My Version of the Secret Diaries:
Day 1: Have decided to go on a journey to Mordor and ask Sauron (since he's always bragging about being the maker of the One Ring) to make ME a ring! Of course I want it to be silver, not that tacky gold color and much prettier!
Day 2: After getting lost, I have decided to seek out Aragorn and ask him to lead me to Mordor. Since I have heard that he is a pervy hobbit fancier, I have decided to curl my hair and walk around wearing a fat suit and tacky hobbit clothing.
Day 3: I ran into Aragorn at the Prancing Pony and he was convinced at once that I was hobbit and agreed to lead me to anywhere my heart desires. But when he said that we should spend the night at the Prancing Pony, and just get one room because "it was much cheaper" I refused and he walked away in a huff, muttering something about being the heir to the thrown of Gondor. Yeah right, if he's the king of Gondor, then I'm the elf Queen of Mirkwoood.
Day 8: Aragorn had showed up early in the morning of Day 4 and said that we had to visit Weather Top along the way because he had some hobbit "friends" waiting there for him. Well when we reached there, one of his silly little "friends" (i think his name was Frodo)got himself stabbed by one of those black riders who, like the hobbits, have no fashion sense.
Day 9: Am positively going to go insane if Frodo doesn't quit screeching every few seconds!
Day 10: Some twitty elf girl (who had totally over done her makeup) came up and offered to give FRODO a ride because FRODO looked tired. She didn't even ask if any of us, or should I say me, wanted a ride!!! So now FRODO gets a nice little ride all the way to Rivendell and we have to walk the whole way!! I feel a pout coming on.
Day 15: We finally reached Rivendell, starving(the one called Pippin had decided to have a little snack when we weren't looking), tired, and cranky to find Frodo perfectly well rested and fed. Am really annoyed.
Day 16: After attending special secret council thing, I have decided to go with that annoying little hobbit to Mordor. Now i have a whole little fellowship leading me there (go me!).
Day 20: After wandering around in Moria for a very long time, have started to wonder if Gandalf is just leading us in circles. Have decided not to ask though, since I'm afraid of pointy hat.
Day 22: After Pippin "accidently" knocked a skeleton down a well, there was a big fight with the orcs. Apparently, they were all in the middle of their "beauty sleep" but I find that very hard to believe since they are all utterly hideous. In midst of fight, Frodo got the wind knocked out of him and Aragorn insisted upon giving him C.P.R. It wasn't until Frodo was sitting upright again and Sam had "accidently" poked him in the side with his sword a couple of times that he stopped. Am convinced Aragorn has a thing for Frodo, but Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day 22 1/2: After having a fight with an old girl friend (or maybe it was a boy friend, i couldn't really tell), Gandalf fell down a really big hole. Everyone seemed really sad, but i did not cry since I've seen the previews for the next movie. Legolas did have a go at cheering everyone up though by doing a nude rendition of Simarillion: the Musical. Only Pippin seemed to enjoy it though, and Legolas stalked off to have 9,000 year old elf prince fit. After watching his performance, am starting to wonder if am really only girl in fellowship.
Day 24: Have reached Lothlorien. Legolas and Galadriel decided to have a contest to see who could flance around best whil carrying a water pitcher. When Galadriel won, Legolas stalked off to have another one of his fits.
Day 25: Last night Frodo walked off and claimed to have been looking into Galadriel's mirror. I could tell that Sam didn't believe him.
Day 26: We set out today on the river Anduin. Galadriel and a couple other elves were going to come with us, but had to turn back when their boat mysteriously sprung a leak. I think it may have had something to do with Sam on acount on him arriving soaking wet to breakfast this morning and claiming he fell inot the sink and because of the smirk he had on his face as Galadriel's boat began to take on water.
Day 30: Am positive Legolas is Gay on acount of the fact I over heard him telling Aragorn that "a shadow of threat was growing in his mind". Am also linking Merry to the Uruk-Hai using Boromir for target practice because I caught him huddling over Boromir while he was sleeping with a can of paint.
Day 30 1/2: While Frodo was giving Sam swimming lessons, I climbed into their boat and hid under a blanket.
Day 40: After following Frodo and Sam for many days, we have finally reached the gates of Mordor. They decided to take the long way in, so I ditched them and walked right up and rung the door bell. One of the guardes asked me what I was and (figuring they were probably pervy hobbit fanciers like evryone these days) I told them I was a hobbit. As soon as I said that, they let me right in. But once they realized I wasn't really a hobbit (they were much brighter than any of the fellowship), they lost interst.
Day 41: After finding my way through the firery chasms and poisonous gases, I finally reached Barrad Dur. It was easy to tell that Sauron had hired a decorator (the flower vases and pony pictures are so not him).
Day 42: I had finally made it to the topmost tower only to be kicked out again by a heart-broken Sauron (apparently Saruman had just broken up with him). So now I'll never get my ring! Oh well, I guess I'll just go shoping at the Gap of Rohan.