A Phantom of the Opera parody - 2-minute version.
1919- The Opera Populaire, a crumbling old wreck of a theater in Paris
Auctioneer: A monkey music box- sold to the Vicompoop de Chagny! Sucker. Now, Lot 666: a chandelier that was involved in the strange affair of the Phantom of the Opera.
Old Madame Giry (smiling reminisciently): Ah, ze Phantom of ze Opera. Ze highest-grossing muzical of all time.
Loud organ music plays.
The Chandelier: Mmph, that's my cue.
It lights up and rises to the ceiling. We are transported to 1870's Paris, where a garish opera is going on.
Christine (to Meg): That hottie over there, Raoul de Chagny, he and I were childhood sweethearts.
Meg: How does that make any sense? That man is like fifteen years older than you.
Christine: Oh, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess he is…
Meg: That's f-in creepy!
Carlotta: Everybodya geta ready. I singa nowa.
Carlotta: Aaaahhhhh!
The Phantom unfastens a backdrop which falls and pins Carlotta to the stage. He then leaves.
Piangi frees the sobbing Carlotta.
Carlotta: I hate zis madhouse so much. Bring that muff I made out of my doggy… (She storms off)
LeFabre: Good luck, everybody! If you need me, I'll be orbiting Pluto. (Leaves hastily.)
Firmin and Andre begin to realize that this job may not be all it's cracked up to be.
Mme Giry: Zat was ze ghost. M. LeFabre used to give 'im twenty thousand francs a month to keep things like zis from 'appening.
Firmin: (Grabs letter) Twenty thousand francs? (Blowtorches letter) We can't make any francs without a diva!
Mme Giry: Maybe… Christine Daaé could sing ze song. Ah am sure ze audience would be perfectly willing to fork over good money to 'ear a complete unknown sing ze title role.
Christine: I can sing?
Andre and Firmin: The hot dancing girl?
Firmin: Let her have a go.
Christine: Thi-
Andre and Firmin: You'll do just fine!
That night
Christine: -ink… a-ahhhhhhhhhhhhh- AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH… Oooooof meeeeee!
Some champagne glasses: *Shatter*
Christine: Wow, I can sing!
The audience, looking at their glasses: Dang. (They begin applauding wildly and throwing flowers.)
Cut to the Chapelle of the Opera Populaire, where Christine is meditating or something.
Meg comes in.
Meg: Where the heck did that come from? You can sing opera? You used to suck at singing.
Christine: My father sent an angel of music to teach me.
Meg: You've seen an angel?
Christine: No. But somehow I know he's always with me, he, the unseen genius!
Meg: ...Right. Chris, I worry about you. You keep talking about unseen voices. (Freezes.) Wait, your singing teacher is a voice that hides in the walls. The guy who keeps threatening us all is a voice that hides in the walls. Could it be the same person?
Christine: No way! That's just crazy!
Cut to Christine's dressing room a few minutes later
Raoul: (coming through the door, carrying someone else's bouquet of flowers) Little Lottie thought of…
Christine: It's you! Hey, didn't I see Andre carrying that bouquet earlier?
Raoul: What? No. (Hides flowers behind back.) Anyway... Christine, I'm the little boy who went into the sea to rescue your scarf. And now we're going to dinner. So much, uh, catching up to do. Yeah. 'Catching up'. See you in two minutes.
Christine: What? No, I have to practice and stuff.
Raoul: Byeee!
He exits.
Christine: Great.
Phantom (singing from somewhere out of sight): Insolent boy, this slave of fashion! Basking in your bikini!
Christine: Angel, forgive me! Enter at last!
Phantom: You can count on it. (Appears in the mirror) I am your angel…
Christine: Finally! (Looks him up and down) Wow! Here I was expecting to find a chubby-cheeked Raphael cherub, and instead… wow. So, now what?
Phantom: I'm gonna need you to walk through the mirror.
Christine walks through the mirror.
Christine: Well, that was trippy.
Phantom: Let's sing!
Christine: Okay! Those who have seen your face draw back in fear…
Phantom: (throws torch into the air, terrified.) WAIT! You're not supposed to know about that for at least another ten minutes!
Christine (blankly): Know about what?
Phantom: Oh. Never mind. (He shakily picks up the torch) Continue…
Christine: (Shrugs). Eh, okay. I am the mask you wear… (At end of song) The Phaaantom of the Operaaaa- ah A-ah A-ah A-ah! A-ah! A-ah! (etc) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Phantom: That was a bit unnecessary, wasn't it? My ears are ringing.
Christine: Sorry, I saw a spider. Are we almost there?
Phantom: Right around the corner. Look, here we are. (He disembarks and helps her out of the boat.) And look what I made for you!
Christine: This may be just the atmosphere talking, but that looks an awful lot like me in a wedding dress.
Phantom (beaming delightedly): Uh-huh!
Christine: That's horrifying.
Phantom: It is? Aw, crap. I was going for romantic.
Christine: You're not an angel. Wait- are you the opera ghost?
Phantom: Yeah. I thought we'd already established that.
Christine (weakly): I guess I had a bit of trouble connecting the dots.
Phantom: That's fine. Just so long as everything's clear now. Why, is it a problem?
Christine: *Faints*
Phantom: Well, that's unfortunate. (He grabs Christine by the ankles and hauls her over to his weird swan bed)
The audience: Omg wtf? What is this movie rated?
Phantom: Geez, get your minds out of the gutter! I'm just gonna let her sleep it off.
Cut back to Christine's dressing room
Meg: Christine? (She slides the Alice in Wonderland mirror open and steps through) A murderous lunatic lives down this hallway. According to my mom, he killed somebody when he was like eight, and he could be hiding in the next shadow, just waiting to jump out at me with a knife. So no big deal.
Rat: *squeak*
Meg: (Screams) Rats! No one said anything about rats. That does it. I'm outta here.
Back down to the lair again. The next morning.
Christine dreamily wakes up. Her stockings are gone.
Audience: Wtf?
Christine: Relax, they just got itchy. Nothing's happened. (She smiles.) Yet.
She walks down to where the Phantom is sitting.
Christine: Leaving aside that whole wedding dress thing, I've decided I think you're awesome. You write me pretty music, and you're astonishingly good-looking, especially considering you're supposed to be deformed.
Phantom: !
Christine: (tenderly caresses his face) (Suddenly tears his mask off)
Phantom: This is not where I hoped this was going.
Christine: HOLY CRAP, THAT IS ONE NASTY SUNBURN! Haven't you ever heard of Coppertone?
Phantom: !$#%*&%# PRYING PANDORA %!#$%* LYING DELILAH *%&*$*%&$*% Now we can never be together!
Christine: Wait, why?
Phantom: We just can't. (He holds out his hand.)
Christine: Whatever. (Hands him the mask.)
Phantom: (Puts it on) Get in the boat.
Christine: Do you stay down here in the dark so you won't get sunburned anymore?
Phantom: Boat! Now! I'm on a tight schedule!
Christine: Why, do you have other sopranos to seduce?
Phantom: Funny.
(They get in the boat and shove off. We hear Chrrrrrrrrrrristine's voice drift back through the darkness.)
Christine: The next time you go to the beach, you should really remember to reapply every two hours.
Cut to the grand foyer of the Opera Populaire
Andre: I got a threatening note asking for money.
Firmin: Me too! I wonder if it's anything to do with this Opera Ghost dude who's been threatening us and asking us for money.
Andre: Nahh.
Raoul: (storms into foyer): Where's Christine?
Firmin: Well, how should we know? …Nice pinstripes.
Raoul: Why, thank you! Ann Taylor loft was having a sale!
Carlotta: (storms in, followed by her posse) Foppy sent me a nasty lett-air! So I'ma leavinga!
Firmin: I thought you left already.
Carlotta: Well, I'm leavinga again.
Andre: But, but, butbutbut… We want you in the lead! So do all those people out there!
All those people out there: Chri-stine! Chri-stine! Chri-stine!
Firmin: See? Your public needs you!
Carlotta: How can I say no?
All those people out there: Drat. Well, don't count on us coming!
Andre: Screw you, we don't need an audience!
Firmin: Actually, yes, we kind of do...
Cut to the auditorium of the Opera Populaire, filled with a massive audience of people who have apparently been paid to be there
The curtain rises on Il Muto, an amazingly stupid but heavily symbolic 'opera' about a beautiful girl who hates her vocally talented but overbearing lord and master and wants to run off with a handsome youth. Obviously, this does nothing for the Phantom's fragile state of mind.
Carlotta: Serafimo, away with this pretence!
Christine-afimo flings aside her skirt to reveal her "manly breeches", which do not look very manly, which may have something to do with the fact that she is, um, a woman. The audience is too drunk to feel confused.
Phantom: Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept *empty*! (His voice reverberates around the room.)
Audience: Nice special effects!
Carlotta: Noa! Paya attention to me! Aaaaahhhhhh- CROAK!
Someone pulls her offstage with a shepherd's crook. The Phantom shoves Christine on instead and then disappears up the scaffolding.
There, he and Buquet play a deadly game of cat and mouse.
Phantom: Keep your mitts off Christine!
Phantom strangles Buquet and drops his body into the middle of the stage.
Christine: That's it, I'm outta here!
Audience: Wait, there's bodies? This opera's getting weird now! Oh, well.
Firmin and Andre: (from center stage) It was an accident! Simply an accident!
Christine: Oh, right!
The audience: Wait, that wasn't part of the opera?
Firmin: Shit.
Chaos.
Cut to the roof of the Opera Populaire
Raoul: Why have you brought me up here?
Christine: Um, I don't know actually. The Phantom's up here, and we're supposed to be running away from him.
Raoul: I'm pretty convinced there's actually no Phantom. Just because someone is murdered by a guy in a mask and black cloak and dropped onto the stage under incredibly suspicious circumstances doesn't mean there's foul play at work. Let's not jump to conclusions.
Christine: But Raoul, I've seen him! I can never escape from that less than 25% of a face, so severely sunburned, it was hardly a less than 25% of a face in that darkness… darkness…
Raoul: Did you take your meds today?
Christine: I'm not on medication, you ass! It was real!
Raoul: Will you marry me?
Christine: Do you really think this is the best time to be discussing this? What about this moment made you think 'Hey, this is the perfect time for a proposal'? Was it the fact that I'm in my underwear in the freezing cold- no, don't answer that - or that a guy just died?
Raoul: Well, will you?
Christine: Hmm. Does it mean I can get away from the murderous sociopath?
Raoul: From the murderous sociopath who doesn't exist? Sure, babe. Whatever you say.
Christine: Hm, I still don't know. Can we discuss your benefits package?
Raoul: Actually, we offer a pretty competitive one. You'd be the Vicomtesse de Chagny.
Christine: I think this proposal is worth discussing further.
Off they go, chattering happily.
Phantom: Yooooouuuuuuuuu will curse the day you met that foppyyyyyy!
Fast-forward several months to a New Years' party. The partygoers sing Masquerade, an amazingly stupid but heavily symbolic song. Partygoers are wearing costumes featuring, among other things, a Furby, a fairy, Zorro, clocks, and lots and lots of cotton balls. Everything is black, silver, gold, or white. Gold men have been strategically placed in the corners of the staircase for no apparent reason.
Gold man to naked gold female statue: How's it goin', hunny?
Enter Christine and Raoul. Christine is celebrating their secret engagement by wearing her ring around her neck where everyone can see it. Suddenly, the Phantom appears at the top of the stairs, carrying a musical score.
Partygoers: (Gasp!) Omg! The world is coming to an end- He's wearing red at a black, silver, gold and white party!
Phantom: Didn't you hear? Red is the new gold. Oh, by the way… My managers are no good with the arts, Piangi, you're too fat to play a decent role, Carlotta, you can't sing, dance, or act, and Christine has much still to learn if she ever wants to be any good. So… I've selected you guys to perform my masterpiece!
Andre and Firmin: That checks out.
Andre: Anything suspicious about this?
Firmin: Nah, it makes total sense.
Andre and Firmin: We'll do it!
The Phantom: Cool. See you in November. I've gotta go sew myself more tight pants.
(For once, the Phantom does not ask for his usual box, which oddly enough does not get anyone's attention. You almost can't blame him for haunting people when they make it so incredibly easy.)
The Phantom throws the Don Juan score to the floor, rips the ring from around Christine's neck, bursts into flames and disappears into a hole that inexplicably appears in the floor.
Raoul: Well, he was interesting. Who was that?
Christine smacks herself in the forehead.
Raoul: (Grabs the score and leaps into the hole) Sir, wait! You forgot your briefcase! Sir? Where did you go? Where am I, for that matter?
Mme Giry: Playtime's ovaihr. Come on, Vicomte.
Raoul: (Coughing up smoke) Madame Giry! Due to a massive flaw in the script, I am now suddenly aware that you know something that's marginally relevant to the plot!
Mme Giry: And…
Raoul: You have got to tell me! You've just got to!
Madame Giry: Why?
Raoul: Uh... Idk. Another flaw in the script, I guess.
Mme Giry: Oh, whatever. It was years ago. There was a traveling fair in ze town. Zese scary-ass people were beating ze baby Phantom and had 'im caged up as a freak. 'E was only a leetle boy. Eet was really depressing, and quite inconsistent weeth ze tone of ze rest of zis movie. What? Why do you 'ave zat ridiculous look on your face?
Raoul: I get it now! He's deformed!
Madame Giry: (nods slowly) Yes.
Raoul: And why is this of any relevance to the plot whatsoever?
Madame Giry: Ah don't know. You were ze one who asked me. Now go away. Ah need to practice mah French accent.
Cut to a cemetery near the Opera Populaire
Christine: Here I am, Dad, fulfilling my promise to come sing opera to your grave. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
A corpse: Mmph! Whatsa big idea? I was sleeping here!
Phantom: Hey, Chris!
Christine: Go away. Why should I want to talk to you? You killed a guy. Besides, I'm engaged to Raoul.
Phantom: Uh… because… (Breathing slowly and heavily) Christine, I am your father. And I told you not to date guys with long hair, remember?
Christine: You're totally not my dad, you liar. You wanted to make out with me earlier. That's just weird!
Raoul rides up on a white horse he stole from the set of Cinderella, breaking Christine's concentration.
Phantom: I almost had her!
The Phantom leaps at Raoul, sword drawn.
Christine: Raoul, look out!
Raoul (standing there, arms crossed): It's fine. He's not real, remember?
The Phantom nicks his arm.
Raoul: Aggghh! He is real!
Raoul draws his sword. They cross blades.
Raoul: You are very good. I admit it, you are better than I am.
Phantom: Then why are you smiling?
Raoul: Because I am not left-handed!
He switches sides and slowly gains the upper hand, finally knocking the Phantom to the ground and kicking snow in his face.
Christine: Oh! My! Goodness! Kicking snow in people's faces is so not the manly way to win a swordfight! Perhaps I should reconsider. (To Raoul, whoisabout to kill the Phantom) No, Raoul! Don't kill him! Please don't be like that.
Raoul: I won't. I promise… (smiles plottingly)
Phantom: Now, there's the look of a man you can trust.
Raoul: Shut up, loser.
Raoul and Christine ride away.
Prince Charming (running up): Hey, what's going on? I want my horse back!
Cut to a corridor in the Opera Populaire
Raoul is wearing a bomber jacket… in 1871. I have nothing more to say.
Andre, Firmin and Raoul, arm in arm, singing: We're off to kill the Phantom! The horrible Phantom of Op! Because, because, because, because, because of the horrible things he does!
Phantom: (falling into step beside them) Hey. So… how do you plan to do this exactly?
Raoul: Hey! Okay, so we're gonna perform your opera, using Christine as bait you can't resist…
Phantom: Uh-oh. That is kind of my kryptonite.
Raoul: And we're gonna march 24 heavily armed policemen right through the main entrance of the Opera Populaire while everyone is watching (that way no one will notice), and right as they have their guns trained on you…
Phantom winces…
Raoul: I'll tell them not to shoot!
Phantom relaxes.
Raoul: Its foolproof!
Phantom: Well, I'll be here tonight for sure, then! (He leaves)
Raoul: We look forward to having you he-
Raoul looks at Firmin, Firmin looks at Andre, and Andre looks at Raoul.
The three amigos: Uh-oh.
Exeunt.
Cut to the Chapelle of the Opera Populaire
Christine: Raoul, I'm frightened. I don't want to be in this opera. It's creepy. Don Juan Triumphant… doesn't that sound a bit concerning to you?
Raoul: Nah. It's probably about Don Juan's completely platonic friendship with an impressionable young virgin. Besides, we need you there.
Christine: Why?
Raoul: The Phantom will definitely come if you're there. So once he appears, we're going to… throw the Phantom in prison. Just in prison. We're definitely not going to shoot him or anything like that. But you have to keep him onstage long enough for us to do that. Imprison him, I mean.
Christine (sensing foul play): I dunno how I feel about this.
Raoul: I hate to do this to you, but you might have to make out with him or something.
Christine: What time is the show?
The Phantom's opera, Don Juan Triumphant
The Phantom swiftly dispatches poor old Piangi and comes out onto the stage.
Christine: Are you wearing leggings?
Phantom: They're workout tights!
Christine: Hey, I'm not judging. The look works for you. Wait… You're not Piangi.
Phantom: Thank you for finally noticing that I don't weigh five hundred pounds.
Christine: (Groans) Are you the Phantom?
Phantom: Yeah. No offense, but you're really slow to pick up on things.
Christine: Seriously? This again?
Raoul: Aha we have you now!
Policemen: Ready, aim, fire!
Christine: Aw, come on! Raoul, you promised! (Thinking quickly, she rips off the Phantom's mask). Aw, everybody look how badly this poor guy's been sunburned! And, wait, it's been there for over six months. This can only mean one thing…
Phantom: What? Go on, say it!
Christine: You went back to the beach and you still didn't use any sunscreen like I told you! Do you never learn?
Audience: Oh my god, he's a hideously disfigured freak of nature!
Phantom: Oh my god, it's an overreactive audience with unnaturally keen eyesight!
He cuts the rope that holds up the chandelier.
Christine rips his wig off too
Phantom: Okay, that's just mean.
Ashamed of his scraggly hair, he dives off the stage in embarrassment, dragging Christine along with him.
Christine: Whoooo! This is like the Tower of Terror! Wait, how long is this drop?
Phantom (calling up to her): Like five stories.
Christine: So you included a parachute or something in the costume, right?
Phantom: Nah.
Christine: Shit.
Five stories beneath the opera house
Christine (landing): Ow!
Phantom: (Grabbing her) Ahahahaha! I have you now and I will never let you go! I will torture you in all kinds of horrible ways!
Christine: You're mad at me?
Phantom: Yes! You pulled my mask off in front of a bunch of people… why did you do it? Why? Why? Why? Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Oddly enough, Christine decides not to say that she was probably attempting to save his life.
The auditorium
Mme Giry: Raoul! Raoul! I know how to get to the Phantom's lair!
Raoul: Cool. Should we take some backup or something? Or weapons?
Madame Giry: No, ah do not see how backup or weapons could be een any way helpful or reassuring when dealing weeth a murderous lunatic.
Raoul: Yeah, you're right! Let's go.
They wend their way through an increasingly creepy series of tunnels. Raoul doesn't seem bothered.
Madame Giry: (a few minutes later) Zis is as far as I dare go. (Vanishes)
Raoul: What? Crap. Well, guess I better head downward. (Runs down a couple flights of stairs.) (Runs right into in a hole and falls thirty feet into an explicable pool of water.) Glug glug gurgle gurgle gurgle. (Sees a release mechanism). Thank God! The Phantom must be dumber than I thought. (Hauls himself out of the water.) Well, that was close. But I still have no idea where the Phantom's lair is. Oh, good, here comes a flaw in the script. Now I know exactly where it is. (Heads that way. Reaches the lair but unfortunately there is a gate in the way.)
Phantom: Hey, care to join us? We were just gonna open up a bottle of wine. Mi casa es su casa.
Raoul: Cool. So can I take Christine and go?
Phantom: Sure. I just need to take care of one thing first.
Raoul: Okay.
The Phantom ties Raoul up.
Raoul: Hey!
Christine: Ew. Why are you tying him up, exactly?
Phantom: I'll make this easy to remember: Either you stay with me or I kill him!
Christine: What? That's completely barbaric! Your rippling muscles and scintillating green eyes no longer hold any charms for me. None whatsoever.
Phantom: The clock is ticking.
Christine: You really think you can force people to love you? What kind of life have you had? That's actually really depressing. What can I do to help? Hmm... I know! (She kisses him. A moment later...) Hey, this is actually pretty nice.
The Phantom's brain: GIRL PROXIMITY ALERT! GIRL PROXIMITY ALERT! ERROR! SYSTEMS OVERLOAD!
Christine: *Kiss, kiss, kiss*
Phantom: (sobbing) Go! Be free! You're too beautiful and innocent to stay with the likes of me.
Raoul: You're right, I am. (frees himself from the ropes) Well, thanks for everything. We'll send you a wedding invitation. Maybe we'll see you at the opera ball next year?
Phantom: I wouldn't count on it. I gotta run on account of that whole murder thing- mmph. (His words are cut off as Christine keeps kissing him.)
Raoul: Christine, we're going. Ahem.
Christine (still making out): Eh?
Raoul: You can't seriously be thinking of staying with that lunatic.
Christine: But he's such a good kisser.
Raoul: Christine, the 'Vicomtesse de Chagny' train is leaving the station, and if you don't get on it right now, it's not coming back!
Christine: Oh, fine, whatever. (Leaves the Phantom)
Phantom: Wait, stay with me!
Christine: It's tempting, but you know, I don't think I'm gonna take you up on that.
Phantom: Why? Because I'm deformed? It's because I'm deformed!
Christine: No, it's because I'm still a bit hung up about the whole wedding-dress-statue thing. And the fact that you lied to me and pretended to be the Angel of Music. And the forced-marriage bit, too.
Phantom: Is that all? Geez! Women! Fine, be that way!
Christine: Shame. He has nice pecs.
FIN.