Quinn Fabray did not possess an adventurous spirit. Sure, she had been a cheerleader. One of the girls flung so high in the air it almost seemed like a trick of the eye to those in the stands. She could've fallen at any point. Could've died. Yet Quinn always felt in control as a cheerleader, even when she had to rely on someone else to catch her. Because Quinn knew the chorography (had helped created much of it) and there were no surprises. No false moves. There was little in life that Quinn Fabray liked better than structure and routine. And control.
Quinn Fabray craved control like it was edible. She did not even bother to savor the control. She was like a starved woman fresh from captivity: She gobbled up control without considering the consequences…or who she might hurt, including herself. Quinn was the proverbial baseball player who waves his arms at his teammates and calls them away from the ball with the shout of "mine!" and an outstretched glove. Quinn always wanted to catch the ball. Keep it as her own. She was like that with things and she was like that with people. In the end, she could really see no difference between the two.
At any point when Quinn felt her control slipping from her, she'd imagine herself inside a magic, unbreakable bubble. A bubble big and roomy and comfortable enough for just one: Someone could circle around the bubble and even talk to (and hear) Quinn, but no one could touch her. She thinks she may have been ten or eleven when the bubble idea first came to her. A boy pushed her on the playground and she'd gone down in a heap; it was almost comical in nature. Quinn heaved herself to her feet amidst the laughter of the other children and, instead of tracking down the boy to deck him, she simply created an imaginary force field around herself. So, if someone were to push Quinn now, they'd only make an indentation in the bubble. You cannot quite reach her. And that was all well and good, Quinn believed.
It was with no short amount of incredulity that – at the age of fifteen – Rachel Berry very nearly burst through Quinn's bubble. Quinn was new to the school and Rachel, ever looking for something to put on her resume, was a school volunteer assigned to show Quinn around. Rachel was lively, excitable, and…cute. Yeah, definitely cute. The fact that she found another girl attractive did not startle Quinn in the least. She'd been attracted to girls before: A fellow cheerleader at her old school, a random girl who worked in the movie theater, various celebrities.
Quinn always stopped it at the level of attraction. She could think another woman was pretty, even desirable. Yet she had no desire to explore just why she found certain women desirable. She never allowed herself to think of what it might be like to, say, kiss a girl. Until Rachel Berry. She'd only known Rachel for a couple of weeks when, out of left field, Quinn had the urge to lean down and kiss Rachel in the middle of the hallway. The thought alone, much less the implications, startled Quinn so badly that, had she been that proverbial baseball player, she would have dropped the ball for sure. She recovered quickly. She blinked several times rapidly and took a step back from Rachel. It was at that moment Quinn discovered that Rachel could make her feel uneasy and unsure. Quinn didn't like that very much. Or at all, in fairness.
So Quinn did what she could to distance herself from Rachel. I mean, she'd only known the girl for a couple of weeks and they didn't really hang out very much, even though she spoke with Rachel every day at school. Quinn had no intention of developing a friendship with Rachel. Rachel kept approaching Quinn for conversation day by day, oblivious to the reason Quinn tried to keep her distance. One day – another day in which Quinn wanted to just bend down and kiss Rachel so hard that she could crawl inside her – Rachel was prattling on about the genius of Streisand while Quinn was staring and staring and staring at Rachel's lips. It occurred to Quinn at that moment that Rachel might think they were friends, or at least becoming friends. Why else would she approach Quinn every day at school? Quinn stopped and turned so quickly to meet Rachel face to face that it nearly gave her whiplash.
"Look, Rachel, I get that you feel like you have to take me under your wing, or whatever. But I think I got this whole school thing down. You should probably be on your way. You know, back to your life and friends?"
Rachel quickly launched a counterattack: "Quinn…I think you misunderstand. Yes, I was chosen to show you around the school but now I feel as if we could be good friends. You seem quite…"
Quinn cut her off. "Rachel, I'm a cheerleader now. You, you are…well…not. We have nothing in common. Leave me be!" And with that, Quinn Fabray left a stunned Rachel Berry behind for the first time of many.
Just because Quinn and Rachel now rarely saw each other and spoke even less, the discoveries of just what Rachel made her feel were a constant in Quinn's life. She recalls, for instance, hearing Rachel sing for the first time. This was before Mr. Schue started Glee club. Quinn had been walking around the hallways of McKinley, idling killing time before cheerleading practice, when she heard singing coming from the auditorium. Now, Quinn had never heard Rachel sing, didn't even know Rachel could sing – but she'd recognize that voice anywhere. She stopped to listen even though she knew it would make her late for practice. Quinn arrived to practice so emotionally charged from hearing Rachel sing that she did not even care that Coach yelled and berated her for a solid ten minutes. Quinn did not mind that Coach made her run extra laps. As she went round and round the track, she had a song in her heart, and Rachel Berry was the one singing that song.
Quinn figured out that Rachel could cause her irrational, dangerous amounts of jealously when Quinn kept catching Rachel giving Finn Hudson love-sick puppy dog looks at the beginning of sophomore year. Quinn's response was to date Finn herself – to wave her hands in the air and scream "mine!" while she snatched Finn inside her glove.
Quinn discovered that Rachel could hurt her – really, really hurt her – after Rachel's little heart-to-heart with her about possible diseases associated with babies with Jewish parents. Quinn lay awake for two nights wondering how to have those tests done. How could she pay for them? What did Rachel say those diseases were even called, anyway? Should she enlist Noah Puckerman's help, since he was the actual father? When Quinn learned that Rachel told Finn the truth about her baby's paternity, she almost immediately understood Rachel's true intentions during their locker "Your baby could have genetic diseases…ever thought about having tests done?" conversation. Quinn felt the bubble around her tremble so violently that it took everything within her not to cry right on the spot. She wanted to throw herself to the ground – bubble be damned! – and shatter. It was like she was on that playground again as a child. The only difference was, this time, Rachel was the one who had pushed her.
When Rachel came to apologize to Quinn about telling Finn the truth was the exact point in time when Quinn discovered that she loved Rachel. She knew this because even though Rachel injured her in the name of Finn Hudson…Quinn could not feel anger or hate or rage toward the other girl. She only felt numb and scared and alone. She wanted Rachel to hold her. She wanted to kiss Rachel until she melted into the other girl and the pain stopped. Or at least slowed. So, Quinn just told Rachel little bits of the truth: She wasn't mad at her. Rachel was brave to tell the truth. She almost said, "I love you for that" before realizing that she couldn't tell Rachel she loved her at all.
Quinn wanted it to be Rachel with her when she gave birth. Even during the worst of her labor pains she kept going back and back to how upset she was that Rachel stayed behind at Sectionals just to watch some stupid boy perform. If Rachel had been with Quinn: How would that scene have played out? Quinn, during the days after Beth's birth, thought about Rachel a lot. It helped her not to think of Beth. Would she have asked to hold Rachel's hand during delivery? Would Rachel have been protective over her and a calming presence?
In the months after Beth's birth, Quinn felt herself fall inside her bubble more often. She was even thinking of re-decorating the space. Yet always, always there was Rachel. Her junior year seemed to speed by and crawl along at the same rate. She just felt off. It was eerie. She was still popular. She acquired a new boyfriend, Sam Evans, because controlling him was so easy that it would have pained her had it not been second nature at this point. Yet always, always there was Rachel. Quinn strongly believed that after giving up Beth, she deserved punishment. She thought, maybe, she'd just stay here in this hick town and eventually marry Finn – if nothing else so she could hamper Rachel's obsession with the boy – and live a life of obscurity. She thought that was what she deserved to the point where it became what she wanted. She went after Finn again. Might as well get that piece of the puzzle in place. Yet always, always there was Rachel.
Quinn found herself one day so desperate for Rachel that she was able to share more silvers of the truth with her. "You are too good for this town. You are meant for better things. Just give me Finn. He'll hold you back," she yelled at Rachel during their original song brainstorming session. She knew the moment did not call for screaming, but it helped Quinn better block out the thoughts in her mind: Tell her that you would hold her back, too, because if you were to ever have her…you'd never let go. You'd cling to her. You'd ask her not to go away. Quinn never once thought of the alternative: That if Rachel left, Quinn could go with her.
If it was always, always Rachel then it was also always, always Finn. Rachel mooned over him. She fawned over him. It enraged Quinn. The tipping point was junior prom. Finn left her standing adrift on the dance floor so he could lumber over to Rachel and Jesse St. James – him again! – to confront them. The following moments were a loud blur of music and shoving and shouts. She found it hard to fully wrap her mind around what was happening. Quinn next remembers reaching around to slap Rachel after the girl followed her to the bathroom. She slapped Rachel for a lot of reasons: Because Rachel wanted Finn so badly, because Quinn wanted Rachel so badly, because Quinn's love for Rachel felt so brutal that she wanted the other girl to taste a little bit of it. The slap shocked Quinn to tears. She allowed Rachel to dry her eyes. For a moment, she almost wanted to slap Rachel again for being so damn understanding about the slap. Fuck it, if it didn't make Quinn love Rachel even more. Rachel dried Quinn's tears and at the same time, she unknowingly took from her another piece of Quinn's heart.
Quinn kept going back to that moment at prom. She thought about it a lot the day Finn finally, thankfully broke it off with her. She thought about it as she packed for the Glee club trip. She thought about it on the plane to New York for Nationals. She thought about it as she looked at herself in the mirror in the hotel bathroom, alone in the room since the other girls were out sightseeing. New York had made Quinn feel alive. Quinn could live in a place like this: Everything was so much bigger, brighter, better. Quinn felt that New York was calling to her…just like it called to Rachel. If Rachel was willing to answer that call, why not Quinn? This is how Quinn came to find herself alone, staring at her reflection with the thought that telling Rachel that she loved her might be a good idea instead of a really bad one. After all, why not take a chance? They'd only be stuck in Lima for one more year. There was a whole world out there for them – maybe they might not even end up in New York! Maybe they'd decide to travel abroad for a year instead. Or something else altogether! The possibilities made Quinn's mind whirl and her face break out into a goofy grin. Quinn turned to the bathroom door, intent to find Rachel and spew word vomit all over her when Santana abruptly knocked on the door.
"Let us inside!" Santana shouted at Quinn.
Quinn threw the door open and brushed past Santana and Brittany. "Wow, geez, Quinn what is with the rush?" Santana questioned brusquely.
"Have you seen Rachel?" Quinn responded.
"Are you still bitching about Rachel? Honest to God, you have got to let it go. So what if Finn dumped your ass…get…over…it! Don't fuck Nationals for the rest of us. Can you try not to hassle the midget until we get home?" Santana lectured at Quinn.
"I…I…have to talk to her about lyrics. Think I might have some good ones. I promise I'm not going to yell at her."
Brittany spoke up, "She just went out to meet Finn."
Quinn could almost hear her heart stop. "Meet him for what reason, exactly?"
"Dunno." Brittany shrugged her shoulders and added, "Finn told her to dress up and meet him at some fancy restaurant."
Quinn turned toward the window and prayed the sun might blind her before the tears overwhelmed her. Rachel and Finn were going on a date. Unbelievable yet highly believable just the same. Quinn found the moment almost humorous because, really, how could she have been so naïve? Of course Finn would take this time in New York to woo Rachel. It was always, always Rachel. It was always, always Finn. Quinn could not believe she had almost gone to tell Rachel – fucking tell her! – how she felt. She had let the headiness of New York nearly ruin her life. She slowly turned back to Santana and Brittany.
"I thought we were supposed to be the popular girls?" She all but spit on the two girls as her voice nearly broke from the strain of speaking. She kept going back to this theme of popularity. It was never about the popularity, not since she'd known Rachel, but it made for a good crutch. Quinn broke down in tears as a stunned Santana and Brittany gathered her in their arms and tried to soothe her.
She allowed Santana and Brittany to cut her hair. They lost Nationals. She endured the Rachel and Finn kiss by glaring into one of the spotlights so long that she was still seeing dots behind her eyes a few hours later. She held Santana back when she launched herself at Rachel due to their loss at Nationals because, instinctively, she didn't want anyone to hurt Rachel. After that encounter, the Glee kids scattered. They were eager to spend their last night in New York savoring the sights and absorbing their loss. Rachel cornered Quinn just before Quinn could walk out the door.
"Quinn, I wanted to thank you for helping to hold Santana back. I know this is a highly emotional and turbulent time for all of us and…"
Quinn cut her off. "Next time, Rachel, why don't you get your lug of a boyfriend to fight your battles for you? I'm not sure why you think I was holding Santana back for you. I just don't want Santana to get into any more trouble. And for someone who really, really wanted to win Nationals, you sure didn't show it on stage. I should've just let Santana at you. What you did on stage was disgusting !" Quinn threw the door open and left Rachel behind. Quinn didn't look back, or she would have seen Rachel crumple to the ground in tears. She did hear the tell-tale whimper that accompanied a fit of crying. Yet she would not allow herself to go back inside that room. Quinn vowed never to turn back when it came to Rachel Berry.
Quinn spent the summer before her senior year regretting her temporary bout of insanity at thinking she could be anything other than a Lima Loser. She started hanging out with a crowd of losers just to drive home her point. She got a nose ring. She dyed her hair pink. She got a tattoo and was proud of herself for not once flinching during the process. This version of Quinn was hell-bent on not ever letting Rachel get to her again. She quit Glee club by way of e-mail to Mr. Schue a day before classes started. This way she wouldn't even have to see Rachel except in passing. Having not been around Rachel all summer, she didn't want any temptation to seep back inside her bubble.
She sauntered down the hallway on the first day of senior year. She could feel the stares of the students. She just kept moving. Puck tried to say something to her, but she ignored him. She just kept moving. A boy she did not recognize whistled lowly under his breath. She just kept moving. Brittany tried to reach out and touch her hair. She just kept moving. Rachel let out a loud, almost theatrical gasp when she first noticed Quinn. She just kept moving. She heard Rachel call out her name, but just like three months ago in New York, Quinn vowed never to turn back when it came to Rachel Berry.