it had been for the past few months.

Because it had to; all of this couldn't be true.

Her arm came to brush the sheet of paper that she had abandoned on the kitchen island as she had sat down there. The contact made her jump; out of an already old automatism. Her brain assimilating it to danger. She didn't want to see it, never again. What for, anyway? The series of numbers was now in her head; engraved there with an icy bitterness. She wouldn't be able to forget.

Then the question came up – all of a sudden – without any warning, weighing on her heart. What if it was all a matter of statistics? What if they had reached – already – their maximal dose of happiness?

Since they had come back from Greece and made their couple official, everything had gone smoothly; with a disturbing logic and speed. Jane had moved to her house only a couple of weeks later and very soon they had talked about it, advanced the question. Perhaps and under other circumstances, people would have said that they were rushing into things but they weren't like anybody. They knew each other for years; their relation had always been strong, almost untouchable.

Besides, time was playing against them.

Very easily, they had come to the conclusion that Maura would carry the baby; because of her job, that was less risky. Jane would then adopt their child – their, the honey blonde shivered while remembering the plan – and their family would be settled. On time, at last.

Just like for any decision regarding their couple, it had come along very easily; logically. They hadn't talked about it yet with their entourage – as much as they had welcome enthusiastically their relation – but it was planned.

Everything was planned.

Until now.

Slowly – with coldness – Maura opened her eyes back and looked up in front of her. She was facing the fridge; the sun of the end of the day reflecting on its transparent doors. Her figure was blurry from the stool she had sat on. Yet as she focused on the features of her face – the lines of her shoulders – she felt like observing a complete stranger.

Odd how a life could tip over within a second; how she had left home in the morning being another one whose soul and purpose were cruelly missing, now. As if she had died; out there, in a cold office while a scientist's neutral voice was telling her that it was already over; that she was sorry.

The sound of the main door being slammed made her jump of surprise; its loudness contrasting sharply with the icy silence that was going on in her head. She remained still; quiet.

"You know what? I think I should invest in a helicopter, or a private jet. Anything that would make me avoid this horrible Boston traffic. At some point, I even assumed that I would leave the car right in the middle of the street and finish the journey walking."

Jane's vitality hurt her. She had been like that, once. As a matter of fact, she was still like that a couple of hours earlier when everything was still going fine. But now this energy made her feel exhausted. It wasn't even jealousy, just the incapacity to properly follow it. Unaware of Maura's silence, the brunette approached the kitchen island and plunged her eyes in the honey blonde's.

A bright smile was lighting up her features, echoing the flame of excitement in her dark pupils. Maura bit her lower lip, feeling suddenly guilty. Awfully guilty. Reducing to pieces her own wishes was one thing but doing the same to Jane was another one. A foreign concept she couldn't bring herself to adopt properly.

Tapping nervously on the kitchen counter with her fingertips, the detective rose inquisitive eyebrows before trying to restrain an even brighter smile to appear on her lips.

"So... When can you start the injections?"

Long seconds passed by – heavy ones – and little by little, Jane's smile faded away; just like in the bad dream Maura had imagined. Shaking, the medical examiner opened her mouth to reply but something prevented her from doing so. All of a sudden, her vision became blurry as her lips were trembling.

A heart-rending moan stormed out of her lips as she stood up – the stool falling down under the brutal gesture – and she rushed upstairs in a whirl of stifled sobs.

Completely taken aback by Maura's unexpected reaction, Jane remained still for a few seconds; staring blankly at the spot where the honey blonde was still sat on a few seconds before. The scream had made her jump backwards; out of surprise.

Now her heart was beating loud; too loud.

As a wave of panic was slowly spreading over her whole body, she cast a furtive glance at the corridor that led to the stairs – the path Maura had taken while running away from her – but as her eyes focused back on the kitchen island, she noticed the paper. It was wide opened, the name of the clinic appearing in big, black letters.

She grabbed it before going through every single word with a meticulousness she usually only used at work.

Jane wasn't a medical doctor but since they had agreed on maternity, she had read every single article she could have found on the subject; helped by the scientist, of course. So it didn't take her long to see and understand – to feel an icy rush of blood passing through her veins. She swallowed hard, put back the paper on the counter and started breathing loud.

There wouldn't be any hormonal injection soon. As a matter of fact, never. it would never happen. The results were clear: Maura couldn't have children.

Maura. Within a second, Jane took the exact same path as the honey blonde; rushing upstairs and not stopping until she reached their bedroom. The door was open ajar, revealing the darkness inside. With a shaking hand, she pushed it and entered. The medical examiner was there – in a fetal position – on the mattress; sobs shaking her whole body in a suffocating silence.

Something hurt inside Jane's body; her heart breaking into pieces before Maura crying in silence, in the dark.

Very slowly, she approached the bed – positioned herself behind the blonde – and delicately brushed her shoulder. Maura turned around immediately – accepting the invitation in silence – and abandoned herself to Jane's arms; her tears disappearing in the depths of the brunette's neck.

Without a word, Jane planted a kiss on top of the scientist's head before passing her legs over hers in a protective attempt; holding her tight.

So tight.