And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom I've never known the loving of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
"turn this off" I told Finn and he quickly muted the radio. I looked up at the sky. Why was it bright? Why was it warm and sunny? Why is it so cheery when my insides feel like someone burned, beat and froze them. I grit my teeth as pressure builds up behind my eyes. "Burt...honey" I heard and was shook from my haze. Carole was offering a forced smile and holding my hand. I can't do this, i think. I shake my head forcing my tears back. Finn is already in tears, silent sobs. I get out of the car, stupid sun, stupid birds chirping. Stupid life. Puck walks up to me and i see he's in a suit and i wonder, I've never seen him in a suit he looks nice. I notice all the cars are here and there all black just like my life now. Kurt's Glee friends are all crying and hugging and it makes me angry because im his father and they should no how i feel.
The sharp knife of a short life Well, I've had just enough time
Did i mention I hate this song. Suddenly that black haired boy walks up to me and I dont want him to because he's crying and i'm afraid I will to. He pats my shoulder, he bites his lip and I hear a noise from someone, only to realize it's me. Blaine, yeah that's it now I remember. I nod to him and it's like I'm not really here I'm just floating. Suddenly that brown haired annoying girl is grabbing my arm and sobbing telling me everything is alright and did Kurt except Jesus before he died. And that word bore into my soul. Died died died. I can feel myself breaking down. Wasn't I the one that promised Kurt I'd never let anyone hurt him. As I walk in towards the building people going ahead of me, Im the last one. Suddenly I feel a cold chill and something on my hand. A pressure like someone is holding it. I look down and swear I can smell Kurts weird perfumes His small hand grasped against mine. "Kurt?" I say aloud and a whisper floats through the wind. No not a whisper a sigh. And now I'm thinking I can't go on without him. Life isn't worth it anymore. "Burt? Burt?" someone is saying but I'm still focused on the small pressure on my hand. Finally I look up Puck and Finn. Something crosses my mind. Why is Puck here? He use to torture Kurt relentlessly. But then I wonder so did Finn. Now there leading me inside and another thought fills me. Well if they didn't care they wouldn't be here so obviously deep down they cared for Kurt deeply. A couple men walk in front of me and tell me something. "excuse me?" I reply because I'm not sure I hear them right. "we want you to dress your son for the funeral". I feel tears spill down my face. The last time I will ever touch or see my son in forever. Before he'd buried six feet under ground. No they can't. I nod and follow them to a medium sized room. I walk in they tell me they'll leave me alone. More tears. I see the lifeless body laying on the gurney. "ohmygod Kurt" I cry and lose it. I can't look at him. "oh god Kurt" I walk over seeing his swollen neck and bruised face. Anger rises in me. How? Why? His small arms are laying across his stomach. His beloved hair falling in tuffs in his face. I swallow and walk alittle closer. He's dressed in the outfit he died in. That's terrible couldn't they of changed him, I thought miserably. I look over at the outfit I picked out fresh and new because that's what he would have wanted. A clean, chic new outfit. Marc Jacobs or something. I sniff resisting the urge to grab my son and sob until he wakes up. I wonder why I deserved this. First my wife now my most beloved possession. Slowly I dress him seeing his tattered and beaten body. The monster that did this Should be hung and shot in the face repeatedly. Worse I could do so much worse to this monster.
He looks a lot like his mother and I hope he's with her. She's holding him telling him it's okay and not to be afraid.
Who would have thought forever could be severed by The sharp knife of a short life
I imagine him and his mom standing together before the great gates of heaven. Shining and new. But then my daydream is damaged by the realization of Kurts nonreligion. It never bothered me and frankly I don't know what happens when you pass away but I hope it's good. Putting his clothes on nearly killed me, and when I was finished I felt empty or gutted. Just numb.
I ran my finger across his cheekbone tracing the way his mouth seemed to be in a pout. I held his hands and kissed the raw and cut spots from a rope that has restrained him. Felt tears fall off my face and fall onto his shirt. I'm wanting someone to blame for my ultimate sadness. Why my life was so miserable. And I think. God. He took Elizabeth? And now Kurt who was only sixteen, and he deserved to live.
Now I'm sobbing wishing I would have listened. When I was directing my attention to Carole those days when Kurt would come home so depressed. And I was to stupid to even notice. I mean I'm his father! I'm suppose to know. I just wish I could have been there more...
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing Funny, when you're dead how people start listening
Caroles walking in now telling me it's about to begin. I want to scream, and cry and hold Kurt untill this is all fake. Nothing but a terrible nightmare. And I'm breaking down, telling her I can't leave him...just in case. And her face twists into a painful look and now she's making this about her. "at least you still have your son!" I cry and touch Kurts forehead. The warmness that I swear was there was replaced by a clammy, cold feeling. Now people are leading me out and telling me to sit down. I that song is right. Life ain't always what it seems to be. My heart is tearing clear in two. And just like Kurt would have wanted his Glee Club members take turns singing. There all really nice songs. A picture of Kurt is up by his casket. It's a good picture he would have liked it. Then Blaine is walking up there talking about how he could never love anybody else. And he starts strumming his guitar, and now I'm angry because he's playing that song. Yet as I listen a light fills me and I can just see Kurt hand in hand with his mother, not exactly excited but happy.