August 2021
"Glee's about learning how to accept yourself for who you are, no matter what other people think. And that's what this music is all about."
Eleven-year-old Lily Hudson smiled as she ran her fingers over her father's senior quote in the 2012 edition of the McKinley High Thunderclap. She skimmed slightly ahead in the alphabetical listings. Predictably, the next person who's name she cared about was Kurt Hummel, her uncle. His senior quote had been, "When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone."
"Why would Uncle Kurt ever have to be alone?" Lily wondered in her head. "Everyone loves him!"
Not everyone, she remembered as she recalled Kurt having to briefly transfer schools to escape from a certain bully. But that bully had ended up in jail less than a year after Kurt's transfer, so in the long run, all he had managed to accomplish was bringing Kurt and Blaine closer together. So he had essentially lost.
Lily liked to spend hours skimming through the pages of the yearbook, replaying the stories in her mind about the people she'd heard about from her family and making up stories in her head about the people her father hadn't known or told her about. Finn had given her a copy of this yearbook when she was six, mostly because of the memorial page in the back.
"To our beloved Quinn,
You are always in our hearts. We know you are up there singing with the angels
With love, Mom and Dad"
Pictures of Lily's mother lined the border of the entire page. Lily herself was in several of them. If she could have had any wish in the world, it would have been to have just one clear memory of her mother. People had always told her to appreciate the fact that having no memories of Quinn meant having nothing to really miss, but it was hard to appreciate what felt like an empty hole.
Lily flipped back to the sports section to locate her father's best friend, Sam Evans. In high school, he had been the quarterback after Finn quit football to spend more time with Lily. Now Sam worked as a building manager at Habitat for Humanity. He visited once or twice a year when he could but his building sites were usually in Ohio.
"Hey, Drizzle," said Lily's father, entering her open room.
"Who is this guy?" asked Lily, pointing to the picture of the man standing next to Sam, gazing intensely and proudly sporting a football uniform. "Is there something wrong with his head, or was this a normal way for people to do their hair back in your day?"
Finn grimaced, and not just because Lily had a way of making him feel old. "He had an unusual idea of what was a good hairstyle, that's for sure."
"Did you know him?" asked Lily.
"He was…" Finn glanced around the room nonchalantly. "He was a friend of your mom's for a while."
"Was he in New Directions, too?" Lily asked.
"Yeah," said Finn. "He thought the whole idea of Glee club was stupid at first, but he was a really good singer. Your mom sort of convinced him to try it out. That's how she knew him."
Lily kept starring at the photo of the broody football player with the Mohawk. This wasn't exactly the type of person she'd ever pictured her mom being friends with. The look in his eyes seemed a little…angry. Almost mournful.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," said Finn, squeezing her daughter's shoulder.
"What was the last thing you said to my mom?"
Finn visibly shuddered at the question. "Why do you want to know that?"
"I just…" Lily bit her lip, suddenly feeling embarrassed about having asked the question. "It's so…"
So frustrating that she couldn't remember anything.
"I don't remember the exact last words I said to her," said Finn. "I know that we'd just been talking about you and how much we both loved you. And then she left to go to that party."
Actually, he was pretty sure that his last words to Quinn were something along the lines of, "I'm done with you. Lily will always be welcome in my house but you will never be. Get the hell out." But he'd certainly rather that his daughter not know that.
"Was she drunk already when she left the house?" asked Lily.
"No," said Finn. "But everyone else at the party was already drunk except for Kurt."
"Oh," said Lily. She hadn't known Kurt was at the party where her mother had gotten drunk the night of her fatal car crash. "Were we at the party too?"
"Nope," said Finn. "You stayed home with me. We just had some down time. Played with your stuffed animals on the bed for a while and then you fell asleep on my chest while I played X-Box."
"Who else was at the party?" asked Lily. "Blaine? Rachel?"
"Yes," said Finn. "But like I said, Kurt was the only one who stayed sober."
"Hmmm," said Lily, glancing away from her father, aggravation etched on her face.
"Why don't you go take Star for another walk?" said Finn.
"Okay," said Lily. She snapped the yearbook shut and tucked it under her pillow. "You know why we decided to name her Star?" said Lily. "Because metaphors are important, and gold stars are a metaphor for Rachel being a star." Then she ran off.
Finn smiled. Then he wondered where Lily had gotten that exact dialogue from. Rachel hadn't had to explain her gold star metaphor in years, everyone just knew. Finn quickly flipped open the yearbook. Of course: it had been Rachel's senior quote.
Then, out of curiosity, Finn skimmed forward to Puck's page. His senior quote was, "Hey losers, tell your mom to call. I'll clean the pool and any other clogged plumbing."
Maybe giving Lily this book wasn't such a good idea after all.
"Star, come here!" called Lily. "Time for a walk!"
The six-month-old golden retriever yipped loudly. Lily laughed and patted her leg so that the dog would follow her towards the front door, then rounded the corner only to see… her two tiny half-siblings sitting on the tile floor by the coat closet rifling through her backpack.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
"Looking for cookies," said three-year-old Ariana.
"Daddy put the cookie jar on top of the fwidge," said two-year-old Aiden. "We can't weach it anymore. We too wittle."
"There are no cookies in my backpack!" snapped Lily.
"We found one once," said Ariana smugly.
"When?" asked Lily.
Ariana shrugged. "A couple of whiles ago."
"Hmm," thought Lily. "Wait a minute, so that's what happened to the cookie Rachel gave me last week?" she roared angrily. "I thought that Star ate it!"
"Uh-uh," said Aiden. "It was us."
"Daddy!" yelled Lily. "Ariana and Aiden have been going through my backpack every day looking for stuff!"
"Then don't leave it laying around on the floor!" Finn called back.
Lily groaned and huffed. "Only three days into the school year and this is what I've got to deal with!" She picked up her backpack and chunked it on the counter. Her stepmother hated it when she left things lying around on the counter. No matter, she'd put it back in her room after she was done walking Star. Aiden and Ariana got up and looked up at her with big sad eyes.
"We sowy Sissy," said Aiden.
Lily sighed. Her siblings often behaved like little monsters, but when it came down to it, they were too cute for her to stay mad at for long. Both of them had soft brown hair slightly lighter than her stepmother's. Aiden's was short but Ariana's hung down her back in a long braid all the time. Ariana had her mother's eyes and her father's nose, Aiden had his father's eyes and his mother's nose. Both of them had Finn's sweet smile.
"It's okay," mumbled Lily. "Just don't do it again." She pulled Star's leash down from it's hook and clipped it on her collar.
"Can we come with you?" asked Ariana.
"No," said Lily. "Star is a puppy so she runs too fast for you to keep up."
Ariana and Aiden looked at each other, then looked up at Lily simultaneously with their sad little faces again. "Pwease?" said Aiden.
"No!" said Lily. Before they could try to con her into doing anything else, she walked out the door and shut it behind her.
Half an hour away, Rachel and Kurt were stuffed into a booth at a recording studio. The background instrumental reached its peak as they both broke into song.
"You're here
There's nothing to fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on"
"Stop!" snapped Kurt, pressing the button that shut off the soundtrack. "That's enough."
Rachel glanced up in surprise. "What's wrong?"
"This whole time I've been feeling like you're the singer and I'm just your backup," said Kurt.
"Because we specifically agreed that I would be the lead vocal for all the Celine covers and you would be the lead vocal for all our Barbra covers," said Rachel. "What's the problem?"
Kurt didn't say anything for a minute. "I never get to do anything you get to do," he mumbled.
Rachel was startled for a moment. Then she said, "What's really wrong?"
"I just told you?" said Kurt.
"No," said Rachel. "You've been brooding."
"Have not," said Kurt.
"Have too," said Rachel "I know you, Kurt. When you resent someone you don't just come out and say it. You sit around brooding about it for days until one of us figures it out."
"Brittany and Santana are having a baby," Kurt blurted out.
"What?" said Rachel. "Since when? Nobody told me! When's the due date?"
"If all goes well, seven months from yesterday," mumbled Kurt bitterly. "Santana is having it. Brittany called me yesterday talking about how "magical" Santana is for coming up with a "new" way to have kids when they discovered that the stork is a bigot. Then she told me Blaine and I should try it sometime."
"Aww," said Rachel. "Well, this is wonderful."
"No it isn't," said Kurt flatly. "Do you have any idea how easy your life is? When Artie and Tina had trouble conceiving, all they had to do is fill out a bunch of adoption papers. Brittany and Santana just went to a sperm bank. All Sam and Marley had to do was throw out the birth control. And you…you had two without even trying!"
Rachel exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry. I had no idea you were jealous."
"I'm not," said Kurt quietly. "I just wish something could be easy for us for once. Is that too much to ask, Rachel?"
Rachel got up, stood next to Kurt's chair, and put her hand on his shoulder. "That's why you and Blaine decided to settle down when we did, isn't it? You wanted to start a family."
Kurt closed his eyes tightly and nodded. That meant he was crying. "Why didn't you tell me?" asked Rachel softly.
"Same reason you didn't announce your pregnancies until you were a couple of months along," said Kurt. "You didn't want anyone asking about it constantly until you were sure. And apparently, for us, it's not going to. Babies are in such high demand that adoption has become virtually impossible for even heterosexual couples, and the only two people who answered our ad about hiring a surrogate were prostitutes."
Rachel tried to lean over and hug Kurt, but he just got up. "Please just leave me alone," snapped Kurt on the way out the door
Rachel spent the drive home lost in thought and basically feeling like the most selfish friend ever.
She remembered the day she found out she was pregnant with Ariana. Before she said anything to her dads or even Finn, she ran to her bedroom, ripped out her phone, and called Kurt.
"Hello?" he'd answered.
"I'm pregnant."
A momentary pause. "What?"
"I'm pregnant."
"It's not April fools day, Rachel."
"I'm not kidding!" Rachel finally half screamed as she burst into tears. "What am I gonna do? I'm too young to settle down! This wasn't supposed to happen until I was twenty-five and had won a Tony!"
"You will win a Tony," Kurt insisted, wishing he were close enough to shake her by the shoulders and remind her where she was. "Listen to me. You're Rachel Berry. This is just a speed bump for you. You will find a way to do it all. Okay?"
Rachel sniffed. "Okay." She sat down and thought to herself how lucky Blaine and Kurt were that they couldn't possibly have an oops baby. They could plan out their family the right way.
Then, of course, came Santana's screams from the living room. "Shoot, gotta go Kurt!" she hit the red button.
"How could I have been so stupid?" Rachel wondered aloud. Whatever envy she felt towards Kurt and Blaine's life, it couldn't be anything compared to the way they envied hers.
For three years now Kurt had been the first person she'd call besides Finn every time she had news about her children. Ariana sat up for the first time. Aiden said his first word. Ariana won her first dance competition. Aiden started learning how to sing. Ariana got into preschool. Now Rachel realized that Kurt must have watched her children grow up masking the pain of not being able to have his own.
Her car pulled into the driveway and she pulled the keys out of the ignition.
"Hi Rachel!" yelled Lily, tearing over to her from the sidewalk, being pulled by their exuberant pup. Rachel slammed the car door shut and ruffled the girl's hair. "Is your album finished yet?" asked Lily.
"No," said Rachel. "It might take awhile. We haven't bought the rights to cover some of the songs we want to do yet."
"You guys should cover a Mellencamp song if you want Grandpa to listen to it," said Lily. "He won't listen to anything else."
"He'll listen to anything your Uncle Kurt sings," said Rachel, nudging open the door to their house.
"I found out what Uncle Kurt's favorite band was when he was my age," said Lily.
"Oh yeah?" said Rachel.
"Mhm." Lily hung Star's leash back up on it's hook. "The Jonas Brothers. He still has some really old posters in a box that he showed me and went on and on about how Joe was the cutest."
"What does he know?" said Rachel. "Nick was the cutest."
"He used to sit at his desk writing "Mr. Kurt Jonas, Kurt Hummel-Jonas, Kurt and Joe Jonas" and other stuff like that with big hearts around it when he was in middle school," said Lily. She discreetly removed her backpack from the counter.
"Oh, I know," said Rachel. "I know the stories." She decided to refrain from mentioning the thousand or so times during her sophomore year of high school that Kurt had glanced over at her biology notes or sheet music and seen "Finn and Rachel Hudson" with a massive red heart drawn around it. And worse, the number of times she had glanced back and seen "Finn and Kurt Hudson-Hummel" written on Kurt's paper.
Ultimately, of course, it had all worked out. Or so she'd thought.
"MOMMY!" Rachel glanced around the corner and saw Aiden standing with a wide smile. He bolted over to her and jumped into her arms, Ariana lagging a minute or so behind.
"Grandma says it's almost dinnertime," said Aiden.
"Guess I'd better freshen up then," said Rachel.
"I have to feed Star," said Lily, ducking into the kitchen where the bag of dog food was.
"Wanna help!" whined Ariana.
"Me too!" said Aiden.
On her way upstairs, Rachel stopped to glance at a random photo of Kurt and Blaine framed in the hallway. Suddenly, it looked frightfully...empty.
Her life was so much fuller than theirs. This wasn't fair. This wasn't right.
I'm going to help Kurt and Blaine get a baby, Rachel decided. No matter what it costs me.
"Hey you," said Finn, coming up behind Rachel and starling her slightly with an affectionate squeeze. "How was your day?"
Rachel bit her lip. "It was alright. We managed to record two covers we've been working on. We talked about some stuff…" she hesitated. "Like the reason he and Blaine decided to settle down."
"Because they want to start a family."
"You…you knew?" whispered Rachel disbelievingly.
"They've barely told anyone," Finn assured her. "Burt and Carole don't know either. They told me a while ago and I think Blaine told his sister, but that's it."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Kurt asked me not to. He didn't want you to feel uncomfortable talking to him about our kids."
That just made Rachel feel even worse.
"I want to help him," she said quietly.
"Then offer to help," said Finn. "Let them know you're there for them. That's all you can do, right?" He kissed her on the top of the head.
"I guess," said Rachel. "How was your day?"
"Mostly same old, same old," said Finn. "Lily started asking me stuff about Quinn out of the blue."
"Like what?"
"The last thing I said to her before she died. I pretended not to remember."
Rachel squeezed Finn's shoulder. "How long are you planning on hiding it from her?"
"Hiding what?" asked Finn.
"That you and Quinn had a fight the last time you talked? That you broke up before she died? That Puck…"
"Hey Finchel!" they heard Burt yell from across the hallway. "Dinner's ready!"
Finn paused long enough to look down at Rachel. "Forever."
"You coming?" called Lily from a distance.
"Yes!" yelled both Finn and Rachel, startling the other one slightly.
"I'm her father," said Finn as he reached for the door handle and stepped out. "That's all she needs to know."
Somewhere in L.A., Noah Puckerman stood in front of the calendar. Not that he needed to be. The upcoming date was etched in his memory so deep he sometimes swore he could smell it coming. And now, here it was.
"It's been two years. Two god damned years and it never got any easier." Whoever the hell decided that time heals all wounds must have lived in a magic bubble of fairy dust where pain was never invented. Time only ever made things worse.
And now, it was time to take action.
A/N: Thanks for reading, everyone! Just so you know, this is the third story in my alternate universe where Kurt talks Rachel out of telling Finn the truth about how Quinn got pregnant. The result: Rachel is somewhat more humble, Hummelberry bond and become best friends early on and Finn does not find out that Lilian Carole Hudson isn't his biological daughter until Puck finally tells him in Silly Love Songs, at which point he has already been raising her for almost a year and refuses to give her up even after Quinn dies in Blame It On The Alcohol. Also, Finchel, Klaine, Brittana, and Wemma are all endgame. The first story in this 'verse is called Better Left Unspoken and the second is called For Better Or For Worse but you don't have to read them in order to understand this one.
The bits about Kurt's Jonas Brothers phase and Blaine having a sister were inspired by the brilliant headcanon of Keitorin Asthore, a hardcore Klaine shipper who's stories I practically worship. I highly recommend them if you're a fan of Klaine, Furt, the Hudmels, Kurt sickfics, or Kurt in general.