Lights flashed on the screen before them. Sounds filled the room while smiles reflected off of each other. The normality of it all seemed to give him a feeling of uneasiness. He looked at his friend, his roommate; his brother even. He gazed at the boy, no, now man, and tried to grasp the image. Had it only been 7 years? He thought to himself, incapable of capturing the face that he had become so familiar with. He had always pondered what it would be like to touch him. Not in the way he usually touched him, but in a way he had never revealed to his own consciousness. Thoughts kept so deep in the back of his being that he'd never have to think them. Thoughts that bombarded him the first time they met. The overwhelming desire to be his friend. Was that all it was? Were the ideas that came to him in the dark of the night ever worth mentioning, even to himself? He brooded on fact that somewhere inside of him, he wanted to be with this person forever. He convinced himself that these things he felt were nothing but nonsense. None of it made sense to him. It never had.
"Dan?" Blue eyes caught his own and he could see the remnants of the TV's pictures mirrored in them. Had he been staring this whole time? He came to the realization that he had been drowned in his own contemplation.
"Sorry! I must've just spaced out." He pasted a smile on his face, attempting to veer away from the fact that his eyes were pinned onto his friend for an unnecessary amount of time. They continued sinking back into the agonizingly usual setting while Dan frightened himself with things he shouldn't be thinking.
With the climax of the movie long over, the two sat in satisfaction. The ending credits rolled on the screen as breathing from the boy next to Dan slowed. He was sound asleep when Dan peared over his shoulder. His mind started to wander again as Phil's open mouth seemed to invite another's lips. He shook his head and violently pushed away the lustful ideas.
"Phil." He whispered, planning to gently wake him up. Phil stayed motionless. "Phil." Dan said a bit louder than his previous try. The boy resting his head upon the back of the couch didn't flinch. He gulped, his eyes now trailing to the white skin peeking out of the collar of his shirt. He breathed out gradually; cursed himself when the impulses he had buried were now being dug up so forcefully by the breath that trickled out from Phil's plump lips. His eyesight, now being controlled by his subconscious, traveled down to the rest of his limp body. His teeth met his lips in an effort to block out all the sin seeping out of his mind. He swiftly turned his head as he bit down harder. His eyes were shut tightly securing his sanity. He was losing himself in the way he was so afraid he would. Years of protecting his secrets wasted on the moment he turned around and pecked Phil's lips with his.
He opened his sealed shut eyes to reveal the mistake he had just committed. This wasn't what he wanted. It was just the effects of a curious boy in the lonesome night. There was no meaning behind his actions… Right? Being so close to Phil's face, Dan was frozen in his thoughts. His eyes flicked to each of his peaceful eyelids as he swallowed down the urge to kiss him again. His arms caged him in while he leaned over his sleeping companion. His chest moved vigorously while he tried to comprehend the scene that had just taken place. Red-faced, he leaned in a bit more, testing himself. Dan puzzled over what Phil's lips would feel like in a more delicate kiss. He ran his tongue over his own lips as he brought his face even closer. Soft: The only thought Dan could think. His lips were soft. They weren't waxy with the taste of Chapstick but simply tender. They had a texture of innocence. It was a gentle touch of lips together. A gesture only meant for lovers; something Dan had never thought would become of them.
He backed away with a feeling of guilt. He craved to feel it once more. Maybe more than once more. Perhaps he yearned to press against his friend's lips whenever he liked. Dan ran his hand through his mess of hair and exhaled. What would he do now? What if he couldn't look at Phil the same way? He decided to keep this to himself; buried it with all the other things never to be spoken of.
Phil, being picked up to be carried to his bedroom, got startled by the sudden jerky movement. Dan stopped in his tracks and observed him with a flustered face. Phil was not yet fully awake but knew his objective.
"Bed…" He muttered in a sleepy voice. Dan flashed a crooked smile and helped the snoozing boy get on his feet. With Phil's head resting on his shoulder, Dan carried him around the corner and down the hall to his room. He shivered as his friend licked his neck with his hot breaths seeming to whisper something about sleep. His arm rested below his ribs as he held him up to the best of his ability. They wobbled down the hall struggling to both stay awake and hold onto each other, until they came to Phil's colorful room.
Dan scrambled to pull back the checkered blankets as he still kept Phil on his feet. He groaned as he almost dropped him.
"C'mon Phil, stand up!" Phil replied with incomprehensible phrases. Dan managed to ignore his words while finally being able to set him down. He plunked down making a distasteful look as he reached up to grab Dan's newly comforting arm.
"Cold…" Dan's heart hammered in his chest as the boy's cold fingers brushed his forearm. He blinked and quickly pulled up the covers to tuck Phil in. But, the grip held tightly on the awakened ones arm wouldn't allow to be freed. He murmured a chilling word again, this time furrowing his brows. Dan didn't quite know how to come about this. Phil was unconsciously pulling him towards his own body. What Dan didn't know though, was that Phil had come across the same unspeakable notion: Phil wanted to touch him. He hadn't pinpointed the exact moment he started feeling these inconvenient desires, but they came to him in his dreams. In his sleep he could do whatever he wanted with Dan. His own mind; his sanctuary. Fantasies never to be thought about during the day. Never to be unleashed in this lifetime. But then, an action, only seeming to be a vision in the middle of the night, had became a reality. Phil pulled Dan over him and snuggled his arm to his face. Dan stared at the forbidden scene. Could he give Phil what he wanted? A quick half asleep cuddle meaning nothing but the need for warmth? Dan had a feeling in his gut that that surely wasn't the only reason. But he would tell himself anything to justify laying next to his friend and wrapping him up in his embrace.
He took in the scent from the black tangled hair in front of him. Phil curled into a ball, being satisfied with the newfound security. Dan lay there, face flushed from the humiliation. No matter how much he wanted to move away, he couldn't. He was stuck there; bound by the feelings he had accidentally admitted to his troublesome mind. He kept his faculty of sight down on the back of Phil's neck to somehow trap in his dirtied thoughts. His hands twitched involuntarily whilst trying to keep them from roaming elsewhere. Sweat threatened to seep from his pores as he lay there longer. The heat from the shame he felt mixed with the pleasure he refused to acknowledge below his hips made a scorching feeling in the pit of his stomach. Phil slept soundly as he imagined the rush of his close friend touching him beneath his closed eyes. He felt safe somehow. He couldn't find why exactly, but he felt blissful. Something so close struck him in the heart and he awoke almost in a sorrow state that he'd only feel this in his slumber. His eyes focused on the dark room, finding vague shapes in the blackness. He stirred, startling Dan in the process. They were both caught off guard but Phil stayed silent, trying to take in what was happening. Dan thought he was still deep in sleep as he didn't move much after that. He sighed to himself, whispering his defeat,
"Ah, fuck." In the silence around them he had realized his predicament. He had released the chains that held on so violently to the practiced norm he had taught himself. Phil breathed slowly trying to mask his quickly beating heart. His throat felt shaky as huffs of air tried to venture out from his constricted diaphragm. He took a minute to process the situation he was in. Dan, his best friend, was wrapped around him so close he could feel the rise and fall of his chest. At least, he thought it was Dan. He started a panic in his drowsy mind for a moment but then recognized Dan's familiar voice. He was utterly confused at his roommate's actions. Dan had never been touchy with him. He had never willingly showed affection unless he received it. But now, what was happening? Phil's head spun as he attempted to find a method for this madness. He wanted to question the blind endearment. But, making Dan uncomfortable was not on his list of things to do. So, he placed his hand over the one that had been draped over his abdomen. He felt Dan convulse by the sudden touch of reassurance he was not prepared to be given. Phil lowered his voice and spoke softly and cautiously,
"D-Dan?" He swallowed the hoping the saliva would coat his dry throat. Dan started stuttering, failing to find words to explain this mess.
"I uh…" He stammered on, thinking he was only making things worse. "This…" It was troubling to discover such an explanation; one he couldn't quite convince himself of.
"It's okay…" Phil whispered to him, giving him the chance for no explanation at all. He wasn't sure what any of this meant, but he knew he didn't feel disgusted. He knew he wasn't against this peculiar instance that was so out of the blue. He knew that he enjoyed the presence he felt behind him and the tug of Dan's hand on his shirt when he whispered so quietly into his ear,
"...okay." And they stayed there in each other's arms, nobody taking the responsibility or blame. They stayed, fixed on the feeling it gave them and closed their eyes to deal with the consequences in the morning. They both knew, when the sun shone through that window in front of them, things would never be the same. And frankly, they were okay with that.