Thank You
My tea's gone cold,
I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain
Clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could
It'd all be grey
I can hear the clock, it's Three AM. My apartment is cold, that's the only conclusion I can come to in this hazy, alcohol induced state. I don't think it had ever been warm, it never needed to be. It was merely another haven to hide me from the world, another scene in which to drink alcohol.
I dully notice my shoes are still on, my mother would kill me. I don't give a damn though, I haven't for a long time. When did I stop giving damns? I can't remember, I don't remember much. I guess what they say about alcohol killing brain cells is right. I blew it somewhere along the line, I can't remember where though. Now my life is meaningless, a "hideous montage of humiliation and shame."
I stare at the ceiling, there isn't much else to look at and whatever I see will probably make me sick. My life makes me sick. I can hear rain and that, too, makes me sick. Maybe it's the alcohol; I don't want to think about that anymore. I don't want to have to think at all.
Slowly I sit up; I know all too well what happens when you sit up too fast with a belly full of sake: cleaning. My apartment makes me sick. I don't remember the last time I sat here, drunkenly musing over how disgusting I have become. It seems like a long time ago. I don't want to strain my brain remembering, it already hurts too much.
Carefully I move my feet under me and stand up. None too gracefully I stumble into the living room. There's a dirty, grimy window that is full of steam at the moment. I know what I could see from there anyway, black rain. Groggily I let my eyes wander over the unfamiliar room. Only the window seems vaguely familiar everything else is a blur, or moving.
My eyes land on a photo that hangs crooked on the wall. It's a group of children. I didn't have children did I? It strikes me as strange; they're all standing next to or holding digimon. At once rueful smile comes to my lips. Of course I don't have children, that's me and my childhood friends.
"You idiot Kenta," I whisper to myself as I take the picture from the wall and try my best to focus on it.
After longer than necessary trying to focus on the photo I take out my glasses and slip them over my eyes. It takes a while for the memories to sink in, or to be unearthed in my brain, of course I couldn't forget these people. Could I?
All at once, like a dam had broken open in my brain the memories come crashing down on me. Smiles and laughter, water and digimon; when was the last time I smiled? The memories make my head spin; make my legs useless beneath me. I stumble and fall, the ground is cold and hard but I don't feel pain. Or do I? It's there, I know, but not from the fall.
I grope through the half light for the photo; I can't loose it now it may be the only good and pure thing left. Once it's back in my grasp I cling onto it with all the force of a madman. It's a lifeline, a distraction from the wreck my life has become. I needed something solid to hold onto, something to cling to before total madness consumed me.
The glass is now broken but I can still see the picture, that's all I need; A brief memory of times once past, the past. One of them had told me once that it's foolish to dream, to live in the past. I don't remember which one it was, it's not really that important. They obviously must have been crazy, if I wasn't supposed to dream or live in the past I'd probably be a lot further gone than this. I would have jumped a long time ago. As far as I can remember these memories are all that are keeping me sane.
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me
That it's not so bad,
It's not so bad
I spend the rest of darkness hours staring at that photo. The memories hurt; every moment brings scenes of childhood mirth and innocence. My head hurts from alcohol; every moment brings fresh waves of pulsating pain. Who could have guessed there was fool enough to put himself through this pain every night. Of course I never really remember my childhood; it's much too painful, even for me. It reminds me just how hideous a mess I have become.
I hear the clock, its now Six AM. The sound brings me out of a deep trance, or was it sleep? Carefully I set the photo down beside me and climb to my feet. The small action sends blood rushing to my brain and my sight is momentarily impaired. I try to stay still until the initial pain wears off but automatically my legs lurch into motion.
I don't want to know where they're taking me, I feel so detached I might as well be watching myself or reading each of my movements in a book. I keep my eyes closed and hold my hand out in front of my body to prevent injury. Like I'm possessed I snap my eyes open and start to strip off my clothes. I vaguely notice I'm getting a beer gut, it isn't very attractive.
With a flick of my wrist the shower taps are on and I'm standing under a stream of icy cold water. Everything seems to be so cold right now, it must be winter. After a while (I'm reluctant to check my watch, it isn't waterproof) the hot water kicks in. I wonder if I can drown myself in the shower, it'd be original that's for sure.
Another memory hits me involuntarily. The photo isn't anywhere in sight, I don't know what triggered it. Kazu and I singing in the bath. I lean up against the wall of the shower, it too, is cold. A small smile tugs at the corners of my mouth and a lump knots in my throat. I'm overcome by emotion over something as stupid as singing in the bath.
Gingerly I shake my head and turn the shower taps off. Maybe that photo wasn't such a good idea, why is it here of all places anyway? I shake the water out of my hair, towel myself down and replace my clothes. This morning feels different, my headache isn't as bad and my clothes are clean. I slip my glasses over my eyes; take one last swig of sake from the almost finished bottle on the counter, glance at the pile of bills that need paying, and leave. What are the chances today will be different?
I drank too much last night,
Got bills to pay,
My head just feels in pain
I don't remember how long I spent in the shower or putting my clothes on. All I know is it was longer than anticipated. I found myself half heartedly chasing the bus down the street. The driver was an ass, he didn't see me, or refused to. This must be why I don't tent to my personal needs, either way I'm going to get fired.
I wasn't going to hitch hike to work, if the bus driver didn't see me than I can safely guess there won't be a motorist that will. So I made my way across the street to the twenty four hour liquor store to wait. I admit that wasn't the best idea I'd had all day. Okay it was definitely the worst because once the bus arrived I had wasted most of what was left of my diminishing money supply on getting good and drunk.
It was Eight AM by then.
The bus took an hour.
Work started at Eight AM
I guess I had sealed my fate by walking in the door that day. I should have retired home after getting drunk; my mind doesn't always work right after being bombarded by alcohol though. I didn't need a mirror too see the dark rings around my eyes I could see them perfectly well in the reflection on the coffee machine. The woman who answered the phone shook her head at me as I passed. I spat on her desk.
I don't remember much of what happened, I get like this when I'm drunk. It didn't take long, however, for one of my colleagues to acquire a black eye and security called to restrain me. I didn't need to see the boss to know I was fired; he didn't need to see me to tell me. They threw me out without that weeks pay check. It didn't occur to me that it was a Monday, the day of the week seemed irrelevant.
I missed the bus
And there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there,
They'll all imply
That I might not last the day
All that was left of my money was spent on the bus ride home. There was a foreign girl singing in the seat behind me, I wanted to tell her to shut up but was afraid she wouldn't understand. Instead I tripped her when she walked past. Mine was the last stop and the bus driver glared at me as I exited. It was only natural to assume he had deliberately parked in a puddle. I walked home covered in water and mud. My life was becoming a soap opera.
I wasn't much surprised to find an eviction notice posted on my door. I had three hours to remove my stuff and find somewhere else to go. My three hours ended an hour ago. I sat myself against my door and let my head rest on my knees. The alcohol was wearing off and my head was beginning to regain feeling. Someone's cell phone began to ring, each time it bore deeper into my skull. It felt like someone was drilling a hole – several holes – into my brain.
"For the love of god answer the phone." I murmured lifting my head from my knees.
I noticed a dull flashing from my breast pocket, it was my cell phone. Since when did I have a cell phone? I did the obvious thing and answered my phone. At that moment the landlady came strolling down the hall.
"Hello?" I croaked into the phone, my voice wasn't working very well, maybe I had a cold.
"Kenta?" The voice on the other side asked hopefully
"Yes?" I answered glancing up disinterestedly at the landlady who tapped her foot menacingly.
"Oh my god, how are you?" The voice asked
"Who is this?"
"It's Kazu."
I was stunned into a stupor. Was this… Could this be the Kazu from the memories? Could this be the Kazu from the bath? The landlady's foot tapping became more urgent.
"Kenta?" Kazu asked from the other side
"Y-Yes?" I replied
"How are you?"
"I'm okay… how are you?" I could hardly think of what to say, the landlady was becoming irritated.
"What are you doing? Wow I haven't talked to you for… forever, let's get together. I can't believe this worked."
I silently listened with intent ears to the sound of Kazu's breathing. Or was it the landlady? She seemed to be fuming right now. What was I supposed to say at a time like this? I idly wondered whether this whole thing was alcohol induced. A lot of the things I did were.
"Kenta?"
"Yes?"
"Let's get together."
"Okay."
"Where do you want to meet?"
"I don't know."
"How about… do you know that bar that serves those drinks in coconuts?"
"No."
"Oh… well… I'll meet you at the Seven Eleven near the school and I'll take you there okay."
"Okay."
"Well I'll see you then, bye."
And then you call me
And it's not so bad,
It's not so bad
And he was gone. I replaced the phone in my breast pocket and lifted myself to my feet. I turned to the fuming landlady; her face was redder than I remembered.
"Can I get into my apartment?"
I must have said something stupid because the landlady exploded in a fit of screaming and cursing. I didn't catch any of what she said; my head was in too much pain to register anything except the fact that she was yelling. Once she had finished I asked once again if I could get into my apartment and she silently agreed.
There was only one thing of use I could possibly find in there and for once it wasn't alcohol. I picked up the broken photo of my childhood and left. I didn't have any emotional attachment to that apartment. I barely remembered what it looked like and I was in there only a second ago.
"That's it? What about the rest of your stuff?" The landlady asked glancing into the room.
"Burn it, or do whatever you want with it. I don't care."
The landlady shook her head as I left. I could feel her pity, but again it didn't register. The whole time I had lived here I could never remember her name. It suddenly made me feel very guilty. I turned back, looked into her eyes for a moment, waved then left.
I was lucky; the Seven Eleven near the school was only a few blocks from my apartment. I could walk there without too much trouble. I had never realised how filthy the suburb I lived in was until now. I pitied the children that went to the school here. It was cold and foggy and the street lamps cast a ghoulish glow over everything. It was going to rain soon, I could smell it.
I arrived at the Seven Eleven at the same time as Kazu did. Except he was in a car, it was a nice car as well. Clean. That was more that I could say about anything in my life. I'm not sure how I knew it was the Kazu from my alcohol induced memories, I was just sure. I noticed as he stepped into the light he had nice hair as well.
"Kenta is that you?" He asked walking slowly up to me, pity in his great blue eyes.
"Wow," I muttered, "You're real."
"What do you mean by that?" He asked stepping back a few paces and scrutinizing me under the luminescent all night store lights.
I stared into his pity filled blue eyes, the memories were worse than before. Worse than the picture. I could see myself, and him, and other children. We were so innocent, so cute, what road did I take to end up like this? I was almost sober, I could tell, my headache was almost gone. I hadn't felt quite like this for some time.
"Kenta what happened to you? You look terrible."
"Thanks," I croaked.
That literally was the best comment I had had in a while. Usually it was something along the lines of 'you look like crap,' or 'get a haircut.' Maybe today was going to be different. It sure had proven to be a handful, what's to say it couldn't be an epoch in this endless sequence of drunken hours.
"Come on, I'm taking you home. You're a wreck." Kazu muttered ushering me into the car.
"What happened to the bar?" I asked as we pulled away from the Seven Eleven.
"Oh I think you've had quite enough already." Kazu answered refusing to meet my eyes.
We drove in silence for maybe ten minuets until we reached a part of town I didn't know existed. Then again I only knew three places. The liquor store, work and home, I didn't really need to know much else. There were trees here; they were nice, and green. I feel like a child gawking out the window at the trees and Kazu seemed to think it's vaguely funny.
"Kenta man what happened to you?" He mumbled shaking his head slightly.
I could see tears form at the base of his eyes. Was he crying for me? A feeling a lot like guilt, but stronger washed over me. I sat back from the window and tried to preserve whatever dignity I still attained. What had happened to me? The lack of alcohol in my blood gave way to so many new memories. I was overcome with visions of my past, where had I gone wrong?
The time seemed to pass so quickly when I was lost in these memories. Before I knew it we were pulling into the driveway of a house. Not apartments, but a house. It had started raining some time during the ride here. I could barely see anything beyond the black grey of the rain, but what I could see cut me deeper than any piteous glance or tears. It was the life I had wanted.
I couldn't take my eyes off the small quaint house; it brought emotions out of me I hadn't felt since before I can remember. I wanted to cry, I wanted to break down in a sobbing heap and cry until there was no more water left in my body. Unfortunately before I had the chance Kazu got out of the car and opened my door for me.
"Come on." He ushered me inside, it was so warm, so comforting. The urge to cry overcame me once again but I couldn't seem to find my tears.
Without speaking or looking at me Kazu managed to offer me a seat and bring out a glass of water. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity but was actually only two minuets. Yes I was keeping time. I watched Kazu the whole time, each second bringing more memories, more visions. I wanted to cry but Kazu did the honours for me.
Silently tears crept down his cheeks, trailing sliver over his blotched red skin. I wanted to reach out to him, wanted to say something, do something, anything. Until I realised that any emotions I had once felt had been paralysed by so much sorrow and failure I could have sworn I was about to cry too. I didn't remember how though, the ability to pity anyone apart from myself had left me quite some time ago.
"Kenta, what happened to you?" Kazu asked again glancing up into my eyes.
His eyes were hypnotic and at the moment so incredibly useful. I remembered when we were young he could hold me for eternity in those eyes. Just with a glance I would be his, forever. Now, however, as he looked at me, his eyes looked so big, he looked so vulnerable. The unshed tears glistened in his eyes making them look so much like the sea I could swear I could hear the waves lapping against the sand.
He knew I loved his eyes, he knew he had power over me just by giving me that puppy dog look. He didn't seem to realise now, however, he had me under his spell.
He sniffed once then lowered his eyes again. My heart was beating so fast in my chest it was painful. My stomach was folding and unfolding in my abdomen, it didn't feel very good. I remember now why I paralysed my emotions; it's painful, so very painful to feel. His eyes have such a power over me they can unearth emotions I thought I had locked away for good.
"Tell me." He ordered once again looking straight into my eyes.
For a moment I couldn't speak, my whole body was immobile, I felt like throwing up. But his words had more of an effect on me than even I expected.
"What's there to say?" I asked, "I screwed up."
"Oh Kenta," He groaned covering his face with his hands and silently weeping into them.
Again I was overcome with emotions; I was on the verge of tears now. I could feel them stinging at the corners of my eyes. All at once my horrible pitiful story came tumbling from my mouth.
"I don't know where I screwed up Kazu, I can't remember. All I wanted was a house, a family, somewhere to call home. Kazu, that's all I ever wanted. I came here; I knew I could get money here, so I came. I don't know where I stuffed up Kazu, I started drinking. I was shuffled form one job to the next, and I started drinking. Everything else just went downhill from there Kazu; I don't even remember what life was like before this. Nothing matters anymore Kazu; I'm a wreck, homeless, jobless… I want to go home."
I shut my eyes tight and tried to squeeze the tears out of my eyes but as soon as I had finished so had the tears. So I watched Kazu as he stared at me in silent awe. Softly and slowly he started shaking his head. The denial was so evident in his eyes, his great sea eyes. I wanted to hug him.
"But…" He stuttered still shaking his head as tears ran unchecked down his cheeks and dripped of his chin, "Kenta… you were so smart. How could you let this happen?"
"I don't know Kazu, life's a bitch then you die. Black hell."
Those words seem to cut him deeper than anything I had said before. He stood up, without a sound walked over to where I was and knelt down in front of me. I didn't really know what to expect, I hadn't interacted with people for a long time and I had never really been good with them in the first place. You can imagine my surprise when Kazu leant over and hugged me around the waist and began sobbing into my lap.
Carefully I patted his head and let him cry his little heart out into my pants. If I couldn't cry I might as well let him do it for me, no matter how hard he tried to deny it I always knew he was emotional. Only I remember being severely embarrassed when he cried in front of me, now it seemed natural. Today had certainly been different.
And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life
After hours of memories and Kazu crying into my lap he slightly lifted his head up and whispered:
"You are going stay aren't you?"
"What?" I asked standing up so suddenly it nearly knocked Kazu over. I didn't realise him, however, I was so surprised by the question I didn't notice the coffee table as I ran into it either.
"Ow, goddamnit! What the hell are you talking about Kazu? I can't stay here."
"Why not?" He asked picking himself up off the floor and brushing imaginary dirt off the knees of his pants.
"Why not? Kazu look at me! I'm a drunk, a disgusting low life homeless drunk. Why would you want me to stay here?"
My head started to ache again at the effort of yelling. I was getting a hangover, and it was painful. I guess the alcohol hadn't left me just yet. I had experienced a hangover for one night of drunkenness and it was more pain than I could handle. What would be the magnitude of a hangover after god knows how long I've been drunk. I leant up against the frame of the door that led into the living room. I was so close to throwing up I could taste it.
"Kenta, please, I can help. I don't want to see you like this," His tears were starting again and he seemed to have remembered he had a power over me, "Please, Kenta, just for a little while. Stay here."
My head was in so much pain I was actually considering staying but despite how painful this headache was I couldn't forget just who this was. Kazu, the Kazu from the bath. I couldn't ruin his life with my presence; he was too innocent, too lovely. If I could ruin my life so much just by being me how bad could I screw his up? Call me lazy, I didn't want that burden on my shoulders.
"Kazu think for a moment here, you don't want me in your house, I'll ruin you."
"How will you do that Kenta? You're my best friend I don't ever want to see you like this again. Kenta let me help, please."
Hid words made me feel… I don't even know how they made me feel all I know is that I had to get out of there before I agreed. I sighed, looked once more into his eyes turned and left. Again I wanted to cry, I was walking away from the only thing in my life that wasn't alcohol and had some shred of meaning. I really was a lost cause.
"No, Kenta, please," He pleaded once again as I reached the door and I almost turned back. His words, his eyes, his pleas, his tears, they all floated on the edge of my mind. I wanted to turn back, but they all reminded me just what I'd be ruining. So I left, I didn't know when I'd see him again, I'm not sure I wanted to. Today had definitely been different, possibly the best day of my life. Possibly.
The rain was cold, as I had expected. I didn't know where I was going as I left his front yard and every step I took was harder and harder. I wanted to go back, wanted to turn back. There was no where else I could go. I could wander aimlessly through the rain until I caught my death. That was one option.
I turned back; I didn't walk, just turned. His house looked warm, looked bright, I could see it through the rain. Again his face, his tears, his eyes floated past my vision. I couldn't go back, there was no way. It just wasn't an option. What innocence I would be tainting with my infectious presence. I was a disease, a burden. My parents had told me that often enough it must have been true.
Still I couldn't walk forward. Knowing what black rain lay ahead and what warm comfort lay behind I couldn't go. I did the only thing that seemed doable. I sat down in the middle of the street and let the rain wash over me. I wasn't moving forward and I wasn't turning back. I just sat.
I could see his silhouette in the window. Or maybe it was my imagination? How could I see it through the rain and black night? It must have been my imagination. But it still triggered those alien emotions I had blocked out so well. I began to cry. Finally after waiting so long I began to cry. It felt so good, just to let go and cry my past out onto the pavement.
I must have been crying for a while because by the time I had stopped every inch of my body was soaked five times through. Then again the rain was falling pretty hard. I wiped my face with the back of my wet hand -not that it did much -and climbed to my feet. As I made my way back across the soaking front lawn of Kazu's house I couldn't help but feel like one hell of a coward. I was walking back. It was then I remembered I lived in the past, no matter how many times that person's voice echoed in my mind. It had never bothered me before and it shouldn't now.
Push the door
I'm home at last
And I'm soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel
And all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me
And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life
"Do you want something to drink?"
"No thanks, I'm okay,"
"I'm glad you came back."
"Me too… nice place"
"Thanks"
"When did you move in?"
"Not long ago."
"Oh…"
"Kenta…"
"Kazu… thank you."