DISCLAIMER: I neither own Supernatural nor the characters.

Summary: This is Dean's journal from his days in Purgatory. How he has a journal and everything will be answered in the story. It's written from Dean's perspective.

AN: This is a very dark story. You've been warned. Also, I think Dean lied to Sam when he said he was there only a year. My theory is that it was closer to ten, but I'm going to stick to canon. However, I don't think getting answers from the monsters was as easy as the show depicted, so here I am veering from canon. There will be a lot of Dean torturing. Once again, this is a dark story. Proceed with caution.

Also, look out for swearing. Dean is a hunter raised by a marine stuck in a land of monsters; I don't think he would be very happy.

One last thing, about canon. Dean was still human when he went to Purgatory. Still had his body, so I don't agree with the people who say he didn't need to eat. And I'm also going on the theory that regular animals end up in Purgatory too, because they're not human. (Except dogs and cats, they go to heaven in my book). So, Dean has to eat, and there will be all kinds of furry little critters running about.

Day 3

I don't know whether I should be happy or pissed that I have Dad's journal. I'm happy 'cause that means I got something to write this mess in. I have something to help me figure out what the hell is going on. I have something to help me make sense of everything. However, I'm pissed 'cause that means Sammy is back on Earth hunting without the journal. What if he runs into something he doesn't know how to fight? No, he'll be fine. It's Sammy. He probably has this whole thing memorized.

Maybe I'll write this to you, Sam, because I sure as hell am not writing this to a journal like some girl. So, Heya Sammy! I gotta say, this sucks. Out loud. I'm stuck in Purgatory, of all places! Oh, and the reason I didn't start writing from the get-go was the fact that between nearly dying, fighting gorilla-wolves, and running for my life almost non-stop, it was pretty hard to actually sit down and write something.

I just hope you're alright back home without this journal, and without me. I know you don't need your big brother as much anymore, but man, Sammy, I need you. I can't believe I just admitted that. I must have lost more blood than I thought. You're a great hunter, Sam, so I'm sure you'll be fine, or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't know.

And yes, before you ask, that is blood there on the page. I'm not in too good of shape, Little Brother. One of those bastard gorilla-wolves swiped my shoulder about an hour ago, and it won't stop bleeding. But don't worry. I've prayed to Cas, so hopefully he'll show up soon enough and heal me.

I bet you're wondering why he isn't with me. We got separated as soon as we got here. I think he got…I don't know, but he's not dead. I know it. I can feel it. He's out there, but I'm worried he's hurt 'cause he hasn't been answering my prayers. What if one of the gorilla-wolves got him? No, I don't think so. He probably just got separated from me. That's all. He's Cas, right? He'll be okay. I just hope he hears me soon. My shoulder won't stop bleeding.

I guess maybe I should tell you what happened from the beginning instead of just rambling, huh? Well, it all started when we killed Dick. I guess, when he died, Cas and I were too close and he pulled us in with him, landing us here in beautiful Purgatory. Cas explained to me where we are before the gorilla-wolves circled and attacked.

Man, am I glad I still got this demon blade. It has saved my life more than once already. Sorry you don't have it, Little Brother, but I think you'll be okay. Where was I? Oh, the gorilla-wolves attacked! They circled us, and all we could see were their eyes. I think Cas was still with me at this point, but I'm not sure. I was too worried about the huge, dark, hulking figures in the woods that had glowing eyes. They made these weird huffing noises, almost like they were communicating, and just rushed us all at once.

I didn't know how many there were. I just knew that there were too many. They charged in and starting swiping and clawing, thankfully missing most of the time. They were fast, too, almost wendigo fast. I ducked and dodged like a pro, though. I managed to get a few swipes of my own and drew some blood, but only succeeded in killing one of them. But when I killed it, it created an opening for me to get the hell outta Dodge. And I did.

I ran faster than I have ever run in my entire life. I can't say I'm proud to have run from them, but if I hadn't I would have died. So I hope you're not too disappointed in me for running. Anyway, I ran fast, and long. I don't know how long I had been running, all I knew was that my legs were burning and I couldn't get enough air. But I didn't stop. So maybe running isn't so weak, seeing as I ran until my legs literally collapsed beneath me. And I could still hear them coming.

I got up and started running again, looking desperately for a hiding place. I know, Sam, Winchesters don't hide, but I tell you, I had no choice. It was that or die. As seems to be the tradition of late. Finally, after running for another five or so minutes, I found a little opening beneath a tree and dove in. As I was sitting scrunched beneath the tree, waiting for the gorilla-wolves to catch up, I noticed something. I was bleeding.

With this newfound knowledge, I knew that hiding would be futile. These gorilla-wolves could probably smell me a mile away, if not more. It was my leg, probably injured when I collapsed, so I ripped up part of my undershirt and wrapped it the best I could. After that, I got out of that death trap. But when I emerged, I came face to face with the most god damned ugliest creature on the face of…Purgatory. It was staring me dead in the eyes.

Before I even could register that this ugly son of a bitch was a gorilla-wolf, I was flying through the air only to collide, hard, with a huge ass tree. I don't know what happened after that, I knew only that I must have blacked out. I didn't feel any pain though, right off, so that was good. And I couldn't have been out for more than a few seconds, because as I came to, trying my damn hardest to catch my breath, the gorilla-wolf was only just starting to head toward me. The damn thing had knocked the wind out of me when I landed against the tree, so as I lay there like a fish out of water, trying to breath, the ugly son of a bitch began sauntering, and I mean sauntering, towards me.

It stood a little awkwardly, like it wasn't sure if it wanted to stand on two or four feet. It was sort of hunched over, like a velociraptor. Only much scarier. I know, right, what the hell, other than a t-rex, could be scarier than a velociraptor? Well, I'll tell ya. Damn gorilla-wolves! They're all black, like black as night black. As black as night in purgatory black, which is pretty damn black. And their fur is all matted and dingy and dirty, like they've never heard of cleaning themselves, which they probably haven't. But I mean, even wolves, regular, good old wolves, know how to clean themselves. But not this ugly bastard, and man, was I glad there was only one. I don't know where its pack went, and I wasn't about to ask it.

As it sauntered over with a smug look of victory on its face, I finally managed to start breathing again. Thank Whoever. I pulled myself up into a sitting position, as I couldn't manage much more with the world spinning on its axis, and watched as the thing came over. As it got closer I got a good whiff at it, not voluntarily, and it stank! I mean, imagine a skunk with cow manure on it covered in zombie guts, and you may be getting close to the stench of this thing. Maybe.

As the world was still spinning and the gorilla-wolf with it, I accidentally closed my eyes. I don't know when I did, hell, I don't even remember agreeing to closing my eyes, but I did, and when I opened them again the ugly bastard was reaching down toward me with its five inch claws. Quickly, I dragged out the demon blade and stabbed the bastard through its throat, causing it to die a violent, bloody death. It got its damn blood all over me and then landed its dead body on top of me too! And this thing wasn't exactly a light weight. I mean, the thing had to be easily as tall as you, and three times the muscle mass, so it essentially crushed my legs and knocked the wind out of me again as it landed with a thump on top of me.

I won't complain too much about the bastard though, because it's probably the thing that ended up saving my sorry ass. My head had been pretty banged up when I hit the tree, so for a while after I killed the gorilla-wolf I was drifting in and out. It was during one of my out periods that the rest of the pack showed up. I woke up to a tugging sensation on my legs and looked down, barely able to keep my eyes open, and watched as the gorilla-wolf I killed was dragged backwards.

Now, Sammy, I was only half awake, so to me it looked like the thing had somehow come alive again and was doing the worm off my legs. I don't know what was happening, so I made sense of it in the only way I could, by thinking This gorilla-wolf can do the worm! So as I stared at the dancing gorilla-wolf, I didn't noticed any of the real lives ones until one shoved its nasty, snotty nose in my face. I stayed stock still, hoping and praying that it didn't notice me, whether it thought I was alive or dead, because either way I think I would have ended up being puppy chow. But as soon as it was in my face, it was gone. I think the dead gorilla-wolf's blood kept me hidden from them.

After a couple of minutes, or maybe hours, they finally moved off. Time isn't normal here, or maybe it is, I can't be sure, 'cause my first few days here were spent half-conscious or running for my life. I guess it to be about three days so far, though. After the gorilla-wolves moved off, I fell unconscious completely. Like out. For real. No more drifting, just sweet darkness.

I woke up later, once again, I don't know how much later, but it was daylight. Or what can pass as daylight here. There isn't a sun here, there's only dark, and not as dark. I'll call the not as dark daylight, but it really is a piss poor excuse for it. And man, Sammy, do I miss the sun. I never thought I'd be saying that again after I got out of Hell, but, as always, the universe loves to prove me wrong. And, I know I never told you, Sam, but I'm afraid of more than just airplanes. The dark scares me. Not nighttime darkness, but that pitch-black darkness that seems to swallow everything you ever were or could be. That pitch-black that's suffocating and threatens to smother you to death. That's the kind of nighttime that exists here, and I hate it. I can't stand it. And this nighttime here lasts longer than daytime. A lot longer. Instead of half and half like on Earth, it's more like seventy percent night, thirty percent day. I hope you find a way for me to get out of here soon.

Well, after I woke up I decided I should probably try to find shelter and take care of my leg, 'cause by this point it was throbbing. I limped awkwardly until, about three miles down, I finally found a stream. I hadn't realized how thirsty I was until I saw the stream, and then it felt like I couldn't get there fast enough. I rushed down to it, which was probably not my best idea, seeing as I tripped and ended up rolling into the stream. And if I thought Purgatory was cold before, well, I had another thing coming. It seemed impossible that the stream wasn't coated with ice, because it was cold enough to be. My limbs froze up right away and wouldn't respond to any of my commands, and it was only through pure luck that I managed to wash up against a rock and get pushed to shore by the current.

After a while of drifting in and out again I finally managed to get my arms and legs working to pull myself up onto the bank farther. I didn't feel thirsty anymore. I didn't feel cold. Hungry. Wet. Dry. Nothing. I felt nothing, and that's when I realized I was in deep shit. I'm not trying to worry you, Sammy, but I need to write this out. I don't know, it helps.

Well, I was in deep shit. I couldn't keep my eyes open for anything, they just kept sliding shut, and no feeling was coming back. I don't know how long I lay there on the bank, it could have been minutes, or days, or hell, even months. That's how out of it I was. But eventually, I don't know how or why, I began to feel cold, and thirsty, and hungry again. I felt my leg throbbing and the dull ache behind my eyes, so I convinced my body to drag myself down to the water's edge again and I drank. And man, water has never tasted so good.

Up until that I point I thought for sure I was a gonner. I thought that rooky mistake of falling into the stream was going to kill me. I thought I would never see you again, never see Cas. I'm not in a much better position right now, but at least I have a sliver of hope. Laying on that bank, I had no hope. I knew what was coming, I could feel that darkness of death pulling at me, but then I thought about you, Sam, and I thought about how I needed to get back to you. How I have to look out for my pain in the ass little brother, have to finish the one job I seem to always screw up. I can't screw up again, Sam. I just can't. I'll find my way back if you can't find me a way out. I promise.

After I finished, I swung myself around and took the ripped up part of t-shirt off my leg. It was soaked through with blood, and I could see the gash beneath it. It had stopped bleeding, so I cleaned it out the best one can in Purgatory, ripped up another part of my tee, and wrapped it again. After that I looked around for something to hide in, something to offer me shelter, and there it was. I spotted it just a few hundred feet up the bank. It was a small cave, just big enough to fit me, but it was big enough, and that's all that mattered. I dragged myself over, because there was no way I was walking. It was out of the question. Between my leg and the fact that the world wouldn't sit still even when I was laying down, I knew walking would lead to collapsing which would lead to rolling into the stream and then death, so I stuck to dragging. Just stop, Sam, I know what you're thinking. I was not crawling. Well, I was, but it was a dignified crawl, an army crawl.

Damn, man, I mean, only a little over a day into Purgatory and I already have done three things I wouldn't have under any conditions. I ran. I hid. And now I was crawling. Man, Purgatory sucks. Out loud. I think I already said that, but I'm not sure. Did I tell you about my shoulder? No? Well, actually, I think it will have to wait. I'm getting tired. I'll just say this, and leave the details for later. A gorilla-wolf ripped it up good, and I think they have something on their claws that prevent blood from clotting, 'cause now it's been almost three hours and it's still going good. That's probably why I'm tired. I wrapped it the best I could, but the bandage is soaked through. It won't stop bleeding.

Speaking of which, where's Cas? I don't know how much longer I can last at this rate. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm cold. It's so cold here. Always. It never lets up, but it doesn't snow or anything. It's just cold. Maybe that's blood loss, too. I can't really tell. It's getting dark early today, so that's good, maybe. That means I can sleep. Or does it? I'm not sure. I know I'm not supposed to sleep during the night here, too many monsters, but I can't seem to stay awake. Already twice I've fallen asleep writing this.

I'll have to tell you about the day and half up to this point that I didn't tell you about later. It's getting colder, Sam. What am I gonna do? There's still a gorilla-wolf on my tail, Cas hasn't showed, and I'm bleeding to death. Where are you, man? Where's Cas?

Damn, Sammy, I'm so damn tired. I just…

AN: Thanks for reading! Tell me what you think! If you have any suggestions for any adventures Dean may have had in Purgatory, let me know I'm going to try to update at least once a week, more if possible.