Guilt
Author: DelphieKat
Rating: PG
Classification: Drama/angst
Spoilers: Nothing specific, although Mattie and Sturgis are present
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own these characters, they belong to DPB, etc…
Summary: Harm and Mac enjoy a nice spring day when a mishap happens…
Author's Notes: I have to say that I feel a little selfish about posting this story. I really wrote it to free myself from a heavy weight, but I also hope that you'll enjoy it too…
By the way, a personal watercraft (PWC) is what many people call a Sea-Doo (even though the latter is a trademark). Technically, it's not a Jet Ski (another trademark), because in a PWC, you spend most of your ride sitting down comfortably; but in a Jet Ski, you need all your skills to keep your balance to stay up…
2318 ZULU
Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
"But… What have I done!" I cried out, tears flowing on my cheeks, still clutching the phone with my right hand, before slumping to the floor of the waiting room in the military hospital…
1852 ZULU
Annapolis, Maryland
The day was gorgeous. Only a few scattered white clouds were visible in the azure sky and the temperature was way above normal for this Saturday morning in May. Harm and Sturgis had succeeded in convincing me to join them to visit an old friend of theirs who was working near the Academy. Matthew Lambert, a long-time Annapolis colleague, had offered to let the two sailors enjoy the nice weather by lending them his personal watercrafts. Harm had offered to let me ride with him on the first PWC while Sturgis and Matthew took the other one.
I never thought that Harm could be as much at ease with this kind of engine as he was when he flew his Stearman. As a warm-up, he started with a few figure-8-manoeuvres, making sure to dive in his own wave at every passage, not even avoiding the waterspouts that were soaking us from head to toe, while I was furiously trying to hold to the strap on the backseat. I was attempting to counter the inclination of the craft to help stabilise it, but it was almost impossible because of his quick movements. Suddenly, he seemed a little bored with his figures, so he started turning round and round, always faster, reducing quickly the diameter of his loops before switching direction. The plastic strap was digging deeply in the flesh of my palms and my knuckles were whites from the strength I used to avoid being ejected from the watercraft. Harm regularly turned around to face me, his famous Flyboy smile brighter than the sun, asking me silently to trust him. The moment my hands were going to let go, incapable of holding on to the strap anymore, he stopped, leaving the wave catching us from behind to rock us smoothly. That's when I noticed that he had unfastened the contact key from his lifejacket to hand it to me. "Your want to try?"
I accepted – my liking of adventure winning over my shyness to drive in front of him. While keeping our balance, we carefully switched places so that I could manoeuvre. As I was checking the dash, I felt his hands taking a hold on my waist, just below my lifejacket. The touch was soft and reassuring, knowing that he leaned on me to keep his balance. Already aware of the power of the craft, I started with a simple straight line at a relatively high speed before turning around a signalling buoy. I barely started turning when I felt a weird strength pulling me back. Harm's hands were now strongly holding my sides and despite my desperate attempts to clutch to the PWC's handles, I could feel my fingers letting go, one by one, and I was ejected from the craft.
How long did the flight last? How many times did I roll in the water? I couldn't say; the time had stopped. Once above the waterline, reality hit me immediately and Marine mode finally kicked in. First: did the contact key unfasten itself from the ignition during the fall, as it's supposed to do? After a few attempts, I found it still attached to my lifejacket, intact. Hence, the craft's motor had stopped and our way back to the shore was still not too far. That's when I noticed that Harm was not beside me anymore. "Harm, are you okay?" I just hoped my intonation didn't betray how worried I was. I heard his answer only after a few seconds that seemed an eternity.
"No," he groaned. That's when I finally saw him, several feet behind me, grimacing from the pain, sustaining his right leg. I cursed to myself for not checking on him before, even though I already cared more for him than for me. I asked him if he thought that he could reach the PWC. I wasn't sure if I would be better to reach the craft first to bring it up to him, or if I should go to him first to help, even though I knew he was floating safely with his lifejacket.
"I don't really have any other choice," he sighed, flipping on his back to swim towards the watercraft using his strong arms, keeping his leg afloat, to minimise its movements.
The drive back to the shore was on the cruise control. Hopefully, training helped me to avoid the shallow water zones and to face the waves in a way that minimised the impact on the watercraft, lessening the counterblow. I remembered only vaguely where the dock was, but I noticed the high steeple nearby. Once docked, I helped Harm climb down from the engine, unaware of the strain required to sustain a man of his height, and I dragged him up to the bench, a hundred feet away. As soon as I saw Sturgis and Matthew coming back, I ran towards the car to get the first aid kit I knew Harm always kept in the trunk. On my way back, I saw Matthew taking his cell phone out of his pocket, but Harm stopped him. Both men discussed the importance of calling the medics, but Harm didn't want to hear about the local hospital. He wanted to go to Bethesda, because he already had a medical chart there. Stubborn as he was, Sturgis and I helped him to climb into his SUV and I took my place behind the wheel.
Sturgis had just had a sleepless night, preparing his closing argument for the next Monday's court-martial, hoping to free his whole weekend, and the devil mix of sun and tiredness hit him. From the corner of my eye, I could see his heavy eyelids falling down, but I was much more worried about the grimaces Harm was trying to hide, both his legs outstretched on the backseat. The ice on his calf didn't succeed in alleviating the pain, and his silence was a lot more eloquent than any complaint. I've never driven those 43 miles between Annapolis and Bethesda that fast. Despite the dense traffic on the Beltway, it took 30 minutes less than usual to reach the hospital.
2139 ZULU
Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
Near the emergency entrance, Sturgis helped Harm out of the car to take a seat in a wheelchair before I could park the car at the other end of the parking. When I came back, Harm had already told the triage nurse what had happened and he was waiting for a doctor to call him, which hadn't been long. As Harm was disappearing into the exam room, Sturgis slumped in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs in the waiting room, while I was pacing the hallway, unable to stop for a second.
Harm had insisted on calling Mattie himself, to make sure she wouldn't worry. He knew that if anybody else called her to tell her that her guardian was hurt, it would remind her too much of the accident that had cost the life of her mother. For over an hour, I wore out my soles on the white floor of the waiting room, my legs refusing systematically to let me sit down. I couldn't believe that Sturgis was able to sleep without knowing exactly how badly Harm was hurt, but the tiredness had won over him. Despite my anxiety, I couldn't resolve myself to wake him up to reassure me. Even though he was a great friend for me, I preferred to face it alone. After many hesitations, I finally reached the public phone in a shaded corner of the room. I felt the sting of hardly controlled tears when I realised that the number I had dialled, out of habit, was Harm's. He was the one I used to call when there was something wrong, but what was I supposed to do, now that he was the one in trouble? After a few deep breaths, I was calm enough to call Bud and Harriet, to tell them what happened. When I was telling them how the events took place exactly, it finally dawned on me. I realised that one movement, on the tiny edge between temerity and recklessness, had jeopardised my best friend's capacity to fly. His dream, his whole life could have just ended. The tears that I had been carefully keeping at bay up to now started flowing on my cheeks, to Harriet's disarray because she didn't know what to say to comfort me.
Still clutching to the receiver as to a lifeline, I heard Mattie's high-pitched voice as she arrived through the emergency door. I vaguely remember mumbling a few words to Harriet, saying that she didn't need to show up at the hospital, but I don't know how I placed the receiver back in its cradle. I tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks not to worry Mattie, and I faced the teen, who threw herself in my arms. The gates broke once again and we cried together for several minutes before she could speak. "How is Harm? He told me he had an accident… Is he still conscious? Is he going to be all right?"
I leaded Mattie towards the row of plastic chairs to explain her what happened. She was still talking to me, but I couldn't figure out what she was saying. "Fortunately, you were there for him."
"There for what???" I answered, furious. I was the one who hurt him. I could have killed him if we have been a little closer to the buoy. If I hadn't been there, he would have never been injured and we wouldn't be at the hospital, hoping for his leg not to be broken in several places, preventing him from doing what he loves the most. While I was lost in my dark scenarios, a nurse came to get Mattie, to bring her to Harm's exam room. In the waiting room, everything was now back to silence, the few patients either absorbed in their reading or sleeping like Sturgis. My legs were refusing to obey anymore – my calves were burning like hell and my thighs were hard like rock from the effort it required to haul Harm on the watercraft and to help him step down. I was trying to bring some blood to my right foot when I heard my name.
Harm was next to me, sitting in a wheelchair, his right leg wrapped in an elastic bandage. He was staring at me with a worried look in his expressive eyes, and his hand was resting on my forearm. Mattie was standing behind him, relieved, and Sturgis was finally awake. He'd been the first to ask how Mattie came to the hospital. She turned pale before saying that she had driven the Corvette. Harm took the keys from her hands and looked at her with more concern that anger in his eyes. He threw the keys at Sturgis. "Would you please escort Miss Grace home? Her learner's license still doesn't allow her to drive alone. I'll go with Mac, since my SUV is certainly more comfortable than the 'Vette." Suddenly brought back to reality, I took command of the wheelchair to drive Harm up to the car. After helping him to sit comfortably in front (he didn't want to hear anything about sitting in the back), I took place behind the wheel and I hit the road towards his apartment without a word. A couple streets further, I finally broke the silence with a whisper. "I'm sorry, Harm."
"Shhhhhh…" he soothed me. "Mac, what happened is as much my fault as yours. I tempted the devil by doing those risky manoeuvres, and you ejected us during a simple tacking. Things like that happen. My leg is not even broken, so I should be able to walk within two weeks."
"You're right, but your quals should be done next week on the Patrick Henry," I reminded him, cursing my mishap. "You might lose you flying license because of me."
"Mac, I have a serious bruise on the tibial anterior, that's it," he tried to reassure me. "The physician told me that it shouldn't even leave any after-effects. I'll meet the flight-surgeon in 15 days to make sure it won't have any impact on my flying capacity, and I can always do my quals next month."
The remaining of the drive took place in silence – even the radio was turned off. I was trying to keep my eyes glued to the road, even though I could see Harm's head leaning more and more on the window because of the painkillers he received at the hospital. Once in front of his apartment, I stepped out to help him to climb down from the car, realising suddenly that he didn't have any crutches. The only safe way to help him was to rotate him on his seat so that his legs were freely hanging outside and to place my arms under his to lift him while he was holding on to me by entwining his hands behind my neck. Once standing, we were both embracing each other, totally mute, unable to tell, despite his injury, who was supporting who. Nobody wanted to let go to close the door, either. Finally, the adrenaline that had been helping me to keep up from the beginning just disappeared and I broke down, letting my head falling heavily on his chest, unable to keep my tears at bay anymore. He held me tight in his arms without a word, and when my sobs slowed down, he tilted my head softly with his hand to make sure that I looked right in his eyes. Then he brushed a feather light kiss on my lips before saying "Thank you." I couldn't even reply as he continued. "Thanks for being there today, Mac. Thanks for bringing me back safely, thanks for being a rock for me and thanks for still being here. Thank you."
He held me tight once again in his strong arms before dropping two tender kisses on my forehead and in my hair. Then, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I placed my hand on his hip to sustain him efficiently for the few steps to his apartment, to join Mattie and Sturgis.
Fin
Notes: Okay, Okay, I know this is cruel to end the story there, but I was really incapable to follow through. Sorry. When I said this story was very personal, it's because it's something that really happened when I was on a PWC with my best friend. I stuck to reality as much as possible, only transposing the story to our favourite heroes. The only thing I had to make up was the end. With this, I prefer to leave you wondering what might happen next, I'm sure your imagination can fill the blanks. Thanks for your comprehension! And feedback is always welcome!