I am nothing.
I am nothing.
I am nothing without her.
I am nothing without my Tris. My Six.
My bliss.
The absolute mix.
The one who gave me reason. Reason to believe that I wasn't a victim of abuse. That Marcus had no control over me. That I had no reason to be afraid of heights when I was with her, because she grew wings. She spread them and she flew. She soared through the air like she flew through my mind. The reason that no tight space could ever constrict me, because I am earth defiant. I am shatter proof, but the box is not. I can break free from any tight grip. She's the one who knew that innocent people deserved to live. She knew that killing those who did not need to be killed was wrong. She understood me.
And now she's gone.
The light in my dark. Why can't I hold on?
It comes and goes. In waves.
Whenever I see her, she slips through my fingers. She won't look at me. Not after what I did. The pain I've caused her is too dear, and I understand that. But I beg her forgiveness. Not that I am ever acknowledged. Ever. She will never look at me again. The look she gives me is one a putrid disgust that, quite frankly, I embrace. It is all I deserve. But I want her. I need her in my life. If I don't, then I have no reason.
No reason to carry on with this miserable existence. The four fears I had have multiplied. Every situation that I must face without her being there in my life is one that scares me. I am no Dauntless. I am no man. I am no human.
The boy I used to know would be ashamed of this shell I have become.
But there is a light.
In the dark. And I feel the warm embrace it gives me.
It comes and goes. In waves.
Day after day, I pass her in the hall. She chats to Christina and doesn't even satisfy me with a look. I reach out an arm and try to stop her, but she flinches away, as if she knows it will happen.
But I didn't mean to do it. I swear Tris. I promise you, I didn't mean to do this to you. I understand what I did was wrong, but I thought it was the right decision. When I pulled the trigger, I shot to kill. No words or apologies can ever fix that. I know it can't. But what Al did to you was sickening. And Peter. If he ever leaves the ICU, then I will take it sourly.
But then despite this all, I was blessed. Blessed to have you in my life. Not only a first time, but a second time.
When you forgave me, it was as if a new man was spawned in my place. The crazed, manic shape of Tobias Eton was given new life. A fresh breath of air. This is where we are now. I tread carefully, knowing the anger and distrust is there. I know it will take you a long time to love me. Again.
But I'd still do it again. I'd do it over and over. I'd kill everybody in the world if it meant keeping you safe from harm. Because you complete me. You are Six. You are my Six. I am your Four. Funny. I have your back, and I know you have my six.
I am nothing.
I am nothing.
I am nothing without him.
I am nothing without my Tobias. My Four.
My bias.
My absolute more.
You found me, a girl who didn't know who she was. A girl who still doesn't know who you are. Not entirely. I forgave you for what you did, and the whole time I ignored you, I did it with a sting in my eyes. When they threaten what we have it's a natural reaction. I know you'll lay any many on their back for me, in a second flat for me.
Because in my eyes, even when you are wrong, you are right.
I believe ever word that you said. Just one kiss and you make me forget.
You don't know how far I'd be willing to go. You destroy my moral code. You found me as Beatrice Prior. You moulded me into Tris. Then you destroyed me.
I will let you repair me. Forgive my weary hands. Forgive what they may do. I'll carry out your plans, if you want me to.
I won't falter. I won't waver.
I wake, and see him. The glistening sweat from his tattooed back soaking the sheets. I sit up the bed, and lie with an arm over his steaming body. He clutches my hand as if it is the only thing connecting him to this world and the next one. Then with one jerk and a sudden gasp of air, he wakes. He sprawls up in the bed, taking my hand with him, and when I rub his matted hair he calms down. Looking into my eyes, he breathes heavily. "Please don't ever leave me. Don't ever let me leave you." He whispers, but I can only register the words as ear piercing.
"I wouldn't dream of it." I look at him, then smile to reassure his tired face. "I would miss that pretty face of yours" I giggle, pressing my face into his wet chest. He turns to that my back is on the bed, and he has a leg over either side of my body.
"I love you" he whispers as his lips gently brush my jugular vein, then to my jawline.
His lips caress up and down my shoulder and neck. He makes it all worth it. He's perfect. He moves slowly down my body now, his hands punning my own behind my head, making it all the more exciting. When he reaches my belly button, he looks up with a grin, and misses out the part he knows I wanted him to go to next. His soft tender lips send currents pulsating throughout my body as they touch my thighs, and he works his way down even still. My face still glaring at the ceiling, my hands gripping the pillows. He kisses the top of my foot, and I wait for him to appear back into my field of view, but he doesn't. "Don't you ever, ever leave me Tobias Eaton." I moan deeply.
"Wouldn't dream of it. Tris Eaton?"
I look down at him, as he holds open a small black box, ring inside, as he is perched on his right knee on the floor.
We are something.
We are something.
We are something together.
I am his Six.
He is my Four.