The Young Cure
The Young Ones/The Cure cross-over. Lots of hot man-on-man action. If you don't like that, don't read, but I don't care what you think because it's amazing and beautiful!! Robert Smith and Vyvyan BELONG together, no matter what anyone says - it is TRUE LOVE, you can't deny the chemistry they had when The Cure appeared in that episode!!
Also, I wrote this with my best bud Monty, who is a BABE!! LOVE YA MONTY!! You'll see our different sections under our names.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Young Ones nor The Cure. The song "Left Me For Dead" belongs to Rob Dougan. Don't sue, k? Also, I'd like to send out a message to Pete Doherty – MARRY ME!!!
Olivia:
"MUHAHAHAHA!" emerged the booming laugher from the giant psychotic spider, rapidly making its way toward the boys. Mike had told Vyvyan thousands of times not to play with radioactive waste in the broom cupboard....
"Oh no, heavyyyy, spider man is having us for dinner tonight!" cried Neil, ducking behind the longue.
Then at the very moment, out of nowhere, a calming melody started playing...
"Spiderman is having you for dinner toniiiight..." the vocals breathed heavily.
"What the bloody hell is that?!" cried Rick.
"It's The Cure!" shouted Vyvyan.
"What - do get rid of this spider?"
"No, THE Cure!"
The boys spun around to behold ROBERTSMITH... and more importantly, his HAIR... standing beneath a spotlight and panting into the microphone.
The spider seemed instantly drawn to him and with a hiss, began to advance toward the aroused goth, turning its back on the boys, who gave a collective sigh of relief.
Robert Smith further sexualised his vocals to the point of explicit, vigorously rubbing his nibbles.
"Come to me, spider! I WANT YOU!" he cried.
"Ewww, Robert Smith's a bit of weirdy," said Rick, his lip curling in repulse.
Meanwhile, Vyvyan had jealousy in his eyes. "Why is Robert Smith paying attention to the spider and not me?" he pouted
Monty:
The spider began advancing on candystripe legs, the reflection of Robert Smith's beano comic glinting in his eyes..."I am extremely aroused", it clicked quietly.
"NOO!" yelled Rik. "You fascists, you can't do that! Besides, I put superglue on the floor!"
"what?" said the Spider, testing its feet cautiously..while Robert Smith gasped quietly in the corner.
"Haha! It was just a trick, and YOU FELL FOR IT!"
"Lol" said Robert Smith.
"Yes, robert, what is it?" said Lol tolhurst, master of hilarity in the gloomiest band in the world. (Hey come on, Radiohead didn't exist yet at this point in time.) Lol began gently stroking Robert's hair..."don't worry about the spider my dark darling," he whispered. "Lol will save you."
The two men began leaning closer to each other, smeary lipsticked mouths beginning to meet...when suddenly...
"CAKE DECORATING SET 3 POUND NINTEY NINE!" yelled Robert Smith!
"ahem..." coughed Neil. "Guys..guys..the spider appears to be sitting on my chest now and molesting my face and...and it's really...HEAVYYYYYY"
Olivia:
"Shuddup NE-AL, I'm trying to watch these fantastic super hot girlies get it on..." replied Rick as a pervy grin spread across his face, his hand promptly disappearing down his pants.
"Um... Rick... I don't want to bring you down, right... but Robert Smith and Lol are actually men," explained Neil.
Rick snorted. "Yeah right, prove it!"
"Well, how many girls do you know called Robert?"
There was a brief silence as this revelation suddenly hit Rick, his eyes growing wide with horror. He quickly withdrew his hand and muttered "shit, shit!"
"Ha ha ha, POOF!" laughed Vyvyan.
"Ha! You wish I was," sneered Rick.
"Just what are you implying?!"
"Oh, don't act so ruddy oblivious, Vyvyan – I think we ALL know that the REAL poof around here is you!!"
"Right. That's it." With that, Vyvyan picked up Rick and threw him violently across the room, causing him to collide with Neil's speakers.
Upon this collision, coma-inducingly boring music began purging out of the speakers.
"AAAAAARGH!" cried Rick, putting his hand over his ears. "What is that horrible sound?"
"Oh, it's my new Pete Doherty record, it's really good!" smiled Neil hazily.
"TURN IT OFF!" cried the others, running around the room and screaming as blood poured out of their ears.
Monty:
"but I don't want to play this lame music", the speaker said morosely before it was somehow sat on by the spider in the furore.
"My life is worthless," said the speaker sadly. "I guess I'd better commit suicide."
"I know what could drown this out," said Robert, still locked in a passionate embrace with Lol Tolhurst. "A CURE GUARANTEED...DEEP MELODIC BASSLINE! BOOO YEAH!"
"um..Robert", said That Guy From The Cure Whose Name No One Can Remember Probably Since Robert Smith is The Only Constant Member Of The CUre and People Only Remember Lol Cause Of His Stupid Name.
"since when did we say "boo yeah"?"
"Oh...yeah.." said Robert, face falling. He began using the tarnished surface of the spider's carapace as a mirror to reapply his lipstick. As usual, he appled it badly.
"Um..do you want any tips?" said Neil's Speaker. "There's a whole bunch of cosmos in Rik's room and they've got Seven perfect ways to touch up lipstick...I'd run up and get it for you but I've got no legs."
"No, it's Ok, it's fine like this" said Robert Smith. "Few people know that I'm actually really good at applying makeup. It's just that..."
"WOT, when you're busy FACE MASHING with Bloody Ha Ha LOL it gets smudged beyond recognition?" yowled Vyvyan.
"well, erm..yeah"
"Um, actually," piped up That Other Cure Guy timidly. "Robert says the only reason he has to kiss us is cause we haven't got our own lipsticks, and that's how we get our lipstick too."
"Why doesn't he just lend you guys the lipstick if you must act like ridiculous girlies then," said Mike from the corner where he had been reading a boring magazine. "Ah, Mike the cool guy solves the problem once again!"
Robert Smith dived on him, pinning him to the wall. His elegant hand came out and clamped over Mike's mouth. "Don't tell them that!" he whispered in a frightened way into Mike's ear.
"Ooh, so Mike's poofy now, is he?" Rik said triumphantly. "I suppose we've got someone NEW to clean the oven then!
Olivia:
As Robert Smith and Mike began making out, Vyvyan watched with hurt eyes once again. He sniffed and wiped away a tear as he pulled from his pocket the little magazine cut-out of Robert Smith's face he carried everywhere, ripping it into pieces.
"Robert Smith, my heart aches for you..." he sighed.
"Wow Vyv, you're really out of character, man..." pointed out Neil.
Vyvyan scowled. "What do you expect? It's a fucking fanfic!"
"Um, excuse me," said the long-forgotten rapist spider in a rather proper accent. "I don't mean to bother you all, but where's the plot?"
"Oh, piss off spider!" sneered Rick. "No one's interested in you! That part of the story's over, it's time for some ruddy good man action now!"
"I thought you were straight, Rick... you were horrified about the thought of wanking over men a few minutes ago!" interjected Neil.
"Straight? PAH! No, I'm a child of the rainbow!! Society tries to repress me, but it can't! I'm a wild-eyed anarchist, testing all the taboos! Up the back passage, the forbidden doorway, that's the life for me – none of this mundane hetero business, that's for squares!" Rick ranted on.
"All right then," said Noel, dragging Rick over to him by the collar and kissing him passionately.
Meanwhile Vyv was trying to hang himself. "Goodbye Robert..." he proclaimed dramatically, as slipped his head through the loop and prepared to jump from the chair.
Just then, a Scottish accent: "No, Vyvyan, don't kill yourself!"
A little hamster with gelled hair and forehead studs appeared at the bottom of the chair, looking up with pleading eyes.
"Why not? Robert Smith doesn't love me and my heart is broken," sobbed Vyv.
"Because..." SPG took a breath. "I love you!"
SHOCK HORROR
Monty:
"and..um...I haven't told you this for years, but..um..I'm actually Robert Smith!"
"Um..what?" said Neil, pausing from his passionate kissing-and-heavy-petting session with Rik next to the television, which incidentally was now playing..NOSIN' AROUND
"why..can't..we..drink..in pubs?' said a gormless voice from the television.
"Erm..yeah," said The Real Robert Smith, ripping off his Hamster disguise. "I didn't know how you'd take it.. so I hired this robotic Robert Smith to pretend to be the real one and keep the others occupied while I told you the news. This is what happens to me when I go missing, I have just gone off and returned to my true form."
There was a clanking and grinding noise. Mike, disgusted at hearing that Robert Smith was actually a robot, had discarded his metallic body on the floor where the spider was devouring it crotch first! The robot's pleasure centres were firing..and robot smith was REALLY enjoying it!
"Oh my..you haven't heard how relieved I am..." Vyv whispered passionately..his hand sliding towards The Real Robert Smith's pert gothic arse. "did I ever tell you how much I love lipstick?"
The two began to passionately kiss..and then decided to go into Neil's room to explore SPG's true form a little more.
"HEY!" yelled Mike from the floor, straddling The Other Guy From The Cure. "There's roller disco lion tamers in there!"
Olivia:
It was too late, for Mike and the others heard blood-curdling screams followed by a sickening crunch.
"ROBERT! MY TRUE LOVE! NOOOOO!" cried Vyvyan, sobbing hysterically.
[insert melodramatic wangst here]
All was dark in Vyvyan's world now. He didn't even want to go to the mall with Rick anymore. He life felt like an endless collage of grey since Robert was eaten by that lion. His true love was dead, he couldn't go on...
You didn't stop to look round
You were gone before I hit the ground
You went on you're way
And no prayer was said
You left me for dead
You didn't cover my face
I didn't merit a communal grave
You set me aside
And no tears were shed
You left me for dead
And I say I won't stop no 'til hell is your home
There's no where to hide (no nowhere)
You'll feel the cold of my gun at you're head
Ah you left me for dead
And it's not like you stayed by my side or you called me a priest.
Meanwhile...
Neil and Rick were locked in a passionate embrace. Rick's heart drummed against his chest as he looked into Neil's beautiful, handsome face. All his romantic dreams were going to come true... However, Rick's hymen had not yet broken. He expelled a sigh and admitted to Neil, "I'm really nervous about our first time... and I'm even more nervous about the fact your speaker is watching us."
"Oh never mind me, carry on!" reassured the speaker a little too eagerly.
Monty:
Meanwhile, Robot Smith was lying in the floor in complete sexual ecstasy post crotch chomping. The spider had decided it was sated and crawled out the chimney. Suddenly, Vyvyan burst into the room screaming...
"WHYYYY!" he yelled loudly.
"Ooh!" said Robot smith, and recorded the scream on his portable tape recorder. "This'd make a totally kicking start to a tune!"
Suddenly, he noticed Vyvyan was yelling "ROBERT SMITH IS GOOONE!"
"Um..seriously, what?" said Robot Smith, jumping to his feet. Inexplicably he suddenly hurled a dart over at the television where it neatly severed the cable, thereby cutting off the transition of Nosin' Around..PERMANENTLY.
"um..why did you do that? I mean..that was pretty accurate and all that but why?" said Rik incredulously, in the oven with Neil.
"Because," said Robot Smith triumphantly and began to sing, "my friends are gay for..accuracy! Accuracy!"
"WHY DID YOU DOOO THIS TO ME!" Vyvyan yelled in anguish.
" are you so upset? said Robot Smith. "I mean..I'm right here. I'm not dead at all."
"YOU'RE A ROBOT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE REAL THING!" yelled Vyvyan through gritted teeth and tears.
"erm..no..I'm not a robot, seriously, did that ratty hamster SPG tell you that? He's not Robert Smith, I'm Robert Smith! He only pretended to be the real me so that he could engage in sexual relations with you...I mean..you wouldn't exactly let a HAMSTER shag you!" Robert Smith said in a confused fashion.
"Wot..so.." said Rik, and sudddenly began laughing brutishly. "Oh my god, Vyvyan was about to shag his HAMSTER!"
"Um..Robert," said Neil in a befuddled way. "Why did you let SPG pretend to be you anyway?"
"well..there were a few favours he did for me and I needed to repay them. For one, he directed "why can't I be you" free of charge, and he also provided us with a bowl of brown m&ms at our last tour." Robert replied.
Vyvyan began yelling. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! SPG WAS A HAMSTER ALL ALONG AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY THE REAL ROBERT SMITH!" as he dived on Robert and began fondling his pert gothic arse. (take 2.)
"I'm sure you would have been able to tell he was a real hamster," ejaculated Lol from the corner, "if only for his ridiculously tiny genitals."
To be continued...