As soon as Ami says "Hey forehead girl!" Sakura feels rage start to rise. The familiar nickname tears at her heart. Nobody could like you, forehead girl. Too ugly for friends. She clenched her fists and tries to make the rage and self-hatred go away. Her efforts just add to it and it swirls and drags at her clothes and clogs her lungs. Good girls don't fight, she reminds herself, desperately. She presses her back firm against the tree behind her and tries to channel all of her feelings into its bark.
"Just gonna sit there, forehead? " Ami taunts, grinning, her teeth sharp and very present and Sakura finds herself wondering whether it would hurt if Ami bit her. Animals bite. Humans don't, Sakura reassures herself. Ami takes a step closer, her grin still just as wide, a touch of victory in her eyes. Sakura crosses her arms and hunches down, but tucks her fingers into fists. She glares at the grass in front of her and tries to ignore Ami's taunts. Don't do it, Sakura tells herself but her fists ball tighter and she can't sit still as Ami spews insults through her smug grin. She finds herself standing and feels her cheeks pull tight as she shoots Ami a grin of her own.
"You're pretty ugly yourself, grape-head," Sakura growls, but it comes out tiny and high-pitched. Not for the first time, Sakura curses the fact that she's 7 and Ami's 8 and miles taller and bigger, but Sakura doesn't back down. Her fists are at her sides and she doesn't think she can pull them tighter.
"Aww, forehead's mad! Hey guys! Come look at this! She thinks she's something," Ami says in a sickly sweet voice, looking over her shoulder for her lackeys. They stomp up behind Ami and scoff at Sakura and her tiny, tight fists.
"You think you can beat us up, forehead? We're going to be ninja and you're just a little civilian. Pathetic." They scoff and for a moment all Sakura knows is a comforting blankness in her head and the rush of her forward movement, but suddenly she's been tripped and her forward momentum turns to smash her into the dirt. All three girls standing above her laugh.
"Seriously? She tried to take on ninja? What kind of idiot is this girl…" someone murmurs above Sakura. Sakura feels dirt scrape her face and feels aches where her skin will bruise. Tears start forcing their way past her attempts to keep them back and she turns her face further into the dirt so that Ami and her friends won't see her cry.
"Is she crying? From that? God, that's so lame. No fun at all," someone far off to her right comments before breaking into giggles.
"Sakura! Get up! What are you doing in the dirt?" A familiar voice snaps. "That's a brand new dress, you know. If you got stains in that you're paying for a new one and I won't buy you any more nice clothes until you learn to take care of what you have." Sakura's mother stomps over and drags her daughter up by the arm and ignores the muddy tear tracks down Sakura's face. The girls standing off to the side whisper excitedly and giggle. Sakura lets her head hang and hides behind her hair, staring at the dirt that mats it. Her mother's fingers dig like claws into her upper arm and she straightens instinctively as her mother prods her for an answer.
"Yes, mother."
"Were you getting into fights again? Let this be another lesson, ladies don't get into fights. All you get out of it is ripped clothes and a ruined reputation."
"Yes, mother."
Sakura's mother shoots Ami and the rest of the girls in the schoolyard a narrow look, "If any of you ninja children had proper manners, the world would be a much better place." With that, she drags Sakura off home. Her hand doesn't leave its vice grip on Sakura's arm until they pass the threshold of their house.
It's always been a point of contention within the Haruno family that the closest school to their house is right next to the Ninja Academy. Sakura has always loved it and loved watching the ninja kids through the slats of the fence that separates the yards of the two schools. She loves the shared area in front of the schools a lot less. Her bright pink hair paints a target on her forehead that screams "tease me!" to all the general population, and ninja children aren't exactly encouraged to grow up nice. Violence is a part of ninja life and it fascinates and repulses Sakura all at once. Her parents are very firmly against ninja, and hate their "lawless, violent ways" and constantly remind her "don't trust them, baby girl". Her mother punishes Sakura for fighting and takes away privileges and assigns chores, citing that ladies shouldn't fight. Her father mutters darkly at her bruises and skinned knees before turning back to frowning at his newspaper.
Sometimes, Sakura wonders how they would feel if every day they were pushed down and sneered at in the schoolyard. Would they stay so pacifist or would their fists curl tight and their throats vibrate with the force of keeping their snarls down? Sakura is backed into a corner and there is only one way out.
"Please let me enter the Ninja Academy!" she throws herself down at her mother's feet one day as her mother comes back exhausted from a hospital shift. She presses her forehead against the floor and waits. The rustling of her mother's scrubs stops as she freezes. The sound of her father turning newspaper pages in the kitchen stops and silence reigns.
Sakura dares to turn her head and look up at her mother through her hair. Slowly, with narrow eyes and wrinkles creasing her forehead, her mother finishes slipping off her shoes. She doesn't look at Sakura as she heads to the kitchen table and sits with unnaturally controlled and smooth movements. Sakura scrambles to her feet and nearly tips over the chair as she tries to pull it out. Her father is folding his newspaper with precise movements, his gaze locked on his hands where they smooth wrinkles from the folds.
"What brought this about, Sakura?" her mother asks, slowly.
"I want to be a ninja," Sakura repeats. Her parents shift uncomfortably.
"Now Sakura," her father begins. "Ninja risk their lives daily for their job. They're required to fight and lay their life down if need be. They're just tools for the village, and stupid tools at that sometimes." He scowls. He works in law and has handled so many different complaints from civilians about ninja fights and property damage he can barely stand to look at a ninja.
"Sakura." Her mother looks sad and lost. "Sakura. You- I- ladies don't fight." Lost for words, her mother falls back on the familiar phrase, so overused it's almost lost all meaning to Sakura. No meaning doesn't mean no reaction and Sakura looks down in shame, somehow expecting the jeers of the girls from the Ninja Academy to reach her ears even here.
"Those- those girls," Sakura starts. "They're ninja." She glances up with careful eyes. "They kick me around and make fun of me and- and I want to be able to… I want to be able to make them stop." At her parents' wide eyes she hastily shakes her head. "I don't want to hurt them! I just want to let them know that I can do as well as they can in Ninja Academy. I'm just as good as them! I want to be able to protect myself."
"Sakura, honey, you shouldn't start something as life changing as Ninja Academy just because of some bullies…" her mother hesitates. She stands up and wraps her arms around Sakura from behind, kissing Sakura's fluffy pink hair. "You've been growing into such a lovely young lady. You shouldn't spoil that with this ninja nonsense. This is how you get yourself killed!" She rocks Sakura from side to side, hiding her face in Sakura's hair.
"Mother, I want to protect Konoha," Sakura says, hoping she doesn't sound as desperate as she feels. She reaches up to grasp her mother's arms and hold her there. Really, I just want to prove myself and protecting Konoha is a great perk. "I want to do something big, mom. I don't want to do a desk job or work at the hospital as soon as I get out of school. I want exciting work and I don't want to be stuck in mountains of hurt people like you have to deal with at the hospital."
Her mother sighs and she stops rocking Sakura. "Are you sure, honey? This is a really big decision. I won't stop you, if this is what you really want." She looks to her husband, who sits slouched, with his sharp eyes betraying the thought going on behind them.
He meets Sakura's eyes and she wants to wilt. He was never the most supportive father, but he's never looked so sharp before, and it hurts to meet his eyes.
"I don't like this, but…" he hesitates. "It's your life, your decision." His eyes are still drilling into hers and she nods firmly. I won't let myself be kicked around. "Don't make a mistake, Sakura. Ninja life is dangerous. You can be killed. Your friends can be killed. None of us want to lose you."
Sakura nods. "I know! I'll be good! I'll do good and be the best ninja and it'll be awesome!" She smiles big and doesn't notice her parents' sad eyes. Her mother moves to sit and rest her head on her husband's shoulder as Sakura stands and skips up the stairs to her room. The kitchen is silent.
Sakura starts at the Ninja Academy in the fall and she adores it. She flounces through the doors on the first day wearing a brand new red dress and a determined smile. There's a feeling in the back of her mind that nobody takes her seriously, but she still loves the books and lessons and all the knowledge she finds. Chakra! That's what that energy is called! It's all lovely until they have their first taijutsu practical and her theoretical experience is useless. She's down with her face pressed in the dirt again and she hears someone snicker. Rage rises and she… deflates. She can't be angry. Ladies don't fight, she remembers. But her red dress is stained brown and her hair is in snarled knots and this is basically a controlled fight. Her mother has let her go to ninja school, to learn how to fight, so why keep that old promise? She's let up and she and her opponent make the Seal of Reconciliation. Sakura returns to the line and waits her turn to fight again. She smiles slightly and adrenaline floods her arms and fingers, making them shake as her turn grows closer.
"Are you really that eager to get beat down?" someone sneers and Sakura shoots her audience a slightly malicious grin. Energy is rising in her and her blood sings and whispers in her ear, telling her that someone is going to go down and it's not going to be her. Her fists clench tight. The teacher eyes her with some amount of concern but calls for her to enter the ring.
Her opponent is a skinny girl with brown hair tied back in short pigtails. They make the Seal of Confrontation and the girl falls into a stance Sakura has never seen before, but Sakura remains unconcerned. Her heart is pumping fast and her stomach feels coiled and she's so ready. She spends the next five minutes getting beat down again. She hits hard and fast but her anger and adrenaline makes her uncoordinated and she forgets her previously textbook perfect stances to the haze.
"What kind of form is that? Little civilian couldn't take being beat once and forgot proper form?" Sakura can see the girl speaking from where she lays spent, her face in the dirt. She doesn't move and doesn't react. The adrenaline has receded and she feels like someone scraped all the emotions out of her, reaching the bottom of the bowl and leaving marks. The Seal of Reconciliation seems to be the most humiliating gesture possible.
After that she keeps her head low. Everywhere I go I'm the weakest, she thinks bitterly. She'd thought that would be over at the Ninja Academy, but they still pick on her. Their horrible nicknames for her have more to do with her current position as the lowest of the class in practicals but highest in theoretical work. At least they don't seem to think her forehead is any more ugly than the rest of her though. She hasn't seen Ami and her lackeys since the end of her civilian school career, and she thanks whatever deities are listening for that, but she still seeks out the corners and shadows of the schoolyard when she waits to be dismissed. The schoolyard is not someplace she trusts and wants to stay.
Today, school let's out and she picks a direction and runs. She moves so fast that it only takes half a mile for her lungs to feel useless and her legs to lose all feeling, but she tells herself it's all in my mind. I have enough air. My legs aren't tired. The books in her backpack bump against the ridge of her spine and she ignores the familiar feeling of a bruise forming. She runs past buildings she can't remember and down streets she'd swear she's never seen before, all the while fighting to keep her thoughts off of the pathetic burn in her lungs and legs and the lightness in her head. Sweat begins to gather on her back and forehead and it condenses into rolling droplets as she approaches the market square. Sakura just has time to recognize that she's approaching from the direction opposite the Academy before she's dropping to her knees as they give out and her lungs work frantically.
Sweat drips from the ends of her hair as she stares down at the sidewalk. Only one mile. Any of the other Academy kids could have done better! Around her, the market bustles and people brush against her as they move in and out of the square. Nobody spares her a second glance. She's anonymous and it hurts. Everywhere she goes, she's boring enough that nobody cares. Ninja are so...flashy! They throw around all those exhausting techniques and beat up their opponents and I'm so...not that. Despite her eye-catching hair, Sakura knows she's nothing special to look at or know. Her eyes don't seem to work properly and her head spins but she forces her muscles to work and push her to her feet.
There's determination written in the creases of her eyes and the downward scrunch of her eyebrows as she moves forward. Her legs start working properly as she keeps walking and she trudges toward her house. She needs to improve.