A/N: Post-"Goodbye", I really feel like telling Finn off for giving up on himself, so I'm getting the other characters to do it for me.
Title is from the Cheap Trick song "Surrender".
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Glee. Any similarities to anything they might do are probably just because we're playing with the same things.
Finn watched the train go off in the distance, falling to his knees, overwhelmed by it all. Rachel was gone, and he didn't know when he would see her again, if ever.
Around him his friends made some moves to comfort him, but they mostly decided to leave him alone for now. He couldn't talk to them anyway, for all they knew this was a decision made jointly; they couldn't understand what he was feeling now, how hard it had been to look at the girl he loved more than his life, know that she was willing to give everything up for him, and also know that he couldn't let her.
Rachel was born to be a star, she had dreamed of becoming a star all her life, and now she was on her way. Finn was getting out of her way, headed for the army, his father's dishonorable discharge and his inability to fix it also weighing heavily on him.
It's for the best, he told himself one more time, then tore his eyes away from the horizon and got to his feet, mustering some bravado to answer the lingering "so what are you gonna do?" question from Puck with "I'm joining up, dude. Going to show the U.S. Army what the name Hudson really means."
He didn't explain what they'd really seen.
Eventually word got out.
Three days after he'd put Rachel on the train for New York, Finn got a call from Mr. Schuester, who needed a bit of help moving furniture. Why not, he figured, and headed over to his former teacher's apartment in the early evening.
"Hey, Finn, thanks for coming over," Mr. Schue said, letting him in.
"Sure, no problem," Finn said. "So, uh, you said you wanted some help rearranging a few things?"
"Ah, yes," Mr. Schue replied. He motioned to Finn to follow him into his office area. "Starting with this, actually," he said. taking his 2012 Teacher of the Year award down from the wall. "I think I'll just put it in a drawer somewhere."
"Uh..." Finn was puzzled. "Why? Don't you want to look at it?"
"I would if I thought I had earned it," Mr. Schue said, looking down at the plaque in his hands, then turned to Finn. "When you handed this to me, I was so touched by everything you said. But clearly I don't deserve this."
"What? No! I meant every word. And lots more, it's all true."
"Really? Because from where I'm standing, it's so obvious that I failed." Mr. Schue took a deep breath, then exhaled, looking at Finn's confused face. "You said I taught you to dream. And that meant so much to me, it would to any teacher, to be told that I've inspired a student in some way that will last. But it didn't last, did it? One rejection letter and you pulled the plug on the whole thing, your dream, the life you wanted with the woman you love, everything. If that's me teaching you to dream, then I did a really shitty job."
Finn's face fell and his stomach sank. But Mr. Schue had made such a difference, he felt. "What, you're going to have it all come down to me?" Finn asked, scrambling for a way to object. "'Cause it's not all me, everyone in Glee Club built dreams because of you."
"Everyone in Glee Club," Mr. Schue echoed, and Finn nodded. "Ever wondered why you're so special to me, Finn? It's not just because I see myself in you, or that you're like a son, or brother - sort of nephew, I guess. You changed my life, Finn. For the better, so much for the better. And it was right after I kind of screwed over yours, at least the life you had then." He shifted his plaque into one hand, and reached out to touch Finn's arm with the other, to keep his attention. "I needed you for Glee Club, so I planted pot in your locker and blackmailed you into joining. Which I know caused you no end of trouble with your friends, Puck, Quinn, and the football team. But then I was going to leave, give up teaching and walk away from my dream, my life. You were off the hook and you knew it. You could have gone right back to your old life and never given any of us a second thought. But you didn't. You came back willingly, you talked the others into doing "Don't Stop Believing", and when I heard it I knew I had to stay." He clenched Finn's arm. "I know you've talked about wanting to be a hero like your dad was in the army, before things went bad for him. But you were already my hero, Finn. For that. The life I have now - all of it - I have that because of you. And so does everyone that had their life changed by Glee Club at McKinley, and many more that are yet to come. Because if you hadn't done that, there would be no club. That's why Artie dedicated 'In My Life' to you. For that, for your leadership in the club for three years, for how you brought it on stage at Nationals - and you lit up, don't deny it, you were right before when you said what you love to do is perform - you're our hero. And for the man who stopped me from walking away from my life to now walk away from his..." he shook his head. "It just shows me that I couldn't do for you what you did for me." He looked at Finn, his eyes softening. "By how I measure it, that makes me a failure. And with the one student I wanted to help the most."
Finn hung his head, not sure he could say anything. He hadn't thought about any of that when he'd made that awful decision to set Rachel free, or when he'd been worried about what to do with his life. "So..." he eventually offered, lamely. "You don't really need any furniture moved."
"No." Mr. Schue smiled a little as he dropped his hand from Finn's arm. "I just need you to listen. You were so excited when you let your dream in, how you were going to New York, I can't see you just drop it without doing something. Finn... don't give up on yourself, on the hero that you naturally are. You don't need to literally save a life to truly save one. You've already saved mine."
Finn drove home in silence, not really sure what to make of what Mr. Schue had said to him. He had thought his teacher had helped him to dream, to at least want to make something of himself. But he hadn't found it. Had he given up too soon? On acting, on New York, on Rachel? On himself? But he couldn't let Rachel wait for him, he might never find anything, she had to be free. Even if she didn't know it herself.
Once he came into the house and kicked his shoes off, he heard his mom call him from the living room.
"Finn. Can you come in here please?" It didn't sound much like a question.
Finn went into the living room and looked around at his family, at his mother sitting on the couch, at Burt and Kurt in the chairs. He groaned. "What, another intervention, more people telling me what a mistake I've made?"
"Traditionally there are three," Kurt said. "Consider us... the Ghosts of Finn's Life Present, as Mr. Schue was the Past." Finn shrugged, frowning sullenly.
"Come sit with me, honey," his mom said, patting the seat of the couch next to her. Finn walked quietly over and sat down, not looking at anyone. "So," she continued. "Why don't you tell us about why you've decided to join the army?"
Finn swallowed. "I've explained this," he said. "When I got that letter back from Pace, I had to find something," he said. "It's not like I didn't consider it before. And it had to be something where Rachel couldn't come too, she has to go on with her life."
"But you want to be an actor," Kurt said. "You were so excited about that, more excited than you've been about anything, except marrying Rachel. And sure, it'll take time for you to work on it, anything good always does."
"I need to do something that'll really matter," Finn tried to explain. "Something that can change people's lives."
"What, the Arts don't really matter? Please don't tell my constituents," Burt said.
"I don't mean it like that," Finn said quietly. "I just - I want to honor Dad," he continued, finally looking over at his mother.
"Well I must say you're doing a bang-up job of emulating your father," Carole said seriously, and she started to tear up. "Too bad you started at the wrong end, the part where he ran out on the people he loved." Finn looked away, angry, but she went on, crying in earnest now. "Do you really think he'd want this, Finn? That he'd want you to honor the dead instead of the living? He left us so he wouldn't drag us down with him, but you're determined to go anyway. How much collateral damage does one dead man get to have, that you'd break the heart of the girl you love, that you've promised yourself to, out of some misguided attempt to survive what he couldn't? Your father's biggest failure wasn't the premature end of his military career, it was not being there for us, so try redeeming that."
"Nah, it's all right, Carole," Burt put in. "It's not like Finn really loves Rachel, how could he? He's too young to know what love really is."
Finn shot to his feet and glared down at his stepfather. "I'm letting her go because I love her, I'd rather wreck my own life than hers!"
But Burt still looked up at him patronizingly. "You'd rather break her heart than swallow your pride."
"By the way, Rachel's miserable," Kurt put in. "You don't ask, but you should still know. NYADA's wonderful, apparently, full of talented performers, but she needs more, and the more she thinks about what you're about to do, the worse she gets. She hates the dorms, I think they sound fine, it's just not how she wants to live." Kurt looked directly at Finn, an intense stare. "She wanted to live the rest of her life with you. And on the very day that was supposed to start, you shoved her away and gave her the dressed-up more romantic version of 'it's not you it's me, maybe later, if we're lucky'. I was at the station to support her, she certainly needed it and still does, but don't think for a second that this meant I supported that dick move of yours. Especially not now when she's being taunted by dreams about what if she'd simply refused to get out of the car and onto the train, and what could happen to you now instead. Don't want to wreck her life? Too. Damn. Late."
"Look, I talked it all over with her dads. We agree this is best."
Carole laughed hollowly. "Her dads. The same men who have been against your engagement from the beginning but lied to you about it. And I seriously thought I'd raised you better than to think a woman can't make her own decisions."
"What?" Finn stumbled back and sat down again, almost without realizing it.
"Oh yes," Carole went on. "The whole get-married-now welcome-to-the-family approach? A total lie, to scare you away. So of course they'd be happy with having Rachel go to New York without you."
Shit. Finn had been relying on her fathers' approval to ease his worries about Rachel. Still... "Well maybe they were right to be concerned," he said haltingly. "I can't be what holds her back, if we're really meant to be together then we'll find each other again."
"What holds her back?" Kurt objected. "Was how you got her to calm down and get into performance mode at Nationals, right before her solo, you holding her back? Yes, she told me about that. Before you tore her heart into shreds, when she was still 'this is how wonderful Finn is and why we are perfect together'. Rachel loves you, Finn, more than she ever thought she could love anyone or anything. And she'll listen to you when she won't listen to anyone else, you can make her better, happier, stronger. As for 'meant to be' - for Rachel 'meant to be' has never been about letting things happen. Yes, she's amazingly talented and deserves to be at NYADA, but she's worked her ass off for that, both for how good she is and also to get Carmen Thibideaux to give her a second chance. In Rachel's world, if you really want something you go for it, you don't leave it up to fate. So in Rachel's world -" Kurt shrugged, then glared at Finn. "You clearly don't really want her."
"No..." Finn groaned, protesting. "I've never wanted anything more. But I can't break her to have her, she has to be a star, it's who she is. It killed me to let her go, you know how hard it was for me."
"You made that choice, she didn't, so excuse me if I don't care how hard it was for you." Kurt glared at him venomously. "She's devastated. She's scared that you're going to die and it'll be all her fault, that you don't really love her, that she's failed at the one thing that mattered more than anything else."
"What? Look, I explained this to her. We didn't have much time, but we understand each other better than that. She knows I love her but she has to live her life, be the star she was always meant to be."
"Live her life, huh. What's Rachel's favorite song?" Kurt asked.
Finn blinked at the sudden change in subject. "'Don't Rain on My Parade'," he said, confused about what Kurt was trying. Even after her choking on it in her audition, he knew she still loved it, she always had. "She's loved that song since she was really small." He became more sure of himself. "It's part of her dream, she wants to star in Funny Girl."
"That's right," Kurt said, nodding. Then he looked very pointedly at Finn. "What does it mean?"
"Uh..." Shit. Watched the movie with her loads of times, okay I usually tune out, but - Finn's mind scrambled to remember. "There's, um, a train, and people are telling her not to follow her dream, and then she sings that," he managed to get out. He swallowed, on firmer footing. "So it's basically her telling her friends that it's her risk to take."
His mom actually smiled at him a little. "That's not bad."
"Yes, that's more accurate than I thought you'd get," Kurt commented. "But what's the risk, Finn?"
Finn just shrugged, unable to say. Usually he looked at Rachel, she got that cute wrinkle in her nose and shine in her eyes at that point of the movie. "I don't remember," he admitted.
"Fanny wants to leave the show to be with the man she loves, and her friends with the show tell her not to. But she wants to have a life, not just a career, so she sings that song to explain that." Kurt raised his eyebrows. "And yes, Rachel's been singing it since she was very young, and that's all part of her dream too. She doesn't just want to sing it, she wants to live it, to take that risk and have it all. 'One roll for the whole shebang.' And being with you helped her understand that song more than ever."
Oh... fuck. "But, uh, doesn't it end really badly?"
"The guy she loves is a shyster. Hope you're not."
Finn grimaced. "I'm still not good enough for her," he protested. "And, you know, 'if you love something set it free'..." his voice trailed off, shaking. Had he got this completely wrong?
"'If it comes back, it's yours," Burt completed for him. "Doesn't say anything about if you push it away. It's not like she chose to leave." He cleared his throat. "You want to be with her, but you feel you don't deserve it? Then work for it. Because you never know what's going to happen in the future, and sometimes things just suck, it's not 'fate'. Kurt's mom dying of cancer, was that fate? And what happened to your dad? We have a second chance as a family together, but we've worked for that, and we know better than anyone that anything can happen to the ones you love." He shrugged. "Girl could step off a curb in New York City tomorrow and turn into just another statistic."
Finn was aghast. "What the hell did you say that for?"
"'Cause it's true. There are no guarantees that anyone has any kind of a future. You want to leave things up to fate, Finn? Then don't be surprised if fate decides to screw you over, 'cause it's had lots of practice doing that to just about everybody else. 'The Lord helps those who help themselves,' son. If you want her, work for her. It's harder than running away but it's a hell of a lot more worth it."
Finn just sat there, reeling. He'd had it all worked out, how this was the best way. Too bad I forgot how dumb I can be sometimes. Though I'm sure this means I was right not to marry her, she deserves better.
"Well I'm headed to New York soon," Kurt declared. "Just for a few days, not permanently, but someone has to make sure Rachel doesn't drown in her own tears. Her dads can't help much, she says she won't forgive them if anything happens to you because of their interference." He stood, but looked down at Finn one last time. "We did promise we'd go, you know," he said. "Whether we got in or not. I'm not proud that I backed out, but it has a lot to do with not wanting to leave Blaine. What's your excuse?"
"I'm not good enough."
"You picked quite the time to decide that, after you convinced her to agree to marry you," Kurt stated. "Shelby pulled the same thing on her, you know, pushed in and then changed her mind once Rachel opened her heart. But you're right, you're not good enough. Not because you're not talented enough, or smart enough, but because you're not willing to do what it takes to really love her. And that means be there, not be dead." Kurt turned and left without waiting for any response from Finn.
Finn looked from his mom to Burt and back again, stricken. "I really didn't mean it to be like this," he protested.
Burt frowned. "Look, I can't say I'm not relieved that you decided not to get married," he said. "That was idiotic in the first place. But why do you make it all or nothing? The two of you always talked about how honest your relationship was, why couldn't you have just talked this down instead?"
"She'd've talked me out of it," Finn mumbled, lowering his head to stare at the floor. "I know she would have."
"Out of joining the army?" Burt shrugged. "Maybe so. But you can't sit there and tell us that you're really choosing the army because that's the future you want to have. She should have talked you out of it."
"It doesn't matter now, I signed up, I made a commitment," Finn stated, his voice flat.
"Oh, now you start living up to your commitments," Carole said pointedly. "You picked a hell of a time to start doing that again."
"It's not a final commitment, Finn," Burt stated. "You don't do that until just before you ship out to Basic, and whatever you sign then, that's the way it is. I'll go with you for that, at least, whether you decide to do it or not you need to have someone look it over, some recruiters are shysters and half their promises don't make it into writing." He frowned again. "And if the recruiter doesn't see that you're not in a fit state of mind to be making a commitment like that - hell, you've changed your mind about what you wanted to do at least four times over the last six months - then you'd better believe this is going to be looked into."
Finn stared at Burt. "You can't stop me."
"No, I can't. But there's already concerns around Washington that recruiters are under too much pressure to find bodies for the army. They shouldn't be taking screwed-up kids who are making spur-of-the-moment decisions to run away and give up because it seems easier than dealing with potential failure, and that's what this looks like to me. One way or another, I'm gonna follow this up." He got up to leave, as did Carole. "You think about all of this. Preferably with your head out of your ass this time."
Finn went to his room and stared at the wall. Then looked at the pictures by his desk, of Glee, of him with Rachel at prom. He saw how happy they'd been then, and he remembered what he'd told her, how she inspired him. But she'd been working towards New York for her whole life, he couldn't stand in the way, he'd made a mistake when he'd convinced her to compromise for him and he'd had to fix it.
But he also supposed he hadn't been inspired by her enough to work for what he wanted the way that she did, or even close to it. Maybe because he wasn't sure what he really wanted. Except he wanted Rachel to be happy, and she wasn't, he'd made her love him too much. Would she get over it, once she started at NYADA and found herself surrounded by all of the great people there? He'd hoped so, there would be guys so much better than him. But the reminder of her favorite movie and song, and what it meant, also reminded him that she'd loved them since she was a child. Rachel didn't let go easily, if at all. And he'd claimed he didn't give up easy... well he sure hadn't lived up to that.
Finn was lying on his bed, mentally kicking himself for how much he'd screwed everything up (again) when he heard three loud knocks on the door.
"Go away," he yelled out and turned away from the door. More knocks, louder. "I don't need another intervention."
More knocks came, the door rattling from the force.
"So what are you, the, uh, 'Ghost of Finn's Life Yet to Come?'" Finn asked sarcastically. The door received another hammering blow. Then he heard a voice, female, angry.
"You'd better believe it, Frankenteen. And you'd better let me in and listen, or I will go all Lima Heights on your tubby ass, count on it. Especially since that's apparently where you keep your brains."
Finn rolled his eyes, but he wiped his face, opened the door and let Santana in. "Okay, I don't get this one," he stated. "What can you say about my life in the future?"
Santana sauntered into his room, going over to his desk. She turned the desk chair around to face Finn's bed, and ceremonially sat down in it. "Sit," she said, gesturing at the bed. He frowned but obeyed. She gave him a smug smile. "You're in luck," she said loftily. "Because I am the nice version of the Ghost of Future."
"Really?" Finn raised his eyebrow skeptically. "Aren't you supposed to tell me about how I'm going to die alone and unloved?"
"Not unloved, Finn. Never unloved. The people you've helped, including me - we'll always love you for it. And if you go and join the army, and get your sorry self blown to smithereens in some corner of the world that will probably have oil, that casualty report is going to go up on Rachel's wall for the rest of her life. She'll carry it from lonely dressing room to lonely dressing room as all she has left of the one great love of her life. But hey, at least you won't have to see it. Or maybe you will, I'm not too clear on how the afterlife might work."
"I'll be fine in the army," Finn frowned. But tears were starting to come to his eyes at Santana's description, of Rachel mourning him and never getting over him, of her being the one to be lonely and unloved. He knew she'd been so lonely before they'd met. Still, the army option was all he had, all he thought he could do, and the only way he could see of stopping Rachel from delaying her future until he got his act together.
"Bet your dad thought that too."
"That's low." Finn glared.
"You dumped Rachel on your wedding day after stringing her along and making other plans behind her back. You don't get to talk about low." She leaned forward and smiled at him, her best I'm-up-to-something smirk. "But that is not what I'm here to talk about. This Ghost of Future wants to talk about a different future, one that doesn't suck. Which means I have to talk about mine."
"You've got that cheerleading scholarship," Finn said, not understanding the direction Santana was taking. Or anything about the whole thing and what she was doing there, if he was honest.
"It's nice to have options. But when it came down to it, I found I didn't want that one. I'm too independent to continue cheerleading and I'm not interested in some crappy degree. I want to perform, just like you do. And I'm a featured lead of the national champion show choir, just like you are. Only difference, aside from the fact that I am the ever-fabulous me, is that I have the guts to do something about it." She tilted her head. "Well, and some money. Turns out my parents spent my entire life putting bits and pieces aside to pay for me to go to college, and it all added up. But I don't have to go to college with it, it's mine for my future. So I'm moving to New York. Know anyone there I could look up?"
Finn looked at the floor. "So my future will suck and yours won't. Real nice approach, Santana. Is that what you want to do, rub it in my face how much I've screwed my life up?" He hung his head, his voice choked up.
"What I want, Finn? What I want is a roommate."
It took a while for Santana's words to penetrate Finn's haze of misery. Then his head shot up to look at her. "What?"
"Look, do you want to make something of yourself in New York or not? Because that was all you could talk about for the last six weeks, ever since we got our disco on and you had your great vision of your future. It sounded like such a great plan that I decided I wanted to do it myself, I don't know why you're throwing it out. And you were going to have to pay for it anyway, whether you got into that program you liked or not, so what's stopping you? I'm sure the army isn't disbanding any time soon, it can wait while you try something else." She looked at him, pursing her lips. "You want to prove that you're good enough for Berry? Do it. Because as I see it, if the guy that really loves her takes himself out of the running with 'I'm not good enough', all she's going to be left with are the ones that either think they are by overvaluing themselves and undervaluing her, or just don't give a damn. Assholes like St. Jerkoff, and you know they love to take advantage of the vulnerable ones. And holy hell is she vulnerable, the sharks are probably circling already, just waiting for her to walk out on her own."
Finn realized he hadn't thought about that either - Rachel on her own in New York. They'd take care of her in the dorms, he supposed, and she loved New York. But he'd thought about there being better guys for her there, not predatory ones like St. Jackass, who'd swooped in the first time he'd pushed her away. He sighed. Everything he could do at this point seemed to suck beyond all measure.
Santana stood. "So I am leaving you with three options. One, talk to her and straighten this mess out yourself. Two, come with me to New York and work on a life you actually want, even that whole 'deserving' BS, though I have to warn you, get all overcome by teeth-aching nobility again and you're out on the street. Or Three, let me go to New York by myself, at which point I will look your girl up, get her drunk, and hook her up with some hot piece of manflesh who will have her moaning so hard and fast that she'll forget everything about you except her guilt. Pick one. Or more, options one and two would go fine together and I reserve the right to switch to option three at any time." She stopped at the door to give him a final pointed look. "Don't take too long, I have plans to make."
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