Writer's Note: Yeah, I think this is going to be another one-shot. It's also a fic that has subject matter that has been done to death. However, I wanted to try my hand at it and see how well I could do, and this is what came out of it. I've had a couple of beta-readers tell me that Gourry was too wordy, but I think I leaned towards the Gourry from the novels than the Gourry from the anime. Tell me what you think!
It kept happening.
In her mind, in her dreams, in any spare moment of the day. It kept being replayed over and over again before her eyes.
Over and over.
And she was unable to escape it.
But Lina Inverse was reputed as being a strong-willed, unruffled individual. Therefore, even mentioning these feelings and thoughts would be a direct violation of all that she had worked for and all that she stood for...
Right?
The one particular night that it was the worst was perhaps a few weeks after it had all happened. By then, Lina had been good at masking the sudden sorrow she felt deep in her guts, as well as the sudden fear and indescribable agony she felt periodically at random, inappropriate times. She was so good that eventually, she was able to pass it off as indigestion. And often, her comrades believed her.
Except at night. This night. This one night that ended all of her hard work for one other person, the one person she didn't want to discover her weakness.
It had been a relatively good day. The sun was bright, the weather was warm, the bandits were amok and full of treasure. Her small little traveling party, consisting of the leftovers (Amelia and Sylphiel, whom they had to drop off at their respected relatives) and of course, Gourry (Zelgadis had ditched them right after the whole thing, but they all knew he would be back eventually, anyways) were in bright spirits.
All except for Lina.
All day, something felt wrong. She felt sloppy, and tired, and bored. She felt as if she didn't give a damn about anything, not even the amount of money she had collected that day. That alone was far too unusual to dismiss as normal, but again, by that time, she had become so apathetic to anything that it didn't matter, anyways.
She was pretty sure no one noticed her sudden change. She was a very good actress. She knew how to fool anyone, even herself, at the best of times. Maybe she wasn't at her best right now, but she was pretty sure that she had them fooled.
Soon, it grew dark, and they set up camp. Lina insisted she take the first watch, even though she really felt they didn't even need one. She was desperate to escape sleep for as long as she could. She had been doing this for several weeks during their travel time together, and because she had lost so much sleep, she was more crabby than usual. But no one asked why, and she made sure they didn't have even an opportunity to.
Alone in front of the fire, Lina thought, and her mind kept replaying everything. Everything...
Childlike fingers snapping together, crushing innocent lives in their wake.
The shouts of her friends as they took their last breath, something that they could never have been prepared for.
And then herself. The infamous Lina Inverse, with the tears in her throat and the pain in her heart. Everything she didn't want to be, she had been that day. She had allowed her emotions to overrule her common sense, and she paid for it with her life.
And why? Because Gourry could have been killed.
Lina hugged her folded legs, burying her face into her knees, her cheeks burning from the anger and humiliation of it all. The one thing that she was sure no one knew was her weakness had been used against her, and instead of going with her better judgment, she threw everything to the wind and did something stupid.
Like, say, cast the Giga Slave.
The fire was warm, and it kept her shivering at bay, but if it was anywhere else, she would have been shaking from head to toe.
She remembered that, back then, she could hear the words coming from her mouth, as if it was someone else chanting them. She could feel the struggle, her will trying to battle the spell and keep it under control, the talismans straining under the amount of power.
She remembered that the only parts of her that felt warm were her cheeks, from the tears that streaked down them as she cast the spell. She would be damned if she would let Phibrizzo win, but at the same time, she couldn't help but feel the guilt, knowing that what she was doing was exactly what Phibrizzo wanted…
And what of it?
The thought suddenly came crystal-clear, for the first time ever since these nights had begun. Lina raised her head from her knees, blinking away the stinging in her eyes. She felt a warm bubble of something in her chest, something...like anger, only much more intense.
And what of it? The thought came again, and Lina narrowed her eyes, digging her nails into her palms. What if you were doing exactly what he wanted? You couldn't leave Gourry like that, an innocent led to the slaughter, just because of you. All because of you.
Lina rested her chin on her knees, gazing into the dancing flames in front of her. Around her, the night was quiet. Inside of her, everything was far from quiet.
Because it was obvious how you felt, her thoughts went on, Phibrizzo latched onto Gourry and used him as bait to get you. And you went right for it. Only people who are blindly in love and foolishly ignorant of all others do such a thing.
She bit her lip, sensing the truth in these thoughts. If anyone ever asked her directly how she felt about Gourry, she would swear up and down that it was nothing more than a friendship borderlining hatred forged by a forced companionship.
But alone, in the recesses of her mind, it was pretty damn obvious how she felt about him. Sometimes, the obviousness of it all made her embarrassed. How long had she felt these feelings and hadn't even noticed them? Only when she was forced to look inside and acknowledge them did she realize that they actually existed within her. And had for a long time.
And, the thought bubbled up again, what of it? So what if you were human, Lina? Weren't you allowed to feel emotions for anyone? At all?
Of course she knew she was allowed. It was just sometimes, at some moments, it felt stupid. It felt like a weakness. She had seen what love could do to a person. Look at Eris. Look at Halcyform. Hell, look at how stupid Martina was. Love messed up a person and ruined their judgment, just as it had done to her when it came to Phibrizzo.
Wouldn't it just be better to ignore it and pretend it didn't exist at all?
But then, Lina thought sourly, that would be going against her own internal code, the one that dictated that she would true to herself no matter what anyone said.
True to herself? The only time she had been true to herself over the past few weeks was when she had been alone. She refused to talk to Gourry about any of it; she was afraid of what he might say, especially after the fact that he had claimed to forget everything that had happened to them in that strange void space.
She tugged at her bangs. WHY had she followed his lead and pretended to not understand why they had reappeared on those ruins? Why had she allowed herself to be ruled, at that time, by her pride? Why couldn't her pride kick in when she had faced Phibrizzo? You know, when it actually mattered?
With her fingers still laced through her bangs, something snapped inside of her, like a rubber band finally being tugged too much. Her eyes started burning, and before she could stifle them, tears slowly snaked down her cheeks and onto her knees.
She let them come, untangling her fingers from her hair. She let her hands drop to her sides, her forehead resting firmly on her knees. It felt as if she was finally giving it all up, and finally, she was crying, for the first time since the whole thing had happened.
Her tears were quiet, but they felt good. Oh, did they feel good. It was as if all of the sorrows were pouring out of her, and finally, perhaps, she would be free of the nightmares and free of the constant second-guessing and self-berating.
Lina wrapped her arms around her legs again and let her mind go blank, focusing on her tears, focusing on how they made her feel. She was so lost in her own feelings that she didn't hear anyone sneak in behind her. Nor did she notice them standing behind her until a finger came down and poked her on the top of her head.
It took every ounce of willpower to keep from screaming out in shock, but she did yelp a little. She jumped and got to her feet in a split second, her hands out, the Fireball half-chanted.
Gourry stood there in front of her, blinking in utmost bemusement.
Lina instantly wanted to Fireball herself. She stopped the spell and managed to squeak out his name. Without thinking, she reached up and wiped her eyes quickly, and then she smacked herself on the forehead for even doing something so obvious.
Gourry, however, just stood there, his head tilted to one side, his eyes focused on her calmly. He didn't say a word, and she suddenly felt exposed, like he had caught her in the shower, only this was much, much worse.
"Er..." Lina stammered, wringing her hands in front of her, "what are you doing up? I said I was going to take the first watch, remember?" She forced out a laugh that hurt her own ears. "Did you forget? You're such a jellyfish, do you know that?"
Gourry did something that scared the living daylights out of her. He glared at her and crossed his arms over his chest, like he KNEW what she had been doing and he KNEW that she was full of it and he would be damned if he played along with her.
Lina gulped.
Gourry just stared at her with that same look on his face.
Then, quietly, he said, "Why don't we sit down and talk about it, shall we?"
Speechless, Lina followed him back to the fire, being careful to sit down first, so that he would judge for himself just how close they would sit together. He chose to sit just a foot away from her, which made her feel both confused and comforted.
Gourry poked the fire with a stick, staring at the flames. Lina wished she had the ability to read his thoughts, although she was sure he wasn't thinking about what she thought he was thinking about.
He proved her wrong about ten seconds later. "Are you thinking about it, too?" he said, his voice still pitched soft. "About what happened back there?"
He glanced over at her, and her insides quivered, from many different feelings fighting with each other at once. Slowly, she nodded, biting down on her lip to keep from speaking. She didn't trust her words at that moment.
"Thought so," he said mildly, flinging the stick away. "Me too."
That surprised her. "You have?" she suddenly burst out, her eyes wide. He nodded slowly, smiling a little.
"Of course," he agreed. "Why wouldn't I? It's pretty heavy stuff."
Lina tore her gaze away and stared at her hands. "Er, yes," she agreed. "Heavy stuff."
A silence fell between them.
Lina sighed deeply. "You're not falling for this crap, are you?" she asked flatly.
"Nope," he answered casually.
"You know I feel like utter crap from it all, don't you?"
"Yep."
"So why the hell haven't you said anything about it?" Lina demanded, glaring at him.
He looked over and shrugged. "Didn't think you would be quite ready to talk about it yet. I heard you sniffling, so I figured now was the time."
"So, you heard me crying," she reiterated, her guts feeling like stones.
"Yup," he answered. "You can't hide it from everyone, Lina. It's like you think we don't expect these things from you, like you're not allowed to feel."
Lina gazed over at him, surprised by the force of his words.
He went on. "We know you aren't invincible. We also know that you have emotions. You're human, Lina, and we know that, so why pretend that you're not?"
"I never said..." she started, but he cut her off.
"You never had to. Give me some credit, Lina," he said. His words were still quiet but were coming out with more force. Lina noticed that the "we" had changed to "me", but she didn't interrupt. "Not once, during these past few weeks, have you even thought of coming to me and talking about it. I had to come to you. Do you know how insulting that is?"
"Can't be anymore insulting than having someone pretend to not know what had happened when something important HAD happened," Lina snapped, her hands clenched into tight fists. She resented the accusation that she hadn't thought about coming to him. That just wasn't true.
Gourry stared at her, and for the first time, she could clearly see the hurt registering in his eyes. All at once, she regretted what she said, but it was too late to take it back now. "I said it because I didn't want to embarrass you," he said softly.
"Or yourself," she answered, on the attack mode now.
"No, that's just not true, and you know it," Gourry answered, looking angry now. "Why should I care what they think? You do, so I kept my mouth shut, because I don't like it when you get upset. But I had thought you would have at least wanted to talk to me about it, you know?"
Yes, she did know. She had felt the same way. She opened her mouth to say it, but instead, her brain went on strike and she blurted out whatever came to her mouth.
"Okay, Gourry, here is what I would have said," she said, her words more close to a growl. "I would have said, 'I did those things because I love you, Gourry,' and you would have said, 'Oh,' and that would be that."
Gourry frowned, and Lina felt her cheeks suddenly grow hot. She looked away, and yet another silence stole over the two of them.
"Or," Gourry suddenly said, "I would have said, 'that's great, but sort of obvious, don't you think?'"
Lina topped over. Lying on her back, on the ground, she groaned out, "You would not have said that!"
Gourry smiled at her. "Sure I would have. Lina, a person doesn't do the things you did for someone they like just a little."
"Like kiss them," Lina muttered, her face growing redder. She stayed on the ground, however, refusing to move.
"Like kiss them," Gourry agreed, scratching his cheek. "You don't really think I'm that stupid, do you?"
"I just thought..." Lina sat up again, turning her body to face him. "I just thought that after we came back, things would be different."
"Well they were," he pointed out, "but not in a good way."
"I know that," Lina bristled, not enjoying the reminder of her secretive behaviour. "But I meant in our relationship."
"You want things to change?" Gourry looked surprised this time.
Lina had to think about it for a second. "Well, no," she admitted. "But...I had just thought..."
Gourry shook his head. "Lina, we've been together like this a while. I think we just needed a little push."
Lina couldn't suppress a smile. "Ah, so you sat there, accusing me, when you felt the same way."
Gourry waved a hand at her. "You're still the one to blame in this, you know," he answered.
"Pfft, whatever," Lina snorted, rolling her eyes.
There was another silence, but this one was a thoughtful one, not an awkward one. It allowed Lina to gather up her wits about the whole situation, to figure out exactly what she wanted, and if she actually wanted things to change at all.
Slowly, she stood up. Gourry watched her closely, she noticed. She smiled at him. "You're up now, so I might as well get some sleep, right?"
Gourry shook his head. "So you don't want to talk about what happened?"
Lina sighed, shrugging. "I thought we had," she answered honestly.
Gourry repeated the gesture. "You're all weird about Phibrizzo," he concluded.
"That's not going to go away in a night," she answered.
"No," Gourry agreed. He patted the ground next to him, and she just stared at him. "But, he explained, smiling again, "it doesn't hurt to talk about it, to have a shoulder to cry on."
"I'm not crying on you, Gourry," she snapped, bristling at the thought of it. It made her feel embarrassed and like she was a wuss.
"Just sit and stop acting spoiled," he answered. Huffily, she did so, and when she did, she became aware of how warm he was, and how close he was. Instinct dictated that she edged away from him, but something stilled her from doing so.
Instead, she opened her mouth to say that this was a stupid idea and that she was going to bed. What came out of her mouth, however, was something she hadn't even been thinking of.
"When I try to sleep, all I can think of is how cold it was without you," was what she said. "And every time I thought about being without you, it got worse and worse until I wanted to stop feeling anything at all."
Gourry said nothing, and she looked up at him carefully, afraid of what she might see. What she saw moved her. He was facing the fire, but his eyes were shut, and he nodded slowly.
"That's how I felt too," he replied.
Lina felt something clog up into her throat, and before she knew it, her eyes were stinging again. It was one thing to face the pain and deal with it alone, but it was something else, something much more, to face the pain and have someone at your side who knew exactly how it felt.
She leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, shutting her eyes. He leaned down and rested his head on top of hers, and inside, Lina felt the pain lesson. It felt much easier to be near him, now. It felt easier, and better, to be at his side.
No other words were said that night between them, but it was obvious that they had taken another step that night. Nothing would change on the outside, but it was the inside that counted. In the morning, when Lina awoke in her tent to the sunshine and the birds singing, as well as both Amelia and Sylphiel chattering, she finally felt as if everything would be okay, and that her trials weren't in vain. It still hurt to think about, but the fact that she hadn't been, and wasn't, alone, helped.
So she started the day with a smile on her face. And the smile was real.