So I was listening to Broken Vow; Lara Fabian and this just popped into my head. Such a beautiful song, totally advise you listen to it.
Broken Vow
Tell me her name, I want to know, the way she looks and where you go. I need to see her face.
"For God's sake, just tell me Edward!" I screamed at my soon to be ex-husband as I threw my belongings had into the old battered suitcase that has seen me through moving away after my parents' divorce, moving back home after my mother's second marriage, going on holiday with the Cullen's, the move to university, the move into our first house, our honeymoon, the list goes on.
Edward was sat on our marital bed, his head in his hands, tears running down his face begging me not to leave him. "Why?" he sobbed, "I've already hurt you, Bells, please, I can't hurt you even more than I already have," he tried to enclose my wrist with his long fingers but his touch was like ice and I withdrew my hand from him. It's never been like that before. His touch always set my body on fire, leaving me longing for more.
"That's to fucking late," I hissed. "Please Edward. I want to know her name; I need to know her name." I whispered as the tears I'd held in fell down my cheeks.
The look on Edward's face was distraught. I hated seeing Edward, the man I loved, in such pain but he hurt me bad. He deserves this, I thought, he was the one who spent the final 4 years of our marriage with another woman.
I don't know how much time passed as Edward watched me pack my clothes so I could just walk away and that be that leaving everything down to the lawyers to finish our marriage. My thoughts were pulled to the present as Edward whispered one word that would forever be a cold knife through my heart.
"Tanya."
My breathing hitched. I knew exactly who she was. She was his college at the hospital. The woman who I'd always feared would take my husband away. The most beautiful woman I have ever had the unlucky encounter of meeting. I knew I'd never be enough for a Cullen. All throughout high school the whispers were there, the snarky remarks, the pitiful glares. I guess it was only time. Maybe, just maybe, I thought that 14 years down the line, I wouldn't have to worry anymore.
I need to understand why you and I came to an end. Tell me again, I want to hear.
It was miserable outside. It portrayed the feeling within our house perfectly. I was stood at the front door looking into our house recalling so many memories we've had over the past 14 years. Some good, some bad. Some amazing, some heart-breaking.
Most memories in were good ones. Edward was pretty much perfect right down to a tee. He was kind and thoughtful and lovely and charming and everything you could ever wish for.
Whenever I was ill, he'd practically put me on bed rest where he'd wait on me hand and foot, constantly bringing me sweet tea and crackers. Within a few hours of this he'd give in to my complaints and he'd snuggle up next to me in our bed where we'd watch old movies. Every time I was sick he'd come and hold my hair back, gently pat a damp cloth over my clammy forehead, rub my back in soothing circles, you name it, he did it. Like I said, he was perfect.
Not only that, he was also caring whenever I wasn't ill. I'd come home from a long day at work to find him making dinner with soothing music in the background. Whenever it'd been a long day, Edward could just read me and run me a relaxing bath. He'd know my moods better than myself. He'd know that whenever I was missing my parents all he'd have to do was to put The Lion King on again and I'd smile again. Like, I said he was perfect.
Edward was even perfect after the downs in our relationship.
For example, when we lost our first and only child to a still birth. We'd both been heartbroken but I took it worse than poor Edward. I turned into a zombie, blaming and punishing myself. Edward pulled me back from my depression and back into the real world. He taught me that love would conquer all and that together, we could defeat anything.
He'd held my hand when the doctor told me I could never carry a child full term but to Edward he promised me it didn't matter. He promised me that after losing our first child he couldn't go through the pain of that again and just the thought of losing me if we tried again made my poor husband break down in tears. He promised me that only having me in his life was enough and more than he deserved.
"You're leaving," he whispered as yet again, he brought me back to the present.
"I have to Edward," I sighed, "4 years you've been sleeping with her Edward! Four fucking years! Why…just please, tell me why? What did I do wrong, where did I go wrong?" I begged as yet again I cried. I was sick to death of crying. I've wasted too many tears.
"Sweetheart," he murmured as he reached out to touch me.
"Don't Edward. Please just…don't."
Edward withdrew his hand, yet again pain crossing his beautiful features.
"Bella, I promise you didn't do anything. This one's all on me. I just…I had an affair, I'm sorry, ok? I can't even…I never ever wanted to hurt you Bells but, the way I feel with…her-"
"Tanya," I seethed.
"Yeah um, Tanya- the way I feel with Tanya just made me feel alive after everything with the baby and Bella, I never wanted to hurt you," he said, trying not to cry again.
"So it was my fault. Brilliant. I…I've got to go Edward," and with that I turned away from the love of my life and into the cold, wet, dark outside not knowing what to do with my life, where to go or why I was even bothering.
Who lays with you at night when I'm here all alone remembering when I was your own?
It's been 3 weeks since walking away from my home that I shared with Edward. 3 weeks of constant moping and tears. I was sick of it. Sick of letting Edward making me feel this way, sick of Edward still being the constant in my life.
Apparently Edward's sold our house and has moved in with her. It hurts. It hurts so much that he just threw away what we had. Got over me like I meant nothing to him.
I'd moved into some little flat downtown. It was dark and small and dingy and perfect for said moping to be done. Here I could hide. Hide from all the pain the outside had to offer.
So here I was, 3rd Corona in hand as I sorted through my keepsake box Edward has sent me via the lawyers. There was so much in this box. Cinema tickets, the baby book we created, Edward's concert tickets from back in high school, our prom ticket, the wedding cake topper, the garter from our wedding, the notepads from all the hotels we've visited, a chip of brick from our first flat, the list goes one.
Ha, as I curled into the tightest ball possible and cried silently sobbed into one of Edward's old jumpers all I could think about was Edward in bed with her to keep him warm at night.
I wondered if she rubbed that spot just behind his ear when he was sleepy to soothe him. I wondered if she fitted next to him just like they were jigsaw pieces that fitted perfectly together just like they were made for each other. I wondered if she kissed him where I kissed him. I wondered if she appreciated just how safe he could make you feel. I wondered if she realised how much she ruined my life.
I'll let you go, I'll let you fly, why do I keep asking why? I'll let you go.
I'm a fucking masochist.
Over and over and over again, I keep going over the breakdown of our marriage. It's official. I'm a single woman. Everything was halved right down the middle. It was easier that way. No fuss.
Edward tried to give me more but I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept his pity. Money couldn't make up for what happened.
I miss Edward. I miss Alice and Jazz and their twins Elspeth and Ellie. I miss Em and Rosalie and their boys Harry, Jack and Liam. I miss Esme and Carlisle. I miss my family. I miss being part of a family. I cut everyone off, much to the disappointment of Alice and Esme. Like I said, I miss them with all my being but I know that being around them is only going to hurt. They'll feel as if they have to pussy foot around and not mention Edward but knowing my luck it'll slip out and it'll get awkward.
I can't deal with that. If you could guarantee that I'd go visit them and everything would be like before then I'd fight to go over there but it never happens after divorce. Nothing is the same again. I lost, not only the love of my life, but I lost my family too.
"I close my eyes and dream of you and I, and then I realise there's more to life than only bitterness and lies," the song that's been on repeat all the way through my divorce comes on shuffle on my iPod.
If only I could escape to my dreams. Every night I dream of him. Sometimes it's lovely and I dream of a time where we were perfect. The downside being waking up and feeling that sense of loneliness. Other times I dream of when I found out about the affair. Yet again, only to wake up and feel lonely.
I go to work but that's about it. The kids at my school cheer me up so much though. The innocence in a young child's mind is something which must always be recorded. I have recorded it.
I've made myself a plan to keep myself busy. I've been writing down what the children say and I'm putting them into a book. Like I said, their words make me smile so much so why not share that? I've always wanted to write a book and maybe one day I will but for now this will pacify me.
I think I'm slowly getting there.
I'd give away my soul to hold you once again and never let this promise end.
It's been two years. Two years since I'd last seen Edward.
In those two years I got my book published, I've travelled, I got back in touch with the Cullen's bar Edward of course. These last two years haven't been so bad.
One thing though, I still love Edward. I tried to hate him, believe me I did, but I just couldn't do it. I let him go, simple as. I don't know where he's at or what he's doing or who he's with and sure I wonder but then I realised that is doesn't matter as long as he's happy.
Today I turned 34. Scary shit, huh? Alice is planning a girly night in with Rosalie which will consist of Romeo & Juliet, The Titanic, beer and ice cream. Not too shabby for Bella. So here I am covering my living room floor with cushions and blankets, closing the curtains and waiting for the girls to come.
~Knock knock.
How odd. Alice has a key and I've never know her to knock, ever. Not even when I'd spend the night at hers with Edward and she'd just barge into his room to find us in a…compromising position so to speak.
As I pulled back the door the last person I expected to be there greeted me.
"Um, wow, hi Bells," Edward stuttered as he looked down at his shoes.
"E-Edward. What the…what the fuck are you doing here?" I gasped.
So I've left the ending open for you guys to run with. You may hate me for that you may not.
I have written an ending to this though because...well, I couldn't stop.
Tell me her name I want to know,
The way she looks and where you go.
I need to see her face, I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end.
Tell me again I want to hear, I'll let you go, I'll let you fly
Who broke my faith in all these years.
Who lays with you at night when I'm here all alone.
Remembering when I was your own.
Why do I keep asking why
I'll let you go now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch that one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
I close my eyes and dream of you and I
And then I realize there's more to life than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes, I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
I hope you like x