Author's Note: I don't know what to say about this story. I started it and I felt compelled to finish it. It's not particularly good, in my opinion. Back in the early days of Roomie madness I was able to write snarky, light-hearted material about these two, but lately watching the interaction between them inspires me to write more emotional/angsty stories. I don't know whether I've really kept very much in character here like I can usually do in my other stories, nor am I very sure that the whole premise makes sense. I can't really explain where this scenario would stand, so I'll let you guys make up your own minds about it. Anyway, I appreciate all the positive feedback I've received from those who have read my stuff and left reviews. I hope this story delivers - I don't really expect it to but I spent some time writing it and think it deserves an audience, hence my posting it up. I apologize for any errors, grammatical or spelling-related - I'm using a word processing program from the Dark Ages...hehe. I hope you guys enjoy it anyway. After all, I write only to serve my fellow fans. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Happy reading!
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A Moment of Introspection
On and off.
Like a light switch.
He didn't know how much longer he could stand it.
He felt raw and abused, but he couldn't help it.
He'd never had to work this hard for anything, so what made him want to fight for this?
Was it the thrill of the chase?
No, it couldn't be that. It hurt much too much for it to be something as trite as that.
What?
L-
No, not that. It couldn't be that.
Could it?
It wasn't his thing. One-night stands, drunken bouts of lust, sexual short-trips - that was more him.
Why tie himself down when he was still so young? Not even thirty.
Why was he still kidding himself?
"Ray, we need you in trauma one now. Critical from a head-on collision. Major internal bleeding and respiratory failure."
"Be right there."
This wasn't something he needed right now.
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It was the end of shift. He sat on a sofa in the staff coffee lounge staring out the window into the darkness of the night sky.
There were no stars out tonight, just the pale, waning moon. How fitting, he thought to himself.
He was exhausted, he should have headed home thirty minutes ago. Yet he couldn't bring himself to move.
What was the point? What was there for him back in that cold, empty apartment? Nothing.
Not anymore.
He closed his eyes and threw his head back. It was all just too depressing to face right now. But what else could he do?
There she was. Everyday. Right in front of him. With her little quips and razor sharp banter, her sass and smiles. But most of all her casual disregard for how he felt.
She knew. Hadn't he bared all as he fought desperately for her to stay while she loaded her things into the cab? He had laid his heart on the line then, but all she could do was leave.
And what a bittersweet turn of events when they learned of Michael and the bombing.
His heart broke for her loss, for the sorrow etched into her beautiful face, but at the same time he found a renewed hope for what he thought was lost forever.
But she had pushed him away.
He couldn't do anything but wait until her grief had run it's course.
So he waited. And waited.
Patiently.
He waited so long, in fact, that she found someone else.
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"Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here."
The familiar clipped tones brought him out of his miserable reverie. He turned to face the intruder of his thoughts.
"Neela. Hey."
"Ray."
An uncomfortable silence ensued as they looked on at each other. Working together made it easy to shove down, and temporarily ignore, the underlying tension between them but when it was just the two of them, alone, things were different.
"I'll, uh, I was just getting my things and heading home."
He just kept looking at her.
"I'm done for the night."
He knew she was just trying to fill the silence with her excruciatingly polite attempt at awkward conversation. All he could do was nod at her. He turned around and closed his eyes again.
He couldn't deal with this right now.
She stood there for a few moments, he noticed, before she went to her locker. He could hear the click of her heels on the linoleum floor.
Some time later he realised he must have fallen asleep because, suddenly, he felt that someone was sitting next to him. He opened his eyes and was greeted with a surprise.
It was her.
"Neela, um, what are you still doing here?" He sat up straighter, every muscle in his body stretched taut at her closeness. Being this near to her always made him a little on edge.
"I don't know." She sighed, letting out a little breath as she did so. It ruffled the curls swirling around her cheeks. He watched mezmerised. He didn't even know why.
She was looking out the window, as he was doing not even an hour ago.
"What's happened, Ray?"
"What do you mean?" He feigned indifference. It was easier that way.
"With us." She turned to him then.
"Us? There's never been an 'us'." There was a hardness in his voice. He knew even she would notice it.
"Ray, please." She looked at him imploringly with those big, melting, brown eyes.
"Please, what?"
"Please, don't be like that."
"You never gave me a chance to be any other way, Neela."
"Do you want me to apologize for having a relationship with Tony? Because I'm not about to do it."
He remained silent.
"Ray."
"I heard you loud and clear. You're with Gates, you made your choice, I don't come into the equation anywhere here."
"Don't."
"Don't what, Neela? Don't remind you how I've been here, waiting, wondering and hoping all for nothing?"
"I don't have to listen to this." She made to leave.
"Of course not, because then maybe you'll have to face the fact that you actually made a mistake for once!"
"How dare you!" He sensed her anger flaring. She stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, her eyes smoldering.
"I dare because you've just strung me along like a damn doll. You know how I feel, yet you pretend I don't exist or something."
"I'm not going to stand here and get accusations thrown at me from you, of all people." She began to head for the door.
Something inspired him to jump up from his reclined position and block her exit.
"I'm not finished."
"Get out of my way, Ray. You're not going to achieve anything by being immature."
She tried to side step out of his way but he was too quick for her. In a matter of moments she was struggling to free herself from his firm hold on her waist.
"You know, I could call out for sexual harrassment or something."
"Go ahead." He knew she wouldn't. It was an empty threat.
She looked up at him, her expression stern and reprimanding. It reminded him of that time she was telling him off in front of the club for leaving his patient.
But he stared her down, his eyes searching hers for something. Anything. He didn't even know what he was really looking for.
After a few minutes her tense muscles relaxed and she let out another sigh. Her expression softened.
"I don't want things to be like this between us."
"You think I do?"
Sensing that she wasn't about to bail out of their conversation again he let go of her and turned away, running a frustrated hand through his hair.
"You know what I want, Neela."
"What you want?" He heard the disbelief in her voice, but he didn't care. "Since when has this been about what you want, Ray?"
"Since you denied us both. But you're getting the better end of the deal, so sorry if I'm being selfish for only thinking about myself here."
"Honestly! What the hell are you talking about?" She sounded so outraged it was almost convincing. Almost.
He turned to look her in the eye. The intensity of his gaze was unnerving her. He noticed a slender hand tapping nervously against her thigh.
"You really don't know?" His voice was a low, dangerous purr.
"No! So please, explain to me what it is I'm apparently denying the both of us?" She sounded impatient, but he could hear the subtle hint of panic laced in her words. Like she'd rather not know the answer.
He decided that he wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily. Not this time.
"This."
He took a step forward which instinctively made her take a step back, but he grabbed a hold of her hand and pulled her towards him. This time she wasn't going to be given a chance to walk away.
"What are you doing now?"
"I'm answering your question."
"I don't really think this is neces-"
Feeling his lips lightly skim across the sensitive skin below her ear robbed her of all speech.
"Ray, stop."
He lifted his head to look at her and shrugged. "You wanted to know."
She couldn't even think about a coherent answer as his head dipped down again and she felt his lips continue their ministrations on her neck, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. It was wrong but she didn't have the strength to push him away. Found that she didn't even want to. Closing her eyes she savoured the feel of him.
"Neela."
She opened her eyes at the sound of her whispered name. His face was barely inches away from hers, his hazel eyes bright with desire and something else she couldn't quite place.
"Do you still want me to stop?"
Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded once. The hurt in his eyes as he let his arms drop to his side was heartbreaking.
He took a step back away from her, silent. Turning away with his head down, he shoved his hands in his pockets and waited for her to leave. Again.
The sound of the door opening and closing made him cringe. He swore softly under his breath.
He was a fool.
In his despair he barely noticed that someone had come up behind him. He jumped slightly as he felt a hand on his back.
Turning around to face yet another intruder, he stopped short.
It was her.
"You're right."
The elation in his heart as she cupped his face in her hands and met his lips with hers was like nothing he had felt before. The softness of her lips moving against his own, the feel of her body against his, it was all so...surreal. Something he had only dreamed about.
She withdrew her lips from his and paused to look at him, her eyes bright, her cheeks rosey. There was a question there.
He stroked the smoothness of her cheeks with the back of his hand, feeling a lump catch in his throat as she smiled softly, closed her eyes and nuzzled into his caress.
When she opened her eyes again, those beautiful dark eyes, he knew.
And as his lips descended on hers again, he was even surer.
This wasn't just a dream anymore.
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On and off.
The momentary flickering of light.
Then darkness.
All was lost in the moment.
The sound of the door opening and closing was but a noise in the distance.