Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of the Hellblazer series, the Matrix trilogy and the most Excellent Bill and Ted movies. Nor do I own Microsoft, upon whose program I am typing this out.
LEFT CLUTCH: Chapter One
The mountain road was calm and serene. Squirrels darted along the mossy ground, tossing nuts to each other. Birds in the air sang shrilly, mountain lions in the mountains growled and the little lemurs in the trees did whatever it was that little lemurs do.
A low hum started up in the distance, causing a squirrel, which was in the process of throwing another delicious nut, to misdirect the nut's trajectory. The nut gone awry sailed through the air and bonked a little lemur on the head.
The small mammal commonly found in Madagascar swayed indecisively on the branch for a moment as if it was deciding to keep swaying for a little while longer, or end the swaying and fall onto the road where it would most likely get run over by a car or assorted engine powered vehicles.
For some strange reason, probably because the lemur had drunk to much lemurnade the night before, it chose the latter of the two options. It fell onto the tarmac with a 'plop' sound and smiled woozily into the distance.
The hum steadily increased and a rather small shocking pink car-like dot appeared in the distance. A little later, it grew into a rather large shocking pink car-like car.
In the car-like car were three people who would excite, thrill and traumatize most fans of a certain actor who sometime ago had crashed into a motorbike while driving his mountain. Or something like that.
"Dude! Watch out for that lemur!" cried Ted 'Theodore' Logan, pointing at the little lemur gazing dreamily at the fast approaching shocking pink bumper of the car-like car.
"What lemur?" asked Thomas A. Anderson, not taking his eyes off the steering wheel, and therefore not seeing the lemur gazing dreamily at the very fast-approaching shocking pink bumper of the car-like car.
To those people who question how one can drive when one's eyes are looking only at the steering wheel, it works on the same principle as to those people who type while looking only at the keyboard.
"I thought you could only find lemurs in Madagascar," said John Constantine from the backseat in a very bored sort of way.
The other two ignored him. Neo was too busy trying to avoid the lemur on the road. Unsuccessfully, considering he was staring at the steering wheel. There was a loud crunch and the car jolted in an oh-no-I've-collided-with-a-lemur-which-you-can-only-find-in-Madagascar-should-I-go-out-and-help-or-roll-over-it sort of way.
There was a flash of light and a rather large man-sized shocking pink rabbit appeared in the seat next to John.
"Lemur go SPLAT!" said the bunny, in a helpful sort of way.
"Bogus, dude!" said Ted, not looking behind.
John glanced at the rabbit and frowned. "I get the feeling you're not supposed to be able to talk, or indeed be here at all."
The rabbit did nothing but smile. "That doesn't matter!" it said in a bright and cheery manner. "I'm here, and that matters more than anything else!"
John frowned again. "Really?" he asked, in a manner that implied he was not asking a question but more looking for an excuse to blow someone up.
"Yup!" said the very social bunny in a bright and cheery manner. A few seconds later, it was getting blown up in a bright and cheery manner.
"Never could stand those Social Bunnies," he muttered, as he used the red hot barrel of his gun to light his cigarette.
Ted and Neo tried very hard not to look back.
It was going to be a long journey.
If anyone wondered why the lemur had been drinking too much lemurnade, the reason is rather complex and interesting. Interesting in the same way that seeing someone about to get stomped to death by a horde of ravenous hippy llamas with Elvis hair is interesting.
If you like that sort of stuff you should go to Tibet or some other place where ravenous hordes of hippy llamas with Elvis hair can be found.
Anyway, this lemur in particular was a very interesting lemur. Apart from being interesting in the way that all lemurs are interesting, this lemur had only half a day ago been Bill S. Preston Esquire, and not a lemur, interesting or otherwise.
This is the story of what transformed young Bill into a lemur.
One nice evening, Bill was walking along the road. He was having a very good time; he liked walking along the road. It very often inspired him and he was encouraged by the happy messages radiated off the tarmac.
On this particular evening, Bill noticed something lying on the road that did not inspire or encourage him. It was a rather dirty pair of underwear.
Whoever owns this piece of rather dirty underwear must be really silly and inconsiderate to leave their underwear out on the road. He thought to himself.
No sooner had he thought that, that a woman in a black cloak and a rather lopsided-looking coned witch hat appeared with a crack much like the sound a bone makes when you bend it in rather unsavory positions. Professor Minerva McGonagall then promptly turned him into a lemur, before disappearing with another crack, leaving a rather surprised Bill-lemur standing on the sidewalk.
To be continued...