Authors note: So, here's my attempt at writing a depressing story. Closest I'll ever get if you ask me. Jagan fluff all the way baby!

I'm actually, officially on holiday but I couldn't help myself. When your iPods right by your bed of a night or you're sunbathing and it's literally calling your name, what else is there to do?

I read the book that was supposed to last me two weeks on the plane ride here. Smart.

I'm not quite sure how this came to be. I think a mixture of fanfictions. I know one of them is to do with sign language or something and I think the other little pieces have just been jamming in my brain for a while now so yeah.

Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is STILL unfortunately not mine. Same old heart breaking story...

Ever since the memory of his 'evil babysitter' had made its way back into Logan's life, nothing had been the same.

It had always been a promised secret to which he had forgotten but ever since his parents and three friends had found out and the promise had been broken, nothing had been the same.

Logan went into a full blown meltdown. The occasional word that babysitter would've used had memories eating at Logan's physique.

He was so scared he'd come back for revenge, that anything related to the guy would make Logan findable.

You wouldn't have guessed, Logan kept himself to himself.

If he were to be in agonising pain, unless it was physically noticeable, you wouldn't have known. I

t was hard to be there for Logan when he wouldn't even be there for himself.

But they did notice when they found him on the ground, crawled up in a ball and shaking violently as a guy stood over him, shock written all over his face.

"What happened?" Kendall gasped, bending down to hold his scared friend.

The fact Logan still hadn't cried had worried looks heading his way.

He wouldn't let it out.

"How do I know? I asked him if he was up for a good time. He said no, I put down that hardback brain melting crap, told him he needed a break and he just told me to go away!"

"You idiot!" Carlos snapped, glaring up at the guy of which he should've really been intimidated by.

But when Carlos made a point, it was out there, no matter who you were.

"Well I'm sorry... Jheez, don't need to get all emotional over a little harmless flirting. Whatever, bye."

And then, even the Jennifers watched him leave in discuss.

Kendall brought up his still trembling friend, cupping his head as he tried to make him make eye contact with anyone, anything.

Something that wasn't a memory.

Eyes finally fell when James bent down, his hand soft as he brushed it against Logan's cheek.

Logan nor James for that matter had ever really been touchy-feely people, but they'd always made exceptions for each other.

After all, in the end, even the bravest of us need a cuddle and a good listener.

"Logan, he's gone, he's not here. It weren't him. He'll never be able to hurt you like he did. I personally swear I won't let anyone hurt you like he did."

And then the tap broke. The tears took over and he was back in Kendall's arms in seconds, James just about able to hear him when he spoke into Kendall's damp shirt.

"I don't want to go through it again. Please don't let me hurt again James."

That had been the last thing Logan had said.

After passing out in Kendall's arms and being carried to the hospital, he'd been diagnosed with depression. Not that anyone was all that shocked.

It was long over due.

Logan hadn't spoke since that day, his presence just in the background.

He didn't cry, he didn't smile, he barely moved unless it was necessary.

"Logan!"

Logan finally looked up to the board after a few more taps, staring indifferently at the maths problem in front of him.

James was head down in his paper next to him, trying to solve the problem with his own smallish brain.

To be fair, it had been virtually impossible.

"Logan, you had that pen to your paper for two minutes. Do you have a problem?"

She was lucky to get eye contact.

"Logan Mitchell! Stay behind after class! If you have a problem, tell me and don't just sit ther-"

"He's finished!" James snapped, glancing at his paper to confirm his argument.

It shouldn't have been possible, even for Logan. But, he'd managed.

After all, what else is there to do apart from study when you don't even live.

James had honestly taken what Logan had said to heart.

Nothing had meant anything after that. His last words, the last beat of his heart that'd had any kind of emotion in it had been for James.

It was his responsibility to make sure the medicine was taken, that Logan hadn't died unnoticeable in the seat next to him and that he stayed breathing at night and didn't try to end the emptiness.

James felt so selfish, he felt as if he was keeping Logan like an injured gerbil.

He was practically done for, putting him down would have been the best thing for him.

Everyone had given up.

But James hadn't. It's what he woke up for.

The peaceful, quiet, sleeping beauty made his day.

He always had.

But now, he just had him there. Refused to believe Logan was done for and spent all his time trying to prove he wasn't.

Beep.

"Hay James, its Becky again. You didn't answer my last three calls. When are you free next? Call me, bye!"

James deleted the message, making his way back over to the sofa to join his friend.

Honestly, nothing would've happened if he'd left Logan alone for a couple of hours but it hadn't been a risk he'd been willing to take.

Watching Logan watch his textbook hadn't been an unusual thing.

Just checking, just waiting.

"Hey amigos!" Carlos sang, skipping into the apartment with a new helmet on show.

Still not as interesting.

"Oh James, I bumped into that Becky girl. She's asking after you. I thought you were going out with her?"

"Haven't got time." James shrugged, sitting back to look at Logan again.

The TV hadn't even been on.

"Oh." Carlos frowned, not quite having the same courage as Kendall when it came to telling James to give up and get a life of his own.

The real Logan wouldn't have wanted James to give up his life, they all knew it.

"Can I have her?"

Carlos half expected James to at least have a go at him for making a human being sound like a possession.

That wouldn't have been like James but it would've been the closest they'd got in months.

"She's all yours." James smiled, not looking away once as Carlos hurried out of the door to retrieve his new girl.

Logan hadn't even noticed either boy had been in that room.

Time flew pass, for Logan that was.

For everyone else, a lifetime couldn't have covered it.

James fought with Kendall, Gustavo, Griffen, Kelly, Mrs. Knight, Carlos, Katie. You name it, he fought with it.

They all said the same thing but he continued to ignore it. That finger was staying up his ass.

No music was made.

That's where even Gustavo drew the line.

Griffen had been mad but unable to change it.

No Logan, no Big Time Rush.

Gustavo had never believed Logan was capable but he did then.

He believed at some point, he'd have to sing and earn a living.

Although hope is a better word. James just wanted Logan back, his reassuring promise every night sometimes had Logan's attention for a second.

James sometimes thought he could feel Logan hug back.

There came a point where even Mrs. Mitchell was refusing to let him stay, claiming she missed her baby and wanted to help him get through this. How she felt so bad for not being there when she should've and wanting to make up for it.

Knock knock.

"Hi Mrs. Mitchell, how can I help you?"

Little Katie knew oh too well what the crying lady at the door of apartment 2J really wanted.

"Where's my son? He needs to come home. He needs his mum!"

Neither Katie nor Mrs. Knight tried to stop her as she barged through, running straight for the couch that her lifeless son laid on, head on James' shoulder as they both peacefully slept.

She then stopped, tears coming to a stop as she just watched.

An arm was securely round Logan's waist.

She couldn't have deprived the boy from James without him knowing if she tried. It didn't look like anyone could.

James had never shown anything like this before.

James, even in sleep form, look like he was ready to pounce at the first thing that even laid it's shadow upon Logan.

He was more than safe.

She left shortly after, James waking up in time to thank his lucky stars that whatever he'd done to convince her to let him stay had happened.

That's when a guy walked on into the Palm Woods, his hair short and a lovely fluffy chocolate, his skin as pale as and his big brown eyes had you at melting point.

It was Logan.

James rarely watched the boy, catching him when he laughed at a joke, blushed at a compliment or just sat there beaming, happy.

Just, being human.

It was what James actually (and he wasn't ashamed to admit it) missed in the real Logan.

James had always cared for him, but the proud James had not had the guts to tell him when he'd had the chance.

He'd left it to late.

After finally listening to Kendall and taking his advice, he'd landed a date with this new guy.

James had honestly felt bad leaving Logan but Kendall had personally promised to look after Logan with Carlos and Carlos alone.

Not even Camille.

"Hey, you ready for our date?"

The guy smiled from the reception lounge, his arm casually slung over the seat.

If he squinted real hard, he could actually see the old Logan.

"James Diamond, born to be ready. Yeah I'm ready."

James expected a roll of the eyes or a sarcastic comment, but instead, he got a slap to the butt.

And a squeal did not make the hand move.

"Then let's go gorgeous."

Dinner was just as bad, the food should gave been nice but the view had put him off a bit.

There the guy sat, spitting mouthfuls of food everywhere as he went on about some floozy he'd had a couple of nights before.

This was not Logan.

The movie was worse.

James actually wanted to watch the romantic crap.

Judging by the stories, tasting hooker and weed had not been one of his intentions. He had to give him ten out of ten though, the guy did try.

That was not Logan at all.

The panicky Kendall calling him up had a wave of relief and panic running through his veins though.

"What's up?" He breathed, pointing at his cell phone as he left the guy to bother someone else.

"Logan won't take his goddamn pills! I even put it in his dinner!"

"He's not a dog Kendall!" James snarled, nearly snapping the phone in two.

Wasn't Kendall supposed to be the smart one?

"Then you come and do it smart ass."

And that smart ass did just that, as soon as he entered the apartment, Logan stopped pushing Carlos away.

It was the most they'd seen Logan do in ages.

Logan quite happily took the pill when James gave it to him.

No putting it in food, no forcing it down his throat. Logan just took it from him.

Days went on, James refusing to talk to this now named Greg guy.

He wasn't what he was looking for.

He wasn't Logan.

James went back to spending all his time with Logan.

It was a routine he'd grown so accustomed to.

A lot of his homework was done for him though. Logan just took it, a sly, dry comment from James not even bringing back a memory good enough to smile for.

"Do you even know who I am anymore?" James finally asked when they were alone at the dining table one day.

Logan was head deep in both home works.

Honestly, Logan did twitch at the question. He didn't answer but it made him react.

"Because I remember. And as much as the others think you can't hear us anymore, I know you can. I know you remember who you were."

James' aloud thoughts came to an end as a paper was turned over, the neat scribble that was Logan's handwriting making a paragraph of some kind.

James took it as soon as.

James could actually hear Logan's voice in his words.

'That part of me never existed. It was there to hide my past. The times we all had were real, they just didn't involve who you think you knew. I like being this way, I don't think long enough to feel.'

Even in letter form, hearing Logan again meant the world.

"That's who you were meant to be. That's you Logan. That's the guy we all love and miss. You're not going to get hurt again Logan."

And Logan was gone again, that little twinkle in his eye disappearing as he looked down at his sheet again.

"Don't do that Logan! See! Your annoying me like old times! You are still you!"

Logan didn't respond, his zombie like features returning as he dragged his pen along the page to make dry, empty words.

"I've given up my life for you Logan! You know I have! Stop being a jerk and make everyone's life a little bit easier and just be you! Pay me back for all that I've done for you!"

Logan didn't even react this time, didn't even look up from his paper and that was irritating, that had James having to use will power.

"Don't be a prick! Put the book down and look at me!"

James was at the point of seeing red now so honestly, he couldn't see the fear that flickered through Logan.

"I said"- James growled, tearing the book from him and getting up to go round and get in his face.- "Look at me."

Logan did just that, unable to hide the fear that was in his eyes.

There was no way he could hide that.

James didn't see it.

He didn't see the Logan he remembered.

Instead he continued to frighten this guy in front of him.

As far as James was concerned, this guy was just using Logan's body now.

"I look after you, I make sure you eat, drink, bathe, what else do you want? Why can't you just do me a favour for once?"

And Logan in return was looking at his babysitter, unable to breath anymore as James continued to get uncomfortable closer.

He'd been proven right, the babysitter being that way had been his fault.

And when their lips met, James stopped, his body visibly relaxing as he stayed where he was.

His lips on Logan's trembling, cold ones.

"Why can't you stop living in the pass and see everyone cares. That I care. I love you Logan."

As James stopped to take a breather, because spilling your heart out seems to have that kind of affect, he watched as their lips just stayed there.

Logan wasn't even reacting to the kiss.

James snapped then.

He pulled him in, forcing their lips to meet more roughly, it didn't matter that Logan wasn't kissing back.

"I'll show you Logan. What your missing. What I want you back for. I can't look at anyone anymore Logan. I can't leave the house without worrying about you."

James' hands wondered when Logan didn't fight back, his lips still to Logan's as he reached his jean zip.

Logan just sat there, breath laboured as James reached into his jeans and started to palm him through his underwear.

He didn't even flinch. James kissed him again, keeping his hand busy.

When growing bored of getting no reaction, he pulled the boy forward, placing his hands firmly to his butt before picking him up.

"I want you to be happy Logie, I promise you you'll be happy again."

The lump in Logan's throat grew, any words were literally beyond what had been impossible before.

He just found himself placing his arms around James to stop himself from falling as James made his way into their shared room.

James' kiss wasn't mean anymore, it was loving, caring.

So much emotion that Logan didn't think James could have.

Logan hadn't kissed back but somehow, the kiss was still happening.

James threw Logan to the bed, shutting the door behind him.

That scared Logan.

He was showing more feeling than he had for a while.

His eyes watched James, almost pleading as he tore his jeans and pants from him.

Humiliation is a horrible thing. Logan can say.

The single tear that escaped had only come and gone.

James didn't even get to see it.

He didn't realise his first physical emotion in months had just taken place.

James was to fixed on what he was looking at, eyes dark with lust as he lent up to brush their lips together.

"You're beautiful Logie. I hate what he did to you, I'd kill him if he even came near you again. You have me, I promise it won't happen again."

And when James started to stroke him hard, Logan couldn't help but think for just one second that this is exactly what James was trying to prevent.

For some reason though, Logan knew he would've had the power if he really wanted it to stop. He just watched James, tried to convince himself it was just James.

Maybe that it would always just be James.

His best friend had him at the most vulnerable time, doing the most venerable thing.

But Logan didn't think of his past, he tried not to think at all.

When getting him hard, James brushed a finger alongside the bottom of his cock.

Logan would be lying if he said he didn't move up into that a little.

Or that he didn't move away when James engulfed him entirely.

His mouth did fall open as James started to lick him base to tip.

He did have to fight off a moan for a second or two when James continued to work his way around Logan's large organ.

"You taste amazing Logan." James breathed, after pulling away with a sloppy pop and licking the excess from his lips.

Logan did look at James, tried to show anything but nothing. He couldn't though and he knew that was annoying and upsetting James because he could feel James' grip tighten on his thy.

This must have been just as humiliating for him.

James got off the bed, looking as if he was about to leave but instead he went to his bedside cabinet, found a small container and made his way back over.

Logan watched as James stood at the foot of the bed, stripping completely.

He crawled back onto the bed, picking up the tube as he made his way for Logan's lips again.

"I love you so much." He whispered, kissing him again as he slid his hand down to grip the bottom of his shirt.

He managed to get it off the lifeless Logan, kissing at his chest.

"How can someone so perfect not believe it's true?"

Logan did blush a little, refused to look at James but did blush.

He was actually starting to get butterflies. His body was coming to life again and he could safely say this time, after a good rest, he was feeling love, security and happiness.

He wasn't perfect but if James thought so, he'd learn to love being him.

"I want to make you mine." James whispered, kissing his heart once before sitting up again.

"I want to be the one who has the responsibility of not hurting you. I promise I won't misuse you."

Before Logan could even think of such a perfect idea, the bottle was opened and a slick finger was pushing itself into him.

Honestly, it hurt.

It did make Logan try to pull away, it did make him hate James a little when he forced him to stay where he was.

"Good boy."

The second finger was just uncomfortable, it stung a little but it was mostly uncomfortable. Logan did try to pull away a few more times but James continued to make him stay.

When the fingers left him though, he did start to miss it.

He did start to wish James had stayed as he was.

But when James picked him up and moved into a comfortable sitting position, he started to panic a little.

Surely he wasn't going to.

Nevertheless, James encouraged him to wrap his legs around his waist, planting sweet kisses to his neck as he urged them along.

James moved Logan so he could be at his entrance, brushing the tight muscle with his lube covered dick was magic for James.

He finally started to lower Logan, seating him properly.

Logan did whimper this time, falling into James chest as he tried to fight off the urge to cry.

It hurt so fucking much.

James didn't hear it though, he was to busy thinking about how he actually had Logan, right there.

When Logan was officially seated, James wrapped his arms around the fragile boy, kissing his temple as he tried to worry about Logan's need for adjusting.

"Your all mine ok?"

The words hit Logan pretty hard, had tears prickling at the corner of his eyes as the past made itself present.

It was James, it would always been James.

That's the only thing that kept Logan from breaking down again this time.

James started to lift Logan, moaning slightly as his walls held onto James.

When nearly out, he slammed him back down.

James' high pitched moans blocked out the cry that left Logan.

It actually, seriously fucking hurt!

James continued, Logan trying to think about the friction his own dick was receiving as he bit back moans.

Suddenly, Logan stopped, mouth gaping open in pure bliss as he slammed himself down this time.

James knew what he had hit.

He angled himself, bringing Logan's face up to kiss him as they both helped each other out now.

It weren't long before both boys were meeting their release. James coming first with a shout of his name and Logan coming shortly after with a shudder.

When it was over and all that was left was their laboured breathing, reality hit James and he realised what he'd actually just done.

He pulled out of Logan quick, watching as the flushed boy looked up at him through misinterpreted sad eyes.

And that's when James saw the blood and panicked.

"Oh my god! Logan! I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!"

That babysitter couldn't have hurt Logan because James had just done it for him.

He'd just done the one thing he had been trying to save Logan from.

He'd hurt, humiliated and more than likely traumatised his innocent, delicate friend.

He ran to the bathroom, taking as much tissue as his frantic hands would let him before running back into the bedroom.

He wiped the the blood from him, put the duvet up over him and crawled on the bed to hold and protect him.

But he couldn't protect him from himself.

He broke down into tears, holding the still motionless Logan to his chest as he tried to speak.

"L-Logan... Oh my god... Please don't hate me, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I just want you. I can't live like this. It's killing me and now I've hurt you so bad. I'm the worst kind of human being. Kendall was right, I do need to grow the fuck up and learn to except you're who you are now. I can't except you in pain but I insist on inflicting it. I-I'm a monster!"

Logan's heart stopped for a second, he looked up at his distraught friend as he continued to cry.

Had James really spent that much time trying to get him back?

Had he really not noticed James wasting his life for him?

"I love you too James. You're not a monster, your my nurse, my protector, my...lover."

James froze, tears coming to a stop as Logan pulled himself free from James' grasp and wiped his tears away for him.

Logan was starting to cry himself.

James couldn't quite believe what had just happened.

Had the impossible really just happened?

"Logan?"

"All me buddy, all me. Don't grow up without me, I want you too."

And being the pathetic person he was, James burst into tears again.

Happy tears this time.

"Logan! Oh Logan... You don't know how good it is to hear your voice again. I've waited so long to hear your voice again."

Logan laughed. "And it's all for you."

"Of course. James Diamond has the magic touch."

Logan rolled his eyes.

Absolute magic.

"Nothing can stop me just wanting you Logan. Your past, present and future comes as part of that, please remember that."

"I will keep it in mind." Logan grinned, moving in to kiss James.

It was so much better when Logan actually kissed back.

When hearing the front door open, Logan pulled away, going straight for covering James with the duvet that had been forced upon him earlier.

"Hey Ja-"

The other two members of the band stood at the door way of the bedroom, door hitting the wall with a little force.

"James, you didn't." Kendall actually looked panicky.

"Oh but he did." Logan smirked, knowing Kendall would've probably of gone for James if he hadn't of spoken up.

"Logie! You're speaking again!" Carlos squealed, running over to hug his friend.

"Uh... How?" Kendall stood, still frozen with shock.

"I have someone who has faith in me." Logan smiled, hugging Carlos.

He looked at the smiling James, "I've always had someone who's had faith in me."

The ending craped out on me. I didn´t know whether or not to make the last bit italics or not. If you couldn't already tell, I did :L.

I was going to make it so unbelievable sad but I decided my heart isn't that cold.

And I'm not a good enough writer to not feel sorry for them. I mean, c'mon! They are hot :|!

Thanks for reading and I HOPE to hear some feedback. Thank you.

-C.