Title: Ebony Eyes

Author: DianeB

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Chakotay must learn how to be a father – and also to let go of the past.

Author's Note: This was written in 1997 for the Unicorn Press fanzine, "Unto Us A Son is Given." A challenge was extended by Brenda (who became my Mighty Editor Goddess) to write a story wherein Seska's baby was, first of all, really Chakotay's and was not taken off Voyager by the fleeing Kazon, as seen in the episode "Basics, Part Two" but left there beside Seska's body. For the sake of the challenge, the baby was given the name Tolucay. This is, essentially, my very first piece of fanfiction.

Chakotay turned from the body, intent on leaving. Every time he returned here, he would put himself through this. He did not necessarily want to go, but neither could be bring himself to stay. She was cold. She was Cardassian. No matter how hard he tried, he could not reconcile the body on the table with the Bajoran woman he remembered, the one he wanted so badly to remember. . .the woman he had once loved.

He felt Kes's eyes on him, but could not meet her gaze any more than he could remain beside Seska. He left Sickbay in a sudden burst of movement, just as Kes was about to reach her arm out to him. She stood silently watching his departing back, helpless to comfort him, just as she had been all the times before.

He progressed down the empty corridor, not sure where to go. The captain had given him some time off, but he was edgy and restless and could not settle in one place for very long. His quarters did not offer the solace it usually did, nor did the holodeck. And for the first time in his life, he felt no desire to commune with his spirit guide.

What he wanted to do was return yet again to Sickbay and this time throttle Seska for her betrayal, on all the levels she had done her betraying. Normally a nonviolent man, this heated thought startled him back to himself and he remembered the thing that was still so new that he had to keep reminding himself of it:

He had a son. He had a son!

And then he knew where he would go.

The doors hissed open smoothly and he stepped inside, breathing the fresh, clean air of healthy plant life. Kes had insisted on creating a nursery/daycare out of one end of the hydroponics bay, and it was, in fact, working out splendidly. It was rather like having a nursery in a garden. Ensign Samantha Wildman's daughter was thriving there, despite her recent ordeal with the rest of the crew on the unstable planet in the Hanon system, and Tolucay, for the brief time he'd been here so far, had voiced no objections. There were even additional cribs readied, in anticipation of future use.

There was an aide in attendance, a human woman of Scottish descent with long curly flaming red hair and the musical name of Bonnie MacDhui. MacDhui had had two years' schooling as a pediatrics nurse several years prior to her civilian assignment aboard Voyager, plus she came from a large family. This qualified her, at least in Captain Janeway's eyes, to head up the new nursery/daycare unit. When MacDhui turned and saw who had come in, she smiled warmly and moved away from the incubator she'd been checking. Chakotay approached uncertainly.

His face must have been an open book. "Commander, there's nothing to be afraid of. It's just a baby."

Chakotay gave her a weak smile, acknowledging he'd been caught. "How's he doing?" He cocked his chin toward the incubator.

"He's doing fine. He's only in the incubator a few hours a day to help him adjust to living on Voyager. And he probably won't need that any more after today." She paused and placed her hand gently on his arm, looking up into his dark eyes. "Seska did an excellent job of caring for him, she said softly. "Whatever else she may or may not have been, she was a good mother."

The sound of Seska's name sent a chill through Chakotay, but he recovered before the cold could reach his face. "Yes."

"Would you like to hold him?"

He remembered just then his father's words from their recent talk during a meditation.

. . .A son, Chakotay? Oh, this is the reason for your despair. Was he born with two arms and two legs, and a heart that beats? Then it's a cause for celebration.

. . .No part in it? It's been a long time, so forgive me, but it seems that I had to play a part before your mother could conceive.

. . .I see. You're trying to decide whether you should accept the child in your heart. He knows nothing of deception. He is innocent. He is your son, Chakotay, and he is a child of our people.

MacDhui's quiet voice penetrated his reverie. "Commander?" In the interim and without his ever being aware, she had opened the bubble-top of the incubator and lifted Tolucay into her arms. She had him bundled in a blanket and was holding him out to Chakotay.

Chakotay danced back a half-step, which MacDhui pretended not to notice, and then reached out to take his son (his son!). Tolucay made a little cooing baby sound, snuggled into his father's arms and went back to sleep, completely content and oblivious to the effect he was having on his father.

The effect was profound. His father was scared to death.

Chakotay could feel his arms trembling around the baby. Desperate to gain control before he dropped the boy, he looked around for a seat. MacDhui, in the gentle manner of caregivers everywhere, took his elbow and guided him to a rocking chair in the corner. He settled gratefully into a seat surrounded on three sides by planters full of flowers in a riot of exotic colors and fragrances.

MacDhui lightly patted his shoulder. "I'll just leave you two alone for a while, okay? But I'll be right outside if you need me. And remember, sir, he's a strong, healthy baby. He won't break. Oh, he might wake up and yell, because he's got a great set of lungs, but he won't break." She left him with his son.

Chakotay pumped his legs to start the rocker. The sound of Tolucay's infant breathing calmed him. The longer he rocked and listened, inhaling the sweet scent of the flowers around him, the more he felt the tension leave his body. Tucking Tolucay firmly into the crook of his right arm, he loosened his left arm and brought his hand up to stroke the child's cheek. The baby's mouth pursed and released a little spurt of bubbles, which Chakotay wiped away.

He ran a finger around the baby's closed eyes, noticing that the skin there was not as smooth as he had expected, but oddly smoothrough. He jerked his hand away as if burned, tensing again with the realization of why this was so. Damn you, Seska! Will you haunt me for the rest of my life? All the times we made love, you were so insistent about using birth control, to the point of destroying the spontaneity. He paused in bitter resignation. At least now I know why.

But he had learned from his talk with his father. He could not blame this child for the mistakes of his parents. He made himself study the little face. It was a perfect blend of human and Cardassian features. He suspected that Tolucay was probably the first blend of this kind, and he smiled in spite of his mood. My boy may be the only blend of this kind. Who knows what we'll find when we get home. Anyone hearing this thought would also have heard the note of pride in it, even if Chakotay himself did not.

Pulling the blanket back, he cupped the little head in his hand. The baby squirmed at this, one arm escaping the blanket, a tiny fist stirring the air. Chakotay caught the fist and opened it, tenderly inspecting the miniature fingernails. He glanced back into Tolucay's face and was startled to see a pair of ebony eyes, identical to his own, soberly contemplating him. Chakotay smiled and said, "Hello." Much to his absolute surprise and delight, the baby grinned at him.

With this grin, the tension in his body evaporated. Tolucay's hand had by this time connected with his father's little finger and was squeezing mightily. His toothless grin never wavered, filling Chakotay with a warmth he had never, ever felt before. Into this warm feeling came a crystal clear plan. He addressed his son.

"Quite a grip you've got there, little guy. It's a good thing, too, because I think I'll be needing you to hang on to me for a long, long time. How about we go for a walk?" He hefted the baby to his shoulder, covered him loosely with the blanket, and stood.

MacDhui was sitting in a chair just outside the door, reading. She looked up at Chakotay when the door slid open. It was clear she was glad to see he still had Tolucay. "Going for an outing, Commander?" Her wide smile indicated her wholehearted approval of this.

He read the smile for what it was, and nodded.

"Well, you have fun." MacDhui knew he had no experience with babies, and she had lots, so she kicked in a little bedside manner. "If he starts to fuss, it'll most likely mean he's either hungry or needs changing, or both. You just bring him back here and together we'll fix him right up, okay?"

Chakotay would be eternally grateful for the easy way she had offered the advice without making him feel like a complete moron. "Will do, Bonnie. Thanks."

MacDhui stepped back into the nursery, and Chakotay made his way down the corridor with his wide-awake son gurgling on his shoulder.

He felt himself slowing as he neared her quarters, doubting the validity of the plan that had been so marvelous only a few minutes ago. He arrived at her door just as Tolucay let fly a resounding holler. The baby wasn't upset, he was just testing lung capacity. MacDhui was right – he did have great lungs!

Apparently, this served quite well as a chime to rouse the occupant, because the door slid open before he could break and run. And there she stood, casually dressed in blue jeans and a plum-colored cotton knit sweater, smiling at the sight of him and his parcel.

"Captain."

Arms akimbo, she eyed him, maintaining her smile. "Chakotay. Nice to see you. Whatcha got there?"

He suddenly felt like a schoolboy again, all arms and legs and unable to string enough words together to make a sentence. As if he didn't have enough troubles. "Uh. . ."

With a glint of devilment in her blue-gray eyes, she reached for his squirming bundle, who was now gearing up to really cry. To distract the baby, she dangled him above her head on outstretched arms as Chakotay bent to retrieve the fallen blanket. He heard Tolucay laugh and straightened up to see her jiggling him up there, laughing right along with him. "What a great disposition he has, Chakotay," she said, her voice still husky with laughter. As she brought Tolucay back into her arms, she grimaced. "Er, I think he needs changing."

"Oh, Captain, I'm sorry," he said, reaching for the baby. "Bonnie said to bring him back to the nursery if that happened and she'd, uh, well what she said was 'together we'll fix him right up,' but I think she was only humoring me." He gave her a sideways grin.

Janeway turned slightly away from him, not allowing him to take Tolucay. "No need to go that far, Chakotay. We'll whip up a diaper right here." She slung the baby casually onto one hip, her hand on his back for support, and padded back into her quarters, toward the replicator, bouncing him gently as she went.

Chakotay watched her, amazed at the familiar way she handled Tolucay. He knew she had not raised any children of her own and, at the jealous age of four, had wanted no part in caring for her newborn sister. So he chalked it up to the only thing he could come up with: good old-fashioned maternal instincts, and hoped to the spirits he could do half as well anytime soon.

Janeway, in fact, bypassed the replicator, and went instead to the comm panel. She contacted MacDhui in the nursery, explaining where Chakotay and Tolucay were and what they needed. When MacDhui said she had replicated plenty of diapers, plus a couple bottles of formula, Chakotay realized Janeway had already figured that out and was why she didn't bother with the replicator. A few seconds later, the needed supplies were beamed in.

Chakotay watched in fascination as Janeway deftly changed Tolucay's diaper, disposed of the dirty one, wrapped him in the blanket, and popped the bottle into his eager little mouth – all in the space of about three minutes. Sitting on the couch with the baby in her arms, contentedly sucking away, she looked up at him. "See? Easy as pie."

"You do that well, Captain. But I didn't bring him here to have you babysit."

"Thanks, Chakotay, but do you think you could remember to call me Kathryn when we're off duty, especially now that I've seen your son without a diaper? And why did you bring him here?"

Uh oh. The question was fair enough, but it set schoolboy alarms to clanging again. He fought the urge to grab his son, mumble an inadequate apology, and bolt. Screwing his courage to the sticking place, he instead began to answer her question. "Well, originally I was just visiting him in the nursery, but then I had this thought. . ."

"Go on," she urged softly. He watched as she uncorked Tolucay, shouldered him and patted his back. A well-fed burp erupted from him instantly. She continued to pat his back. Gradually changing the pat to a rub. Chakotay just sighed to himself and continued.

"Before we release Seksa's body to space, I'd like to take Tolucay to see her. I know he's too young to understand now, but at least when he gets older, I'll be able to tell him he did get to see his mother a final time and that I was with him when he did."

She smiled. "That sounds like a fine idea. When would you like to do this?"

"Right now, Cap. . .Kathryn." He hesitated. She noticed and questioned it.

Once more recalling words from the past, not from a dream this time, but from a special reality they had shared, he said quietly, "The Angry Warrior, unable to find peace within himself, is seeking help and support from the brave, beautiful, and wise Woman Warrior."

"I'd be honored to accompany you and your son, Chakotay."

Chakotay stepped over and took the now-sleeping infant from her as she stood. Cradling Tolucay in his left arm, he extended his right for Janeway's hand. She gave it to him and they exited.

End.