Hey guys, this was an English assignment to write a fairytale in Holden Caulfield's voice (The Catcher inn the Rye). Please have a good laugh and ignore the mistakes. P.S. I don't really curse, but for the sake of the story, I shall~
The Lousy Story of Cinderella
Once upon a goddam time...you know what, screw that crap! Let's just get to the point. There's this family of phonies and their moron of a maid who doesn't even know how to scrub a floor. I mean, who spends one hour on the same spot, the moron. Anyways, the stepmother and stepsisters were mean to her and all. But if you ask me, she deserved it for being stupid as hell. You'd think a grown moron like her would know what the hell she's doing with her goddam life But no, no she doesn't and that kills me.
So one day, the big shot suave prince's henchmen or something knocks on the door to deliver an invitation to the royal dance, ball, whatever you call it. And of course Cinderella's stepsisters had to freak out like they always do around those phonies. Always. Then Cinderella, the stupid maid, wanted to go too and whaddayaknow, she's not allowed to. I mean, who's dumb enough to let a maid prettier than you meet the love of your life? Wait, never mind. Love my ass. All they want is to get to the necking and all that sexy stuff. Don't even talk about the money. It's the money again, you don't have the dough, you have nothing. That really makes me blue as hell.
Back to dear ol' Cindy. She got sore and cried and cried because she couldn't go to the the goddam ball and her "family" (insert sarcasm here) could. Seriously, what the hell, you don't even know the guy and you're crying because you can't meet him? If I was there, I'd laugh like a madman and maybe slap some sense into that empty little head.
But then there's this fairy godmother person or something and she does this bipptiy-boppity-boo crap and voila~ Cinderella is in a goddam dress. And then like the stupid phony she is, she says, "Oh, how am I supposed to get there without a golden-lined carriage? Oh, poor me!" Ha, she's so selfish and stupid it makes me wonder why the hell the godmother even bothered to help. That absolutely kills me. Really...it does. Of course, the fairy does that bipptiy thing again and pumpkin turns into a carriage. A pumpkin. Yeah, I know, a pumpkin. For chrissake you'd think a fairy would be more original than that. It's so corny it makes wanna puke. Actually, hold that thought while I dry heave. Swell.
Anyways, three innocent little mice come walking by and the sonuvabitches get turned into Cinderella's handmen! Can you believe it? Just because this damn moron of a princess wants to go to some crumby dance, the little mice have to lead her around. For once, I hope they're the blind ones. That part knocked me out cold. Boy, these things really ruin your childhood fantasies for ya. The selfish phonies depress me. God, what I'd do for a cigarette right now.
The magic is supposed to wear off by midnight, what a rip-off. Off they go and whaddayaknow (Hey I can actually rhyme! So I did learn something in that prissy school...), the bit shot prince sees Cindy and falls in love with her right then and there. You gotta be kidding me. They dance and dance the waltz, 'cause really they can't Jitterbug, I've seen. Cinderella doesn't notice the goddam time and all. It's midnight and blah blah blah. She runs out of the palace and almost breaks her crazy neck tripping over the steps. The prince runs out and yells, "What the hell's your goddam name?" and she's like, "Find me you sonuvabitch or fuck you to hell!" Okay, so maybe I kinda made that part up.
So the next day, the prince goes out to find his lost lover and he finally gets to old Cindy's house. Her stepsisters lock her up in the dungeon 'cause they're sexy like that. Just kidding. God, do you have to be so serious? The prince comes in and looks around. Apparently Cinderella, like the moron she is left her other glass slipper on one of the stairs Wait a second, wasn't the magic supposed to wear off? How come everything changed back except the shoes? See, phony...
The prince who think's he's so damn clever has everybody try on the slipper he has to find his love. The first sister tries to jam her big ass foot in, and of course it doesn't fit. The second's feet are too small. And the third can't even fit her crazy toes in, what a shame really. And then the prince's henchmen hears Cindy in the dungeon and he lets her out. "Hey, you goddam prince, there's another one in here." He didn't exactly say it this way, but you get the point.
The prince recognizes here right away and they run into each other's arms. God, for chrissake, couldn't you have recognized her in the first place instead of trying on shoes with a buncha people. Man, old Princey is stupid.
In the end, Cinderella is becoming the princess she does not deserve to be. But before that, she banished her stepfamily into the pits of hell...muahahaha. I mean, the Satanic Deserts, but close enough right? And I quote, her last words were, "Fuck you and your stepfamilyeness!" Ha, you thought she'd be all nice and forgiving? Told you everyone's phony as hell. So the thing I learned from this lousy story, Cinderella is fake but crazy scary. Don't mess with her, really. I'm not kidding. I tried pulling a prank on her wedding day, and boy I've never run that fast and I run crazy fast man.
Oh would you look at the time. Gotta go visit old Cindy for tea now.