Harry's Diary
Monday 20th May 2019
-8.19am
"Daddy?"
"Yes darling?" Oh god, as much as am glad 7 year old daughter is an inquisitive little thing, really don't have time for her questions this morning of all mornings. Assuming of course that question she's about to pose will be the sort only under 10s can come up with, i.e. horrendously outrageous, un-mainstream and complicated and therefore impossible to answer, but also with a rather good point and really rather intelligent in a key stage 2 sort of way, therefore impossible to just dismiss. Which it will be, of course. Her questions always are.
"So where exactly is it in Wales that we're going?"
Phew. For Josi, is relatively uncomplicated question, thankfully. Maybe won't need to distract her from her muesli for too long and risk making us all late setting off after all.
"Tresaith."
"Where?" Hehe she looks ridiculously puzzled and confused, have finally caught her out. Either that or Welsh pronunciation is not so hot.
"Tresaith, Josi, it's on the coast, remember? Nice sandy beach with dolphins…"
"Dolphins?" Ohhh have her attention now; can tell from way eyes are lighting up. Note to self: add mention of cute animals to list of ways to get a seven year old's attention quickly and easily. Actually, mentions of animals in general, Josi is rather accepting of scary looking monstrosities with sharp teeth. Except sharks. Sharks are a no go.
"Yep, sometimes you can see dolphins in the distance on the beach if you look really, really carefully. That'll be fun, won't it? We'll take my binoculars with us and we can see If we can spot some dolphins!"
"Ohhh that sounds fun! Daddy?"
"Yep?"
"What type of dolphins? Are they common dolphins, or bottlenose dolphins, or Atlantic spotted dolphins, or Irrawaddy dolphins, or Chinese river dolphins, or…"
Why, oh why, did Nikki and I buy her a David Attenborough box set for Christmas?
"Erm, not entirely sure to be honest with you darling, we'll find out later, OK? You can borrow Mummy's phone and look it up in the car on the way there."
"Oh she can, can she?"
Damn, didn't realise Nikki was in earshot. Oops.
"You'll lend Josi your phone to google types of dolphin found in Tresaith on the way up there, won't you?"
Nikki now looking strangely reluctant, how odd. Actually, might know why, will deny all knowledge and feign innocence if questioned. Was NOT my fault.
"Maybe, Josi. If you promise to get a move on and be ready by the time your Nana gets here, OK? And you promise not to scroll through pages and pages of dolphin photos and get carried away again. That phone bill was ridiculous."
Ah, she does remember. Though judging by her tone, still don't think she blames Joycelin for humongous dolphin-googling triggered phone bill, instead blames father of over-excited dolphin googler for failing to explain that internet browsing on a smart phone costs an arm and a leg. Especially when done continuously for an hour and a half stuck in huge traffic jam on way out of Ikea. Oops.
"But Mummy, that wasn't my fault!" Aww love her sweet, innocent, 'it-wasn't-me' voice, cutest thing ever. Even when use of it is not exactly working in my favour.
"That's irrelevant Josi, because if you don't get a move on we're all still going to be in our pyjamas when your Nana gets here, and then we'll be late, and then we'll get stuck in a massive tailback on the M4. That wouldn't be much fun, would it?"
"Daddy, what's a back tail? I don't know what one is."
"A tailback?" She really does make me laugh sometimes, often difficult to keep a straight face when she asks this sort of question and gets the name of the thing she's asking about ever-so-slightly wrong. Is very cute. And a little hilarious.
"That's what I meant. Daddy, what is one?"
"It basically means a big traffic jam, Josi, a big traffic jam on a main road that causes horrible delays. We don't want to be caught in one of those, do we? Then we'd be stuck in the car for hours."
Is screwing up her face now, can tell the idea isn't exactly appealing. "I suppose not. Mummy? How long does it take to get to Treesafe?"
Ohhh good, is quizzing Nikki now rather than me, gives me time to go and frantically stuff clothes into suitcase before Nikki realises have left it until last possible moment. Perfect.
-8.47am
Phew, clothes stuffed into suitcase with minutes to spare, Nikki will never know about last minute panic packing. Not my fault didn't do it sooner, of course, i.e. last night. Hate packing, waste of time. Why spend hours debating over which pair of jeans to take with you to go with which t shirts when can just shove random combinations into suitcase minutes before due to leave? Discovering which clothes have brought with you for the first time after arriving at holiday destination is all part of the fun. Although Nikki and Josi don't seem to think so. Funny that.
"Harry?" Uh oh, Nikki sounds stressed, must have forgotten to do something. Or pack something. Or has lost something last minute, is all part of Cunningham family pre-holiday panic. Bit of a nightmare in the heat of the moment but bound to be laughed about later in the car on the way up to Wales. Bizarrely, is one of things love the most about having a family. My family.
"Yes, my love?" Ah, looks stressed too, is definitely in pre-holiday panic mode.
"Have you seen the Sat Nav? I told your mum not to bother printing out an AA route because we'd just put the address into the Sat Nav, and now I can't find the Sat Nav!"
Ah, the Sat Nav. Damn thing seems to go missing every other week in this house, can't for the life of me work out why it's so easy to lose. Despite normally being the one who leaves it in peculiar places.
"Not recently. Any idea where you last saw it?"
"Not a clue." Is looking at watch in panicky manner, never a good sign. "Harry your mum's going to be here any minute."
"So we invite her in for a coffee and tell her we're having a slight issue locating the Sat Nav but we'll have found it and be on our way very soon."
Eyes are widening a little now, not good. Suggests is stressing self out further and not particularly comforted by boyfriend's proposed solution. She can be such a perfectionist sometimes.
"But it could take us ages to find the damn thing, by which point we'll be just in time to hit half term rush hour on the A4. And anyway, I don't want to have to admit to your mum that I'm so incompetent I didn't even think to locate the Sat Nav prior to 5 minutes before we said we were going to leave!"
Can tell she's getting seriously stressed RE location of Sat Nav now, voice has gone all Queen's English-ish. Would find it rather adorable, and just a little bit sexy, if didn't know for a fact only goes like that when she's angry or stressed. Or both at once.
"Oh Nikki come on, my mum's not going to mind, I promise you she's done her fair share of holding up family holidays in the past."
"Really?" Phew, she's smiling just a little bit now; seem to have succeeded in cheering her up. Think the problem is, she's still a little bit scared of my mum as future mother-in-law. Clearly hasn't noticed that mother worships the very ground she walks upon.
"Really. Have I never told you about Cornwall 1985?"
Ohhh she's almost grinning now, seems to have relaxed and perked up a little. "What about Cornwall 1985?"
"We got halfway out of London before she realised she'd left the road map on the kitchen table, we had to turn around and go back in rush hour. The traffic was horrendous all the way down there after that; I don't think we arrived until getting on for midnight. 14 and a half hours, the three of us stuck in the car on the M25 for most of it and Dad insisted on Radio 2. It was hell on Earth."
Hehe, love the sound of her giggle so damn much. Sounds all soft and delicate like tiny bells ringing, makes whole face light up with happiness and features relaxed and fragile yet even more beautiful. Will love her until the end of time.
-8.58am
Crisis prevented: Sat Nav located in glove compartment of car ( why didn't think to look there earlier, preferably first, is beyond me ) and doorbell has only just rung, so whole minor panic over well in advance. Now just need to work out how on earth am going to fit Mum's suitcase into back of car, round up Josi and attempt to get family into car and on way to Wales for half term holiday. Which, knowing Nikki and Josi's tendency to faff and Mum's tendency to double check and triple check and quadruple check contents of wash bag, will be easier said than done.
-8.59am
"Hi Mum!"
"Hi darling!" Ohhh mother sounds remarkably chirpy for 9 in the morning; since retirement hasn't really been a morning person. Personally, blame all the lie ins that come hand in hand with not having to get up at crack of dawn. The crack of dawn in Mum's case being before 9.30am. "All ready to go, then?"
"Nana!"
"Morning, Josi! Are you excited?"
"About going to Wales? I'm really excited; Daddy says there might be dolphins out in the sea if we look really, really carefully!"
"Really, dolphins? Are you sure about that?" Mum looking at me sceptically now, apparently has no faith in googling abilities of only son. Then again, has no faith in google, so perhaps shouldn't take too personally. Took me a shocking 14 years to convince her to invest in Broadband.
"Yep, definite, aren't we Josi? It says so in the brochure."
"There are dolphins there Nana, there are! We're not sure what sort of dolphins though, I'm going to google it in the car on the way there. But they'll be salt water dolphins because they live in the… the… the something Sea near Wales, so they'll either be bottle nosed dolphins or Commerson's dolphins or Indo-pacific Humpback dolphins or Hourglass dolphins or…"
Am sure a memory that good aged seven can't be normal, even if remarkable brainpower only applies to learning dolphin breeds and bones of the human body. All 206 of them.
-9.15am
Really should be in the car on the way to Tresaith for week of sun, sea and pouring rain by now, but curled up on sofa with daughter, cuddling Nikki and catching up with Mum; perfect. Far too comfortable and content to move right now. Surely another 5 minutes sat here would be OK?
Yep, definitely. Another 5 minutes and then will suggest we all get a move on.
-9.43am
Shit!
"Right, come on, we really do need to get going now! We said we were going to leave almost 45 minutes ago!"
"What?!" Uh oh, Nikki looks almost as panicked as I feel, not good; don't want her stressing herself out before we even arrive in Tresaith holiday cottage thingy. "Oh god, how did we lose track of time so badly? We're going to hit the peak-time half term holiday traffic now, the journey's going to be hell!"
"We're only an hour later Mummy, is that really going to make much difference? We can always stop at that nice service station on the A4 we went to on the way to the Doctor Who exhibition if it's really horrible."
Wow, for a seven year old she's surprisingly good at offering comfort and reassurance. Should be a counsellor when she grows up. Or a pathologist. Pathologists seem to do fair share of comforting and reassuring when dealing with relatives of the 'clients', as now have to call them in front of Josi.
"Good idea, Josi. See, it'll be fine, worst case scenario we can have lunch in the nice service station with the Marks and Spencer's Simply Food and the sheep field round the back. It'll be fine."
-9.54am
Thank god for that, have finally succeeded in wedging Mum's suitcase into boot of car along with Nikki's numerous pairs of shoes. Anyone would think we were going away for a month. Thankfully, almost ready to leave now, just need to round up family. And attempt to get them all out of the front door at the same time.
"Josi! Come on darling, we're leaving now, go and get your rucksack now please."
Oh god.
"No Josi, no, we agreed one cuddly toy only remember? We're going to be pretty cramped in the car as it is with all four of us and the ridiculous amount of stuff your nana's bringing, we really haven't got space for a herd of cuddly toys."
"But Daddy, it's only one extra! And he's only small! I can't leave Ollie the elephant at home because I… because I've had him since I was little and he might think I've abandoned him! And he always comes on holiday with me. But I can't leave Aleksandr the Meerkat because he's new and he might get scared if I leave him all by himself in an empty house for the week."
Ohhh Nikki just appeared in hallway, have reinforcements. She's practically an expert at humouring daughter and coming to reasonable agreement in these sorts of situation.
"But Josi, you're not bringing any of your other cuddly toys with you, are you? So they'll all be here to keep Aleksandr company and look after him."
Fantastic argument from Nikki, is almost certainly genius. No way can Josi argue with that one.
"But Compare the Market only gave Daddy Aleksandr last week, so he might not have made many friends yet."
I take it back.
"But look Mummy, Daddy, he's not very big! Ollie fits in my rucksack and so Aleksandr can just sit in the middle of the back seat between Mummy and me. Simples."
I give up, can't be bothered to get into a journey-start-delaying argument for the sake of a stuffed toy meerkat. And judging by look on Nikki's face, she can't either.
"OK. OK Josi, you can bring both of them if you really must. But only Ollie and the meerkat, we're not having anymore. Promise?"
"I promise. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now go and get in the car before we change our minds."
-10.04am
Finally, over an hour behind schedule, have managed to herd whole Cunningham family into car ready to leave. Which, given are only 4 of us, is rather pathetic. Really do need to work on family timekeeping, is not the first time. I blame Nikki. Is always without fail late for pretty much anything, and don't remember Cunningham family ever being quite this slow before she became girlfriend and love of life.
Wouldn't change her for the world, though. Is everything to me, late for everything or not.
-10.05am
Ah, not leaving just yet. Has been a slight technical hitch, i.e. Nikki can't persuade Sat Nav that postcode have entered into it is real place. This doesn't bode well.
-10.06am
Sat Nav still not willing to accept postcode of cottage are renting for the week actually exists. Stupid thing. Technology is getting far too clever for its own good, can't even live up to its own standards half the time. Tempted to dig UK A-Z out of boot of car, appoint Nikki as navigator from the backseat and do it the old fashioned way. Will not be using Mum, despite her being in passenger seat and therefore possibly the more logical option. Not after the Cunningham family legend that is the Lake District 1987.
-10.08am
Problem solved. Sat Nav is not an idiot as previously thought, Nikki just couldn't read Mum's appalling handwriting and mistook a G for a 9. Correct address now entered into Sat Nav and finally on our way.
-10.13am
"Mummy?"
"Hmm?"
"How long will it take to get to get to Tresaith?"
Ah, the million dollar question. Words cannot express how grateful I am that question is being posed to Nikki, not me.
"Well we're not entirely sure, Josi. According to the Sat Nav about five hours, but you have to remember that it's the first day of half term and so we're probably going to hit the holiday traffic."
"So it might be longer?"
"It might be, yes. But we'll get there eventually, don't worry."
"Will we get there before midnight?"
"Well given that it's only ten o'clock now, I hope so!"
"But will we? Because hoping for something and something being true isn't always the same thing. That's what my ballet teacher told us all when Olivia asked her if her ex-husband would ever fall in love with her again."
Love being a parent so, so much, really do. Some of the things daughter comes out with are just adorable. And child's take on adult world is rather refreshing and thought-provoking at times.
"Did she? Oh… well love is very complicated Josi, much more complicated than long car journeys. I promise we'll get there before midnight, OK?"
"OK then. Mummy?"
"Yes?"
"Are you and Daddy ever going to have a big fight and not make up again and not fall in love with each other again like Miss Michelle and her husband did?"
Awwwwwww, bless her.
"Josi? I promise you, as your Nana, that if ever your mum and dad even think about doing that I'll push them back together and lock them in the Lyell Centre until they change their minds. OK? That's never, ever going to happen, your mum and dad love each other far too much for that."
That could quite possibly be sweetest thing mother has ever said about me. Am rather touched.
-10.58am
Nikki was right about the half-term holiday rush hour, as much as it pains me to say it. Have barely been on the M4 five minutes and already are stuck in huge great traffic jam stretching miles into the distance. Brilliant.
"Well this is fun."
Why is it that seven year old daughter is perfectly capable of entertaining self and not moaning at prospect of being stuck in traffic sandwich for the foreseeable future, and yet seventy-something year old mother is not?
"Yep, yes it is Mum. But it's not my fault." Am not letting her blame the driver on this one, is not driver's fault every other family in London has decided to venture off on holiday to various different locations off the M4. Can't people come up with more original half-term holiday destinations? Preferably involving the M25 or the M1 instead of the bloody congested M4.
"I never said it was, Harry, I simply said this isn't much fun, stuck in a huge tailback that seems to go on forever."
Urge to respond and get on her nerves just as much as she is getting on mine is almost overwhelming, but shall resist, can see Nikki giving me the look in rear view mirror. The 'don't rise to it, remain calm' look, usually given when dealing with either insufferable Dis or Joycelin's PE teacher. Love that look, strangely calming in a weird sort of way. And beautiful. Then again, she always looks beautiful.
Ohhh just had rather brilliant idea. Will certainly keep the peace.
"Tell you what, why don't we have a family game of I spy? I spy with my little eye…"
Ohhh gosh, really didn't think this through, no idea what to choose. "…umm… something beginning with C."
"Car?" Damn, Nikki is quick.
"Yep, alright! Your turn."
"OK… I spy with my little eye, something beginning with M."
"Umm… motorway?"
"Yep, it was motorway, Josi's go then."
"Can I give my go to Aleksandr?"
"Aleksandr?" Mum looks rather baffled.
"Yes, I am Aleksandr, Russian Meerkat, founder of compare da . I come to holiday with Cunningham family to Vales. I have go at I spy now?"
Not sure how long am going to be able to maintain straight face if Josi continues to put on Russian Meerkat accent. Sounds a little bit Russian, a little bit German and incredibly Afrikaans. And pretty cute and hilarious.
"Yes, OK then, Aleksandr can have a turn if he wants to."
"Thank you. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with G."
"G?" Can't see anything beginning with G; judging by looks on Mum and Nikki's faces they can't either. "Is Aleksandr sure?"
"Of course I sure. Just because I be Meerkat and I be from Russia you assume my spelling dire?"
Blimey, she's good.
"No, I'm not questioning Aleksandr's spelling, but do you want to tell Mummy what it is just to be sure it's not too difficult?"
"But then she vill no be able to guess, vill she? No, I be sure, something beginning with G."
"OK then, Aleksandr. Umm… grass?"
"Nyet."
How on earth does seven year old daughter know the Russian for 'no?' Bloody genius. Have high hopes for her in life, am sure will grow up to be just as intelligent and amazing as her Mummy. And a doctor, judging by slightly morbid fascination with major surgical procedures. Not that Nikki and I are complaining.
"OK…" Can't see anything else beginning with G anywhere, going to have to give in.
"I give up then, what is it?"
"Goat."
"Goat? I can't see any goats!"
"Well there were some goats back there, but you took so long that we've gone past them now!"
Oh the joys of playing I spy with a seven year old.
"Josi, you can't choose something that'll disappear in a matter of seconds when playing I spy on a motorway!"
"Well how else are you meant to win on your own turn?"
Mum leaning over to whisper something now, normally would object while driving but seeing as have ground to a halt again is not really relevant.
"I just love that competitive determination in her, don't you?"
Mmm. Love it. Especially when she tried to climb higher up Leo and Janet's apple tree than their daughter Jenna and in her 'competitive determination' to succeed, decided she simply had to risk going higher than was really safe, fell and dislocated her knee.
-12.01pm
"Daddy?"
"Yes Joycelin?" Know full well what this next question is going to be, and she's not going to like the answer.
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"Nope, not even close to half way yet."
"But… but Mummy said it would take about five hours, and… and its… twelve o'clock now, so we must be close to half way, because half of five hours is two and a half hours and we've been driving for two hours now, so that's almost two and a half hours!"
She's doing the obsessive maths thing again, think she must be getting bored and tired. And in need of a run around.
"I know Josi, I know, it's because the traffic's been so atrocious sweetheart. We'll stop and have a break and some lunch at the next service station, OK?"
"OK then. How far away is the next service station?"
Ah. Don't really want to tell her just went past a sign for one 2 miles away, given have been completely stationary for the last 5 minutes.
"Not sure Josi, but as soon as we see one we'll pull in there, promise. And then we can get some lunch and some fresh air before we carry on."
"OK. Will they have a Marks and Spencer's?"
Is it wrong to be smug about fact that child obesity is apparently at all-time high due to nation's junk food addiction and yet Nikki and I have seven year old who refuses to eat fast food? Possibly. Oh well.
"Not sure Josi, but we'll make sure you don't end up with a burger, OK? I promise."
"Or chicken nuggets?"
"Not those either, promise. Are chips acceptable?"
"Only if they're like the nice homemade ones Mummy does, I don't like the really thin tasteless ones."
That'll be a no then. Only slight disadvantage to Josi's fast food stance is that finding her something to eat at service stations and theme parks is a near impossible task.
-12.32pm
Finally sat in service station eating lunch (Marks and Spencer's Simply Food, thankfully, not MacDonald's ) half an hour after went past 'service station in 2 miles' sign. On a motorway. Traffic is bloody ridiculous; think the whole of London must have decided to go off to Wales for half term break. Typical.
On a brighter note, Josi much happier now has had run around service station café and Marks and Spencer's smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich. Is addicted to that stuff, must have inherited it from Nikki. Which, now think about it, is another disadvantage to having a child who refuses to eat fast food. Could probably have bought king size bucket thingy for all four of us from Burger King for price smoked salmon sandwiches and chocolate mousse.
"Ohhh Josi, look!"
Mum seems to have perked up considerably for getting out of confined space of car. Which puts her in same band as someone a tenth of her age as far as long-journey-induced restlessness goes. How I love family travelling.
"Ohhh a dog! Is it a guide dog?"
"I think so, it's got a florescent coat, hasn't it? And I don't think dogs would be allowed in here apart from guide dogs. What type of dog is it, do you think?"
"A chocolate Labrador? Can I go and play with it or is it one of those dogs you aren't allowed to play with because they're busy working?"
Hmm, sounds like Mum is coping well enough looking after Josi, might try and sneak off with Nikki for a few minutes. Will justify private kissing outside on basis am half way through hideous long car journey and will need boost before setting off again. Have so earned five minutes kissing love of life in corner of service station like a teenager.
-12.47pm
Ah, am in heaven. Have found nice quiet, secretive area of service station near sheep field and am currently holding Nikki close and kissing passionately. Tastes beautiful, of cherries and vanilla and ever-so-slightly smoked salmon-y, but don't care. Love her so much, love kissing her. Feels so right somehow. Right and perfect and meant to be.
-13.34pm
Oh brilliant. Have been back on bloody motorway all of twenty minutes and caught in horrific traffic jam again already. Think must be doomed never to arrive in Tresaith.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Josi?"
"Are there any of those Percy Pig chocolate things left?"
Ah, oops. "Umm… well…"
"Have you eaten them all already?" Nikki sounds rather amused. Didn't mean to eat them all, they were just there and smelt so good and were calling my name… mmm Percy Pig chocolate things. Not my fault, anyway, is fault of family for allowing me to hold onto them. Surely they knew would just eat them all?
"Well… maybe."
"You ate the whole packet of Percy in the Pinks?"
Ah, so that's what they're called.
"Well not exactly, Josi, I seem to remember you ate a fair few at the service station! Same goes for your mum and your Nana! And the packet's smaller than the regular Percy Pig ones anyway!"
"We didn't have that many! Admit it, you scoffed all the Percy in the pinks when you thought we weren't looking and now you're trying to palm the blame off on us!"
Fair cop, gov.
"Look, I'll buy you all some more next time I'm driving past M&S, OK? I'm sorry!"
Ohhh. "Are there any of those chocolate mini bite things left?"
Oh. Judging by looks on family's faces, there are, but will not be sharing with me. How rude.
-3.54pm
Grrr getting sick of this. Should be there by now but due to horrendous traffic from hell and escaped sheep on the motorway (don't ask ), still haven't even cross Severn Bridge into Wales. In fact, still aren't even that close to Severn Bridge. This is fast turning into car journey from hell.
"Mummy? Nana? Will you play top trumps with me please?"
Ohhh Top Trumps sound so appealing right now, sick of driving. If only didn't have to keep eyes on road so can creep forward half a centimetre every five minutes. Sooooooo boooooorrrrreeeeeed.
"OK then Josi, that's a good idea. Have you got some with you? I put some in, but they're in the boot."
"Ja, I've got the world's deadliest diseases ones, is that OK?"
"World's deadliest diseases top trumps?" Mum sounds slightly bewildered.
"Yep, Mummy and Daddy got them for free at a conference they went to, they're so cool! Shall I deal?"
Have a funny feeling Mum isn't exactly going to be the biggest fan of this game.
-4.10pm
"Maximum Fatality Rate: 75%. Nana?"
"Right… OK… Fatality rate? So does the highest win or the lowest win?"
"Highest, the deadliest card always wins."
"Ah… right. OK then, 50%."
"90%, I win! Ebola virus! OK… rate of infection, 90%."
"90%? What's that?"
"Rubella. Come on, rate of infection, what's yours?"
Must confess, do sometimes wonder if this family is normal.
-5.06pm
There is good news and bad news. Good news: thanks to freebie world's deadliest diseases top trumps, Cunningham family have made it through last hour more or less without near-dying of boredom or trying to kill each other. Even Mum seemed to be enjoying it by the end of game, despite seeming to find whole thing a little morbid at the beginning. Other piece of good news is that have finally arrived at Severn Bridge.
Bad news is that, due to accident in which two cars apparently collided right in middle of bridge, haven't actually managed to cross it yet. And still have considerable way to go once have managed to cross. Predict journey from hell is far from over yet.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Josi?" Think she's getting bored again now have ground to complete standstill and almost certainly won't be moving for a while.
"Can I go and help the paramedics?"
"No, no Josi, I don't think that's a very good idea, darling. There are plenty of paramedics down there, Mummy and I went to check, remember? We offered them help but they said they were fine and not to worry."
"I'm good at helping, though. I helped Mummy that time when she was taking me to school and there was an RTA on the way and she had to resuscitate that girl."
"I know you did, Josi, but that was before the paramedics arrived, wasn't it? These paramedics are already here and they're coping just fine, they don't need any help just now."
"But if they're doing fine without any help, then why are they taking so long to clear the road?"
"Because there's someone stuck in a car down there complaining of a back injury, so the paramedics are waiting for the fire brigade to turn up and cut them out before they can take the injured person to hospital. So that'll be exciting, won't it? Seeing the fire engine!"
"I suppose so. I'd much rather watch the paramedics helping the injured person though, that would be much more fun! Do you think they'll have to give them mouth to mouth and bring out the oxygen masks like when Mummy and I helped that girl at the RTA? That would be so exciting to watch!"
I worry about that child sometimes, really do.
"Well I'm not sure it would be fun, would it? I mean, somebody's been badly hurt…"
"Not fun then, interesting. You and Mummy probably think it's really boring because you're doctors and you've seen this sort of thing loads and loads of times before, so you're used to it. And you watch all those crime dramas. But I've only ever seen one RTA and those crime dramas are all on after my bedtime, so to me, this sort of thing is really exciting!"
"Could someone just fill me in here, what exactly is an RTA?"
"It's a Road Traffic Accident, Mum."
"Oh so it's the abbreviation? How on earth does Josi know the abbreviation?"
"Because she spends her half terms at the Lyell Centre and she has an unnatural obsession with medicine and gory accidents aged seven."
"A bit like you at that age then. Except with you it was surgery and amputations."
"Pretty much."
-5.23pm
"So Daddy?"
"Yes Josi?"
"How much longer do you think we're going to be stuck here? And is that wailing in the distance on the other side of the bridge the fire engine?"
Ohhh, think she might be right. Although exactly how fire engine is planning on fitting through mega traffic jam blocking entirety of Severn Bridge bar site of the incident, really don't know. Ah no, take that back. Traffic on the other side of the road seems to be being told to reverse back to make room.
"Yep, I think that's the fire engine, Josi. So it shouldn't be too long now, maybe another hour or so."
"Another hour?" Nikki doesn't look too convinced. "You sure Harry? It normally takes longer than that when we get called out to this sort of scene."
"Of course it does, the ones we get called out to all involve the deceased as well as live casualties. An hour max Josi, promise."
"You're so going to regret promising that."
"I won't, you'll see. Definitely no more than another hour."
-5.49pm
Beginning to regret promising Josi and Mum wouldn't be stuck here for any longer than an hour. No signs might finally get moving any time soon and driver of car behind looking rather irritated and murderous last time checked rear view mirror. Expect he is also taking family away for half term break, except is not lucky enough to have wonderful, kind, understanding family I have and instead has bored offspring driving each other insane on back seat.
Then again, I have Nikki and Josi discussing favourite Jane Austen moments on back seat and mother snoring loudly in passenger seat, which is quite possibly the same thing.
"Harry? Harry, we're not going to get out of here in the next hour realistically, are we?"
Hmmm she looks funny, sort of… concentrating.
"Honestly? No, I'm sorry. I got it badly, badly wrong, once again I decided to have faith in the British police."
"Are these the British police or the Welsh police though, Daddy?"
"No, they're still the British police, Josi, Wales is in Great Britain, isn't it?"
"So you don't need a passport to get into the country?"
"Of course you do, you did put yours in, didn't you Josi?"
"What?! No!" Hehe, looks positively panicked. "You've never expected me to pack my own passport before!"
"Joycelin! Well we're going to have to hide you in the boot with all the suitcases when we finally get over the bridge and into Wales!"
"What? But I'll get swashed when we go round corners!"
"He's just being silly Josi, you don't really need a passport to get into Wales. Oh god, we're going to be here for ages, aren't we?"
"Yep, I would have thought so. Why?"
"I'm desperate for the loo."
Ah.
"Well… umm… I've got some tissues and there's some nice discrete shrubbery over there…?"
Doesn't look best impressed.
"I'm going to have to, aren't I? Can I have the tissues then, please?"
"Mummy, where are you going?"
"I'm going to the loo darling; do you need to go too?"
Hmm, Josi looks suspicious, is making rather adorable face. "Where are you going? I can't see any toilets."
"Well no, there aren't any toilets, I'm going to go and have a look at that shrubbery over there."
"You're going to go in the bushes?!"
"That's the plan, yes, there isn't another option. Are you coming with me?"
"No, I'm not going in a bush!"
"You sure? I know it's not particularly pleasant Josi but we might not come across any actual toilets for another hour or two yet."
"Positive, I'm not weeing in a bush in front of loads of people stuck in cars, bored, with nothing better to do than stare out of their car windows."
Think she might have a rather good point there.
-6.37pm
"Daddy, I'm hungry! And you said that we'd be here another hour maximum and now we've been here an hour and a half! I've listened to four chapters of Emma on Mummy's iPod already, that's a lot!"
Yep, Josi definitely suffering from confined space syndrome.
"I know darling, I'm sorry. I don't understand what's taking the paramedics so long. Hopefully they'll get out of here soon, then the fire brigade can clear the road and we'll ge…"
Oh for god's sake, cars behind have started sounding horns. Don't they realise if was able to move would have gotten out of here hours ago?
"Daddy, is that man angry with us?"
"No Josi, don't worry, he's just a bit fed up because he wants to get moving again, probably. It's fine."
Grrr, bloody ridiculous!
"Yes, alright mate! What's your bloody problem?!" So pissed off is unreal, I'm fed up with this too. Last thing need is bloody idiot behind taking aggression out on me.
"Daddy, that's not a very nice word!"
"I know Josi, but he's not being very nice, I'm just giving him a taste of his own medicine."
"But he can't hear you." Why is it Nikki is always right?
"I know, but it makes me feel better."
Grrr idiot behind is hooting again.
"Shut the hell up, you! We all want to get out of here thanks!"
"Harry, don't rise to it."
"I'm being calm in comparison to him! Bloody idiot, anyone would think I'd stopped in the middle of the bridge because I wanted to!"
"I know Harry, but don't rise to it, just ignore him. Please?"
-7.00pm
Oh for god's sake, half the cars behind seem to have joined in with the hooting the horn now. What do they expect me to do about it? Can't just plough through the bloody accident zone like a bull in a china shop!
"Right, that's it, I'm getting out!"
"Harry, no, don't be stupid…"
"I'm not the one being stupid, they are! Oh for god's sake, stop bloody hooting! We're fed up too you know! That's it, they've just about pushed me over the edge now, bloody idiots…!"
"Harry please!"
Oh.
Will close car door, looks so weak and vulnerable, can't go and scream and shout at Neanderthals behind us when can tell she doesn't want me to go. Or Joycelin, or Mum… can't do that to them. Even for the sake at giving impatient idiots what's coming to them.
"It's OK. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
-8.48pm
"So where exactly are we?"
"Somewhere near Swansea apparently, not too far now." Finally escaped from traffic jam hell on the Severn Bridge about an hour ago, and cake and coffee at motorway Starbucks, brief panic when Sat Nav ran out of power then tried to send us back home when plugged back in and family singsong to 'Hey Jude' later, have found selves next to beautiful picturesque field. In the middle of nowhere admittedly, but beautiful picturesque field all the same.
"So we don't know where we are?"
"Not exactly Josi, but the Sat Nav does I hope, it's fine. Nana and I just thought some fresh air would be nice."
"It is very pretty."
"Isn't it just? Do you want to borrow my camera and take some pictures?"
"OK then, thank you. And then can I practise aerials into double back handsprings around the field please?"
How on earth does she still have so much energy after the day we've had?
"Alright, go on then. Be careful with the camera, OK? And give it back to me before the… the handspring things, I'll take some pictures of you."
"Ohhh OK then. Daddy?"
"Yep?" Looks all solemn and serious and ridiculously grown up, always comes out with brilliant, thought-provoking stuff when has this look on face.
"I don't really mind if we don't make it to Tresaith by midnight, you know. It's really pretty here, it must be so at… at… atmosphic at night."
"Atmospheric, Josi, not atmos…" Ohhh she's already off doing her springy things. Looks so carefree and pure and innocent. My baby.
Ohhh, can feel arms around waist, know exactly who it is.
"Hello beautiful. I'm sorry."
"For what?" Looks concerned and gentle, and so, so beautiful. And just a little bit tired.
"For losing it earlier, in the road rage."
"Road rage? Is that what you're calling it?"
"Well it was a bit, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you…"
"Oh Harry, don't worry about it, it's fine, I promise. We'll get there eventually."
"Not exactly the half term break we were planning on having, was it?"
"Not really! No one's fault though, just one of those things. We'll laugh about it all tomorrow."
"Nikki?"
"Hmm?"
"I really love you, you know." Looks so perfect with the sunset lighting up her face, hair blowing in the breeze. So, so lucky to have her. To have my perfect family, despite all the disasters of today.
"So who's up for sleeping under the stars with the sheep tonight then?"
This one's for Lizzi, who turned 18 today :) Happy birthday, hope you had a fantastic day and you enjoyed the longest oneshot I've ever written! It's been a while since I wrote diary humour, I hope I remembered how to do it!
Reviews would be amazing as ever, I truly can't thank you guys enough for all your support.
Love Flossie xxx