Title: Ten Carefree Days
Author: Indra
Genre: Vignette, Angst
Characters: Garen, Obi-Wan
Disclaimer: They belong to George Lucas. We all know it.
"We're still waiting for your answer, Knight Muln."
The statement was made in a quiet but steely voice. The disappointment and reproach in it could not be missed. Another moment of silence passed as the air around the lone man standing in the middle of the circular room seemed to become heavier to the point where he could barely breathe.
Finally, in barely a whisper, a few words managed to get past the young man's lips. "I did what I thought was right. At the time." The words cut through the air like a blade, seemed incredibly loud in that silent room, bouncing off the walls, reverberating until their inadequacy in the face of what had happened made him want to take them back, find something better to say, something that would make his shame disappear, make him a Jedi fit for his duties in the eyes of the Masters again.
But those words did not exist. Garen knew it and it made the big, black chasm that had opened up in front of him on that sunny day barely a week ago seem even wider.
"Very well. We will give this matter due consideration. You can go, Knight Muln."
Master Windu delivered the dismissal in his normal, neutral tone and it was almost enough for Garen to glance up and chance a look at the twelve Council Members seated around him. But then he remembered the look on Master Yoda's face when he had first entered the chambers and he only bowed briefly with his eyes on the ground and left the room.
And what now? What came next after that kind of mistake? Had anyone ever made a mistake of this magnitude? Had anyone ever lived to regret it? On the way back to his quarters, he thought briefly of going to the gardens, but he knew that a few initiates were bound to be there, playing and laughing. He couldn't bear the thought of children's laughter, not when it would only bring back memories of what that laughter could turn into.
As soon as the door of his room swished closed behind him, he knew that he wouldn't be able to stand the silence either. He remembered when he had messed up as a Padawan, how his Master had sometimes been disappointed, but in the end had always made it right. In the end there had always been the familiar comfort of their shared quarters, a glass of baila juice delivered to his bed, a hand ruffling his hair and the warm forgiveness in the eyes of his teacher. How he longed for that hand resting on his head now, for those kind words from his Master's lips telling him that he would learn from his mistake and move on. That tomorrow the sun would rise again.
But that touch wasn't there anymore, the mouth that had spoken those kind words was silenced forever, the gentle wisdom in those eyes had been taken away from him on that terrible day almost two years ago now. Garen was on his own to deal with this. Or to go down.
The door alarm beeped and for a moment he had the crazy notion that the Council had already decided his fate. But no, they wouldn't do it that fast. They wouldn't throw anyone out of the Temple with such little consideration, would they? Still, his heart was pounding while he made his way to the door and released the lock.
But it wasn't one of the Council members or an aid sent to give him the news. Instead, another well-known set of gentle eyes looked at him, not those of his old Master, but those of his best and oldest friend. He didn't speak, didn't need to, and Garen was almost overcome by his emotions when he finally made eye contact with someone and there was no reproach, no disappointment and no blame in Obi-Wan's eyes. There was concern and while he felt undeserving of it, he took it nonetheless, so starved for any kind of comfort, he didn't care.
Wordlessly he motioned Obi-Wan in. His friend sat down on the couch and Garen walked over to the window to stare out at the gleaming speeders flashing past. Minutes passed, neither of them speaking until Garen finally managed to say, "It's true what everyone says. It was my fault. So don't even think of arguing that it was a misunderstanding!" He was surprised at his own fierceness and glanced back at his friend to see his reaction. Obi-Wan continued looking at him, still no sign of reproach visible on his face and for a moment it made Garen angry. He wanted to lash out, wanted Obi-Wan to be mad, to hate him for the choices he had made, for betraying everything he had learned from the Jedi in a few days of madness. But the feeling left him as quickly as it had come and he walked over and sank down beside his friend.
Another few minutes of silence, both of them sinking lower on the sofa now and Garen thought how none of the younger Jedi would ever expect to find them like that. The regal Master Kenobi, teacher of the most gifted Padawan to have entered the Temple in hundreds of years, and dignified Knight Muln, slouching on a sofa like initiates. Only a few days ago it would have made him smile.
"You should've seen her, Obi-Wan. She was beautiful. Full of life. Full of joy." A small, sad smile appeared on Garen's face and he stared off into the distance, once again seeing before him that beautiful face, the curly hair jumping up and down while she ran, that wonderful voice shouting, 'Come on, Garen, I'll show you the caves. They're incredible! Nobody from outside ever knows about them!'
And he followed, because he just couldn't help himself. He had met her on his first day on Kiosh. The Chancellor had taken him on a trip to show him what a peaceful community they were. He had done the usual tour: schools, hospitals, markets, government buildings. Everything was neat and clean and incredibly cheerful. It was what he was supposed to see so he would be convinced that they were the good side while the territory on the other side of the planet was the bad one, threatening the peaceful population of Janaya Territory with their evil weapons.
Garen hadn't liked the Chancellor. He was a typical politician, the kind who smiled you in the face and stabbed you in the back. But he had gone along. It was his part to play as a diplomat and he was well used to it. He would be friendly with everybody, evaluate the situation, then leave for Ranhiri Territory two days later and do the same there. There was immense tension between the territories, no doubt, but he was optimistic. They would not want to annihilate one another with weapons of incredible powers of destruction, even though he had no doubt both governments could avail of them if they chose.
And so the day had dragged on, one smiley face after another, each one surely sincere in their friendliness, but still holovid smiles for the Chancellor. Until the second school they came to, this one for very young children and Garen had seen not only a smile there, but heard a laugh that grabbed his attention and didn't let go again.
"She was laughing at something one of the children must have said and it was the most beautiful sound in the world. It was impossible not to like her! Impossible not to love her really."
He sank back into silence, thinking back over those wonderful days when for once his Jedi training and his duties had taken a backseat and he had simply lived. He had probably laughed more in those ten days than in the last two years at the Temple. And through all that joy, he had forgotten about his duties. No, not forgotten, he had purposely ignored them, had postponed his visit to Ranhiri, had informed them that his investigations weren't done and that he would visit them as soon as they were. He had ignored the rising discontent on the other side, had even ignored a thinly veiled threat by the First Minister of Ranhiri that the Janaya's obvious unwillingness to find a peaceful solution would not remain without consequences. He had dismissed it all to be with her.
"There were signs, you know." Garen almost stopped talking when he realised how dead his voice sounded. But now that he had started, he needed to keep talking, needed to get some of it out, to maybe feel just slightly less guilty, to feel anything other than this deep hole of despair that threatened to swallow him up once and for all.
"He basically told me there would be consequences. I just didn't think…" He took a deep breath. "I didn't take him seriously."
The sun was still high in the sky at this hour and Garen could barely stand the brightness of it. He wished for rain or snow…or a hurricane.
"I keep remembering other people I met. The man at the market who tried to sell me this strange looking fruit every time I walked past. The boy who made her laugh that very first day. He can't have been more than six. The woman at the government offices who asked me to wait just a moment when I first arrived and was so embarrassed when she learned that I was the ambassador."
He swallowed, the tears finally coming, splashing onto his cheeks. He left them there, wished for more and wished to feel nothing at all at the same time. "All gone." Only a whisper.
It had happened the day he finally said goodbye, the day he realised that he needed to visit the other side as well and try to establish talks between these people. They had been halfway around the planet when the message came through.
"We turned around and landed where we had taken off." He closed his eyes, the scene swimming in front of him, still too real. "All the buildings were gone. Everything, just gone. I expected screams, but there were none. Only silence. They were all gone, Obi-Wan. Every single one of them. The boy in the school and the man at the market and the woman at the office. All of them." The tears were running down his face now, unheeded, a first release of too much pain to hold. "I searched for her in the rubble. Even then, after everything I had done, I couldn't let go of her, couldn't think of the others just then, only of her."
He couldn't see his quarters anymore through the tears, but he could feel Obi-Wan's arm going around him, could feel his hand on his shoulder and he cried. He cried in the full knowledge that it wouldn't be alright, that nothing could fix this, that he would carry the pain with him for the rest of his life. But also that it was his duty to carry it and that it would remind him forever of what it took to be a Jedi. He felt himself slowly drifting off in the sunshine with Obi-Wan's arm around his shoulder and he realised that his friend hadn't said a word the entire time.
It was late at night when he got the call. Obi-Wan had left to go through his training sessions with Anakin. Garen felt deflated, mentally exhausted and he felt he barely had the strength to make it to the Council Chambers. When he arrived, the young Padawan at the door told him to go straight in. Taking a deep breath, he entered and found the room dark with the only lights coming from the passing ships outside. It was deserted and it took him a moment to see Master Yoda standing at the far end, looking out the window, his small form bowed over his walking stick.
Garen approached slowly and knelt down in front of the Master, his eyes on the floor. They didn't speak for a long moment. A sigh from the old Jedi made Garen glance up and saw Yoda slowly turn his tired eyes to him.
"A busy universe it is out there, hm?"
Garen wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer, so he kept quiet.
"Always moving it is, always changing." Another pause as they both watched the speeders rush by, overtaking one another, none of them ever slowing done. "A planet like many others, Kiosh is. Where there is life, always violence there is as well, always hatred, ignorance. And always mistakes."
Garen felt like crying again, but he was too exhausted now. He had used up all his tears.
"Neglected your duties you have, Knight Muln." It sounded more like a question than a statement and Garen dared look into those eyes that always seemed to know everything about him.
"Yes, Master," he whispered.
A slow nod from Yoda. "Killed these people you have not." This said with decisiveness. One small hand reached up and rested on Garen's arm. "Learn from our mistakes we must. Take blame for others' mistakes we must not."
Garen drew in a shuddering breath and Yoda blinked his large eyes slowly. "Stay you may until ready to leave you are. Watch, Knight Muln. And think. More I cannot ask."
The Master drew his hand back and shuffled towards the door. He didn't turn around again and Garen watched him until the door had closed. Then he turned back to the night sky of Coruscant and watched.