When we two parted
In silence and tears
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years
OCTOBER 31, 1981
---- I watched you pack, though you didn't realize I was there.
You were focused. Intent. Muttering to yourself as you checked and rechecked your knapsack. I saw you feel around your pockets for your wand and watched as you lovingly ran your fingers over the length of it before tucking it away in your back pocket.
I believed you were running, though from what, I could not say.
From me? From us? From the war?
No, never from the war. You were too keen to fight to run from the war.
I made myself known to you and stepped from my hiding spot into the sunlight that filtered in through the window shades.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"I've things to see to."
"Shall I come with you?"
"No."
I cried. A terrible weakness, and an action unbecoming to a witch such as myself, but it could not be helped. You said no more as you threw your bag over your shoulder and left. ----
Pale grew thy cheek and cold
Colder thy kiss
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
NOVEMBER 1
---- It was Minerva who came and told me of James and Lily. You were nowhere to be found.
Not that it would have mattered.
You were only around when you wanted to be.
They took Harry to live with Lily's sister. Hagrid told me to tell you thank you for letting him use your motorbike.
Where were you, Sirius? ----
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
NOVEMBER 2
---- I saw you on the street, chasing Peter. I saw you round the corner. Your wand was out, even with all the Muggles around.
"Sirius!" I called, and began to chase you.
It was cold that morning, but as I neared the corner I was toppled by a blast of heat and flame.
All gone.
Everything was destroyed. ----
Thy vows are all broken
And light is thy fame
I hear thy name spoken
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear
A shudder comes o'er me
Why wert thou so dear?
NOVEMBER 3
---- They took you to Azkaban today. I watched from a distance. I could not bear to have you see me.
Did it mean nothing to you? The love that we shared?
Perhaps it was not real at all.
I want to believe that you are innocent. In truth, my heart cannot think that you would willingly murder innocent people. Especially James and Lily.
But if you did…if you were working for the Dark Lord…
I am ashamed to have loved you so deeply, if the things they say are true. ----
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.
DECEMBER 17
---- Remus feels he is alone. I feel the same.
His friends are gone. My love is gone.
His faith in your innocence faded after they found what was left of Peter. I find mine is waning as well, though I still cling to those last threads.
Am I a fool, Sirius?
I think of the times we shared and find myself wondering if, even then, you were plotting betrayal. I am terrified and ashamed to think that you were.
And I feel guilty for thinking such traitorous thoughts against you.
I wish I could have confirmation!
Tell me you hate me!
Tell me you used me only as means to an end!
I feel as if I am going mad. There is such shame.
Shame for thinking you are innocent, when so many are dead and the evidence points to you.
Shame for thinking you are guilty, when I know in my heart the kind of person you really are.
Shame for hating you. Shame for loving you still.
Shame for thinking about what I am feeling, while you rot in the living Hell of Azkaban.
I'm torn, Sirius. Torn and broken. ----
In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive
MARCH 27, 1994
----I found this old journal today while I was cleaning out my closet. I don't know why I'm bothering writing in it after so long. Nostalgia, I suppose.
Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban, a feat that no other has ever accomplished.
It's funny…I managed to push him to the back of my mind after years of worry and turmoil, then, in the span of one news cast, my heart broke for him all over again.
Gone was the young, energetic man whom I loved so deeply, and in his stead was a madman. His skin was sallow and stretched tight on his bones. His eyes were dull, the shadows beneath them deep and hollow.
What hells had he endured in the twelve years in that place? Alone, with only the Dementors for company?
Oh, God…if they should find him, then it will be the Kiss for him.
I wonder now if he even remembers me. Does he remember how I vowed to do anything for him?
Does he remember the little fool who occupied him while he waited to see Voldemort's plans through?
I am laughing as I'm writing this, because after twelve years, I am no closer to believing he is guilty than I was the day he was carted away. ----
There is a knock on my door and I sat my pen and journal aside. I open it to find Remus, looking disheveled and pale. His hair has grayed more since I last saw him, but his smile is quick and genuine as I usher him inside.
I ask about his year at Hogwart's and he informs me of the things that have been going on. My legs grow weak as he talks about Sirius coming after Harry—his own godson—and I sit in a nearby chair.
How could I have been so wrong?
He continues on, telling me of how Sirius took one child to the Shrieking Shack, and when Harry confronted him, the truth of over a decade came out.
Sirius was innocent!
Remus finishes his tale of how Harry used a Patronus—"Which I taught him to do," he added—to save Sirius from the Dementors, then sent Sirius away to parts unknown on a fugitive hippogriff.
My eyes filled with tears and I smiled. Remus knelt in front of me, cradling my face in his hands and kissing my forehead. He stands and I accept his outstretched hand without question. He smiles and I feel a familiar pulling sensation as we disapparate.
If I should meet thee
After long years
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears
We arrive in a field. It is warm and muggy for March. I ask where we are, but Remus ignores me. His attention is focused on the distant treeline.
I look, and my breath catches as a beautiful hippogriff steps from the forest. Beside walked Sirius Black.
I am speechless. Tears stream down my cheeks as he approaches. Remus kisses my cheek, but my vision never wavers from Sirius. He embraces his friend and Remus disappears with the tell-tale crack of dispparation.
He walks to me and holds out a hand to brush my cheek. His fingertips hover above my skin, as if he is unsure.
In silence, I step into him and wrap my arms around his thin frame. My body shakes with silent sobs as his arms close around me. I feel his warm tears against my skin as he hides his face in the crook of my neck.
When at last we separate, he climbs upon Buckbeak and holds a hand down to me.
In silence, we fly off into the night.