(Desa's corner:
Yo. So I was watching some clips of the Jerry Springer Show on YouTube a little while ago, and I thought, 'What if our favorite Naruto villains were featured on this show?' The Akatsuki holds tons of secrets, as you all know, and I've wanted to write a crackfic for a while now. I also think that by writing this, I'll FINALLY get over that damned writers block I've had lately. So without further ado, welcome to the Jerry Springer Show – Akatsuki edition! Jerry, disclaimer, please!
Jerry: Wait… Really, me?... Alright, Desa doesn't own Naruto, or the Jerry Springer Show… I own that. *winks*)
Chapter One: Pein the Pineapple's Daycare Center
Screams and a loud chanting of "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!" could be heard throughout the room as the crowd welcomed their beloved host, watching him slide down the pole. Lights flashed from up above on the gray-haired man as he landed with a flourish, making the crowd roar even louder, clapping and cheering him on devotedly. The suited man enthusiastically approached the audience, shaking a few lucky people's hands before turning to the cameras with his info cards in hand, grinning wide. Adjusting his glasses and raising his microphone so he could be heard clearly, he spoke.
"Hello all, and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! Today, instead of the normal schedule, we'll be having a few very special guests on the show! I'm sure you all have heard of the dangerous and scary criminal organization the Akatsuki?"
The crowd screeched at the name, entirely aware of the organization's existence. Many earsplitting squeals of a few particular names could be heard from obvious fangirls in the audience, making Jerry cringe slightly, before continuing.
"This 26-year-old man often goes by his alias 'Pein,' and he's the leader of this notorious criminal organization. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, NAGATO!"
The audience cheered as a spiky, orange haired man with more piercings than words in a dictionary strode gracefully onto the stage, sitting himself down in a chair. He smirked at the crowd, apparently enjoying the attention. Making his way onto the stage, Jerry approached the man.
"So, Naga-"
"Pein-sama."
"Eh? Oh, excuse me. So, Pein, why-"
"Pein-SAMA. Or, you could refer to me as Leader-sama. That's what my subordinates are meant to call me."
Jerry shot Pein a dull look, before continuing. "Alright, Pein-sama, what brings you to the Jerry Springer Show today?" The gray-haired man glanced at an info card once, before looking back up. "It says here that you feel you're running a daycare center for children? Can you explain that?"
"I'm meant to be the leader of an evil organization with S-ranked, elite shinobi as my subordinates, but to be blunt, I feel like I'm housing a bunch of children," he answered in a monotone voice, staring dully at the mob of people in front of them. Accusing ooohs and snickering could be heard drifting from said mob, expressing their amusement towards the insult.
"Why do you say that?" Jerry asked curiously.
"They disrespect each other, they disrespect ME, they're noisy, they whine constantly… if you've met them you'd understand," Pein responded with an irritated sigh. "Konan, my own partner, seems to be one of the only sensible ones, yet she even acts up ordinarily."
"Ahhh, so, who might this Konan be? It says here she's the only female in the Akatsuki – I can see why you've claimed her as your partner," Jerry said, winking at the pierced man. Pein glared at him.
"Don't misunderstand, weakling. I've known her since we were kids. She's part of the entire reason the Akatsuki's even here anymore."
"Really? What's she like, then?" Jerry pressed.
"Usually she's calm and minds her own business, sticking by my side only. Quite a suitable partner, if I do say so myself, especially for a woman."
"Well… let's bring her out here, shall we? Everybody, please meet Konan!" The old man exclaimed, motioning towards an entrance. A beautiful kunoichi clad in Akatsuki robes with blue hair in a bun stormed into the room, glaring daggers at her partner.
"Nagato you FUCKING ASSHOLE!" she sneered. "So THIS was the reason you brought us here? All because the stupid god complex you have is getting to your head more than ever?"
"Konan, I thought you liked being in front of the cameras," Pein wondered aloud, unfazed by her reaction, as he blinked at her.
"You're only degrading our organization EVEN MORE by bringing us out here, you know that? YOUR organization. The one that I seem to do all the fucking work in. Do you think Yahiko would've wanted this?"
Every word the blue-haired kunoichi said only seemed to provoke the audience, as the volume level of their cries was turned up. By now, shouts of "HIT HIM!" and "OOOOOH!" were making themselves distinct among the laughter and cheer. Security guards on stage were (wearily, mind you, as this WAS the Akatsuki) preparing for the worst.
"She does have a point, err, Pein-sama," Jerry said cautiously, deciding to interject. "Why would, as the leader of a professional, well-respected though hated organization like you, want to humiliate yourself and your subordinates in front of the world? What brought you to do this?"
"I had a phone call from an allied clan of ours, one that I immensely respect and trust, saying if I did this, my problems would be fixed." Pein shrugged. "So I did it. Isn't this group counseling, or something?"
At that, you could almost see the entire room visibly sweat drop. "Err, well, I suppose you could call it that…" Jerry responded slowly.
"Nagato… Are. You. Fucking. Serious?" Konan screeched. You could almost see the flames blazing in her eyes as she stared her partner down. "Have you never heard of the Jerry Springer Show? Where the trash of America comes to brawl with each other over shit like cousins fucking each other? Who the hell called you, anyway?"
"H-hey…" Jerry weakly objected, the gesture going completely unnoticed. Pein comically held his chin and stroked it, in deep thought, as he stared off into space.
"It was the Kuroitoshiroi clan, Konan… I didn't get a name, though…" he finally responded after a few moments, frowning slightly.
Recollecting himself, Jerry faced the audience. "Well, why don't we meet this mystery caller then? Come on out!"
The audience, including Pein and Konan, gasped when they saw who emerged. Pieces of paper detached themselves from Konan's body, floating in midair next to her, as she visibly tensed up, and Pein prepared to use his Shinra Tensei. The security guards acted at once, jumping between the two in order to (hopefully) prevent a fight from breaking loose. The figure cackled loudly before easily pushing past the guards and resting his hand on the orange-haired man's cheek, smirking at him.
"It's been a while, hasn't it, Pein-chan?" Orochimaru mused, never once blinking his snake-like yellow eyes.
"SHINRA TENSEI!" Pein instantly cried. At once, Orochimaru's body flung from him, and into the lap of an (unfortunate, poor, poor D:) audience member. The snake-like man sat upright and reclined in the man's lap (who had fainted by now, with the people sitting around him giving them disgusted glances) as he smirked lazily up at his former leader. Sheets of paper, sharp to the point, hovered dangerously close to the snake, but he was unfazed.
"Now, now, Pein-chan, I just wanted to talk," he purred. "Since we're already here, let's enjoy it, shall we?"
"Ehhh… we'll now be cutting to commercial! Hang tight for a bit, everyone!" Jerry exclaimed to the cameras, as enthusiastic as ever, before casting a nervous glance back at the three villains in the room. Was this really such a good idea?
(Desa's corner:
Weeee. End of chapter one. XD I don't know how well this was written as it randomly came to me at like four AM in the morning (just now finished a half an hour later), but yeah. It's just a crackfic anyway, I wrote it for my own entertainment purposes, but decided to share. I hope you enjoyed.
This was so much fun to write, so I'll probably have chapter two up soon. I already have a great idea of what to put in it! XD Oh, and if there's any character you'd like to be featured in this, review with said character! I love suggestions!)