Title: I Am Sin
By GuroStar
Rating: R-18
Summary: He was gross, disgusting, scum, sin. But this was the life Edward had made for himself. The bed he was lying in. Secrets consumed him and Edward was a master of escaping reality by now, avoiding the consequences of his actions. He was nothing but a sinner who desired to rot.
Pairings: Elricest ,RoyEd, HeiEd, EdVy, Ed is kind of a hoe
Warnings: Incest, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Rape, Dub-Con, Mental illness, Sex Scenes, violence, language warning. Nothing I'm sure you lot would be new to. Just know what you're getting into okay.
A/N: Welcome to this manifestation of Sin. I need to go to church and cleanse my soul after writing this and if you read it I advise you do that same. This is so awful I love it. I hope you Enjoy. Let me know if you threw your phone, screamed, or showed your friends like "THIS IS HORRIBLE READ IT". Those events would be dreams come true.
Most common phrase from my early readers: OH NO
Chapter 1: Disgusting
Love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me.
Please love me big brother.
It was like every other night of his college life. He'd get high, go to a party, get high some more, have sex with a few people, and drag himself back to the dorm he shared with his younger brother; if he wasn't too intoxicated that was.
Edward Elric, most brilliant mind anyone had seen in years, people would say. Edward just scoffed at such statements, looking at the joint he'd lit and thought of the irony. 'Brilliant mind my ass,' he'd think as he adjusted the belts hanging from his hips and checked to make sure his eyeliner wasn't smudged yet.
The party was gross. The people were gross. Edward was gross, but he'd fallen into this lifestyle and had nowhere else to go now. The drugs kept him sane, the sex kept him sane, the escaping reality and believing that this life had no consequences kept him sane. Edward was always searching for his next escape. His life was a vanishing act.
"Ed, come up stairs," Two girls would coo to him and he'd keep his blank expression as he followed. He'd let them do as they wanted, pretending to be interested in their cheap lace and alcoholic breath. They'd fuss over him, making sure he had protection; he sure as fuck didn't want to father kids to these strangers.
Edward would leave them in the room, redoing his hair they'd so graciously pulled down. The music was quieter and people were leaving or passing out now. 'I want something stronger...' He thought, not wishing to just smoke after that disgusting, too much saliva and sticky makeup romp session, 'I think I have make-up on my dick,'
He'd go to the kid that supplied the weed; thank god he wasn't passed out. 'Sicko... who brings their little brother here?' Ed would think as he bribed the taller blond for something that was better than weed, 'not even sober enough to tell me the risks of this little pill,' But Ed took it anyway.
"Now to get home..." He muttered and stumbled out the door of the sleazy house.
He hated the life he had but like that aunt that wasn't really his aunt once said, 'You make your bed, now you have to lie in it,' God, Edward half wished he'd listened to that old crone now.
It was dark; it was also really fucking late as Edward struggled to get his key into the hole in the door, "Fuckkkk..." He slurred as he dropped said keys.
He was half tempted just to sleep against the door as he bent down and picked them up. Bending down was a bad idea as he struggled to keep the bile from rising. 'Those drugs don't seem to like tequila shots...'
"Finally..." He managed to get the door open after ten more minutes of struggling, the drugs were starting to kick in and hell he had no clue where he was or what he was doing anymore.
He swayed on the spot and looked around; small kitchen and joint living room, with two doors leading off from that, one to the shared bedroom and one to the bathroom. Edward could only think of throwing up as he stumbled to the kitchen sink.
Alphonse had heard his brother's commotions at the door. He moved swiftly from his bed and padded softly out of the bedroom. Alphonse had now accepted what his brother had become. Dependant on anything that supplied an alternative reality; he was skittish and broken. He would hide away. Alphonse was starting to think his brother was a lost cause; spending long nights drinking and fucking.
He should be used to it by now, but he couldn't stop that burn of anger and disgust in his gut. He longed for his brother. He begged for those childhood days when he could touch Edward without the elder flinching like Alphonse had just raised a hand to hit him, when he could play with his brother's hair till they fell asleep, when he used to steal kisses in the dark because back then, it was okay to love Edward that way.
He longed for Edward, craved that warmth and comfort of his elder brother's body. The body he sold to friends and whores alike but never, never, to his younger brother. Well, not that he knew of anyway. Alphonse had a secret; a disgusting, sinful secret.
Alphonse had settled into a ritual with his life. A boring, exhausting routine. Wake up, hurt, eat, check Edward, go to class, hurt, come home, check Edward was in class, accept that Edward wasn't coming home, hurt, make dinner for two, wait, sleep, repeat.
Lying. He'd become so good at that. He was fine, no it didn't hurt, he liked the silence, he liked being alone, he enjoyed the emptiness. Alphonse now stood in the middle of the living room, waiting for Edward to notice him, 'He didn't even shut the door...' Alphonse made a note of as his older brother stumbled to the kitchen sink.
"Welcome home brother," He whispered as he shut the door himself, Edward was finally home, his again.
The vomit burned, it filled his nose and mouth and blocked everything out. Edward was crying as he emptied his stomach contents into the sink. There wasn't any solid food, just a mix of alcohol, stomach acid and drugs that came up. Jesus fuck — it hurt coming up.
Panting, he leant against the cold metal of the tap and turned a handle to wash the vile smelling mess away. He cleaned his face and tried to rid his mouth of the taste. He hadn't heard Alphonse before but as he slumped down to the floor, his back to the cupboards, he saw the other.
'Sweet little Alphonse... I'm so sorry you have me for a big brother, I'm so fucked up, so messed up, and I'm sin. Nothing but sin in my blood, in my bones...' he thought. Edward couldn't get his eyes to focus as he got to his feet and tried to walk around the kitchen table instead of into it.
"Al..." He muttered, his voice still slurred, even if he felt more sober then he was upon arrival, "Did... Did I wake you," Nice Ed, be polite and pretend you're not high and weren't just vomiting in the sink.
"Oh no, I was waiting for you," Alphonse knew he could say anything really, Edward wouldn't remember in the morning.
As expected Edward nodded his head as he stopped in front of his younger brother. Alphonse gritted his teeth as he noted how intoxicated Edward was, 'This idiot's going to OD one day,' He had an idiot for a brother and it made him shake his head.
"Stupid," He whispered and reached to touch Edward's face, "You smell disgusting, brother,"
So drunk he couldn't even hear his younger brother demeaning him. As expected, Edward flinched and jerked his face back as Alphonse's hand brushed over his cheek. There was an animalistic growl and Al was worried Ed was going to attack him for a moment; it wouldn't be the first time.
There was a pause and calm returned. Alphonse suddenly thought of what he wanted. He wanted to take advantage of Edward. Press against him and take him in this weakened state, wrap him in his arms. It was sick how desperate he was for his brother's attention. It was probably because he'd been starved of such a thing for years.
Just looking at Edward gave him butterflies, it made him all giddy. There was a far away expression on Edward's face, his golden hair framing his face in just that right way and his tongue was darting out to lick his dry lips. Alphonse let out a shaking breath in response.
Edward was swaying way too much for his own liking. There were little lights dancing in front of his face. There were bugs and dirt on his skin. He could feel them crawling and burrowing. All he wanted was to scrub his skin till it came off. As the elder turned to head towards the bathroom he overbalanced, tripping on his own feet, and landed in Alphonse's waiting arms.
He felt a sudden tiredness and, like that, he was out cold in his brother's arms. He was gross, disgusting, scum, sin. Alphonse stroked Edwards's hair and held the other up to the best of his abilities. He could smell the alcohol on the other's breath as it came out in puffs against his neck. He should be disgusted but... he was so excited to have his breath against him. To have his big and most dear brother against him.
Alphonse adjusted his hold and Edward grumbled as he was half dragged, half carried to the bedroom and pushed onto his bed. Alphonse laid against the other a moment longer than he should have before standing up and swinging Ed's legs up onto the bed. God, he was disgusting.
Edward still loved him, loved him like a big brother should love his younger sibling. Alphonse slid Edward's combat boots off, unbuckled and pulled away the belts around Edward's waist, then straddled the unconscious elder.
Edward made soft noises that mingled with his breathing as Alphonse placed lips on Edward's collar bone. 'You shouldn't dress like such a slut, brother,' Al thought and fought the urge to rip at the leather pants and black wife-beater his brother was wearing.
Edward could feel a weight on him, it was warm and he wanted to reach for it, but he was floating away. His limbs wouldn't listen to him, his eyes wouldn't open; he was completely incapable of basic functions as he struggled to piece his jumbled mind together. 'What's going on? Where am I? Who's touching me?'
Alphonse sat back and looked down at Ed. He was so happy he could touch Edward when he was like this. His small hands ran over Edward's chest, feeling the toned muscles, pausing to toy with his nipples. Alphonse giggled as he leant down to kiss Edward's lips. He tasted like vomit but Al kissed him anyway. He sighed as he not-so-gracefully flopped beside Edward. 'Good night big brother, dream of me,' Alphonse thought and cuddled into the elder, 'you won't mind if I sleep beside you... it's not like you'll wake up before me,'
It was morning too soon for Edwards liking. The light burned his eyelids and the alarm echoed in his skull. The blonde slowly peeled his eyes open and tried to remember the night before but nothing surfaced. It was with a groan that he rolled from his bed and landed on all fours.
"Alphonse..." Edward whined, hoping his brother was still here as he crawled out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.
His skin still felt like it was crawling, he felt so dirty. He wanted to get clean but he hadn't felt clean in so long. He was never going to feel clean; it was just something he'd come to accept. He crawled into the bottom of the shower, still in his clothing from the night before and turned the water on.
He sat under the cold water, shivering, waiting for it to warm up. The cold made him feel more awake, more alive. He sat there, toying with the taps to change from hot-cold-hot-cold-hot-cold just to feel anything before he stood up and started scrubbing, stripping as he went.
Getting the vomit off, the remnants of sex, the dirt, the drugs, the sin. His skin was red from scrubbing when he was finished. He stumbled out of the shower, feeling fresh and less gross but internally he still couldn't get himself clean. 'What if I drank bleach?' he pondered with a sick grin.
Departing the bathroom, a towel around his waist and dripping hair, Edward searched for something to start getting high on. He couldn't go one fucking day without getting baked. Soon, he had a joint in hand as he proceeded to dry and dress for the day.
"Class is at 1," Ed muttered as brushed his hair back, reapplied his eyeliner and checked the time.
'12pm... Al should be back soon,' He'd need to finish the smoke before his brother walked in. It wasn't like Al hadn't known, he'd known ever since Ed started doing drugs and smoking. It was just that Al didn't like Ed to smoke around him or to have their dorm smell like the sick parties Ed spent all his time at.
Ed opened the windows and sat on a sill, flicking through a text book. While Al studied medical science, Ed followed their father in more traditional science of chemistry, biology and physics. He was aiming for a bachelors of advanced science when he finished college, not really sure what he'd do with it then. Al at least had worked out that he wanted to become a Chemist. 'I might just do that too honestly…'
Right on cue there was movement at the door before it opened and an awkward Alphonse stumbled in. He was only awkward due to the fact he was trying to carry books as well as walking with his crutches. Edward moved to help him, putting out the joint and throwing it out the window before walking over.
"Thanks, Brother," Alphonse smiled as Edward took his books and placed them on the table.
"Bad day?" Edward motioned to the crutches; Alphonse only used them when his body ached.
"Ah, it's okay," there he was with the lying again.
The younger Elric had been born with chronic pain in his bones and joints. It only got worse after the accident. Alphonse took pain medication three times a day just to get through, he could go most days just fine but others he couldn't leave his bed — it hurt so much. That same accident had taken their mother's life and two of Edward's limbs; the elder now had prosthetics.
Edward was kind enough to help Alphonse over to the couch and ask him about his day as he made his younger brother something to eat. The conversation was dull and just a silence filler. Neither really cared, they didn't have many conversations or spend time together these days. It left an ache in Alphonse that couldn't be fixed with his medication.
"I'll see you later then," The younger flashed a fleeting smile as he watched Edward leave.
Alphonse was so lonely these days. He may be kind to his classmates and teachers but there were only two people he'd call his friends. He'd always just relied on Edward, but high school was hell for the elder as he further derailed himself; the drifting from each other had begun then.
Alphonse's only friends were Winry Rockbell, the girl the Elrics had grown up with, out in the country, and Fletcher Tringham, a boy in his advanced chemistry class and the younger brother of Edward's drug dealer. They both grew tiring after time though and Al found himself longing for the company of the one person always absent in his life; Edward.
A/N: opinions and predictions would be much appreciated. [[Throws holy water around]]