A Fever You Can't Sweat Out: The Musical
1. Introduction
2. The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage
3. London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines
4. Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks
5. Camisado
6. Time to Dance
7. Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
8. Intermission
9. But It's Better If You Do
10. I Write Sins Not Tragedies
11. I Constantly Thank God for Esteban
12. There's a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of It Yet
13. Build God, Then We'll Talk
Italics - Spoken
If there are no instructions on what to do, that is up to your mind. Each performance will be different and each viewer will get a different experience.
CHARACTERS
Aurora Orne
Cole Docker
Hayleigh Aleksandra Jordan
Introduction
Aurora: Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present a picturesque score of passing fantasy.
Song One
[Verse 1]
Sit tight, I'm going to need you to keep time
Come on, just snap, snap, snap your fingers for me
Good, good, now we're making some progress
Come on, just tap, tap, tap your toes to the beat
And I believe this may call for a proper introduction, and well
Don't you see? I'm the narrator, and this is just the prologue
[Chorus]
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives
[Verse 2]
Applause, applause, no, wait, wait
Dear studio audience, I've an announcement to make
It seems the artists these days are not who you think
So we'll pick back up on that on another page
And I believe this may call for a proper introduction, and well
Don't you see, I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue
[Chorus]
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives
[Bridge]
Swear to shake it up, you swear to listen
Swear to shake it up, you swear to listen
Swear to shake it up, you swear to listen
Swear to shake it up, swear to shake it up
[Chorus]
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention
I aim to be your eyes
Interlude
Aurora: Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the show of the century! I will be your narrator, my name is Aurora Orne. I am only visible and audible to you, and so, none of the characters in this precious story can see or hear me. I hope you enjoy this tale as much as the next person would.
Song Two
[Verse 1]
Stop stalling, make a name for yourself
Boy, you better put that pen to paper, charm your way out
If you talk, you better walk, you better back your shit up
With more than good hooks while you're all under the gun
Start talking "a sensationalist"
Oh, he's slightly clever to just a certain extent
If you talk, you better walk, you better keep your mouth shut
With more than good hooks while you're all under the gun
[Pre-Chorus]
(Panic!, meet the press)
It's time for us to take a chance
It's time for us to take a chance
(Panic!, meet the press)
It's time for us to take a chance
It's time for us
[Chorus]
Well, we're just a wet dream for the webzine
Make us it, make us hip, make a scene
Or shrug us off your shoulders
Don't approve a single word that we wrote
Well, we're just a wet dream for the webzine
Make us it, make us hip, make a scene
Or shrug us off your shoulders
Don't approve a single word that we wrote
[Verse 2]
I'm burning and I'm blacking my lungs
Boy, you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue
If you talk, you better walk, you better back your shit up
With more than good hooks while you're all under the gun
Start talking "a sensationalist"
Oh, he's slightly clever to just a certain extent
Well, keep quiet, let us sing like the doves
Then decide if it's done with purpose or lack thereof
[Bridge 1]
Just for the record, the weather today
Is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of
(a) Indifference, or
(b) Disinterest in what the critics say
[Pre-Chorus]
It's time for us to take a chance
It's time for us
[Chorus]
Well, we're just a wet dream for the webzine
Make us it, make us hip, make a scene
Or shrug us off your shoulders
Don't approve a single word that we wrote
Well, we're just a wet dream for the webzine
Make us it, make us hip, make a scene
Or shrug us off your shoulders
Don't approve a single word that we wrote
[Bridge 2]
Just for the record, the weather today
Is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of
(a) Indifference, or
(b) Disinterest in what the critics say
[Chorus]
Well, we're just a wet dream for the webzine
Make us it, make us hip, make a scene
Or shrug us off your shoulders
Don't approve a single word that we wrote
Well, we're just a wet dream for the webzine
Make us it, make us hip, make a scene
Or shrug us off your shoulders
Don't approve a single word that we wrote
[Outro]
Just for the record, the weather today
Is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of
(a) Indifference, or
(b) Disinterest in what the critics say
Interlude
Aurora: Oh, my precious audience, do you see that man? His name is Cole Docker, and he will be our main character. He can't control himself and he is stuck in his own mind. There is no cure to the thing he is going through, and so, he is suffering due to his emotions, or rather, lack thereof.
Cole: I need help!
Aurora: If only we could help him, and he could be set free. Oh, but-
Song Three
[Verse 1]
Watch your mouth, oh, oh, oh
Because your speech is slurred enough
That you just might swallow your tongue
I'm sure you would want to give up the ghost
With just a little more poise than that
Or was it God who chokes in these situations
Running late? Oh no, he called in
Or was it God who chokes in these situations
Running late? Oh no, he called in
[Pre-Chorus]
The hospice is a relaxing weekend getaway
Where you're a cut above all the rest
Sick and sad patients on first name basis
With all the top physicians
[Chorus]
Prescribed pills
To offset the shakes, to offset the pills
You know you should
Take it a day at a time
[Verse 2]
That's when you st-st-stutter something profound
To the support on the line
And with the way you've been talking
Every word gets you a step closer to hell
That's when you st-st-stutter something profound
To the support on the line
And with the way you've been talking
Every word gets you a step closer to hell
[Chorus]
Prescribed pills
To offset the shakes, to offset the pills
You know you should
Take it a day at a time
Prescribed pills
To offset the shakes, to offset the pills
You know you should
Take it a day at a time
[Bridge]
I am
Alone in this bed, house, and head
She never fixes this
But at least she
I am
Alone in this bed, ooh
She never fixes this
But at least she
[Chorus]
Prescribed pills
To offset the shakes, to offset the pills
You know you should
Take it a day at a time
Prescribed pills
To offset the shakes, to offset the pills
You know you should
Take it a day at a time
[Outro]
The hospice is a relaxing weekend getaway
Where you're a cut above all the rest
Sick and sad patients on first name basis
With all the top physicians
Interlude
Aurora: Oh, my audience, do you hear that?
speaker sputtering
Oh, that must be something! It must be! Well, I think that it's speaking to us, hm. Well, we will move along I suppose. There is Cole Docker in his glory, in a hospital bed. He is not okay.
Song Four
[Intro]
The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident, this was a therapeutic chain of events
[Verse 1]
This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
It's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional
It sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal
The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in
It's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional
And it sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal
[Bridge 1]
Just sit back, just sit back
Just sit back and relax
Just sit back, just sit back
Just sit back and relapse again
[Chorus]
Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again
Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back
[Post-Chorus 1]
You're a regular decorated emergency
You're a regular decorated emergency
[Verse 2]
This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
It's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional
It sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal
The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in
It's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional
It sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal
[Chorus]
Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again
Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back
[Post-Chorus 2]
Sit back, sit back, relax, relapse
Sit back, sit back, ba-ba, ba-da-do
You can't take the kid out of the fight...
[Bridge 2]
You're a regular decorated emergency
The bruises and contusions
Will remind me what you did when you wake
You've earned your place atop the ICU's hall of fame
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again
You're a regular decorated emergency
The bruises and contusions
Will remind me what you did when you wake
You've earned your place atop the ICU's hall of fame
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again
[Chorus]
Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again
Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back
[Post-Chorus 2]
Sit back, sit back, relax, relapse
Sit back, sit back, ba-ba, ba-da-do
You can't take the kid out of the fight...
[Outro]
The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident, this was a therapeutic chain of events
Interlude
Aurora: Moving on from our friend Cole Docker, this is Hayleigh Aleksandra Jordan.
Hayleigh: Oh, Mother!
Aurora: She is connected to Cole Docker through a very special relationship, you see. She and Cole had dated for some time, and she broke his small, unforgiving heart. We had also dated for sometime, but I am not allowed to talk about my past before being a narrator.
Song Five
[Verse 1]
Well, she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor
Just for the attention
'Cause that's just ridiculously odd
Well, she sure is gonna get it
Here's the setting: Fashion magazines line the walls
Now, the walls line the bullet holes
[Chorus]
Have some composure, where is your posture? (Oh, no, no)
You're pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger (All wrong)
Have some composure, where is your posture? (Oh, no, no)
You're pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger (All wrong)
[Post-Chorus]
Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!
When I say "Shotgun," you say "Wedding"
Shotgun wedding! Shotgun wedding!
[Verse 2]
She didn't choose this role
But she'll play it and make it sincere so
You cry, you cry (Give me a break)
But they believe it from the tears and the teeth
Right down to the blood at her feet
Boys will be boys, hiding in estrogen
And wearing Aubergine Dreams (Give me a break)
[Chorus]
Have some composure, where is your posture? (Oh, no, no)
You're pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger (All wrong)
Have some composure, where is your posture? (Oh, no, no)
You're pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger (All wrong)
[Bridge]
Come on, this is screaming "photo op"
Come on, come on
This is screaming, this is screaming
This is screaming "photo op"
Boys will be boys, baby
Boys will be boys
Boys will be boys, baby
Boys will be boys
[Outro]
Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!
When I say "Shotgun," you say "Wedding"
Shotgun wedding! Shotgun wedding!
Boys will be boys, hiding in estrogen
And boys will be boys
Boys will be boys, hiding in estrogen
And wearing Aubergine Dreams
Interlude
Aurora: When she broke his heart, he wrote her a special note every day. And putting the notes together, they seem to be connected.
Song Six
[Verse 1]
Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking
As you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing
As your fingers touch his skin
I've got more wit, a better kiss
A hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet
Sweetie, you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat
A better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me
[Pre-Chorus]
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
[Chorus]
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
[Post-Chorus]
So, I guess we're back to us
Oh cameraman, swing the focus
In case I lost my train of thought
Where was it that we last left off?
(Let's pick up, pick up)
[Verse 2]
Oh, now I do recall
We were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in
And the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick
I hope you didn't expect to get all of the attention
Now, let's not get selfish
Did you really think I'd let you kill this chorus?
[Pre-Chorus]
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
[Chorus]
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
[Interlude]
Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster
[Bridge]
I've got more wit, a better kiss
A hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet
Sweetie, you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat
A better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me
[Pre-Chorus]
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
[Chorus]
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
[Outro]
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
And hold a lover close
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster
Intermission
Aurora: Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control, we are unable to continue our broadcast of dance music. We shall continue now with our piano interlude.
Song Seven
[Verse]
Now I'm of consenting age
To be forgetting you in a cabaret somewhere
Downtown where a burlesque queen
May even ask my name
As she sheds her skin on stage
I'm seated and sweating to a dance song
On the club's P.A
The strip joint veteran sits two away
Smirking between dignified sips of his dignified
Peach and lime daiquiri
[Chorus]
And isn't this exactly where you'd like me?
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance
And paying in naivety?
Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me?
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance
And paying in naivety?
[Refrain]
But, but I'm afraid that I
Well, I may have faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead
D-dead-d-dead-d-dead in this place
Well, I'm afraid that I
Well, that's right
Well, I may have faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place
[Chorus]
And isn't this exactly where you'd like me?
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance
And paying in naivety?
Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me?
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance
And paying in naivety?
[Bridge]
Well, I'm afraid that I
Well, I may have faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead
D-dead-d-dead-d-dead in this place
Well, I'm afraid that I
Well, that's right
Well, I may have faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place
[Chorus]
And isn't this exactly where you'd like me?
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance
And paying in naivety?
Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me?
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance
And paying in naivety?
[Outro]
Praying for love and paying in naivety
Praying for love and paying in naivety, oh
Interlude
Aurora: I start this story today because, well, today's the day. Hayleigh is going to get married, to someone of the name Elliot MacKenzie. And so we crash a wedding, follow along here, in favour of Cole Docker.
Song Eight
[Verse 1]
Oh, well, imagine
As I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor
And I can't help but to hear
No, I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words
"What a beautiful wedding!
What a beautiful wedding!", says a bridesmaid to a waiter
"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame
The poor groom's bride is a whore"
[Chorus]
I chimed in with a
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
With a sense of poise and rationality
I chimed in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
With a sense of...
[Verse 2]
Oh, well in fact
Well, I'll look at it this way
I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne
Oh, well in fact
Well, I'll look at it this way
I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne
Pour the champagne
[Chorus]
I chimed in with a
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
With a sense of poise and rationality
I chimed in with a
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
With a sense of...
Poise and rationality
Again
[Chorus]
I chimed in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
With a sense of poise and rationality
I chimed in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
With a sense of...
Poise and rationality
Again
Interlude
Aurora: I have evened us all out. Hayleigh has now experienced heartbreak, and it's a wonderful thing to see. Oh! She seems to be a liar, can you not tell? Follow here-
Song Nine
[Verse 1]
Give us this day, our daily dose of faux affliction
Forgive our sins, forged at the pulpit
With forked tongues selling faux sermons
'Cause I am a new wave gospel sharp
And you'll be thy witness
So gentlemen, if you're gonna preach
For God sakes, preach with conviction
[Chorus]
Strike up the band!
Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it?
Now, don't you move
Strike up the band!
Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it?
Now, don't you move
[Post-Chorus]
Just stay where I can see you, douse the lights!
We sure are in for a show, tonight
[Verse 2]
In this little number
We're graced by two displays of character
We've got the gunslinger extraordinaire
A walking contradiction
And I, for one, can see no blood
From the hearts and the wrists you allegedly slit
And I, for one, won't stand for this
If this scene were a parish, you'd all be condemned
[Chorus]
Strike up the band!
Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it?
Now, don't you move
Strike up the band!
Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it?
Now, don't you, don't you move
[Bridge]
Just stay where I can see you, douse the lights
We sure are in for a show, tonight!
Just stay where I can see you, douse the lights!
We sure are in for a show, tonight!
Stay where I can see you, douse the lights!
[Chorus]
Strike up the band!
Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it?
Now, don't you move
Strike up the band!
Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it?
Now, don't you move
Don't you move
[Outro]
Don't you move...
Strike up the band!
Interlude
Aurora: A special party, we follow Hayleigh to. This place seems so unorganized. Oh, well. Here she is! And I simply must call her out to everyone, despite no one being able to hear me. She will be found out.
Song Ten
[Verse 1]
Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman
From that moment, you'll be out of place and under-dressed
I'm wrecking this evening, already and loving every minute of it
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring, and...
Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman
From that moment, you'll be out of place and under-dressed
I'm wrecking this evening, already and loving every minute of it
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring, and...
[Pre-Chorus]
When you're in black slacks
With accentuating, off-white pinstripes, whoa
Everything goes according to plan
[Chorus]
I'm the new cancer, never looked better, you can't stand it
Because you say so under your breath
You're reading lips, "When did he get all confident?"
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
Never looked better and you can't stand it
[Verse 2]
Next is a trip to the, the ladies' room in vain, and
I bet you just can't keep up with (keep up)
With these fashionistas, and
Tonight, tonight, you are, you are a whispering campaign
I bet to them, your name is cheap
I bet to them, you look like "shh..."
Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears
And keep telling yourself that "I'm a diva!"
Oh, and the smokes in that cigarette box on the table
They just so happen to be laced with nitroglycerin
[Chorus]
I'm the new cancer, never looked better, you can't stand it
Because you say so under your breath
You're reading lips, "When did he get all confident?"
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
Never looked better and you can't stand it
[Bridge]
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
I've never looked better and you can't stand it
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
I've never looked better and you can't stand it
[Outro]
And I know, and I know it just doesn't feel like
A night out, with no one sizing you up
I've never been so surreptitious, so of course
You'll be distracted when I spike the punch
And I know, and I know it just doesn't feel like
A night out, with no one sizing you up
I've never been so surreptitious, so of course
You'll be distracted when I spike the punch
And I know, and I know it just doesn't feel like
A night out, with no one sizing you up
I've never been so surreptitious, so of course
You'll be distracted when I spike the punch!
Interlude
Aurora: We never forget the most important part of the story, where Hayleigh kills Cole. This part of the story gets everyone every time! Follow along as I guide the tale.
Song Eleven
[Verse 1]
It's the substandard motels on the la-la-la-la-la
Corner of 4th and Fremont Street
Appealing only 'cause they're just that unappealing
Any practiced Catholic would cross themselves upon entering
The rooms have a hint of asbestos
And maybe just a dash of formaldehyde
And a habit of decomposing
Right before your very la-la-la-la eyes
[Chorus]
Along with the people inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
Inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
[Verse 2]
Tonight's tenants range from a lawyer and a virgin
Accessorizing with a rosary tucked inside her lingerie
She's getting a job at the firm come Monday
The Mrs. will stay with the cheating attorney
Moonlighting aside, she really needs his money
Oh, wonderful caricature of intimacy
Yeah, yeah
[Verse 3]
And not to mention the constable
And his proposition for that "virgin"
Yes, the one the lawyer met with, on "strictly business"
As he said to the Mrs
Well, only hours before, after he had left
She was fixing her face in a compact
There was a terrible crash
There was a terrible crash
Between her and the badge
She spilled her purse and her bag
And held a purse of a different kind
[Chorus]
Along with the people inside
What a wonderful, caricature of intimacy
Inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
[Bridge]
There are no...
Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things
Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things
[Refrain]
Inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
Inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
[Outro]
Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things
Raindrops on roses and the girls in white dresses
And the sleeping with the roaches and the taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things
Outro
Aurora: Well, you've followed along on the tale of Cole and Hayleigh, and you've seen two lost souls pass. We unfortunately have to end the show due to lack of characters. Goodbye!