What They Don't Know...
It's a disease, this obsession. It's a plague, slaughtering my senses and sucking me into this void, devouring my mind and leaving nothing. It's an all consuming threat on my sanity. It's the only thing that's keeping me in this hell.
It was an accident. Nothing planned or calculated, just a spontaneous instance of happenstance. It was only a mild flirtation in the beginning. Hidden glances, secret smiles, and stolen touches. Then, one day, it turned to so much more. It was as if neither of us could do anything to stop it. And in that instant we were hooked. We kept coming back for more, and every time we'd tell ourselves it was the last. The last kiss, the last caress, the last time. No one ever needed to know. And no one does.
We never intended to carry it this far. We both said it was just the one time, and yet somehow we both continued on with our affair. Now we're stuck in this lie, knowing it can't go on forever, yet having no clue how to end it... without telling them. Even telling them might not end it.
But telling my friends presents a problem. This is surely grounds for ending our friendship. Aside from that though, if anyone else ever found it, it would mean the end for us. And I'm not talking about the end of our relationship. It would be used against us, and could even get us killed.
Yet, I feel the need to tell them. I don't know how I've kept it from them all these months. We tell each other everything. I don't know how they haven't noticed either. We haven't been as careful as we should have been.
We were very nearly found out once. We pretended he needed tutoring, as an excuse to be alone. Harry barged into the classroom we were using and found us in varying states of undress, with seemingly little tutoring or learning going on. We claimed a spell had gone awry and had shrunk some of our clothes. It seemed to satisfy him. Once he had left, I told him we had to end it.
"What do you mean?" he asked me.
"Draco, he almost caught us!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he sighed, looking sad. "But he didn't."
"He could have," I said, trying to make him see sense. "what's worse, it could have been one of your friends. Where would we be then?"
"I know, love, I know" he sounded defeated.
"If it had been one of them, it could get us killed. Doesn't that bother you?"
"Of course it does! But I..." he paused, as if unable to say what he wanted.
"What?" I pleaded. "You what?"
"I can't stop."
He didn't elaborate. I didn't ask him to. I knew exactly what he meant. He felt the same thing I felt. That addicting feeling. The feeling that we were doing something horrible, something that had to be kept from everyone. It was in that moment that I knew I could stop either, not matter what it might cost me. What it surely will cost me.
It's becoming destructive. I'm like his puppet, his pet. No matter how many times he kicks me, I keep coming back to him. He acts as if I don't exist when he's around his friends.
I'm merely an afterthought. The outlet for some pent up emotion that they never need to know about. That no one ever needs to know about.
I think my friends are beginning to suspect something. Perhaps we act too indifferent toward one another when they're around. Gone are the cold insults and glares we once shared, replaced with a pseudo-obliviousness to each others existence. They've been asking questions. They've hinted that they know, saying the might forgive me if I'd done something wrong, and talking about how much I meant to them. Worse yet, his friends have been asking questions. People mus know. Yet we still haven't called this off.
I think, sometimes, that if I just came clean, they might not hate me forever. I can't bare the thought of them hating me. They're the only real friends I've ever had, and here I've gone and stabbed them in their backs. I deserve their hatred. But I can't tell them. I can't give him up just yet. I'm not ready to lose all of them. If I don't tell them, they'll never know...and I can stay with him a while. And besides... what they don't know, won't hurt them.
Author's Note: It's been a very long time since I've written any fan fiction. Actually it's been a very long time since I've written pretty much anything. Please let me know what you think. Constructivecriticism is welcomed and encouraged! Thanks for reading!