Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this Fairy Tail Jerza oneshot, I love this angsty pair so much. Leave me a comment and go follow me on tumblr dot com at ackerdude!
Erza smiles fondly at the sight of her guildmates running and dancing around the city that was once the capital of Fiore. Soon they will have to begin helping with the clean-up and restoration of the city of Crocus, but for right now, she figures there is no harm in letting them celebrate this hard-fought win.
She sits on a crumbling piece of concrete, watching the festivities from afar. The cool breeze on her face is a calming reprieve from the heat of tonight's battle, but the lingering scent of smoke in the air is a grim reminder that they still have much to do in order to repair Crocus.
In the distance, she can see Lucy wrapping her arms around Natsu as she stands behind him, pressing her face into the planes of his back and taking a deep breath. Erza sees Natsu place a hand on top of Lucy's, as well as a few words being whispered between them.
Her eyes soften as she sees the normally erratic and impulsive dragonslayer's shoulders slump as he melts into Lucy's embrace. The battle must have truly gotten to him if he wasn't even partaking in the impromptu festivities with the other members of the guilds.
Erza purses her lips as her eyes continue to scan across the scene, carefully looking for a figure in thick robes.
Her heart quickens as she thinks of the man who had fought by her; a man she didn't realize she absolutely needed to see until now.
She had lost track of him amongst the celebrating, but didn't realize just how desperate she was to know if he was still in Crocus. He wouldn't just leave would he?
Erza doesn't want to think about the answer as she stands up quickly from the crumbling column she made a makeshift seat. She's startled by the sound of her name being called by a deep voice, made gruff from the stress of the night.
"Erza."
She whirls around, feeling herself subconsciously reaching for her magic, before she realizes Jellal is walking toward her, still dressed in Mystogan's garb, but with the hat off and his face uncovered.
She feels momentary relief at seeing him again, followed by a wave of unease and panic because she's pretty sure she knows why he has sought her out; he is saying goodbye. Soon he will more than likely be off with Crime Sorciere, with Ultear and Meredy, leaving her behind once again.
"Jellal," she breathes out, sitting down as a mix of emotions wash through her, momentarily making her legs weak and her heart ache. "What are you doing way out here?"
He stops when he is directly in front of her, not towering, but standing close enough to have her full attention. A gentle smile graces his lips.
"I could ask you the same thing. Why are you not celebrating with your guild?"
Erza almost chuckles as she looks out to her guildmates. "It's so typical of Fairy Tail to celebrate the defeat of an enemy even when the surrounding town is in ruins," she looks up at Jellal and sighs wistfully. "But this battle doesn't quite feel like it was won to me. If it weren't for the Zodiac we'd all be dead. We just defended what we could until they finished everything for us."
Jellal frowns as he looks up at the night sky. "There's nothing wrong with that. In the end, the outcome was more or less the one we wanted."
Erza sighs again. "I suppose."
Erza takes a moment to peek up at him as he gazes at the stars. His dark hair almost blends in with the midnight blue of the sky. His pale face is stark against the dark surroundings, his tattoo nearly black against his cheek.
She can see the fatigue in his eyes, the age that has become him. All while she slept on Tenrou Island, seven long years had gone by for him. He had managed to escape prison, had regained his memories, and had managed to form a guild dedicated to eradicating dark wizards. He had made something of himself in those seven years, something he should be overwhelmingly proud of. But still, behind his eyes she can see the guilt that continues to plague him, as it did even before he'd gotten his memories back.
"And what will you do now?" Erza asks, breaking Jellal's gaze from the stars. She almost dreads the answer but needs to know for certain where he will go after this, needs to know what will become of him.
Jellal slowly makes his way to the debris Erza sits on, walking to stand beside her instead of in front of her. He nods down at the rubble and she gestures for him to sit.
He doesn't look at her as he answers, instead he watches those still celebrating, a small tilt overcoming his lips at how carefree they all are.
"I'll find Ultear and Meredy, go back to traveling as Crime Sorciere, I suppose." Ah, the answer Erza had been dreading.
"You know you'd be more than welcome at Fairy Tail," Erza cuts in before thinking the whole thought through. "All of you."
She could kick herself for sounding so desperate, but she figures that's about what she is at this point. She doesn't want to say goodbye to him, not again and not for another indefinite amount of time. It seems to be a trend that years of time go by when they part ways, not seeing each other until some horrible circumstance brings them together once again.
And she doesn't even want to entertain the thought of never seeing him again. Not when she just got him back.
"You know that's not possible," he tells her, looking at her with soft eyes. "I cannot continue this ruse as Mystogan; the council knows who I am and will be looking for me now that the Games are over. I'm still a fugitive, Erza," he says to her. As if she could forget.
"It's true that being Mystogan has given me the smallest bit of freedom to be around people again, the freedom to be around you again, but ultimately me pretending to be someone else will not be safe for all of you."
Erza can feel her face warm at his words but holds his eyes, praying the night will her hide her blushing cheeks.
"I can't bring that kind of trouble to Fairy Tail," Jellal goes on, "I've already caused you all enough trouble by being in Crocus, and as soon as everything is settled, I'll be on my way with Crime Sorciere," his eyes drift away from her and to the ground as he continues, "We still have much to atone for."
Erza feels a spike of anger as she listens to him, knowing he is once again referring to the Tower of Heaven. She already told him he had nothing to feel guilty about, and it makes her angry to see he still thinks of it as something he must fix. He was just the vessel; Zeref is the only one to blame.
Her hands turn into fists on her knees and she can feel her fingernails biting painfully into her palms. Why is it so difficult for him to realize he had been forgiven a long time ago?
"You have nothing to atone for, Jellal," she tries to keep her tone neutral, but when he turns away slightly, she knows venom has crept into her voice.
His eyes flash with brief ire, though directly only at himself. "You know that's not true, Erza."
"Jellal," she grits her teeth and stands up to grab his attention, hands fisted at her sides as she feels her face flush with her escalating anger. "When will you realize you have been forgiven?" her voice trembles with frustration and to her horror, she feels angry tears beginning to sting in her eyes. "You stubborn man, when will you finally understand? You need to stop punishing yourself for sins you didn't commit!"
He doesn't speak, only turns his head away from her, but she can see his jaw lock and knows his anger is flaring. But not towards her, never towards her.
Sometimes his quiet anger and timid nature make Erza forget how powerful a man Jellal really is. Sometimes she forgets that he, albeit as Siegrain, was once a wizard saint and one of the most powerful mages in Fiore; the only mage to practice a magic as powerful as Heavenly Body magic. As he sits in front her, clearly wanting the subject to drop, Erza can finally see the determination of a wizard saint in his hardened expression.
She takes a deep breath to attempt to calm down. She is torn between wanting to make him yell at her, for him to do anything besides sit there is a quiet rage, and not wanting to upset him more than she already has. Only Jellal has ever been able to infuriate her in such a way. She shakes her head at herself.
She sits back down next to him, surprising him as she gently takes his hand to grab his attention. "Please Jellal," she begins to plead with him, "We came so close to death tonight, but by some miracle we are both still here. Please give yourself this moment to believe you are the good man I know you to be."
His grip tightens on her hand for a brief moment before he tears it and his gaze away from her. The abruptness of the gesture makes Erza's breath catch.
"You give me far too much credit," he retorts bitterly, running his fingers through his bangs before resting the heel of his hand against forehead. "I am not a good man. I am far too selfish."
Selfish. She thinks back to when they tumbled down the hill. God forbid he actually ever be selfish, let alone when they ended up tangled together in the grass. There was longing, as well as something like wonder, in his eyes as he gazed down at her. It pained Erza to see, especially knowing the same desperation for him was evident in her own eyes. If he had decided to be what he believed was selfish in that moment, she wouldn't have stopped him.
It had stung when he pushed her away, but at the same time she wasn't surprised. He continues to punish himself, but unknowingly punishes her too by denying both of them of what they truly want from one another.
Erza grabs the hand he has covering his face, placing it in her lap and not letting go. "A selfish man would not have created a magical guild for the sole purpose of taking out dark bands of wizards, Jellal. A selfish man on the run from the law would not have risked himself in something as public as the Grand Magic Games because of a hunch that he might be able to find Zeref. A selfish man would not fight for a guild that isn't his.
"Please," she whispers, and for a moment he holds her burning gaze. "You need to forgive yourself, Jellal. It is no way to live."
He breaks, looking down towards their intertwined hands. "It's not something I deserve, Erza. A man like me," he shakes his head remorsefully, "I don't deserve such a peaceful existence."
She grits her teeth and knows his fingers are probably on the verge of breaking from her tightened grip. "That is not something you get to decide, Jellal," she tells him fiercely, "The people around you are the ones who will judge your character for themselves; you do not get to keep pushing people away like this!"
The last sentence was not something meant to leave her mouth, as she knows now that she is no longer talking about forgiveness.
She can see something in his head click, and she finally finds his eyes boring into hers. "You think this is about wanting to push people away?" he asks softly, and despite her frighteningly angry demeanor, he brushes his thumb across her knuckles soothingly. "I refuse to hurt anyone else the way I've hurt you, Erza. And I refuse to ever hurt you again. That is not a risk I am willing to take."
She shakes her head, bringing both hands to cup his jaw so he can't look away from her. "Jellal, you have to understand," she pleads softly, and squeezes her eyes shut to try to keep tears she feels filling both of her eyes at bay. She ignores the way her vision blurs when she opens them again.
She traces his tattoo with her thumb as she speaks. "You could never hurt me more than you would by leaving me again. Please, stay."
He lets out a breath she could tell he'd been holding as he presses his forehead against hers. She can feel her heartbeat quicken at their close proximity. She is surprised by his sudden act of affection, but doesn't back away.
"You know I can't do that," he speaks softly, and brings his hand up to brush away the traitorous tear falling down her cheek.
In truth, she does know that. The circumstances require that he go back into hiding with his guild and continue to move from place to place in order to keep the council guessing. He can't stay just to have the council take him away when they inevitably catch him again. She knows she owes it to him to finally have the only freedom he's ever really known; the freedom he has traveling with Ultear and Meredy.
She knows, but that doesn't stop her from wanting to be selfish. The kind of selfish he should have been when he landed on top of her at the bottom of the hill.
She can't stop herself as the two hands she has on his cheeks bring him toward her. When she presses her mouth to his she can taste the salt of her own tears along with the sweetness of his lips. She slides her hands down to lightly place on his shoulders, giving him more freedom to pull away than if she kept both hands on his face. The last thing she wants to do is break away from him, but knows it's not fair to not give him the option.
When he does begin to pull away, her heart sinks and her hands fall to his chest. She looks up at his face to see it colored with confusion, but with curiosity as well. He opens his mouth, no doubt to come up with another lie, as he did the first time. Her eyes dare him to make up an excuse again. His features flash with brief confliction before he closes his mouth and brings a hand up to her face. He closes his eyes, resolve finally overcoming him as he captures her lips.
She feels herself sigh into his mouth at the gentle way he kisses her. He kisses her in a way that is soft and deliberate, a little hesitant, but completely him. His fingers slowly tangle into her scarlet hair, and the hands she had resting on his chest creep up to either side of his jaw, holding him in place.
His slow kisses make her glad she is sitting down, as she can feel her whole body trembling with emotion. Her heart has never felt so full, knowing that all of her guildmates are safe, and the man in front of her has finally decided to stop hiding from his feelings.
He breaks away from her tentatively, almost reluctantly, before pressing another quick kiss to her forehead and pulling her into his arms.
"This isn't going to be forever, Erza," he murmurs into her hair, a solemnly whispered promise, and she buries her face further in his robes as she clutches at his back. "We will go on with our guilds and we will continue to live and fight for the ones we love."
He pauses, pulling away from her slightly to cup her face and look into the warm, comforting brown of her eyes.
He presses their foreheads together before pressing another soft kiss to her lips. "And I will continue to live for you."
At first, she almost misses the weight of this confession, before she remembers what she said to him at the bottom of the hill after he pushed her away; after his boldfaced lie.
Do you love her?
Then live. Live for her.
And so he will.
I hope you enjoyed! I'm kinda leaving the end up for interpretation, as we all know they did ending up parting ways when everything was said and done. I was really frustrated with how Mashima left their relationship so unresolved so I dabbled in um... correcting it a bit lol