A/N: Post Asylum, because let's face it, there's more to that story. I'm going out on a limb and assuming that Kate's dad knows at least a little bit about Daniel's condition. 'White Dove' lyrics by Cider Sky. Seriously, this band makes beautiful, haunting music.
Boundary
Keep holding on to let go
This is the ending I know
It cuts me right to the bone
This is the ending I know
Kate left the hospital Daniel was recuperating in feeling oddly defeated. She'd nearly lost her best friend to a mad man today, one who belonged in an asylum himself. What if she hadn't gotten there in time? What if she hadn't listened to Zoe's pleas that the glorified boogeyman that lived in the basement was real? What if she'd been there to prevent all of this in the first place? And the question that made that defeat course through her veins like cruel, bitter, ice: was she really any good for Daniel at all?
Her presence in his life caused disruption and chaos. How many times had his life been threatened because of a case she was working? He'd walked into a hostage situation blindly to confront a disgruntled son with a bomb; his sanity had been ripped from him because of a conspiracy he conjured in his mind, and now he'd nearly been hanged by a drug-addicted orderly with a reputation to protect.
Kate sat in her car, dropping her face into the palms of her small, trembling hands. She couldn't do this to him anymore. His routine hung in shambles, his mind scarred and fragile. He was strong, she knew, but there was only so much he could take, only so long he could push back the demons.
Rexford had been her fault, both times. She'd left him and he'd crumbled. She'd returned with her puzzles and cases and crimes, and he'd fallen apart again. She wouldn't be the reason he went back for another tour.
She closed her eyes, biting back tears as she put the car in gear and took off into the night, finding herself at her father's bar. He didn't know the situation between her and Daniel, other than the embarrassing knowledge that she had a crush on said professor, but she'd take any insight she could get.
Joe Moretti had a knack for knowing what troubled a person; he'd owned a bar for awhile now and the troubles of others came with lengthy bar tabs. His daughter's messy divorce weighed on his shoulders, knowing it all could have been prevented if he hadn't come on so strongly about his distaste for her ex-husband. She'd always been strong willed, and he only hoped she learned a lesson from her fruitless, youthful escapade. Granted, he wished there'd been a better outcome.
"So you left your ex in charge of my bar?" Joe asked with a quirk in his voice. He couldn't help wanting to push her buttons just a bit. She was his daughter after all, and stubborn ran in the family.
Kate dropped heavily onto one of the bar stools. "Dad…not right now," she answered quietly.
"Alright, what happened? It had to have been big, otherwise you wouldn't have left him to cover for you, and even I know that," Joe said, pouring her a beer behind the bar.
Her smile was sad. "You remember Daniel, my former professor? The one that consults on some of my cases?"
Joe nodded. "Yeah, the one with the sweaters. What happened? He didn't hurt you did he?"
Kate laughed, waving her hands at her father's tone. "No, no, he'd never do that. Something bad almost happened to him today, and I was lucky I found him in time. I think…I'm worried that I'm not good for him, dad. He doesn't stick to his routine, he goes off on these cases without me all of a sudden, and I wonder if he's trying to compensate for the time he spent in the hospital or if he's trying to prove a point. I'm afraid that one day I won't be able to save him, and I can't let that happen. He's…my best friend."
Joe sighed, cleaning a glass. "Well, your first problem is not acknowledging how you really feel."
She knit her forehead. Her father never came across this bluntly, especially towards her.
"Katie, you used to talk about him non stop! Every meal, it was Professor Pierce this and Professor Pierce that! I don't think you ever mentioned what other courses you were taking." Kate winced. He had a point. "I mean, we knew you had a crush, but I think over the years it grew, and after the ordeal you went through with Donnie, you've finally turned back to something more…stable."
"Wow, dad, are you actually telling me you approve of Daniel?" She asked, genuinely surprised and a bit skeptical. "Have you been drinking?"
He shot her a raised eyebrow. "Look, I know this professor has his mental problems, but he has a steady job, he seems…real…like he cares about you but is too afraid to admit it from what you tell me. And honestly, he doesn't strike me as the type to go off and sleep with your best friend."
Kate had to chuckle at that. He more or less shied away from females, whether they were students or women his own age strictly because he assumed they were all trying to sleep with him, which she found hilarious. She flushed slightly, realizing in some aspect she fell into that category, though her intentions were far more pure and lasting. She'd passed the crush stage a long time ago, and even with Donnie she knew she'd never love him like she loved Daniel. Donnie was the comfortable argument she used to wedge between herself and her father's disapproving glare as a stubborn twenty something wanting to be taken seriously.
"No, dad, definitely not," she answered him wistfully. Kate pushed her beer back and forth between her palms, watching as it slid on the condensation. If she told Daniel it was time to take a break he'd think she was pushing him away and that she was coddling him. If she let him stay on, his routine would only continue to dissolve and further push his mental state closer to the precipice it balanced on. It was time to create new boundaries, she decided, clenching the glass.
"How about I refill that for you," Joe said quietly, watching the emotions and decisions flicker across his daughter's face.
"Sure dad."
XOX
"I can't believe you did that to yourself, let alone Kate!" Natalie yelled angrily. She hadn't made any appearances since his stay at the asylum, and it seemed three in the morning was when she decided to make her presence known. "You literally almost died, Daniel!"
He sighed, listening to her barrage of scolding. "You don't think I know that? I was there! What does it even matter, Kate saved me."
"And what if next time she isn't there to save you, Daniel? What then?"
Daniel bit his lip. He didn't have a comeback for that one.
"Exactly," Natalie continued on her tirade. "And what about Kate? Did you see the look on her face? She was devastated! You gave that girl more cause to worry about your mental health, and she should. What you did was insane."
"I know!" Daniel snapped at his friend. She stepped back, shrinking away, and he changed his tone, defeat creeping in. "I don't want to talk about it! All I see is her face, Natalie, and all that…pain and worry. I can't be what hold's her back. I can't be the crippling shadow in her career. I think…I think I need to stop."
It was whispered and hollow, and the words made him feel empty. To not work with Kate was the hardest thing he'd have to do. She brought him eloquent puzzles that he soaked up like a sponge and kept him sane. Maybe it helped that she was a puzzle he was always trying to solve. The pint-sized freshman with her hand always in the air becoming the tough, thrill seeking FBI agent. She'd become more than just another student long ago, and more than just a friend. He almost…relied on her company.
"Daniel…let's not jump to conclusions here. Why don't you think about it, give it time. Don't make a snap decision."
"I know Natalie, I just…can't have her keep saving me."
Natalie frowned.
"Tread carefully Daniel," she added softly, before disappearing.
XOX
He was released the following day, able to return to class and his routine. He hoped Kate would be the one greeting him at the hospital exit, but wasn't surprised to find Lewicki with an expression as reproachful as Kate and Natalie had when they each confronted him.
Daniel shrugged and Lewicki shook his head, clearly agitated. He thought he caught the tail end of "can't leave him alone for one day," drifting from the grad student's lips as he opened the car door.
He wanted to call Kate. He wanted to talk.
He wanted a lot of things he couldn't have.
XOX
Kate alternatively picked up the phone and then set it back down. He was speed dial two, her father being one, of course. She couldn't bring herself to call him though.
He needed space from her and her lifestyle. Maybe Lewicki had been right last year, warning her of the disorder she caused. She loved him, unfathomably so, and maybe it was time to let him go.
She'd never be good for him.
XOX
"Are you sure you want me to drop you off here Doc?" Lewicki questioned again. Daniel hadn't spoken to him along the ride, but halted him outside Kate's apartment. He knew something was going on in the Doc's mind, but he couldn't figure out what it was. Something changed him in that basement.
"Yeah, Lewicki, I'm sure. You don't have to wait, I'll find my own way back," Daniel responded quietly. Lewicki was suspicious of the Doc's intentions. His countenance was grim, his posture slumped. He could only imagine what the Doc had to say to Kate.
"If you're sure," said Lewicki, waiting to put the car in gear as Daniel climbed out.
Daniel waved Lewicki off, and the grad student left hesitantly. Despite anything that was about to happen, he knew Kate wouldn't let the Doc find his own way home. She'd certainly call him a cab at the very least. She cared too much for Daniel.
And that, Lewicki realized, was more than likely the problem.
XOX
The light knock on her front door brought Kate out of her reverie. Her cell phone was once again gripped in her palm, and she set the device down quickly. Being a Saturday, she wasn't exactly prepared for company. The kitchen was a mess from a lazy breakfast, her appearance disheveled and as she glanced in the hall mirror, she grimaced at the fact that she was still in pajamas. Fortunately she primarily wore yoga clothes to bed, so at the very least she looked…awake. Her emerald green tank and black pants would have to do.
She tucked a few strands of her auburn hair behind her ears as they fell from the loose, limp ponytail she'd thrown it up into as she glanced through her door's peephole.
Daniel. Of course.
Now she really wished she'd taken a moment to change. Kate huffed, turning the deadbolt and opening the door. "Daniel," she said warily.
He gave her a slight smile, accidentally focusing too long on her appearance. She crossed her arms over her chest defensively as he moved through the threshold. "Sorry, I didn't exactly give you any warning I was coming over," he answered apologetically.
She shrugged. "It's okay. Typical Saturday for me."
"You do yoga in the morning? You strike as more of a…kick boxing sort of girl," Daniel tried to lighten the mounting tension.
Kate knit her forehead. "Thanks, I think?" She desperately wanted to change the topic. This was quickly becoming awkward, and she hated being awkward with Daniel. It usually meant something was wrong. "So…what brings you to my apartment on this brisk Saturday morning?"
He blanched a little, not wanting to broach his purpose for coming here yet. "Ah, you know what, why don't I let you change first, you look uncomfortable," Daniel said, trying to look anywhere but at her. Kate's lips quirked in a small smile.
"Are you sure you're not the one who's uncomfortable?" she teased lightly. What was with her anyway? She never acted like this.
"Yes, well, there's that. Just…humor me," he replied, clearly flustered. She rolled her eyes, taking pity on him.
"Fine, have a seat, make yourself at home. I'll be out in a few."
Daniel ran a hand through his unruly hair, anxiously tapping his foot. How do you tell your best friend you can't work with her anymore?
She emerged less than ten minutes later, bearing dark denim jeans and a navy Henley tee. Her hair was brushed, kinking slightly from the indents of her ponytail and face free of the previous night's smudged eyeliner.
She was beautiful, youthful, almost glowing. Good genes had been bestowed upon her, even if she was often thought younger than her age allowed. He chalked it up to jealousy on the part of the Botox injecting crowd of women who only wished to be so gifted. He knew plenty of them, after all.
Kate sighed, taking a seat in the chair across from Daniel. "So…what brings you here?" she repeated.
He gaped like a fish for a few moments, searching for the words. "I don't think I can work with you anymore," he blurted.
Instant hurt befell her bright face. "What…what do you mean?"
"I can't have you constantly looking over your shoulder for me, saving me. It's too much Kate, and I never should have gone back to working with you in the first place. It…it was bad for me the first time I did, and I should have learned my lesson then."
Kate looked away, unable to look him in the eye. She twisted the edge of her shirt brutally, trying to quell the rising fear and sadness. So she was right. She was bad for him.
"I see," she whispered. "I wish you'd told me how you felt earlier." Kate stood then, walking mindlessly to her kitchen, placing dishes from breakfast in the sink.
"Daniel," he turned to find Natalie in Kate's place on the chair. "You're doing it again. I swear, you're the worst at confrontation!"
Kate turned on the sink, drowning out her ability to hear him converse with his hallucination.
"What do you mean? I told her the truth, she can move on!" he whisper shouted.
Natalie shook her head, irritated. "You just basically told Kate she was the reason you ended up in Rexford, that working with her was a bad idea!"
He opened his mouth to correct her when he replayed his wording, flinching when he realized she was right. "Shit," he mumbled.
"Kate," he said softly, approaching her at the sink. "I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't. I'm sorry."
Kate shook her head, back still to him. "I wish I could believe that," her muffled voice responded. She reached for another dish, and Daniel put his hand over hers, forcing it back down on the table. "Daniel," she said darkly.
"Kate," he answered back just as coolly. Both had the startling notion they'd never been angry or hurtful with each other. First time for everything. Kate laughed sardonically, stepping away from the sink, leaving two feet between her and Daniel. He felt a twinge of pain when he noticed the unshed tears she was fighting back. His opinion of her was something she held in high regard, and he'd torn it apart.
"You don't talk to me Daniel, ever. It's always work, it's never personal. You refuse any attempt I make at inviting you out for so much as a burger. You're afraid to let me see you talk to walls when I already know you do and have seen it myself! Jesus, you opened up to Caroline Neusome, a woman you briefly encountered at a concert in college and made up a whole fantasy life about, but you won't dare open up to me! I care about you, Daniel, but everything I know about you is from your books. We've known each other for thirteen years, and I don't even know your favorite color," Kate said witheringly. "But this new side of you that runs off without telling me, that no longer trusts me for some reason or other, if you ever did, has me wondering if maybe you're right. Clearly I'm no good for you, Daniel. Yesterday proved that. We're done."
She turned back to the sink, leaning heavily against it. Daniel swallowed thickly, stunned. "If that's what you want," he said faintly, cowardly, he knew. He was a coward when it came to Kate. She was too important to lose.
"You're already losing her Daniel," Natalie said gently from the corner. "Offer her something about yourself. All she wants is to really know you. She's hurt, because you were so open with Caroline and you won't be that with her."
Daniel shook his head, running his hand through his hair again.
"I can't lose you Kate. I'm too afraid I'll lose you if you have to keep saving me. That's what I meant, not that you were bad for me. If I get myself in trouble, and you get hurt, or worse, trying to help, I couldn't live with myself."
She was throwing her arms around his neck before he knew what was happening. They never did…this. They barely touched, despite the brief hand holding at the hospital and the occasional way she tied his scarf around his neck. It was different…nice, he thought, as he wrapped his arms around her lithe form.
He rested his cheek against the side of her head, smelling jasmine and lavender in her hair. "Sometimes I worry about me, more than I let on," he offered softly. She choked out a small laugh.
"I could have chosen any consultant I wanted, and I chose you," she said tentatively.
He grinned. "Why, exactly, did you choose me? The FBI had to have questions why you wanted a crazy man as your consultant."
"You're the best. I wanted the best. I wanted you," Kate answered, burying her head a little further away, not wanting to give away the flush on her face.
"I knew it would be a disruption in my routine, my life, working with you Kate. I knew the risks, both mentally and physically. I don't want you to blame yourself for my actions. Sometimes I forget I'm just a professor, I don't carry the badge or the gun."
Kate laughed. "I wish you'd remember that before you go off on your own. Without telling me," she emphasized dryly. "It's okay that you want to help people, you're not bound to me, but I just want you to trust me a little Daniel."
He pushed her back gently, staring at her curiously. "I do trust you Kate, even if you do work for The Man," he added for her benefit. "You're probably the only person I do trust, aside from Lewicki. I think I just wanted to be…normal, just for a moment. You know about my condition, but not everyone does and it gives me a sort of freedom I can't have with you."
The hurt crept back into her brown eyes but it was fleeting. She understood where he was coming from, no matter her feelings on the matter. "You know I don't judge you Daniel, I couldn't possibly. I don't pity you or ever feel ashamed to call you my friend. I hope you know that."
He pushed a strand of her hair over her ear. Again with the touching. He couldn't stop it now. "I know Kate, I know. I think it was easy to open up to Caroline because I didn't know her, and she didn't know me. But I couldn't trust her with Natalie, or when I stopped taking my meds, and she didn't know my favorite color either."
She raised an eyebrow at his attempted humor, feeling more at ease. "What if we set some new boundaries? If you want to consult with other agents or lawyers, at least give me a heads up so I don't worry. And also, don't come up with half brained schemes that cause me to worry. I want you to work with me Daniel, I enjoy it immensely. It's fun, and it keeps me sharp. I'm always learning from you," she said, a shy smile touching her lips.
"I really should start charging for my services," Daniel answered good-naturedly. She gave him a light punch on the shoulder. "Your boundaries are acceptable, but you know I only like working with you, right? I didn't totally lie when you came back and asked why I quit. It wasn't right, working with someone else. You're all I wanted, Kate."
Her smile froze as the conversation took a turn. "What are you saying?" she asked carefully, trying to figure out if her mind was playing tricks on her or if she was hearing something he wasn't actually saying.
"You know what I'm saying," Daniel said delicately, afraid to scare her off.
She closed her eyes against the thoughts playing out before her. "But why now?"
"It's terrifying, not knowing if you're going to make it out of a situation alive," he started, hearing a resounding noise from the back of Kate's throat. If anyone knew, it was her. "I haven't had those frequent close calls, a scrape here or there, the occasional hostage situation. Nearly being hanged by a disgruntled, albeit oblivious, drug-addicted orderly has put things in perspective. I've been a coward."
Kate sighed, grasping his hand in hers. "You're not the only coward in the room. Despite my many close encounters I still can't face my scariest reality."
"And what's that?" Daniel asked, keenly aware of what it was.
She looked away. The fear was inescapable after all, something she lived with because she had to. Daniel tilted her chin up with his index finger. "Admitting how I feel about my brilliant former professor. I never wanted to be one of those girls who fawned over their teacher, or gained that reputation. Even after I graduated it wouldn't go away, that feeling. I asked you to consult to be closer to you, to really know you."
"It's not like I could have said no to you Kate. I never could. There are times I still see you as my student, and then I have to take a moment and realize you're a fully grown woman capable of making her own decisions about what she wants. I like you, a lot, Kate Moretti."
Kate blushed furiously, reading between the unmistakable lines. "I like you a lot too, Daniel."
Without thinking too much about her actions, she leaned into Daniel, pushing up on her tiptoes and quickly, gently, kissed him. It was no more than a chaste brush of lips, a peck really, but he felt the rush of electricity, that almost always out of reach spark people waxed poetic about.
They stood in silence for a long moment, reveling in newfound feelings and crossed boundaries. He felt lighter, unburdened, as he gripped her hand.
"How about lunch?" Daniel asked with a smirk.
"I think I have pasta," Kate answered, mentally checklisting her fridge and pantry.
Daniel shook his head. "I'm sure you do, but why don't we go out?"
Kate's smile, if possible, grew even wider.
"Yeah, why not? Just…let me grab my coat and bag. I'll meet you by the door," she replied, a wistful tone coating her voice. He watched every movement she made, captivated. She was fidgeting with her scarf when he felt the urge to offer another piece of himself to the small, pixie of a woman he could now call more than just his friend.
"Blue."
She looked up curiously. "Blue, what?"
The look on his face was sly, keeping a secret she'd try to pry from him later. Blue was an utterly ethereal compliment to her pale skin and brown eyes. He wondered if she knew it.
"My favorite color."