The Canon-Fic Alchemist
By: Sam Streich
Starring: Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, Winry Rockbell, Armony Eiselstein, Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Riza Hawkeye, and Scar
Edward Elric enters stage left and takes a seat at a desk with his arms crossed.
Edward: "Damn that Mustang… what does he want now?! I can't stand coming into his
office, all he does is make short jokes at me!" Suddenly grins evilly and puts
his feet up on the desk. He begins to imitate Roy. " 'Look at me, I'm Lt.
Cl. Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist! I'm a big jerk and a huge pervert who
likes to force my subordinates to do pointless paperwork for me while I read
porn!' "
Roy enters stage right from behind Edward as he watches Ed get up from the desk.
Edward: Puts his hands on his hips, still imitating Roy. " 'Major Hughes, Major
Armstrong, go find the Elric boys. I need to hassle them about how they messed
up again and give them another faulty lead on the Philosopher's Stone. And
maybe while I'm at it, I'll tease FullMetal about his height a little!' "
Roy: Interrupts Edward. "Is that really your best imitation of me, FullMetal?"
Edward: Spins around to see Roy. "Oh, Lt. Cl.!" Chuckles nervously and scratches
the back of his head.
Roy: Sarcastically. "I'm glad you're so elated to see me…"
Edward: Glares at Roy and shakes his fist. "Well you know what, I have a thing or two
to get off my chest!"
"Favorite Daughter" plays throughout the stage.
Roy: Smirks and draws closer to him. "Oh really…? Do tell…"
Edward: Gets nervous and starts backing away. "H--huh?! What?! Hey, get the hell
away from me! I don't swing that way!"
Roy: Gasps. "FullMetal, what are you talking about?! You think I was coming on to
you?!"
Edward: "Uh… yeah…?"
Roy: "Hey, don't get confused with some weird fan girl's yaoi doujinshi. I'm the biggest
lady's man in the state of Amestris! You think I'd waste my time with a GUY?! Let
alone a little boy like you…"
Edward: Fumes. "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A PIPSQUEAK MIDGET?!"
"I'm Too Sexy" plays throughout the stage. Winry, Armony, and Maes enter and grab Roy by the arms.
Roy: "You see, FullMetal? I'm a total pimp! A player…"
Edward: "Wait a sec--Armony?! I thought you were dead! And Winry--how'd you get
here?!"
Armony: "My love suddenly revived me--it was the only catalyst I needed!"
Winry: "And even though he killed my parents in the anime, I'm just so attracted to Roy! I
mean, just look at him!"
Edward: "Hey, Hughes!! What the hell are you doing?!"
Maes: "Hey, I'm just kidding! I'm married, remember?" Backs away.
Winry and Armony giggle. Riza yells from off-stage.
Riza: "LT. CL. ROY MUSTANG!" She enters stage left. "Stop right there!" Aims
her gun at him.
Roy: Nervously. "L--Lt. Hawkeye--!"
Maes: "He's in for it now…"
Riza: "Everyone knows we're canon, now stop flirting with those under-aged girls and
MOVE!"
Maes: Yells to Roy as he's dragged off-stage. "I keep tellin' ya it's time for you to
finally get married!"
Roy: "SHUT UP!"
Riza drags Roy off-stage.
Armony: "That's all fine… I don't like him that much anyway." Walks over to Ed
shyly. "Actually, Edward, there's something I forgot to mention in that letter I
wrote to you…"
"Dear My Small But Mighty Master" plays throughout the stage.
Armony: "The truth is, Ed… I secretly lo--"
Winry: "HOLD IT!" Literally jumps between them. "I can't let this happen!"
Edward: "Winry?!"
Armony: "Outta my way, blondie!"
Armony and Winry begin to wrestle.
Winry: "You're not even part of the series--you're just a game Sue!"
Armony: "Well all you do is hit Edward with a wrench and walk around half-naked!"
They drag each other to the side of the stage and argue (silently).
Edward: "This is just too weird…"
Scar enters stage left. "Scar" plays throughout the stage.
Scar: "FullMetal Alchemist, Edward Elric… I've come to finally kill you!"
Edward: "… Again?! As if this day couldn't get any worse…"
Scar: "Yes, all State Alchemists must die at the hands of God's Warrior!"
Alphonse yells from off-stage.
Alphonse: "Stay away from my brother!"
Edward: "Al!"
Maes: "Alright, back-up!"
Alphonse enters stage right.
Alphonse: "I'm here to help, Brother!" He looks around the room. "Um… what's going
on here…?"
Edward: "Oh, they're just arguing over pairings…"
"The Speck Alchemist" plays throughout the stage.
Alphonse: "Hey, I think I have it the worst! I don't know who to choose! People pair me
with Marta, Armony, Winry, Mei, Envy, Scar, our dad, and even you!"
Edward: "What the hell?! Fan girls are sick…"
Maes: "Yeah, that's pretty bad…"
Scar: "Wait… what?!"
Edward: "Take a look for yourself…" Walks over to the laptop on Roy's desk and
opens it. "Here it ."
Scar: "Holy Mother of Ishbala… I must begin a new quest. I shall no longer eliminate State
Alchemists. I will now kill all of the fan girls on this website!" Storms out.
Maes: "Hey, stop right there Scar! You're under arrest!" Chases him.
Edward: "Well… that was weird."
Alphonse: "I'll say…"
Winry and Armony run over to Edward and Alphonse.
Winry: "Ed, Al… tell little miss 'Mary Sue' to hit the road!"
Alphonse: "Eh!!"
Armony: "Hey, I'm not leavin' yet! Ed still has more Alchemy to teach me!"
Edward: "Winry, are you… jealous?"
Winry: "What?! No!! Geez Ed, I don't like you like that! You've been reading too many
fan-fics lately…"
Edward: "Huh?! But… everyone says we're canon…"
Winry: "Don't be silly."
"Sunny Harmony" plays throughout the stage.
Winry: "You two are like little brothers to me, regardless of what these fan girls say…"
Edward: "Little?!"
Winry: "Hey don't ruin the moment, you know what I mean! But I've known you guys for
ever… I could never go out with one of you. You're like family…"
Alphonse: "Winry…"
Armony: "Wait, so why were you attacking me?!"
Winry: "Well I guess I was being protective…"
Armony: "Oh… so then, no hard feelings…?" Offers to shake her hand.
Winry: "… Come here!"
Winry and Armony hug. There is a long pause while "Carefree" plays throughout the stage.
Edward: "… So… what now…?"
Winry: "… Wanna go write more Fan Fictions?"
Armony: "Sure!"
The girls walk off stage and the boys start to follow. Alphonse stops Edward.
Alphonse: "Wait, Brother… didn't Scar say he'd eliminate everyone on that website?!"
Edward: "… OH CRAP! ARMONY, WINRY--WAIT!"
The boys run off-stage.
Fin.