It was a bright warm evening in Karakura as Ichigo Kurosaki calmly made his way home from school. He hadn't had to deal with Hollows in over two weeks, and was feeling incredibly stress-free. If he wasn't a grumpy teenage boy with an image to maintain, he might have actually been happy.
"Oi, Ichigo!"
At first, Ichigo thought that another thug was about to pick a fight with him, but when he turned around, he realized that it was just Renji.
"Oh, hey Renji, what're you doing here? Is Soul Society being attacked again?"
Normally, Renji would scowl at him and make some snide comment, Ichigo would jab back and then they'd both try to destroy each other's egos until someone broke them up. So when Renji remained completely serious, Ichigo knew that something was wrong.
"Don't tell me it's really being attacked again? It's only been a month!"
"Soul Society's fine. I'm here to warn you about something else." Renji paused and looked around, as if he thought someone was watching them. It was all very shifty, and did nothing to help Ichigo's confusion. "Captain Kuchiki is out for your blood."
"What, why?" That didn't make any sense. He and Byakuya had made significant progress in learning to get along. In fact, Byakuya's mouth no longer twisted like he'd smelled something awful every time Ichigo walked into the room and Ichigo had started using doors to get around Byakuya's mansion, instead of the secret passageways Yachiru had shown him. Small little gestures of respect like those were enough for Byakuya and Ichigo to coexist whenever he visited Soul Society.
Renji sighed and reached up to scratch his hair. "It's a long story. Basically, he thinks you secretly married Rukia, and he's furious that you didn't consult him first."
Ichigo stared at him, waiting for the punch-line. Renji stared back. When it became clear that Renji wasn't going to say anything else until Ichigo replied, Ichigo said the only thing that could fully express how he felt:
"…What."
"Like I said, it's a long story. I can't stay here for much longer, because if he finds out I warned you I'm dead meat. Find Rukia if you want to get the full explanation."
"Wait, Renji! What the hell, you can't just-" Renji had already leapt into the air and ran off. Ichigo would have followed, except for the fact that he was still in his human form. "Dammit!"
He sighed angrily and started walking. Great, only one month of peace, and Rukia was already dragging him into trouble. He had no doubt that this was all her fault. He also had no doubt that she would somehow find a way to blame him for it when he eventually got the full story out of her.
But for now, he'd just stay away from Soul Society and let them fix their own problems for once. He had a ton of schoolwork and he was starving. Byakuya could wait.
He reached his house and unlocked the door, slinging his schoolbag into the corner of the hall.
"Yuzu, I'm home! What's for-" He froze.
Byakuya Kuchiki was sitting in his kitchen, calmly eating a warm plate of Yuzu's curry. Over at the sink, Yuzu paused from drying the dishes and smiled warmly at Ichigo.
"Ichi-nii! Karin says that one of your shinigami friends is here! I can't actually see them, but Karin says that they're sitting somewhere over there." She gestured towards the table. "I'm not sure how long they'll be staying, so I gave them some food. They've been talking to Dad for the last hour, and whatever they said has made him really emotional."
Ichigo froze. This could not be happening. He refused to accept the fact that this was real. Any second now he was going to wake up and-
"IIICCCHIIIIGOOOO!"
His dad jumped on him from behind, wrapping his arms around Ichigo and sobbing into his shoulder.
"My boy! Why didn't you tell me that you're getting married? Rukia is a lovely young lady; you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Didn't you trust your old dad to support you? When were you planning on telling us?"
"Argh, get off!" With a move that would make a professional wrestler proud, Ichigo slipped out of his father's vice-grip and flung him into the wall. "I'm not marrying Rukia! What the hell is wrong with everyone?"
Amidst all of the commotion, Byakuya had stood up, and now he pinned Ichigo with an intense stare.
"Are you saying that now that has Rukia announced your marriage to the entire Seireitei you're getting cold feet? Is that the kind of man you are, Ichigo Kurosaki?"
Dammit Rukia, what the hell have you done? "I'm saying we were never married in the first place!"
Byakuya's eyes gleamed, and he slowly drew Senbonzakura from its sheath. "So you're a coward and a liar. Where did all that bravery and honour go? Does it disappear as soon as you leave the battlefield?"
Ichigo took a second to analyse the situation. Byakuya was about to kill him, his father was still sobbing on the ground, Yuzu had gone back to cheerfully drying the dishes, and Karin was nowhere in sight. Ichigo decided that for once, he would have to use his brain to get out of this situation.
So he ran.
He raced out the door, feet pounding as he made his way along the streets. He couldn't hear anyone following, but he doubted that Byakuya would give up so easily. Only when he had put ten blocks between him and his house did he stop to catch his breath. He had no doubt that Byakuya would find him very soon, so he needed somewhere to lie low until this mess could be resolved.
Someone grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him behind a lamppost. His heart froze for a second when he thought Byakuya had snuck up on him, but then he recognized the fist that was tugging on his jumper.
"Rukia!"
The shinigami in question turned to scowl at him, releasing her hold on him.
"Shh! Don't yell like that or Nii-sama will find us!"
"Rukia, what the hell is going on?"
She stuck her head out from behind the lamppost, looking left and right to make sure the street was clear.
"First, we need to find a safe place to hide. Then I'll explain everything."
She reached up and grabbed the back of his jumper, and suddenly he was being dragged again.
"Argh Rukia, stop it! I can walk by myself!"
"Quiet! You're not fast enough in your human form."
He wanted to protest, but she'd already dragged him through three streets. As they flew by, he saw a little girl staring at them.
"Mommy, how is he doing that? Is he flying?"
"Don't worry darling, it's just the Kurosaki boy. He's a little odd."
Great, now even random strangers think I'm weird. To be fair, he did look rather strange, seeing as no one could see Rukia pulling him along.
Finally, they reached a familiar building. Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief when she finally put him down and grabbed his arm instead.
"Come on. Urahara's already prepared a safe room."
They went inside, and Ichigo was greeted by the shopkeeper and Yoruichi, both giving him sly grins.
"Save it." he grumbled. "I have no idea what's going on, so until I find out I'm not in the mood for any of your shit."
"Of course." Urahara said smoothly. "Well if you'll just follow Miss Kuchiki down that trapdoor, I'm sure she'll be happy to provide you with answers."
Something about the gleam in Urahara's eyes made Ichigo pretty sure he wasn't going to like the answers he found. Nonetheless, he climbed down after Rukia into the underground cavern/training room.
Once they were both firmly on the ground, Ichigo turned towards Rukia.
"Alright, spill. What the hell did you do?"
"Why are you yelling at me? You don't even know what I did yet!"
"Rukia I swear-"
"Alright, just calm down! Look, I made a small mistake and it got blown incredibly out of proportion. This is all just a huge misunderstanding."
"Ok, so what was the mistake?"
Rukia suddenly grew very interested with the floor of the cavern, scuffing her sandal into the dirt. Ichigo frowned. Was she blushing?
"Oh come on, it can't be that bad!"
Still Rukia didn't say anything.
"God, Rukia, if you don't tell me I'm just going to imagine stuff ten times worse. Let's see, did you tell Renji that you're in love with me as a joke and he took it seriously? Did you tell Byakuya? Did you-"
"I signed some of my paperwork as 'Lieutenant Rukia Kurosaki'."
Ichigo paused. That... wasn't what he had expected.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Did you do it on purpose?"
That got a reaction. She glared up at him and kicked his shin.
"Ow!"
"Of course I didn't do it on purpose! I was just very distracted that day, and I accidentally wrote your surname instead of mine. Captain Ukitake thought it was funny so he told the Head Captain, and then the Head Captain told Matsumoto, who told most of the Lieutenants, including Renji, who didn't understand that it was a joke and accidentally let it slip to Nii-sama. By the time I'd explained to Renji that I hadn't actually married you it was too late. Hisagi had already published an article about it in the Seireitei Bulletin, and basically everyone bar my own squad, Renji and the Head Captain thinks that we're married."
It took Ichigo a minute to process that, but when he did he found himself grinning slyly.
"So you just happened to write my name? What, were you thinking about me? Do you really miss me that much? Aw Rukia, if I knew that I would have visited- ack!"
This time, she kicked him in the head. Ichigo still didn't understand how she could jump that high.
"Don't be ridiculous! I just happened to be thinking about you that day!"
Even though her foot had left an imprint on his cheek, he still managed to grin.
"Of course you were. I'm sure it was just a one-time thing."
"Well maybe if you weren't so pathetic I wouldn't worry so much about you!"
She was getting redder now, and Ichigo was enjoying this way too much.
"You worry about me too? That's real sweet."
"Only because you're such an idiot. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother. I should have just let Nii-sama kill you!"
Did she actually just stamp her foot? He couldn't hold it in any longer. As she continued to rant, he started laughing. She grew even redder, and started thumping him with her fists.
"Stop. laughing. this. isn't. funny." Each word was delivered with a punch, but she was too flustered to put any real force behind them. Ichigo continued to laugh, until she gave up and just shoved him onto the ground.
"It is kind of funny." he said, when he'd finally stopped laughing. "I mean, I'd find it a lot funnier if everyone else wasn't taking it so seriously, but this whole situation is kind of ridiculous."
"So… you're not mad at me?"
He shrugged. "Nah, it was an accident. If I held it against you I'd be a real jerk."
"You already are a jerk." she muttered. He chose to ignore that.
"So what do we do now?"
She flopped down next to him with a sigh.
"Captain Ukitake's promised to explain the situation to everyone, and Urahara says we can stay as long as we like. I think our best option is just to wait it out."
He nodded. That sounded sensible. It also sounded incredibly dull.
"So what should we do while we're waiting?"
Rukia hummed, mulling the question over in her mind. "I'm not sure. I didn't really plan that far ahead. Do you have any suggestions?"
Ichigo turned and gave her the most evil grin he had, relishing the look of fear in her eyes.
"Oh, I have some ideas."
Two hours later.
"Kisuke?"
"Hm?"
"I'd say those two are getting hungry by now. Why don't you go down and check?"
Urahara sighed, but got up and went over to the fridge, grabbing whatever he could find.
"Do you think I should just toss it down to them? I don't want to disturb them."
Yoruichi snorted dismissively.
"Why? What do you think they're doing down there?"
He gave her a lecherous grin.
"Oh, I don't know. Two teenagers, alone for hours with nothing but their hormones. I'd say they've found some interesting ways to keep themselves occupied."
Meanwhile, below the shop:
"Got any threes?"
"Go-fish."
"Ugh! Ichigo you know I hate this game!"
"Why do you think we're playing it?"
"You're so mean! We've been at this for hours! Can't we play something else?"
"Sorry Rukia, my cards, my game. If you don't like it you can go back up there and explain to both my dad and your brother that neither of them are getting grandchildren anytime soon."
She glared at him, before reluctantly looking down at her cards.
"Got any fives?"
"Go-fish."
Above them, Yoruichi smirked as she and Urahara watched the game.
"Hopeless. Both of them are completely hopeless."
"I'm sure they'll get it together one day." Urahara said.
"Want to bet on it?"
He smirked as below them, Rukia lunged at Ichigo, demanding to see his cards. He yelled back, accusing her of cheating, and suddenly the cards were flying everywhere.
"Get the popcorn. I've a feeling this is about to get interesting."