Spawned from several conversations on twitter that amounted to "GUYS, GUYS, WHAT IF THEY JUST MADE OUT INSTEAD OF MEETING WREATH AND GETTING THE NECROMANCY MURDER RING"
Title is from Hozier's "Like Real People Do". Dialogue from the first few paragraphs is Derek Landy's, obviously.
Extremely self indulgent, which hopefully means you will enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. Enjoy!
"So," Valkyrie said, turning to him with a bounce in her step.
"So," he echoed, looking at her and feeling his fake mouth started to twitch upwards in a smile.
"It's my eighteenth," she said, and Skulduggery thought he heard an emphasis on the last word.
"Yes it is," he agreed, removing a piece of lint from the arm of his suit.
"The big one eight," Valkyrie said, the emphasis more pronounced now. "I'm an adult now," she continued. "Technically."
"Technically."
Valkyrie pressed her lips together. "It's an important birthday."
In the mortal world, perhaps, he thought, but instead, he tilted his head at her. "Well, you're doing fine so far."
Her laugh bordered on flirtatious, which was distracting enough that he almost missed her question.
"Did you … you know, did you get me a present?"
Ah. He thought. Not flirtatious. Demanding. He tilted his head.
"Did you want me to get you a present?"
The sweet smile fell off her face in an instant, and a creased formed on her forehead. "Of course."
The elevators door opened and she slipped between them, a bit too quickly. Skulduggery frowned.
"I see," he said to her back, feeling the need for damage control. "Do you have any … suggestions?" He had considered giving her a key to the Bentley, but with her new colorful transportation, it seemed a little redundant.
His partner's voice was curt, and her feet fell heavily on the hotel's plush carpeting. "I think you know me well enough by now to figure it out for yourself."
His frown deepened. "You're mad at me."
"No, I'm not," Valkyrie replied, too quickly to be even attempting to sound genuine.
"Despite my handsome face, you are."
Valkyrie spun around. "Yes," she snapped. "I am mad at you. People buy presents for people who are important to them." Her hands twitched at her sides, like she was still deciding whether or not to punch him. "After all this time, I didn't think I had to tell you to buy me a present."
Skulduggery tilted his head back defiantly. "And I didn't think I had to buy you a present to prove you're important to me."
She blinked, mouth slightly agape. "Well," she started. "I mean." She looked at him, and then looked away quickly. "You don't, but… but that's not the point. It's not about proving it, it's about showing it."
He looked at her. "You want me to show you how I feel."
"Yes," Valkyrie said, crossing her arms.
He swallowed, his mouth feeling dry somehow. "Are you … sure?"
"Of course I am," she said, "why wouldn't I-"
He cupped her chin with a gloved hand and pressed his lips to hers before he could think better of it.
He released her after a moment, face red and arms lying limply at his sides.
Valkyrie looked up at him, dark eyes wide and face flushed, and he fought the urge to run back towards the elevator. Skulduggery could see the questions forming in her mind, and he wasn't sure if he was even capable of answering them. He reached over her head, preparing to knock on the penthouse's door.
Seeing him would kill all impractical urges, he thought, mind still reeling over his actions. What was he thinking? The fact she was an adult was in no way permission to do that, and he was – he was -
He was being pulled back down to Valkyrie's level by his tie, and his hat was being knocked off as she dug her fingers into his fake hair and kissed him on his fake mouth.
Skulduggery's eyes remained open, his hands static in the air, dimly aware that he probably looked like a stunned goldfish before some instinct 400 years forgotten kicked in.
He tilted his head to deepen the kiss and felt Valkyrie's smile, and if felt that if still had internal organs, his heart rate would be in dangerous territory.
He was really glad, he thought, a tad deliriously, he had not been misinterpreting her hints.
And he certainly knew what she was thinking now. Her arm was around his neck for leverage, and she was making those wonderful breathless noises he had to try to pretend he never heard while she was dating Fletcher. She bit down on his lower lip, and he was suddenly very glad he could feel pain. And other things.
Sensations mixed, until he couldn't tell apart the real feelings from the phantom ones. She tasted faintly of cake – which was odd, as he had assumed taste was something he had long since lost. Perhaps the façade had managed to reactivate it. He had never thought that possible.
Then again, Skulduggery thought, he didn't ever think he'd be using his tongue quite like this ever again.
She dragged him closer towards her eagerly, remembering the penthouse door too late. She collided with the door, and her mouth separated from Skulduggery's for an instance so she could swear under her breath. His forehead rested against hers.
"We should probably move," Valkyrie said breathlessly. "Whoever's in there-"
He knew exactly who was in there, and the thought brought a very smug smile to his face as he leaned down to silence her protests.
They were against the neighboring wall when Solomon Wreath opened his door, took one look at the two of them, and slammed it shut without a word.
Valkyrie stared at Skulduggery, the door, and then back at Skulduggery, who was trying to stop grinning and failing rather badly.
"Oh my god," she said. "You – you did that on purpose."
"Possibly," he admitted.
"You're terrible."
"Oh," Skulduggery said. "Is that the case? Because if you'd rather be kissing him…" he started to pull away from her hold, and she dragged him back.
"Damn you," Valkyrie said. "Damn you and your really hot face."
"It's a curse," he replied, and brought her towards him again. She pushed him away after a few moments, eyes bright and lips already swollen.
"We really should get out of the hallway," she said.
"We can knock on Wreath's door again," Skulduggery suggested, and she swatted him. She had a point, though. He didn't normally put an arm around her in public, let alone ... well.
She certainly had an effect on him.
Skulduggery recovered his hat from the floor and wiped the dust off before replacing it on his head. He let her take his hand and led him back to the elevators, and they pressed the button at the same time.
Valkyrie wiped her mouth, and she scowled at his reaction. "Stop smirking."
"You are quite literally drooling over me."
"Oh my god. It's not going to continue if you keep this up."
"Sorry, dear," he said, and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead.
She made a half hearted angry noise before the elevator doors opened, and they promptly had better things to do. Valkyrie pressed him against the elevator wall and as he kissed her neck and jaw and nipped lightly at her ear, he found himself humming along with The Girl From Ipanema as it played in the background.
She pushed him back with her hand a fraction so she could zip off her jacket, and he laughed, and then he saw her shirt and frowned.
"What?" she said, almost defensive. The shirt had thin straps and revealed more skin than her shirts usually did. But that wasn't the problem.
"It's pink," he said.
"So?"
"You never wear pink."
"I look good in it," she said. "Don't deny it."
"Fair enough," he said, his hand finding her hip and pulling her back towards him. "But…"
"If you don't like it," she said, teasingly, "by all means, take it off."
Skulduggery kissed her again before she could tease him over the fact his fake face now matched her shirt.
Her jacket was kicked neatly into the corner when the elevator beeped and came to a stop. He pulled back from a protesting Valkyrie, relatively certain this was not the first floor, when a group of men wearing suits came through the elevator doors.
They separated with a jolt, and Skulduggery could feel the suspicious glance of one of the businessmen as they all talked into their phones and did whatever mortal business men did.
"We should continue," Valkyrie whispered into his fake ear, keeping her eyes on the men's backs.
"No."
"Come on."
"You can wait a minute."
"I actually can't."
"Are you sure you're –" his voice cut off suddenly. "Did – did you just stick your hand down my trousers?"
"Maybe," she said, and while he was keeping his eyes very firmly on the elevator doors, he could hear the smirk in her voice.
"You do know that this isn't a full body façade, correct?" Skulduggery said, fighting to keep his voice down. "This doesn't actually have an effect on me."
"Doesn't it?" Valkyrie asked, voice teasing.
Skulduggery stayed silent, and she laughed, and traced his bones with a light touch.
Damn her, he thought, but mostly, damn every single businessman keeping them from continuing right this moment.
The elevator reached the first floor and the elevator's other inhabitants quickly scattered. Valkyrie removed her hand from his trousers and recovered her jacket, looking fairly smug as she did so.
They walked out of the hotel like two people badly concealing a secret, and he didn't protest when she dragged him behind the back and against a wall. He hadn't kissed her in what – three, four minutes?
It was far too long.
Skulduggery tilted his head and leaned in slowly for a kiss. He could feel her eyelashes against his face – but somehow her lips weren't on his.
He put a hand to his mouth, and then quickly realized he no longer had lips to speak of.
Valkyrie blinked.
"… The façade timed out," Skulduggery realized, his hand against his fleshless cheek. "I – I had completely forgotten." He adjusted his hat, glad he no longer had to meet her eyes.
Valkyrie didn't say anything, and he felt himself keep talking simply to fill the silence.
"We can wait. It'll reactivate in twenty minutes. Or we can … not. We can – if you …"
He was stopped by Valkyrie placing her hand at the back of his skull and kissing him, long and sweet, right on the teeth.
"Moron," she said, voice affectionate. "Did you seriously think I only wanted to kiss you because your façade was hot?"
"… You did make a rather big deal out of it."
"Well, yeah. It was really hot."
He looked away. "That doesn't really help."
"Oh my god," Valkyrie said, sounding frustrated. "Do you know how much would be resolved if you just listened to what I said?"
"I heard you the first ten times," he said, sulking slightly, and Valkyrie scoffed.
"When I said it the first time," she said. "What did I say?"
"That it suited me."
She raised her eyebrows, like that explained everything.
Skulduggery tilted his head.
"Oh my god. You are hopeless." Valkyrie put her face in her hands. "I meant you are hot. You are really, really hot, hotter than someone who is my mentor and best friend – and a skeleton on top of that - should be, and the more attractive than usual façade was an excuse for me to tell you that without making a fool of myself."
"Oh," he said, very quietly.
"Yeah," she said, looking down.
Somehow this felt more intimate than anything in the hotel. A few moments pasted, the only sound the distant noises of traffic and the wind lightly picking up.
"… I feel the same way about you," Skulduggery said, quietly.
"I got that," she said, with a small smile. "Seeing as you couldn't take your hands off of me."
"You were the one who was constantly reminding me of how old you were."
"You can be extremely dense for a very smart man."
"Agreed," he said, and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her again.
She pulled away after a few minutes, thoughtful expression on her face.
"Hmm," Valkyrie said. "Definitely noticing the lack of tongue, but not bad."
"The night is still young," Skulduggery said, and she grinned.
"Don't think all this kissing means you don't owe me a birthday present," she said, scolding. "I'm still mad about that."
"I am well aware," he said, seriously, pushing a strand of hair out of her face and traced his hand against her cheek. "Happy birthday, Valkyrie."