This is a stupid idea that's been running through my head for a while now. I just need to get it typed and over with. There will be some significant differences between the original Haruhi character and the Haruhi in this fanfic. This is simply because I am sooooo different from Kyon.
I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya no Yuutsu (although that would be awesome!). I ownly own my own character.
Kyon's shoes
The topic of when I stopped believing in Santa Clause is so trivial, I wouldn't bother to even refer to it as idle chatter. If you still want to know when I stopped believing in a fat guy who breaks into people houses and leaves commercialized gifts under a dying pine tree, all I can say is this:
I stopped believing in third grade. That was the year I slept in the fireplace.
Other anomalies, however, are a different story. Things like aliens, time-travelers, and mentally endowed humans have always woven their way through my imagination. I honestly think I still (subconsciously at least) believe in their existence.
These subconscious beliefs returned to the front of my mind when my family moved to Japan. I was forced into a local high school and to try to cope without any knowledge of Japanese.
On the first day, I tried to avoid people. This is mostly due to the fact that I have some sort of fear of talking to people who don't know the person behind this brutish exterior.
I sat in a seat in almost the direct center of the classroom. Could I be any dumber? About five minutes later an attractive, popular-looking girl sat in the desk behind me. Oh, wonderful, the last thing I need is to be seated in front of one of those girls who always makes herself look stupid and yet smart.
Our teacher, Okabe-sensei or something, arrived a few minutes late and said something in Japanese. From the little Japanese that I did know, I figured it was some sort of apology. He then went on a thirty-minute monologue about baseball or something. This will be a difficult three years.
"Now I understand that we have a new transfer student," Okabe-sensei surprised me with fluent English. "So why don't we do our introductions in English for him."
I think at this point I was a little flustered from all this unnecessary attention. I then sat through fifteen minutes of introductions until it was finally my turn to speak.
"Uh... hi," I started shakily, "my name is Isaac ******** and I'm from ***** ****** School in *********, Tennessee. I hope I can learn to speak Japanese as well I do English before this year is through. Thank you." And I sat down awkwardly after that blunt conclusion... what an idiot!
It was then the girl-behind-me's turn to introduce herself.
"My name is Haruhi Suszumiya, from East Jr. High. Let me just start off by saying: I'm not interested in ordinary humans. However, if any of you are aliens, time travelers, or espers, please come see me. That is all." She remained standing for a while before sitting down. During the awkward silence when almost everybody else was staring at her, I focused my vision intently on a stray chalk mark on the blackboard. Inside my head, thoughts buzzed.
I was so deep in thought that I almost completely ignored the rest of the introductions. The exception being this one kid who's name sounds remarkably like Tamagotchi.
The next day I decided to have a quick chat with Haruhi.
"That was some pretty crazy stuff you said yesterday... were you serious about that?" I asked tentatively without turning around. "I mean about the aliens et al."
"Why, are you an alien or something?" she retorted.
I turned in my seat to see a completely serious face. "I don't think I should answer that question at this moment..." Isaac you idiot!
"Then why bother talking to me?" Haruhi half-shouted. "If you don't want to explain yourself to me then don't waste my time with stupid questions."
When all else fails, insult thine self. "Hey, I may be stupid, but at least I'm ugly!" This drew a perplexed and frustrated look onto Haruhi's face. Check mate!
"Shut up!" was that her best response to self-ridicule? I decided to turn around and focus on another stray mark on the chalkboard. That was when I noticed the other students around me. The girls were giggling and the guys were gesturing strangely towards me. Will I ever understand the Japanese?
Later that day, during the one hour lunch break, Tamagot... er, Taniguchi was explaining Haruhi.
"I telling you," he said in broken English, "Haruhi is crazy. I were in her class three years. She never did normal things. You ever hear 'Quad Scribbles Incident'?"
"No," both I and another nearby freshman said simultaneously.
"Haruhi used thing that is used to write white lines on football field to write weird symbol on school quad. She even admit to it." Taniguchi explained.
"Yeah," the other freshman said, "I think read about that in the local news articles. It look like a messed up Nazca drawing."
"Then there was a time she..." I spaced out to look out the window. I noticed Haruhi standing on the roof of a nearby building. What's she up to?
"But she's not hard to see, you know," Taniguch continued. "She got great body and she super athletic. All the similar, I suggest you avoid Haruhi."
"Why's that?" I asked, not really paying attention.
"She goes through phases," Taniguchi started looking almost nostalgic. "There was time when she dates one guy after other after other. I think longest relation were two weeks. The shortest were when a guy ask her out, she say yes, then dump his butt five minutes later."
"Then why'd you say 'okay'?" I asked out of pure curiosity.
"Hm?... No! It weren't me, It was just story I hear." He hurriedly explained. Liar! "Don't go getting ideas, Isaac. Take advice: Forget it!"
What's to forget? Did he think I... naaaahhhh...
Later, we were on the bleachers along side the sprint course.
"If I was you," Taniguchi said, "there be only one girl I'd go for: her." He pointed to a blue-haired girl at the finish line. "Ryoko Asakura, she's in top three freshman girls!"
"Wait!" I half-shouted, "you mean to tell me you've 'checked out' every new girl at school already? You're even worse than Paul!" Damn-it, Isaac, don't start thinking about your old friends. Lukily Taniguchi ignored this last part.
"Heck, yeah!" Taniguchi excitedly retorted, "I rank all of them from A to D. I memory first name of all A-list girls!" This guy is creeping me out... officially.
"Really?" the other guy (who I now know as Kunikida) asked. "What's Asakura's rating?"
"AA+!" Taniguchi exclaimed with a blinding smile.
During all of this, Haruhi seemed pretty normal... with a few exceptions. There were certain eccentricities that even an oblivious American couldn't miss.
Haruhi-ism numero uno: Her ever-changing hairstyles. On Monday she wore her hair down, no ribbons, no braids. Tuesday, she tied her hair into a single ponytail or braid. Wednesday, she tied off her hair in two places. This sometimes made her look a little like Chun-Li from Street Fighter. Thursday, she tied off her hair in a third position, which began to look a little cluttered. Friday, a fourth tie-off point! I wonder what she does on Sundays? As if I'd ever see that... As the days went by, she increased the number of places where her hair was tied off. She'd reset this on Monday.
Haruhi-ism number two: She doesn't care what we think. Every day, before gym class, the guys and girls separate to change into their gym clothes. Haruhi didn't like to wait for the guys to leave the room. She just abruptly began changing when the bell rang. Asakura had to force Taniguchi and the other perverts (including myself) out into the hallway with the help of several other girls.
Haruhi-ism kendro gurig: Haruhi has a decision making problem. She joined every single club and sports team for a brief amount of time before turning her back on the group. All the sports teams begged for her to join, yet she said no. Though I'm no jock, I still know better than to turn down someone who honestly believes you're really good at... whatever it is you're good at. Now that I think about it, I think I should join the art club, but something is holding me back...
Before I knew it, the Golden Week vacation (whatever that is) had come and gone. When I got to the classroom I noticed Haruhi had her hair in Chun-Li buns again. I guess it must be Wednesday. I honestly have no idea of what possessed me to do what I did next.
"Why do you change your hairstyle daily because it synthesizes time-travel?" I asked non-sarcastically.
"So, when did you notice?" Haruhi responded. I was surprised, I expected her to tell me to shut up or something.
"Second day of school, actually," I replied honestly. I guess I'm smarter than the average American, huh?
"I see..." she said softly as she turned her head away. Sure, Haruhi, avoid looking at the beast and it will go away! I guess I'll just turn around then... "Actually I have this theory," Haruhi interrupted my slow turn back to the front with her explaination, "that every day gives off a different image. Monday is yellow, Tuesday's red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday's green, Friday's gold, Saturday is btown, and Sunday absolutely has to be white." I have no idea what she's talking about... I must be a worse artist than I thought...
"So, on mathematical terms, Monday is zero and Sunday is six, right?" I inquired.
"Right," she replied flatly.
"I think you should be a little more spontaneous," I suggested. "Y'know, mix up the numbers and colors to surprise those who have noticed your pattern."
"Right, this coming from a guy who has the same mop-crop on his head every day," was her angry retort.
"It's called a mullet!" I retorted. "Besides, it was only my opinion."
"No one asked for your opinion did they?" she spat venom at me. Then she turned her head towards mine and examined my face the point that I was almost as creeped out as I was by Taniguchi. "Have I met you before?" Haruhi finally asked.
"I suppose it's possible, seeing as there are no constants when certain variable are in affect," I said, trying to confuse her again. She just sighed and looked towards the windows. I decide to turn back to the front of the room. I still can't believe Haruhi replied in a half-decent way. I was expecting something like 'shut up, stupid' or 'stupid westerner.'
When I arrived at school the next day to see Haruhi with all her hair chopped off and in a small pony tail, I was shocked to say the least.
"Don't you think cutting off most of your hair and still trying to make it into a pony tail is a little... eccentric?" I asked tentatively.
Not looking away from the window, she simply said, "not really."
Ever since that day, talking to Haruhi right before home room had become sort of a routine of mine. I can't believe the question I asked her, though. I mean, I don't even care about that kind of stuff.
"So, is it true you've dumped every guy you've dated?" I asked hesitantly.
"What gives you the right to ask me a personal question like that?" Haruhi asked in exasperation. "Whatever, I don't care what you've heard. It's probably true anyway."
"Good to hear," I half-chuckled, "because if they had dumped you, I'd hate to know what would happen to 'em." I smiled broadly.
"They would have dumped me anyway," Haruhi said nonchalantly. "They were all WAY to serious. Not one of them was a time-traveler, alien, or even an esper. It seems as though every male in the entire universe is pathetic!" Excuse me? Did I just hear what I think I heard?
"So would you be into someone like an alien?" I asked stupidly.
"Yeah, an alien would be great! As long as they're not normal, I wouldn't care if it was a guy or a girl." Haruhi, do you realize what you are making my brain do? Damn Yuri addiction!
"What about the possibility of an alien species with more than two genders?" I wonder if she'll figure out...
"I hadn't thought about that..."
"Anyway, why do you have to date a non-human?" I asked.
"Because that makes life more interesting!" This final outburst ended the conversation.
At the beginning of the lunch break, Haruhi stood up and left the room. Before I could wonder too long, I was confronted by Taniguchi.
"Isaac, I need know what magic you use!" he said in his still broken English. "I never see Haruhi talk long before, what you said?" I honestly don't know. As far as I remember, it was just some random babbling.
Ryoko Asakura then walked up to us and said, "I want to know how you do it. No matter what I say, Haruhi always ignores me. What do you do?"
"If I knew, I'd tell you, but since I don't..." I let my comment linger.
"Perhaps you could act as our ... spokesperson to Haruhi...?" Asakura suggested. I was about to reject. "Pretty please?" shit! How did she know I have a weakness for... oh right, I have male human DNA...
Everyone has become idiots!
Okabe-sensei decided we should switch seats one random day. I picked a number out of a cookie tin that landed me in the desk second from the back right next to the windows. I half-hoped Haruhi would be seated somewhere nearby, but there was a miniscule chance of that happening.
Weird coincidence, she ended up in the seat directly behind mine... again...
I turned around to spark up another conversation. "I heard you scouted al the clubs in school, let me know if there are any interesting ones."
"Absolutely none," she said with conviction. It was a little to brief of a conversation for me to drop it there.
"Aren't there any that you think might be at least a little interesting?" I might be pushing my luck here.
"No, just some Sherlock Holmes fans and a bunch of occult freaks." She replied without averting her gaze from the window. "I wish there were some interesting club out there."
"Why not make your own?" I suggested.
She stared at me blankly, "go on..."
"Well, when what people want doesn't exist, someone with the ingenuity and intelligence to do so creates what they want. Think of the Wright brothers, Henry Ford, Benjamin Faranklin, and-"
"Give me a non-American example, idiot!" Haruhi growled in frustration.
"Uh... how 'bout Hamurabi, Romulus, and uhhhhhh..." I am so stupid!
"Shut up and let me think for myself..." Haruhi mumbled as the stared back out the window. I have a bad feeling about what I've just done... It's strangely enjoyable...
Later that day, during class, Haruhi grabbed the back of my uniform and slammed my head against the front ledge of her desk.
I let out a weak "ow..." before cautiously turning my head to look at the pony-tailed menace. "Why?" I asked in the same creaky whisper.
"I've got an idea!" she shouted excitedly. "if it doesn't already exist I'll just make my own!"
"Make your own what?" I asked shakily.
"Make a club!" the smile she put on was shining brighter than Tokyo at night.
"Shouldn't you wait until after class?" I asked, pointing my finger towards the front board. She sat back quietly. Does she really think she can make outbursts like that in the middle of class?
When the bell rang signaling the end of morning classes, Haruhi grabbed me by my uniform's tie and dragged me out of the classroom and up the stairs faster than I could blink. Still holding my tie she decided to fill me in.
"You're going to help!" she shouted. I feel like I'm in a bad sitcom...
"Wouldn't it be easier to ask me nicely to follow you, rather than having you drag me up here?" I asked in partial terror. "I would've said yes to helping you either way, honestly."
"I need you to find out what paperwork needs to be done to create a club. I'm going to go find a room and some members," Haruhi never ceases to amaze me.
Rules for new club creation:
5+ members
name
name of person in charge
purpose of organization
There's nothing for me to do... just how I like it!
Only a few short minutes later, I found myself being forced along the school's halls once again by Haruhi. She pulled me through a door over which was a sign that read: 'Literature club.'
"This is going to be our new club room!" Haruhi shouted excitedly.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"This is the old building. This is the place where clubs that don't require specific rooms come to meet. This was the Literary club's room." She explained. "All the senior members graduated, so the only member left is this freshman," she walked over and put her hand on a grey-haired girl's shoulder. The girl lifted her head from the book she was reading.
"Yuki Nagato," she said before returning to her reading.
"So, Ms. Nagato," I inquired, trying my best to be polite, "Can we use this room for Haruhi's club?" I was met with a nod. "Alright, work's for me!"
"It's settled then!" Haruhi shouted. "From now on we'll meet in this room every day after school. If you show up even a second late, it'll be the death penalty!"
"Honestly, Haruhi, can't you be a little more creative with your punishments?" I said only half-sarcastically.
On our way back to class, Haruhi explained the remaining requirements we hadn't yet met... which were all of them. Somehow Yuki had been included as a member of this crazy club already.
The next day after class, Haruhi excitedly shouted "I'll meet you there" then bolted from the classroom. I found myself eagerly jogging to the clubroom.
"So," I said to Yuki, who was already in the room, "what are you reading?" She held up the book so I could see the cover. "Sorry, but I can't read Japanese." I explained in embarrassment.
"Dune," she said simply.
Ah, Dune, I do have such fond memories of reading that book in eighth grade. "What d'you think of it?" I asked.
"Unique," she said. Why all the single-word answers?
"I see..." I said as I sat down in one of the chairs around the long central table.
Haruhi burst in with her Tokyo-bright grin. "Sorry I'm late! I got a little behind because it took me forever to catch her!" She pulled her prisoner in through the door. Another girl? My stupid human-esque brain is thinking some pretty messed up stuff right now.
The red-head began asking questions in Japanese. That's when Haruhi locked the door. The questions became more and more frantic.
Haruhi whispered something else in Japanese. The new girl cringed. "Allow me to introduce Mikuru Asahina!"
"Where'd she come from?" I asked with multiple emotions rolling off my tongue at once.
"I found her daydreaming her brains out in a Junior classroom. I make a point of searching every inch of this school during lunch break." Haruhi's grin got about a yard wider.
"I'd question your reasoning, but I know it wouldn't go anywhere anyway..." I started. "Oh, who am I kidding! Why did you pick her of all the juniors?"
"You really are a westerner!" Haruhi scouled. "Just look at her! She's adorable!"
"Pervert," I regret nothing!
"Best part is," Haruhi slid behind Mikuru and grabbed her... upper erogenous... breasts, Haruhi grabbed Mikuru Asahina's breasts. "She has enormous brests! I mean her face is so cute and her boobies are so big! It kinda pisses me off." Haruhi then released the girl from her grasp and walked over to me. "go on, feel 'em!"
At the sight of Ms. Asahina cowering I decided to ignore my testosterone. "I think I'll pass, no matter how tempted I am."
"So now we have a moe character in our club," Haruhi explained to me.
"I wish I didn't understand what you just said, but unfortunately, I did. Please don't say it again or I may be forced to... nevermind..." I remembered I was in Japan, not Tennessee.
"Isaac, you confuse and disturb me," Haruhi stated bluntly. "Back to business. I though that our new club needed a mascot, when I saw Mikuru, I knew it had to be her. Mikuru, are you a member of any other clubs?"
"T-the calligraphy club," Mikuru said in English.
"Just quit that one," I said with an air of self-importance. "It'll only get in the way of Haruhi's club."
Mikuru looked to Yuki and said. "Alright, I understand... I'll quit the calligraphy club. I'm just not sure what it is the literary club does."
"We're not the literary club," Haruhi explained, "we're the SOS Brigade and we're just using this room because the literary club has been disbanded."
"When did we become the SOS Brigade?" I asked in exasporation.
"Just now," Haruhi replied. I'd prefer not to go over the acronym, as the translation is a little varying.
And so it ways decided: we will be called the SOS Brigade. Do I smell my leas favorite meal being cooked? It smells like the recipe for disaster!
I should probably have abridged this a little... oh well. Please, no flames.