Disclaimer: I don't own the Mighty Ducks and the title belongs to Maroon 5.
Author's note: something I wrote 1:30 in the morning after realizing the same thing Adam does.
~*Not Coming Home*~
Adam blew out a long stream of breath, watching the whiteness dissipate. It was a snowy day and he was freezing on the park bench, waiting for Charlie to come meet him. He had been waiting for nearly thirty minutes but it was like Charlie to be late.
"Sorry man, something came up," said Charlie, finally, jogging up to the bench. Adam felt frozen and blew warm air into his fingers.
"It's okay," he said. His legs were shaking and he didn't know whether it was from nerves or the weather.
"So what did you want to talk about? You sounded pretty serious on the phone Banksie, and that's saying a lot since you're almost always serious." Adam tried to keep a thoughtful expression on his face as he grew even more nervous.
"Oh you know, just wanted to talk and catch up. It feels like I haven't seen you around lately."
"You know how it is with girls," said Charlie, with an impish grin. Adam felt his insides starting to writhe.
"Yeah, sure."
"I don't know, usually I get pissed off if a girl starts taking up all of my time but with Linda I don't seem to mind. She's a pretty cool girl."
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Adam couldn't believe he had the courage to say that. He was going to go through with it; he was going to tell Charlie Conway what he had been harboring for years. Adam always thought it was meant to be; he couldn't help but be impressed by Charlie's passion for hockey and life and it was only a matter of time before that awe turned into something else.
Sometimes Adam hoped Charlie felt the same way but other times he felt as though he was hopelessly deluding himself.
~
Adam watched the screen of his laptop come to life with instant messages. He typed in his own message:
Abanks99: so what else is new?
Spazchaz: nothing really you know, life is really boring.
Abanks99: it's alright, at least we don't have a lot of homework.
Adam watched as Linda had signed off. She was just another one of a million other peoples' screen names he had but never talked to.
Spazchaz: hey I g2g, ttyl.
Adam bit his lip. Obviously Charlie hadn't stayed up until 1:00 in the morning to talk to him, he had stayed up to talk to Linda. Feeling sick to his stomach, Adam, too, signed off.
~
It was times like that that made Adam feel like nothing but a stranger lurking the shadows, watching Charlie's every move. He wished that Charlie would like him too and sometimes he honestly seemed like he did, like when they joked around sometimes too friendly to be just friends. Or sometimes when Adam would venture up a meaningful topic, Charlie would tell him that he's a good guy. Adam was sick of what this was putting him through and he was ready to put an end to it.
"What about Linda?" asked Charlie.
"I just…are you sure you feel the way you do about Linda?" Do you love her, Adam asked silently.
"I like her a lot, sure, but it's not true love or anything, Banks," Charlie answered easily, as if he had read Adam's mind. "But what's really on your mind, don't BS with me, I can see right through it." Adam bit his lip.
"Do you ever feel as if you were meant to be with someone? That two people just matched each other so well and you just loved to spend time with them even if they two people wouldn't really admit it?"
"What?" Charlie's brow furrowed in thought. "You like someone, don't you Banks? Come on, don't deny it." His face cleared, as he looked happy for his friend. "Come on, who is it" Adam's internal battle reigned but his desperate need to know the truth won out despite what the cautious side of his brain was screaming.
"You. It's you Charlie. I like you, no, I love you." Charlie's look of happiness crumbled into confusion.
"What?"
"Look, I've liked you a lot for a long time. At first I just liked you, as a friend. And I, I don't know, idolized you." Adam flushed; he wasn't sure he liked pouring out his soul like this; it made him too vulnerable. "And then when we started being friends I realized you weren't just all about hockey, you were so into living life and being passionate."
"Adam what are you trying to say?" Adam barely noticed the fact that Charlie had called him by his first name.
"I need to know, Charlie. Do you feel the same way?" Adam watched Charlie's face carefully. Charlie, himself, was thrown into confusion. Him, an idol? It was so strange coming from the same guy that Charlie had secretly wanted to be for as long as he knew him. But did he want him? That he wasn't so sure.
"Adam…I don't know. I'm not sure if I like you, in that way. Look, we're good friends and you're a good guy, you know I think that, right?" The good guy thing again, thought Adam, bitterly. If only he had known that what Charlie meant by that was just friends.
"But I think I really do like Linda. I do. But thanks for telling me, Adam, it means a lot that you'd trust me enough to tell me." Adam nearly told Charlie to fuck off and stop being such a nice guy but he couldn't. He just wanted Charlie even more after knowing he was even more unattainable than before.
"Adam?" Charlie's face showed concern as his friend blanched and took several steps back. He doesn't love me, he never will, Adam realized. He had known, or he should have known, but he just didn't accept it until now. All those times he saw Charlie and Linda talking and laughing, fitting so well with one another when he thought it was him and Charlie that fit well. Obviously not.
"I…just…I have to be alone." Charlie nodded understandingly.
"Okay, but I'm here for you, okay?" Adam didn't even hear as he started sprinting back to his dorm. But his dorm wasn't big enough to hold all of his feelings, that feeling that your heart was breaking into pieces and the shards were piercing your stomach.
Adam walked aimlessly around, barely feeling the cold. His insides felt the same; in fact, they were colder. He took off his sweatshirt and threw it where it landed in the snow. He was angry and just sad, so sad. Without thinking, he walked inside a building and started climbing the stairs. Walking wasn't fast enough so he started running, sprinting up the stairs and bursting out through the door, onto the roof of the building. He didn't know how long he was running or how high he was up. But he felt as though he was on top of the world.
People always talk about how when above everything you see that everything is trivial and nothing was worth getting bent out of shape for. But Adam could see the whole world from here and all he felt was alone, so very alone. The wind bit at his arms. He had nothing left. He had wanted Charlie for so long and now that that part of him was ripped away without his consent, he felt empty and dead.
Adam edged closer to the side of the building and stood on the railing, swaying with the wind. The ground teetered precariously, or was it him that was moving?
/You should have known, he doesn't love you and he never will./
"I thought he did. I thought he could have."
/You're alone, so alone. Nothing's left. Don't lie; you were thinking about doing this for a long time weren't you?/
"No lies here, and yes, yes I was."
/School is worthless, so is life. The redundancy of it makes you want to cry as you hopelessly try to change the disgusting form you're in./
"You're right, you're always right," Adam muttered.
/You love to dream about how people will react and how dramatic it will be if you just died./
"Guilty as charged."
/You loved him, didn't you?/
"Yes," he whispered.
/All those cuts, all that pain, is life really worth it? What is there in the end? Money and retirement and being old? Growing old only brings you embarrassment and pain, you never wanted to be old, isn't that right?/
"I'd rather die than be old."
/Yes, yes./ Was it just his imagination or was the voice starting to get more and more excited? /Why go home, Adam, when you have the choice to fly away from all of that?/
"I'm not coming home, not tonight."
/You dream about dying, you fantasize about suicide. Don't you think it's about time you turn your dreams to reality?/
"Absolutely," Adam whispered. He pushed the image of Charlie to the furthest corner of his mind and he flung his arms wide like a rock star and threw himself from the building's edge. He wasn't coming home, not tonight.
~*End*~
a/n: can you tell I'm in a shitty mood? Thanks for reading~