Illusion By: Creed
An original songfic by Kathryn
::Warning:: Angsty (Sorry. I was in a bad mood.)
::Disclaimer:: I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. I am merely an obsessive GW fan. I do not own "Illusion" or any other song by Creed or Creed for that matter. If I did, my two best friends would probably be in prison right now for killing me so they could get at Scott Stapp. (Dodges fist flying in her direction) Chill, Riha! I was kidding! But anyway, on to the fic!
~ * ~
(Duo's POV)
1 The sun rises to another day
Snarf, smack. Ohhhhhh! I feel like shit. Oye! My head! But it isn't a hangover. I didn't get drunk last night. I didn't drink at all. I got the short straw. Designated driver. Fun. So why do I fell like crap? Ugh. That sun! It's too bright in here. Another day in paradise. Ha. This sucks monkeys for nickels. I have to go to the carnival today with all the guys. I don't want to. I want to stay in be. What time is it? 6:07. Two hours until I have to go with them. I don't mean I don't like them or anything; they're just too depressing to be around. Why is it that I always have to wear the mask of happiness?
2 My constitution keeps changing
At least I think it is a mask. I can't tell if I'm happy or not anymore. Why can't Heero wear my mask for a day?
3 Till it slips away
What's the use of even thinking about it? All of us have problems, some more than others. So why do I have to hide mine? I want to break out of my shell.
4 So I lie awake and stare
I guess everyone else is just more complicated than me. My meaning in life is simple: Revenge. And I'll get it.
5 My mind thinking, just wandering
I wonder what the group would be like without someone always there to be happy? Would they all come unglued? Think their enemies are each other? Nah. I'm just thinking too much, too early.
6 Is anybody there?
My mind is going over things way too fast. Analyzing it all. I wish I could stop it, but I can't.
7 Should I stay or go?
I wonder what they would do if they found me dead. Mourn? Rejoice? Nothing? I think I'd take door #3. All but Quatre. He'd be sad, because that's the way he is. No one else would feel anything. But, that's the coward's way out. I'm not a coward, just in pain, that's all.
8 Should I sleep or stay awake?
I just want to go back to sleep. I don't want to do anything today, but I can't seem to fall back asleep. My life sucks. I'm so tired of everyone. Just need some sleep, then I'll be able to think clear. I'll be. happy.
9 Am I really happy or is it all.
Will I be happy? Am I really happy? I don't know anymore. It's been so long since I haven't had to be happy.
.Just an illusion?
I feel it inside. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm everything but happy. I feel like my head's gonna explode. I'm gonna crack. I don't want anyone to be around when I do. I'll hurt them.
10 Sitting in my room now
I like being here alone in my room. It gives me time to think. I like to be alone. It's lonely, but comforting at the same time. Does Wufei even know how luck he was to be able to work alone for so long? Then again, I wouldn't be able to live alone. I need people, but not all the time. Even I need some time alone.
11 Hiding thoughts
Everything is just so confusing in my mind. I can't keep it in. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to laugh hysterically. So why can't I?
12 I hear a voice call my name
"Duo? Are you up?" Quatre asked me from outside my door. It was locked, so I didn't have to worry about him coming in and seeing me so different.
13 Breaking a trance, so silent
I hate my thoughts being broken, but if I don't answer he'll get worried and break in. "Yeah, I'm awake." I hear the footsteps go away and I sigh in relief.
14 So I can stay the same
I guess I have to go. I don't feel like dealing with the guys. They just make me. I don't even know. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do or how I should take on the rest of my life.
15 Should I stay or go?
Maybe if they think I'm sick I won't have to go. Then I would have the whole day to myself to sort through my thoughts. No. That wouldn't work. Quatre would want to stay to make sure I get better, and I wouldn't have any time to myself.
16 Should I sleep or stay awake?
I wish I could just go back to sleep. That's the only time I'm actually in peace, but even then I get disturbed. Nightmares. The souls of the lost soldiers haunt me, beckon me to join them. Sometimes I want to give in, to end it all, but I don't want to hurt those I leave behind. So the souls stay with me until the time I'm ready to go.
17 Am I really happy or is it all.
I don't want to be happy today. I want to be angry or depressed. I want to be the way I really am, but I don't really know how anymore. My mask is crumbling in my hands.
.Just an illusion?
I want to stay angry. I never want to act happy again, for anyone. Not strangers or friends. Wait. Stop there.
18 Wait now, many things left unsaid
Friends? Can I really call them 'friends'? We're all in the same situation, but are we really friends? I guess. Maybe. I try to be.
19 This life remains the same
I guess I have no choice. Gotta get up. Gotta live one more day in agony. I feel it, trying to break free. I'll try to keep it back, but it will be harder than ever. It's so close to the surface.
But I change
They'll notice. They'll know there is something different in me. They'll know something is trying to jump out of my skin.
20 I try to fool myself in believing
21 Things are gonna get better
Maybe I'll be able to handle it. Maybe no one will say anything. Maybe it doesn't even show. I'm probable just overreacting.
22 But life goes on
Another day of believable phony smiles. I'll live this day just like every other day. I can't help it. I don't like making them worry.
23 Should I stay or go?
Gotta get ready to go. Gotta live life as always. No big deal.
24 Should I sleep or stay awake?
I walk out of my room and into the kitchen. Everyone is there. I have my usual smile on my face, but this smile isn't reflected in my eyes. No one seems to notice, or if they do, they haven't mentioned it. All for the better. This is the way my life is and will continue to be..... Until I break.
Am I really happy or is it all.
.Just an illusion?
~ End ~
::A.N.:: Gomen! It's kind of depressing, ne? I was in a bad mood. Stupid Glen. But anyways, how'd you like?
An original songfic by Kathryn
::Warning:: Angsty (Sorry. I was in a bad mood.)
::Disclaimer:: I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. I am merely an obsessive GW fan. I do not own "Illusion" or any other song by Creed or Creed for that matter. If I did, my two best friends would probably be in prison right now for killing me so they could get at Scott Stapp. (Dodges fist flying in her direction) Chill, Riha! I was kidding! But anyway, on to the fic!
~ * ~
(Duo's POV)
1 The sun rises to another day
Snarf, smack. Ohhhhhh! I feel like shit. Oye! My head! But it isn't a hangover. I didn't get drunk last night. I didn't drink at all. I got the short straw. Designated driver. Fun. So why do I fell like crap? Ugh. That sun! It's too bright in here. Another day in paradise. Ha. This sucks monkeys for nickels. I have to go to the carnival today with all the guys. I don't want to. I want to stay in be. What time is it? 6:07. Two hours until I have to go with them. I don't mean I don't like them or anything; they're just too depressing to be around. Why is it that I always have to wear the mask of happiness?
2 My constitution keeps changing
At least I think it is a mask. I can't tell if I'm happy or not anymore. Why can't Heero wear my mask for a day?
3 Till it slips away
What's the use of even thinking about it? All of us have problems, some more than others. So why do I have to hide mine? I want to break out of my shell.
4 So I lie awake and stare
I guess everyone else is just more complicated than me. My meaning in life is simple: Revenge. And I'll get it.
5 My mind thinking, just wandering
I wonder what the group would be like without someone always there to be happy? Would they all come unglued? Think their enemies are each other? Nah. I'm just thinking too much, too early.
6 Is anybody there?
My mind is going over things way too fast. Analyzing it all. I wish I could stop it, but I can't.
7 Should I stay or go?
I wonder what they would do if they found me dead. Mourn? Rejoice? Nothing? I think I'd take door #3. All but Quatre. He'd be sad, because that's the way he is. No one else would feel anything. But, that's the coward's way out. I'm not a coward, just in pain, that's all.
8 Should I sleep or stay awake?
I just want to go back to sleep. I don't want to do anything today, but I can't seem to fall back asleep. My life sucks. I'm so tired of everyone. Just need some sleep, then I'll be able to think clear. I'll be. happy.
9 Am I really happy or is it all.
Will I be happy? Am I really happy? I don't know anymore. It's been so long since I haven't had to be happy.
.Just an illusion?
I feel it inside. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm everything but happy. I feel like my head's gonna explode. I'm gonna crack. I don't want anyone to be around when I do. I'll hurt them.
10 Sitting in my room now
I like being here alone in my room. It gives me time to think. I like to be alone. It's lonely, but comforting at the same time. Does Wufei even know how luck he was to be able to work alone for so long? Then again, I wouldn't be able to live alone. I need people, but not all the time. Even I need some time alone.
11 Hiding thoughts
Everything is just so confusing in my mind. I can't keep it in. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to laugh hysterically. So why can't I?
12 I hear a voice call my name
"Duo? Are you up?" Quatre asked me from outside my door. It was locked, so I didn't have to worry about him coming in and seeing me so different.
13 Breaking a trance, so silent
I hate my thoughts being broken, but if I don't answer he'll get worried and break in. "Yeah, I'm awake." I hear the footsteps go away and I sigh in relief.
14 So I can stay the same
I guess I have to go. I don't feel like dealing with the guys. They just make me. I don't even know. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do or how I should take on the rest of my life.
15 Should I stay or go?
Maybe if they think I'm sick I won't have to go. Then I would have the whole day to myself to sort through my thoughts. No. That wouldn't work. Quatre would want to stay to make sure I get better, and I wouldn't have any time to myself.
16 Should I sleep or stay awake?
I wish I could just go back to sleep. That's the only time I'm actually in peace, but even then I get disturbed. Nightmares. The souls of the lost soldiers haunt me, beckon me to join them. Sometimes I want to give in, to end it all, but I don't want to hurt those I leave behind. So the souls stay with me until the time I'm ready to go.
17 Am I really happy or is it all.
I don't want to be happy today. I want to be angry or depressed. I want to be the way I really am, but I don't really know how anymore. My mask is crumbling in my hands.
.Just an illusion?
I want to stay angry. I never want to act happy again, for anyone. Not strangers or friends. Wait. Stop there.
18 Wait now, many things left unsaid
Friends? Can I really call them 'friends'? We're all in the same situation, but are we really friends? I guess. Maybe. I try to be.
19 This life remains the same
I guess I have no choice. Gotta get up. Gotta live one more day in agony. I feel it, trying to break free. I'll try to keep it back, but it will be harder than ever. It's so close to the surface.
But I change
They'll notice. They'll know there is something different in me. They'll know something is trying to jump out of my skin.
20 I try to fool myself in believing
21 Things are gonna get better
Maybe I'll be able to handle it. Maybe no one will say anything. Maybe it doesn't even show. I'm probable just overreacting.
22 But life goes on
Another day of believable phony smiles. I'll live this day just like every other day. I can't help it. I don't like making them worry.
23 Should I stay or go?
Gotta get ready to go. Gotta live life as always. No big deal.
24 Should I sleep or stay awake?
I walk out of my room and into the kitchen. Everyone is there. I have my usual smile on my face, but this smile isn't reflected in my eyes. No one seems to notice, or if they do, they haven't mentioned it. All for the better. This is the way my life is and will continue to be..... Until I break.
Am I really happy or is it all.
.Just an illusion?
~ End ~
::A.N.:: Gomen! It's kind of depressing, ne? I was in a bad mood. Stupid Glen. But anyways, how'd you like?