Title : Heartless
Fandom: Loveless (manga/anime)
Spoilers: A few, some for episoides eight and nine, no other really specific ones
Pairing: Soubi/Ritsuka, Soubi/Kio
Rating: R
Warnings: Umm, hints of non-con, mild sex-scene and other regular Loveless warnings.
Disclaimer : If I owned this, they would never loose their cat ears okay? Henceforth me no own, you no sue, got it?
Summary: Bah ((Translation - Ish too lazy to write one))
AN: Longest fanfic I've written on my own w00t!
Just to inform:
Baka - idiot/stupid
Oyasumi - Goodnight
He was a failure, idiot and delinquent. He would never be anything more than an intruder in his own home. His only sin was existing, and it was unforgivable. He knew that, and up until a short time ago, he had accepted that that was the way it would always be.
Then Soubi had come along, and soon after that, Yuiko and Yayoi-san and slowly, Ritsuka had come to trust himself, trust that maybe he was allowed to live as he wished, allowed to be happy, that maybe, his sin wasn't so great after all and he wasn't just a poor substitute to the Ritsuka he had once been.
Trust had always been an issue with him. He had trusted few times in his life and it had led to nothing good, just pain, and betrayal. The last person he had trusted had been Seimei and, after his murder, Ritsuka had discovered that his brother had been lying to him, keeping things from him, the entire time.
Ritsuka had hated the conflict and confusion Soubi had brought with him at first, his lies were blatant and frequent, hurting him more than they should. Time had changed that slightly however, and, while Soubi still lied to him, and kept things from him, he was doing it far less frequently. The lies Soubi told, and the things that he kept secret from him, Ritsuka knew, were meant, in Soubi's messed up way, to protect him, but it hurt that Soubi didn't trust him enough to let him make those kind of decisions for himself.
Despite that, Ritsuka did care for Soubi.
He had no reason to believe Soubi's frequent confessions. He had known almost from the beginning that they were only words and that faithful Soubi was only following Seimei's orders. Even so, Ritsuka wanted to believe him. Wanted to believe he was loved so badly that he let himself believe it.
Ritsuka thought it was only this belief that allowed him to get up in the morning and face all that he had to face.
Even now as he sat through another boring class he though only of Soubi, who would probably be waiting just outside the school for him. His tail twitched impatiently as he eyed the clock.
It seemed like forever until the bell rang to dismiss them and when it did, Ritsuka packed up quickly, saying goodbye to Yuiko and Yayoi-san who were heading to a movie together now.
Recently, the two had been hanging out together more often and it had made Ritsuka a little lonely, though he was happy for his friends.
Once outside, he quickly spotted Soubi standing in his customary place by the gates, smoking as usual. He smiled lightly when he saw Ritsuka heading his way.
Ritsuka returned the smile, while Soubi dropped his cigarette to the ground, crushing it beneath his heel. "Ritsuka," the adult whispered once Ritsuka had come close enough, "I love you."
Ritsuka blushed lightly and shook his head to hide it, silently exalting in the confession. "I told you not to say that."
Soubi only smiled mysteriously and grabbed his hand and Ritsuka knew he understood.
"What would you like to do today Ritsuka?" Soubi asked, entwining his fingers with Ritsuka's.
Ritsuka thought only briefly of the homework, heavy in his bag, before dismissing it. It was easy enough to do and would only take him a moment or two at home anyway.
They ended up going to the park, just walking, still hand in hand, watching the somewhat-peace and beauty of the place. Ritsuka watched some children playing something a short distance away, starting when he realised he didn't really consider himself one of them anymore. He had been through so much more, seen so much more.
Soubi must have noticed the distressed look he wore for he stopped. "Ritsuka?"
Ritsuka was still watching the children. "I'm different than them, aren't I Soubi," Ritsuka asked, his voice hushed and sad.
"Why do you say that?"
"I dunno, I just . . . don't feel the same," he couldn't properly put into words how he felt, so he didn't try.
"Ritsuka," Soubi said, stroking a gentle hand across his hair, "you are still just a child." Ritsuka nodded, turning away, disappointed that Soubi had not understood him, but Soubi's hand, still clasped his tightly, keeping him from leaving. "You are still just a child," Soubi continued making sure Ritsuka was listening, "But you are not like them," he gestured to the children, still playing giddily with each other on the dying grass. "You are stronger."
Ritsuka blinked before lowering his eyes, unable to face Soubi's intense stare. "Baka Soubi," he muttered forcing back tears, his voice full of emotion he didn't want Soubi to see.
He felt Soubi's hand beneath his chin, enforcing a gentle pressure and lifting his head. He was surprised to see the adult's face just inches from his own and his cheeks went bright red as he tried to back away, and put distance between them.
The hand not hold his head up slipped around his waist to rest in the small of his back, just above his wildly twitching tail, effectively trapping him. "Ritsuka," Soubi breathed, leaning in closer and making Ritsuka's heart pound, "I love you."
The adult breached the rest of the distance between them, pressing his lips to the younger boys. Ritsuka's eyes slid shut involuntarily as he gave into the strange sensations, heat traveling through him as Soubi's soft lips, caressed his own.
The gentle pressure retreated and Ritsuka opened his yes to see Soubi's smug smile. His face flamed when he realised what had happened, what he had allowed his Fighter to do. "Soubi!"
"You're so cute Ritsuka."
He hadn't thought it was possible for his face to get any redder, but it did. Soubi laughed. "Shut up bastard," Ritsuka snapped, turning intending to run away from the embarrassing adult. Soubi caught his arm, much like he had the first day they had met and Ritsuka had been running away from Yuiko and her unintentionally hurtful words.
"Let go!" Ritsuka ordered wanting to run from emotions he could no more understand than Soubi himself.
To his surprise Soubi let him go without a fuss, and Ritsuka stumbled slightly from the abrupt release. "I love you Ritsuka," was all he said, the smug smile replaced by a more serious, concerned look.
Ritsuka dropped his hands to his side, not looking at his Fighter. "I . . . I should go home," he whispered, wanting to be with Soubi longer but desperately wanting to escape from him. "My curfew—"
"Isn't for a few hours yet Ritsuka," Soubi interrupted gently.
"Soubi please . . ."
"Allow me to walk you home then Ritsuka."
"Only if you don't try anything you perverted adult," Risuka said playfully, feeling slightly more comfortable.
Soubi frowned. "Ritsuka, I'm not a pervert."
Ritsuka laughed lightly at that and Soubi looked slightly offended, following him anyway when he started to walk.
For a while they walked in comfortable silence, Soubi's hand having somehow wormed its way into his again. However, about a block from Ritsuka's house Soubi spoke. He was so startled by the sudden break in silence, he missed what Soubi had said.
"I won't be able to pick you up from school tomorrow," Soubi repeated when Ritsuka asked.
Ritsuka blinked and stopped, "Why?"
"I have to work on a piece Kio and I are doing to for the culminating activity this semester. It's due Friday."
"Oh," Ritsuka said a little disappointed. With as much time as Soubi spent with him it was easy to forget that he was a college student. He felt a little selfish for stealing all of Soubi's time like he was, and wondered absently, when his Fighter found time to do any other assignments he undoubtedly had.
Soubi suddenly ruffled his hair affectionately. "Don't worry Ritsuka. We're still connected. If you get lonely, just call."
Blushing and angry at himself for being so selfish, Ritsuka glared at the adult. "I won't."
"Just call," Soubi repeated.
Ritsuka sighed, not really wanting to argue right now and they continued walking until they were stopped in front of Ritsuka's house. "Oyasumi, Ritsuka," Soubi said, trailing slender fingers across the back of his hand as he released it.
"Oyasumi, Soubi," Ritsuka returned, ignoring how empty and cold his hand felt without Soubi's big palm pressed against his, long painters fingers interwoven with his own shorter fingers.
Just as he opened the door, and began to step inside he heard Soubi whisper, "I love you, Ritsuka."
Ritsuka pretended he hadn't heard it, so as not to have to deal with the uncomfortable emotions that every confession brought, and closed the door without replying.
His mother, it seemed, was in a fairly good mood tonight. She had been surprised to see him home so early, as lately he had been coming home late, past curfew on occasions, or not at all, like the night he had found Soubi so injured and almost unconscious by the power lines.
He had been beaten pretty bad for that incident.
While she had still been disappointed when he had been forced, once again, to tell her that her Ritsuka had still not returned, she hadn't screamed, or started to throw things, which was always good. She had cried though, and the sight of her tears forever broke his heart. If he could, he would try and be her Ritsuka just to stop her tears.
All in all though, she had been fairly stable today. And so, he wasn't as cautious as he usually was when eating something she had cooked for him. After all, of late, she hadn't been testing him with food, instead, opting to buy lavish gifts and small trinkets, things she knew he hated or things she knew he would like.
It wore heavily on his father's bank account but Ritsuka knew his father was used to his wife's erratic behaviour by now and didn't blame her for it. It was Ritsuka's fault, not hers, that she was this way.
Still, he had thought she was fine, that he would be safe from her wrath today.
He had been wrong.
How could he have known picking that one seemingly innocent looking piece of food on the table could invoke such a reaction.
She stood so suddenly and violently that her chair toppled over with a crash behind her. At once, Ritsuka's blood went cold.
What came next was fast, furious and violent. Blows were delivered without mercy between undecipherable screams and it took a moment for Ritsuka's blurry eyes to recognise that she had a fork in her left hand and that she was glaring at him with murderous intent.
Ritsuka was cold, tired and in pain. Every gust of wind tore shivers from him that made all his aches and pain flare up in agony. He wanted, at this moment, nothing more than to curl up on the ground and sleep, but he was too close now to stop.
Soubi's apartment was only another block or two away. Soubi would let him in, help him to bandage up the wounds he couldn't. Soubi wouldn't judge him and maybe, just maybe, Soubi would hold him close to keep the loneliness and the pain that was more than physical at bay.
"Just a bit farther," he told himself out loud, surprised at how weak his voice sounded right now. He held one hand tight against his waist, as if in an attempt to hold himself upright. The other, hung limply at his side as he attempted to keep his hand from bumping against anything as he walked.
In the back of his hand were four tiny puncture marks, each bleeding steadily. It hadn't hurt all that much when she had first driven the fork into his hand, later though, when he had removed it, it had been agony.
Now it just throbbed and ached and bled.
He almost cried in relief when Soubi's apartment came into view. When he finally made it up to the door he knocked with his good hand and waited.
He nearly panicked when after several minutes there had been no answer. Until now, it hadn't even occurred to him that Soubi might not be home, that he might have just gone straight to the college to work on his project.
He hadn't called before he had come. He couldn't. Not with his phone still lying innocently on his desk upstairs and his mother still raging upstairs. He had not wanted to risk staying any longer.
He didn't know what he would do if Soubi wasn't home.
He reluctantly tried the door, surprised to find it unlocked. He hesitated for a moment, not sure whether or not to go inside. Soubi wouldn't mind if I crashed at his house, he reasoned, and, late as it was, sometime after midnight he guessed, Soubi was more likely at home, just sleeping. Properly convinced, he pushed open the door and froze.
Soubi, he realised at once, was home. However he was not alone.
Ritsuka's eyes widened, pain and exhaustion pushed to the back of his mind in the wake of what he saw.
He vaguely recognised the other adult. With his mint green hair and various piercings the man was easily recognisable, even in the dimly lit apartment. Yet, he had never seen the man like this before. Moaning, and writhing beneath Soubi's larger body, completely nude with his legs hiked up over the Fighter's shoulders, hands twisted in the sheets.
Though he couldn't quite see what they were doing, he knew, and, much as he wanted to say or do something, he couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't tear his eyes from the scene playing out in front of him.
"Ahh! Sou-chan!" Kio moaned loudly, arching into Soubi and opening his eyes wide.
With his eyes open he was able to clearly see Ritsuka standing frozen in the doorway. His look of pleasure became one of shock and he stilled against Soubi.
In turn, Soubi twisted to look at him, wanting to see what so held Kio's attention. Soubi's blue eyes locked with Ritsuka's own and that seemed to break his trance. Ritsuka stumbled backwards, bumping into the door and wincing in pain, mumbling a hurried apology before bolting out the still open door.
He ignored Soubi's call for him to stop, wanting nothing more than to get away from Soubi and what he had seen going on in that bedroom.
However that was not to be. At the bottom of the stairs, Soubi's arms came around him, holding him tight and trapping him in his embrace. For a moment he wondered how Soubi had caught up to him, but was reminded of the adult's longer legs and bigger stride as he was pulled tight against the still naked man's chest.
His entire body trembled in an effort to hold the tears welling in his eyes at bay.
"Ritsuka," Soubi whispered soothingly and against his will the tears came, hard and fast and as unstoppable as a flood. In response Soubi held him tighter and Ritsuka felt something hard pressing against his back, reminding him of what he had just witnessed and his attempts to escape doubled.
"Shh, Ritsuka, it's okay. I never meant for you to see that, I'm sorry Ritsuka. Don't cry."
"I'm not crying!" Ritsuka lied, trying to pull away but managing only to aggravate the wound on his hand. He was unable to keep from crying out in pain.
"You're hurt," Soubi said, surprised.
"No!"
"You are. Come inside," Soubi said sternly, turning and trying to guide him back up the stairs and into the apartment.
Why was he doing this? When was Soubi still pretending to care when he so obviously didn't? Ritsuka refused to be tricked again but he didn't have the energy left to try and fight the far stronger Soubi.
Numbly, tears still silently tumbling down his pale cheeks, Ritsuka allowed himself to be led back to Soubi's apartment. Soubi shut the door behind them and cautiously released Ritsuka, watching to see if he might fly away like the little birds that he had made to retreat in Ritsuka's first spell battle.
Soubi told him he was going to get dressed and get his first-aid supplies. Ritsuka knew the adult would be well stocked in supplies as he frequently came home bloodied and bruised from some spell battle or another that he had refused to tell Ritsuka about.
Soubi, then turned to a now fully clothed Kio. "Leave."
"Sou-chan," the other man pleaded, his eyes begging for something Ritsuka could not recognise.
"Get out Kio," Soubi repeated, his voice colder than ice and sharp as a knife, before disappearing into the bathroom.
For a brief moment the artist crumpled, his face twisted in pain, his eyes reflecting the same cold loneliness Ritsuka saw in his own violet eyes every time he looked into a mirror. Then, as quick as it had come, the pain was wiped clean and Kio turned to Ritsuka.
"I'm not sorry kid," he started harshly, "not for sleeping with Sou-chan. I'm sorry you had to see it though." Ritsuka blinked in uncomprehending confusion as he leaned against the wall to stay standing. "I know I'm just a substitute to Sou-chan, but I'll take what I can get, you can't begrudge me that," Kio continued, his eyes no longer focused on Ritsuka, but someplace far far away. "I'd like to say, 'I won't give him up without a fight' but then, he was never really mine in the first place was he?"
The bathroom door swung open before Ritsuka could think of a response to that and Soubi glared at Kio, "You're still here?"
Kio stood, sighing, "Don't worry Sou-chan, I'm leaving." He stretched slightly, his gaze wandering back to where Ritsuka still stood, "I take it you won't be in tomorrow."
"Apologize to Sensei for me."
"Hai, hai," Kio said dismissively, pulling open the door and disappearing into the night.
Ritsuka wondered how the artist was able to cover up his pain so easily and so well, and, absently, wish he could do the same. Things would be so much easier if he could.
"Ritsuka," Soubi said, pushing him towards the bed to sit, "Where are you hurt?"
Everywhere, Ritsuka wanted to answer, he was bruised all over, and he bled from scratches on his arms and neck from where his mother had scratched at him, then of course there was the pain deep inside him that was anything but physical, and delivered pain to every part of himself. Since the pain wasn't physical though, it couldn't be healed by gauze and antiseptic so he said instead, "My hand," and held the hand up for inspection.
His Fighter gasped and it was one of the few times he had seen Soubi so affected. "Ritsuka," Soubi began worriedly, "This is bad, I should take you to the hospital for this."
This drew a reaction from Ritsuka, "No!"
Soubi seemed surprised at his vehemence, "Why?"
"You didn't," Ritsuka shot back.
"That was different Ritsuka, I heal fast, you don't. So why?"
For a long moment Ritsuka said nothing, knowing his answer would anger Soubi and not finding a way to get around answering. "They'd get mum in trouble Soubi, you know that. No hospitals."
As he had expected his Fighter was angry, "Why should you want to protect that bitch? She hurts you!"
"You hurt me too Soubi, should I not want to protect you?"
That shut Soubi up, but he still had that same disgusted angry look on his face. "She's my mother Soubi."
"Let me kill her."
Ritsuka started at the coldly delivered words and grabbed Soubi's forearm with his undamaged hand. "No Soubi. You won't lay a hand on her. That's and order."
"Will you punish me if I disobey?"
"What? No Soubi, please . . . just leave her alone, please."
Finally Soubi gave in to the pleas of his wounded Sacrifice and silently turned to the first-aid supplies he'd brought with him from the bathroom. Ritsuka winced as Soubi gently cleaned the wound, first with water, then with alcohol to disinfect it and hopefully, prevent an infecting, finally, wrapping it in gauze.
Once Soubi had cleaned and bandaged the rest of his cuts and scrapes, they sat in an uncomfortable silence. Ritsuka wasn't used to silence being awkward. He usually liked the silence, finding the inane chatterings of most people distasteful, now however, he wished Soubi would say something, anything.
When a few minutes passed and it didn't look like Soubi was going to say anything Ritsuka stood. "I'd better get going," he mumbled, not looking at the adult.
Soubi grabbed his waist and tugged hard so that Ritsuka stumbled and all but fell onto his lap. "Stay."
After having witnessed what he had, Soubi's lap did not at the moment feel like the safest place to be and Soubi seemed to realise this as he allowed Ritsuka to squirm off his lap and back beside him on the bed.
"I love you, Ritsuka," Soubi whispered stroking a gentle hand across his ears.
Ritsuka flinched angrily away from the touch, "Liar!"
"Ritsuka—"
"Shut up Soubi, I don't want to hear your lies. I can't," Ritsuka's voice broke at this and he rubbed his eyes furiously to stop the tears that wanted to spill over. He wouldn't seem so weak in front of Soubi, he wouldn't.
Soubi's arms came around him once more, pulling him tight against the adults broad chest. "I love you, Rits—"
"Liar!" Ritsuka shouted again.
"I love you Ritsuka," Soubi repeated, ignoring his shouts, "Only you Ritsuka."
"Lies," Ritsuka cried, body trembling in silent sobs. "Soubi."
"Ritsuka, I'm sorry."
"Why? You say you love me then why?"
"It the only way I can keep my hands off you, Ritsuka, you're not ready yet," Soubi answered rubbing his hands in small soothing circles along his back.
That answer hurt to hear. Because Soubi didn't think he was ready to face his, in Ritsuka's opinion, very strong desires, he was forced to go to Kio. "Please Soubi," Ritsuka whispered, fear and loneliness creeping up his spine like a thousand black widow spiders, "I'll do whatever, just . . . don't—" Soubi cut him off with a kiss.
This time the lips that met his own were not gentle or caressing, but forceful with want. The intensity of the kiss frightened him. "Would you do anything Ritsuka?" Soubi asked, pulling back only slightly, so that his lips brushed Ritsuka's with every huskily whispered word.
Even though he trembled in fear of what that might mean, he nodded, willing to do almost anything to know he was loved, even if that meant believing in a false mimicry of it.
Soubi's lips were back, and his tongue swiped across his lower lip, causing Ritsuka to gasp in surprise and unintentionally open up to the adult. The tongue caressing his own was a strange but not wholly unpleasant sensation, bringing with it the taste of smoke and nicotine and just beneath that, a strong taste that was purely Soubi, purely male.
He felt Soubi's big hands trail down his chest, rubbing soothingly across his abdomen while Ritsuka fought not to squirm as Soubi's fingers trailed across a highly ticklish spot.
He stilled completely when he felt that hand brush across the front of his pants. He wanted to push Soubi away, unable to keep his mind from screaming at him that this was wrong, but he didn't. Instead he scrunched his eyes shut tight and forced himself to remain still.
Instead of continuing what it was doing, Soubi's hand retreated and, cautiously, Ritsuka opened his eyes to see Soubi looking at him with a mournful expression, "Soubi?"
"Go to sleep Ritsuka."
Ritsuka wanted to ask why he had stopped, if he had done something wrong but found he could not speak through the relief he felt at not having to go through whatever Soubi had been planning. Not wanting Soubi to change his mind Ritsuka lay down and pulled the sheets up over his shoulders to ward out the cold. "Thank you," he whispered between a yawn.
Gentle lips feel against his forehead. "You are still only a child. I'm sorry Ritsuka," Soubi said against his skin before moving away from the bed and leaving Ritsuka to succumb to his exhaustion and fall into a deep dreamless sleep.