To Go Amongst Mad People
Title: All in the Golden Afternoon
Pairing: Alice and Jasper
Warning and/or Summary: All recognizable characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, although I want Jasper for my own.
To see other entries in the To Go Amongst Mad People contest, please visit the Contest's FanFiction page:
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~But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.~
"You've never been nervous about your work before, Alice," Jasper said as he engulfed his wife in a wave of calm and confidence. "This time shouldn't be any different."
She didn't stop pacing the floor but she slowed to a more relaxed pace. Her hands continued to alternate between wringing together like she was trying to lather them with invisible soap, to being splayed out at her sides. The nervous movements did little to help as she tried to settle her uneasiness and convince herself this was just like every other client she had accepted.
She knew, however, that this time was different, because no one in Biloxi had ever requested her services before. Alice had foreseen every client she ever had. Most were simply people she had seen in her visions that she sought out herself, taking them on as clients pro-bono. Any personal requests for her services normally came from referrals given by the families of previous clients, so this request was unsettling. Not to mention she hadn't seen it coming. She didn't seek out this person, nor had she envisioned their request for her services and she found herself in unfamiliar territory.
Alice was the quintessential funeral director, although her official title was Life Celebrant. Her business mostly worked as a charity, receiving funding from private parties, past clients' estates and businesses, all wishing to provide the best life finale for those people who deserved it most. She believed that people should feel special and loved at the best of times, but more importantly at the worst of times. It was not only her personal motto in life, but one around which she framed her entire existence. It had taken decades for even Alice to recognize that her gift could be put to a philanthropic use as she slowly discovered the meaning of so many of her visions and how her gift could be used to plan the best end to the lives of the deserving.
Terminally ill patients were her most common commissions which allowed time for Alice to create the full compliment of personlized pampering and love for each remaining day a client had left, down to the very last moment. For some, Alice planned extravagant wakes, giving them the best party of their lives. Other times, it was simple things like having someone sit and listen to stories of times gone by. Some people wanted family present to say goodbye or in one case, have all the bickering family members removed so he could literally die in peace. Whatever it was a person needed or desired, Alice would make all the arrangements, personalized for each client, allowing them to leave this world with as few regrets as possible when they each took their very last breath.
"Why didn't I see her though, Jaz? The name, it has to be her. It just has to be her," she said, picking up the pace again. Jasper sighed heavily knowing that Alice was right to be apprehensive and he moved to her, taking her into a firm, comforting embrace as wave after wave of love, reassurance and optimism radiated from him. "Oh Jasper. I know I have to go there; that it's the right thing to do. Part of me is excited to meet her after all these years, but the other part... the other part of me is nervous. What if she knows, or questions me? Or worse, what if she knows and just wants to... oh for heaven's sake why can't I see her in my visions?"
A lighthearted laugh left Jasper's mouth as he responded to Alice's emotions. "You, my dearest, don't like being in the dark."
"Well, what if you suddenly lost one of your senses? Wouldn't it throw you off your game too?" she asked. The pitch of her voice told Jasper that she was finally returning to her jovial self as the playful intonations in her voice were once again evident.
"Just think of it all as a once in a lifetime opportunity." Jasper tilted his head slightly, raising one eyebrow and smiling at Alice.
Alice laughed cheerfully and placed her hands on either side of Jasper's face. "And I thought I was the optimistic one." Leaning into Jasper, she placed several small, quick, chaste kisses on his lips before deepening the kiss and pulling him in close. "Thank you, Jaz. We can do this."
"Yes, you can. Now let's get going. We have a long trip ahead of us," Jasper said as he held his wife lovingly in his arms and enveloped them in a cocoon of love. Alice stepped to Jasper's side, and took a deep, unnecessary breath as she hooked her arm on her husband's and walked out to the car.
Alice spent the entire trip to Mississippi trying to regather her confidence which had been shaken for the first time in her vampire life. She didn't realize how much she relied on her visions to guide her every move until she couldn't see anything regarding her newest potential client. Her ability always allowed her to determine her client's worth before she was even requested for a job. It was a gift that allowed her to focus her talents on those people who were most deserving, instead of on those who could simply afford her. It left her feeling almost naked not knowing what was going to happen.
The only thing that gave her any comfort was the name: Carroll.
Alice had no recollection of her human life, but she did have information about her family that she had found in various searches. She knew she had a sister named Cynthia, and a niece. It pained her that she had never been able to have a relationship with her niece, the one living blood relative that still remained, but she just never wanted to risk ruining any part of the life she had now by trying to contact her.
She opened her handbag and pulled out an old picture that she had found in one of the searches for her identity. The picture was framed by a thick board matte that had turned a dirty brown over time, matching the sepia colors of the image itself. In the picture were two people: her sister, Cynthia and Cynthia's daughter, who at the time the picture was taken would have been no older than the age of three. Alice had ached to know these people; to remember her sister, to have met her niece. She turned the picture over and ran her thumb across the names written in a beautiful script on the back: Cynthia Brandon Wallace & Carroll Alice Wallace.
Alice being Alice, she couldn't be anything but happy for very long. She could feel the giddiness building in the pit of her stomach, and it welled up into a beautiful smile that stretched upwards across the small, diminutive plains of her face. A squeal of glee accompanied the rhythmic beating of her feet on the floor of the car as her excitement began to finally burst from within. "It's her Jasper. I just know it. I don't know what I'm going to say. What am I going to say?"
Jasper loved the energy that was eminating from Alice and relished in the air of happiness and excitement that filled the car. "You will find the words, Alice. You've played this moment over and over in your head," he said as he mirrored his wife's smile and placed one hand on hers, gripping firmly.
As Jasper pulled into the Saad's Rest Home parking lot, Alice pulled down the visor to freshen up her makeup in the mirror, adding a fresh layer of lipstick and blotting her lips on a tissue. As usual, she was perfection, in all respects.
"You look beautiful Alice Cullen, more so than I think I've ever seen you look before." Jasper took Alice's hand and gently placed a kiss on the diamond ring that circled her third finger.
"Yes, I believe you are correct, Jasper Cullen," Alice said, winking at him. Placing her free hand gently on his cheek, she leaned in a placed a tender kiss on his lips. "Now let's go! I can't wait any more," she said in a high pitched voice, her excitement no longer containable.
Alice practically skipped her way to the door, pulling Jasper behind her. Entering quickly she stopped at the reception desk and tapped her fingers almost too rapidly on the surface, her body buzzing with anticipation as she waited for the receptionist's attention.
"Hello Miss. Alice Cullen to see Carroll Wallace please," she squeaked, trying to present a professional aire about herself but appearing more like a child about to meet Santa Claus.
"Ah yes. Ms. Cullen. Ms. Wallace has been waiting for you," she said, Alice's eyes opening wide in anticipation. "Right this way please."
Alice gripped firmly onto Jasper's arm and looked at him anxiously, the same sentiments reflected in his eyes.
They followed the woman down a long corridor and to the right, into a wing of the home that said "Hospice" on the door. Taking an unnecessary breath, she could smell the overpowering scent of death. Jasper could feel the conflicting emotions coming from Alice and he took a moment to close his eyes and send out a thick wave of confidence and elation to aid her.
They stopped at a large, cream colored door. "Miss Carroll asks for you several times a day. She says that she knows she will meet you before she passes. I have to say that I am glad you have come. Meeting you is her dying wish," the receptionist said. She smiled pleasantly as she knocked on the door and entered the room. "Miss Carroll, I have visitors for you."
Alice and Jasper walked past the receptionist, entering the brightly lit room that was filled with fresh daisies, the scent reminding Alice of an open meadow in springtime. On every flat surface were frames all containing picures of the same, petite, black haired woman. It was a lifetime's worth of memories, all collected together like a menagerie amongst the blooming flowers. Alice leaned in closer to look at the photos, gasping at her resemblance to the woman in the images. If she didn't know better, she would have assumed the pictures were of herself.
"You are just like I imagined," said a small, frail voice that came from the bed on the far side of the room. Alice slowly walked over to the bedside and gently sat down next to the slight figure that lay resting there. A small, delicate hand moved towards Alice and came to rest upon one of her hands. Alice looked down at her touch and took this stranger's hand in hers. Alice raised her eyes to meet those of the woman; small glacial blue eyes that held the world. Alice felt overwhelmed with emotion, the face like looking into a future that was not meant to be hers. Jasper moved towards Alice and placed a reassuring hand upon her shoulder.
The fine features of this woman matched Alice's in every regard, and apart from the wearing of time on her skin and the silvery wisps in her hair, this woman was the same. Her petite build, and delicate facial features, even the sound of her voice as frail as it was, were all just like her own.
"I've just never imagined that...I mean...are you really, Carroll?" Alice asked, not knowing what to say or how to say it. Her bubbliness was replaced by awe, and contentment. She finally found something that was solely hers, a piece of a life that had been taken from her.
"Yes... I am. And you are my long lost Alice." Carroll's eyes began to well up as she spoke, the tears of happiness spilling over as she beheld the person she had most wondered about over her lifetime.
Jasper leaned down and gently lifted one of Carroll's hands. "I'm Jasper Cullen, ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you," he said as he bent and gently placed a kiss upon the tiny withered hand.
"Oh, it's lovely to meet you too, dear. You must be an amazing person if Alice chose you for her husband." She smiled warmly at Jasper, his Southern gentility capturing her heart.
She returned her gaze to Alice, and traced every inch of her face with her eyes. "I can't believe the resemblence. It's like looking in the mirror." Carroll chuckled lightly. "Well, maybe several decades ago. You're just like an angel, come to take me home."
"I am far from an angel, dearest," Alice said warmly, a coy smile hiding her subtle amusement.
"It doesn't matter what you are, apart from the fact that you are here, now, with me, after all these years," said Carroll, in the firmest voice her delicate body could muster. "I knew there was more to your disappearance than my grandparents let on, but when Mother tried to find you, the only thing she ever found was your gravestone and a death certificate."
Alice wasn't sure how to respond, but her face no doubt showed the full range of emotions that she was feeling at this moment. How much did Carroll know and how much should she tell her? More importantly, how did Carroll even know that Alice was still alive in the first place? Most of all though, Alice wanted to know how much time she would have with Carroll after all these years of wishing for the impossible.
"No, there wasn't much to find. I have done my own searching over the years," Alice said as she opened her handbag and pulled out the aged picture she treasured. Handing it carefully to Carroll she said, "I found this at one point, many years ago. I know every line, every curve of that picture. It's never left my possession since then."
Carroll reached over to the bedside table to retrieve her glasses, putting them on slowly before lifting the picture into the light that was filtering in from the window. "Oh my, Alice. I haven't seen this picture in years," she giggled. "That dress was so uncomfortable, but Mother insisted I quit squirming or I'd have to go to bed without dessert. That was the worst torture imaginable since it was the best course of any meal!" Carroll laughed lightly as she reminisced about long forgotten memories. "I am so glad I will see Mother soon. I've missed her all these years."
Alice was alive with near giddyness, wanting to hear more about the sister whose memory no long existed within her. "Tell me about her. Tell me about my sister, Carroll. You see, I have no memory of her," Alice said. She would sit and listen for eternity if it were possible. She was mezmorized by Carroll, and all the promise she held.
A smile graced Carroll's face as she spoke. "Mother was a great woman, the kind that makes you proud to be one. She was dedicated to helping other people, and always made sure that she did what she could to help those that couldn't help themselves. She had a fabulous sense of humor, a love of all things red and she made the best apple pie in Mississippi." Carroll's small hands lifted as she spoke, swirling slowly in the air as she relived bygone times. "She used to talk about you too, Alice."
"She did? What would she say to you?" Alice said in a high tone, and almost spoken too fast to comprehend. Carroll just laughed at Alice's exhuberance, her own no less despite being hidden by the constraints of age.
"She would talk about how much I reminded her of you. I used to love when she would say, 'For heaven's sake Carroll, quit going on like a Mad Hatter. You sound just like your Aunt Alice.' "
"A Mad Hatter? Seriously?"
"Oh yes. And then she would laugh and tell me how much she loved me; that having me was just like having her sister back. She missed you so, Alice," she said, taking Alice's face in the palm of her hand. "She didn't know. Well, she didn't believe you Alice, until it was too late. She always regretted it, not being there for you when you needed it most."
Alice's face would have been moistened by tears of regret if she but had them to shed. It was so bittersweet hearing everything Carroll had to say, all the memories she had to share that had been stolen from Alice. She relished this moment like a fine wine, drinking it in sip by tasteful sip, allowing herself to savor each facet before swallowing it down, albeit bitterly.
"It wasn't her fault. She would have been so young at the time. I try not to lay blame, because as much as was taken from me, I was given back so much in return." Alice placed her hand on Jasper's that lay resting on her shoulder, squeezing slightly in unspoken acknowledgement.
"You know, I am the reason she finally cut ties with her family. It was because of me, and how you knew of me before I was born. She told me once how you had a vision of her, one where she was reading a book to a girl child who sat in her lap. She said that in your vision, the child kept tracing the letters of a name on the book she was holding," Carroll said. She closed her eyes in reverie, tracing letters in the empty air in front of her, as if it were something from her own memory. "She said she was always sad that you were never able to meet me, but she always smiled when she said, 'Alice was right about you. Alice was always right.' "
"She is most definitely always right," Jasper said with amusement. "You never bet against Alice."
Alice turned towards Jasper and smiled broadly. "Never! I am always right, and it's good of you to admit that," Alice said playfully but with a definite sense of pride in her voice.
Carroll slightly tilted her head sideways, admiring the obvious adoration that was present before her. She felt at peace now, knowing that Alice had found such happiness, and that for the few hours, she was allowed to finally know the one person with which she had always felt an intangible, unbreakable bond.
They spoke of anything and everything, laughing and smiling like long lost friends. Jasper sat in awe of these two women, captured by their zest and passion for life and bathed in the jubilant energy that filled the room. It was almost surreal as well, watching them together. The way they would both tilt their heads sideways and lift their shoulders slightly when smiling excitedly. Their laughs were nearly identical, so much so that it was like listening to Alice laugh in stereo. It was intoxicating.
Finally, Alice asked the question that had been plaguing her for some time now. "How did you know how to find me, and that I would come. Why didn't you seek me out before now?"
Carroll took a deep breath, like it was nearly her last and answered. "Well, it seems to be a parting gift, and now that you are really here, I know why." She took another deep breath as her bottom lip began to quiver. "I only started having visions of you after the cancer progressed and became terminal. It's like it unlocked the door that kept you out of my mind, out of my visions." As a tear streamed down her face, she cradled Alice's hands in her own. "I would give my life a thousand times over to have this time with you now. It's like every piece of my life is now in it's rightful place."
Alice leaned in and gathered Carroll's gaunt body in a loving embrace. Her hug said everything that her conflicted mind couldn't express. She had just found this woman, her only family and was now having it torn from her grip. It was like giving a child a lollipop and then ripping it out of their hands after they had a good taste. Alice wanted to throw a tantrum to protest the knowledge that Carroll had imparted.
"I have lived my life away from any of my family, and now that I've found you, how am I supposed to give you up?" Alice's voice broke with emotion as she spoke.
"It's part of the tragedy of life I suppose, Alice, but I choose to think of it as a reminder to love and appreciate what you have, while you have it." Carroll smiled lovingly at Alice. "So, maybe some business now?"
Alice nodded in agreement. Anything. She would do anything Carroll asked or needed.
They talked about songs and wills, flower preferences and coffin colors. Carroll had had time to prepare some things, and made sure Alice was abreast of all the minute details that she wanted for her funeral.
Jasper admired these women, so slight in their physical stature yet more brilliant than the sun. He enjoyed the last few hours of a memorable day as the daylight waned, deep shades of purple and orange now lighting the sky, almost in homage.
When the day of the funeral came, Alice made sure everything was as Carroll had requested, even down to the last sprig of baby's breath. It was all too soon for Alice though, whose heart was pierced like a pin to a balloon. She lamented the life that was gone, both the one she never had and the one that had just ended. Although she smiled and nodded to the people that came that day, it was Jasper's gift that held her strong.
At the cemetery, standing under the shade of an old Magnolia tree, Alice spoke the words that Carroll had asked to be read, all in the golden afternoon sun that shone from above.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
When everyone had left, and Carroll was finally laid to rest, Alice bid her farewells and walked with Jasper arm in arm. As she neared the car, the song of a nearby bird caught her attention and she turned in the direction of the sound. Sitting a top a headstone was a robin that was chirping loudly as if to gain Alice's attention. Lowering her eyes, she noticed the name engraved on the smooth stone and abruptly stopped.
Releasing Jasper's arm, she walked to the grave upon which the bird sang, and knelt down. She raised her hand to the stone surface and trailed her fingers over the the grooves of the letters etched there. She had never visited her own grave before, but the name and dates on the rock left no uncertainty.
Alice whispered, "Mary Alice Brandon, Born May 28, 1901, Died August 11, 1918."
As she read the inscription on the gravestone, she felt the warmth of understanding sweep over her, and she smiled with amusement. There, on her headstone it said: Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there, I did not die.
"Oh Carroll, this is so apropos, isn't it?" she chimed.
Alice followed the little bird with her eyes as it chirped and hopped down to the ground. There, at the base of the gravestone was a small parcel, wrapped in an old piece of silk and tied with a satin ribbon.
"Is this for me little one?"
And the bird sung.
"What is it, Alice?" Jasper asked as he knelt down beside her.
"I don't know," she said, puzzled yet again by her lack of visions.
Alice reached down to grab the parcel and lifted it hesitantly. She tugged on the ribbon, pulling it free, and gently unfolded the fabric to reveal a book, old and worn.
Alice closed her eyes and smiled, shaking her head in complete disbelief. In her hands she held a copy of Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. The letters of the words "Alice" and "Carroll" on the front of the book were well worn and only slightly visible, having been traced repeatedly over countless years. Alice's fingers gently moved overtop of the front of the book, astonished by what she help in her hands.
Sliding one hand to the edge, she lifted the front cover of the book and revealed not one, but two inscriptions. A high pitched exclamation left Alice's mouth as her hand swiftedly lifted to cover her mouth that was now gaping in shock.
August 5, 1918
To my dearest Carroll,
May you enjoy the tales of Alice for years to come.
Love always,
Your Aunt Alice
March 3, 2006,
To my dearest Aunt Alice,
I know you will find this book, just as we found each other. When I had my first vision of you, this is the passage from within the page that was brought to mind.
"But then, shall I never get any older than I am now? That'll be a comfort, one way -- never to be an old woman -- but then -- always to have lessons to learn!"
Do not weep for me. I am here, within, in the pages of this story. This was, is, our adventure together. Thank you for that.
All my undying love,
Carroll
Alice closed the book and pulled it tightly to her chest, rising up and taking Jasper's arm as he led her away.
End Notes: All quotes taken from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. Title taken from his poem also entitled All in the Golden Afternoon, which was written under his real name Charles Lutwidge Dodgson.
The funeral poem, Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep is by Mary Elizabeth Frye.
As for the date of death of Alice's headstone, I used creative license. According to canon, the date on her headstone was the same as her admittance papers to the asylum, where she lived for a few years before she was turned into a vampire at the age of nineteen.
Also, just for clarity, Alice gave her sister the book for her future child before she was admitted to the asylum, hence the dates noted in the inscription.