"You're allowed to lose a little control."
I hear Lauren's words, and damn it, they work their way inside me and make me realize something – I've been craving the loss of control for a long time now. I've been craving it more than I could even imagine, could even describe. And when her words echo in my ears, I'm reminded of just how forbidden this all is. I'm reminded of just how good this all feels, even if it is forbidden. Hell, maybe it feels so good because of that very reason.
Something inside me has finally snapped, and instead of thinking of Callie, my wonderful wife who is somewhere inside this hospital… I think instead of the stunning blonde standing right behind me.
There is a pull between us, there's no denying that. When I first saw her in the coffee shop, I recognized her beauty, but it wasn't until she kept her eye on me for a little longer than necessary, that I acknowledged the attraction I had for her. When she uttered those words, "See you around, I hope…" Well, shit. My stomach flip-flopped like it hadn't done since I first met Callie.
From that initial moment of meeting Lauren's eyes in the coffee shop, to this exact moment, standing only a foot in front of her, I knew I had walked into a very dangerous, very appealing situation. Only now, after hours of working next to Lauren, connecting with her in both friendly and more than friendly ways… can I admit to myself just how badly I want to throw away my control over life, and lose myself in her.
I lock the door and turn back to face one of the most exquisite women I've ever met. And it's me she wants, I can see it in her eyes. She's calm and casual, yes. She's even pretty relaxed, a lot more relaxed than I am right now, but…. In a mere two days, I think I've come to understand Dr Boswell more than I thought possible. Could two people really come to understand each other so perfectly in such a short amount of time? I didn't think so, but now I do. Because although Lauren is looking at me with a calm desire, I can also pick up on the slight tenseness in her shoulders… the way she blinks her eyes as if to force herself to stand still, to wait for me to make the next move. Whether or not I thought it was possible to learn this much about a person in only two days, the truth of the matter is standing right in front of me. I know what she wants. It's exactly what I want – and I want it now more than ever.
I can only focus my eyes on Lauren's face for a brief second before I let my sights finally drop to a part of her body that I have barely been able to give appropriate attention to until now: her lips.
God.
Nope, there's no denying how much I want this woman. The only thoughts in my head involve wondering how soft those lips are… how moist those lips are… what lies behind them, what sounds I can force to pass them… what do those lips taste like… and hell, if I can lose myself in simple thoughts of Lauren's lips… is the world around me even able to exist if I go farther than that, farther than just answering those questions? If I capture Lauren, and pull her to me, and find out every single thing I can about that gorgeous face of hers… I can't even fathom how much of the world will fade away if I get to explore every inch of her body.
My lips meet hers, and I push every curve of my body into every curve of hers. If all I had before were thoughts of these sensuous lips, and all I have now is the reality of them… I will never be able to walk away from this reality. Shit, I'll never want to.
In the very instant that my lips hit Lauren's lips, I feel her body crush into me in a way that causes my skin to tingle and my legs to shake. I knew she wanted me, but she must have been truly restraining herself before for me to not see then just how strong her desire was, how strong her desire is. The lips that push against mine are everything I could have ever wondered about, fantasized about, and so much more. They are tender and yet strong. They are both submissive and dominant. In one second I am pushing myself so completely against her, and damn if I don't enjoy the feeling… the feeling of letting go, and letting this brilliant woman catch me.
Even with the noise of the thunder outside, the rain hammering down on the hospital, the rain pouring down all around the city… I am only focused on the sounds coming from the blonde haired, hazel-eyed woman whose scent, whose warmth, whose lips have captivated me in these last 48 hours. When I hear her half sigh, half moan against my mouth, I almost die from sheer bliss. I need to feel more of her. I never needed anything more.
I bring my hands up to Lauren's shoulders, in an attempt to discard her lab coat… only to find that she has the same idea. She feels my hands pushing the white material down, and she helps me by letting it fall down her slender back. She's so in the moment, that she doesn't care where it lands. I can feel her hands shoot up to my neck, and the heat from her talented surgical fingers sears into me. I throw her lab coat behind her. Hell, I don't care where it lands either. I want to shed her clothes off, bare her skin, and search her every crevice.
I can feel the passion in the kiss we share, and I can feel the small smile forming on Lauren's lips. It's that personality that brings me here, that brings me to this particular woman. For months, life has been a struggle, a challenge to accept and come to terms with. And after finally coming back to the routine of day-to-day activities, my moments have been filled with a type of… contentment. In feeling so monotonous, I've forgotten what it's like to not just be content. I've forgotten what it feels like to be exhilarated. The fact that Lauren has been able to sweep into my life and awaken my senses, cause adrenaline to surge through my veins, and excite me to my very core… it's something I can't dismiss.
A warmth begins to spread from my stomach outward. It's a heat I haven't felt in a while. Lauren's hands caress my neck, her fingers tangle in my hair. I pull her hard into me and allow me tongue to graze her oh so supple lips. She opens her mouth and invites me in.
When our tongues hit, it's like the ever-present lightning flashing through the on-call room windows. It's a sharp feeling, intense and powerful. Everything about Lauren's very being hits me, and I know she feels the same on the other end. We are two very similar people, caught in a moment of heightened passion and no inhibitions. The texture of her hot, slick tongue against mine, with her hands pulling me close, and my hands journeying down her back…. I know that yes, I can definitely lose myself in this woman. I can lose myself in her for hours.
I'm momentarily caught up in all the wonderings floating around in my mind… I want to know so much about Dr Lauren Boswell, and I want to know them well. Does she feel as good underneath all these scrubs, as she does right now, flush up against me? Does she feel even more intoxicating, with her skin exposed for me to explore? When the clothes are shed, is she confident in her body, as confident as she is when she stares me down and openly sends her flirtations my way? But like I said, I know this woman so well already, and something tells me that hell yes – this striking blonde woman is everything my thoughts tell me she is, and then some. She is self-assured and certain in her actions, and she thinks about things ahead of time. She bounces back from rejection and stands even taller when something, or someone, rebuffs her. But then of course, who in their right mind could ever do such a thing?
The honest part is – Lauren is a control freak, and so am I. Knowing this, another absolutely lovely thought crosses my mind: how far do I have to push Lauren, to make her lose that precious control? Because I want to her hear moan, and gasp, and cry out. I want her to relish the feeling of our bodies in sync with one another, arousal filling the air, and our thoughts consumed in nothing but the other's satisfaction.
My hands reach the bottom of her scrub top, and I rake my fingernails up her skin. Her reaction is strong as she pulls away from our kiss, and quickly takes in a breath of air. Her eyes meet mine, and her smirk causes the tingles throughout my body to increase tenfold. God, those eyes, that smile –
"I want you, I want you so bad," Lauren's husky voice whispers to me. My stomach twirls, my eyelids flutter… and I suddenly come to a devastating realization.
As Lauren quickly leans in for another passionate kiss, her hands already taking cue from mine and working their way under my scrub top… I lean slightly away from her, and hold my breath. She looks at me, raises her eyebrow, and silently questions my dodge.
"How bad exactly?" I ask her, quietly. "How bad do you want me?"
She smiles at me, her eyes practically twinkling, and her cheerful, certain personality shining through yet again.
"I want you so bad my palms are sweaty and my breath is erratic, and I'd probably be committed if someone in psych knew how very little I care about everything else going on right now… " She pauses and lets her hand slide into mine, our fingers intertwining. "Except you. Right now, I could give a shit about anyone else in this building, or the crazy storm outside… I just care about you."
I both love and hate the words she says, because I know that my devastating realization is something I can't ignore now. It's something I have to address, not just for Lauren and I, but for Callie as well.
I tighten my grip on Lauren's hand and wait a moment before I speak. It gives us a few seconds to calm our breathing, to rationalize our thoughts, and for me… the few seconds give me the strength I need to act. I graze my lips against Lauren's, and she senses that this kiss is meant to be slow, and emotional. When the kiss ends, I have to force myself not to return again, to find refuge in the perfection that is Lauren.
"I can't do this. I really, really… can't do this." I say the words quietly, but above a whisper. The expression on Lauren's face tells me everything I need to know – she is hurt, confused, and just a little irritated. Her pain and confusion speak first.
"Arizona…" She comes in close to me again. "I'm not going to make you do something that you'll regret later… but how can you deny this, how can you deny what we have?" She has a very good point. I look down, away from her mesmerizing eyes.
"I can't," I say. She brings her hand to my chin and gently lifts my head, wanting my eyes to meet hers.
"Stay here with me… I want you so bad, I can barely contain myself. I just want to know everything there is about you…" Lauren's warm fingers trace my cheekbone and trail down my neck. She comes in close to my ear and whispers so terribly soft.
"I want to show you how beautiful you are." I can't help it, tears gather in my eyes before I can stop them. I look away again though, and make sure that Lauren does not see them. This is not a moment where tears are helpful. I take in Lauren's words, and savor them. I bring her hand to my lips, and kiss her palm. I then kiss her fingertips, I kiss her wrist. I close my eyes and lightly drop her hand. I turn away from her and unlock the on-call room door.
"Please, give me some space. I can't be near you right now," I say, even though the words feel heavy on my tongue.
"Arizona, please don't walk away from us, from what we can be." Lauren softly puts her hand on my shoulder, but I can hear the minor frustration in her voice. I never meant to lead her on, but I did nonetheless. I pull the door handle down. My response to her is very straightforward.
"Right now, I have no choice."
I fully open the door and make myself step forward. Lauren says my name once more, but I know that I can't look at her. She unnerves me in such a wonderful way, and in this time and place, I simply can't allow that to happen. I ignore her calling out to me, and I quicken my pace in the opposite direction. The lights in the halls are flickering, and I hear the thundering outside raging louder than ever. Away from Lauren, away from the heat and the need to be connected to her… I can finally take in the world around me again. I need to check my patients, and I need to regain control immediately. I cannot have my pediatric floor turning to chaos.
I turn a corner, and spot Alex down the hall, talking to Tim, the father of one of my patients. I look down at my scrubs and tidy myself. I realize my hair is still tousled, so I throw it up as I quickly make my way to where Alex is standing. Tim sounds unhappy, and scared. I don't blame him in the least, but it's my pediatric floor, and I'm in charge of keeping everyone calm.
"It's perfectly safe here Tim," I say, as I walk into the main patient area. Alex, Tim, and Dr Wilson all look my way.
"The pit says we have to suspend evacuations due to the weather," I hear Dr Edwards say behind me. Alex looks baffled.
"But we were just down there," he says.
"The last rig to leave didn't even make it out of the parking lot." Right as the words leave Dr Edward's mouth, the lights flicker again, and I can tell an ominous feeling is setting in among my staff, and my patients' parents.
"Oh well okay, don't worry, don't worry." I realize I have to get control of the situation. "All of our staff is very well trained and your babies are in very good hands, okay?" The words seem to have the desired affect, and I focus on talking directly to Alex and the two interns.
"I only see two nurses. No one else made it in for their shift?" I ask. They shake their heads. "Oh, okay, alright. This is important. The makers of tiny humans get easily spooked. It is our job tonight to keep the tiny human makers happy, or they will mutiny and we are outnumbered. We remain calm, we remain confident, because everything is just fine. Understood?" They don't have a chance to respond.
"You need some help?" I hear Lauren's voice from behind me and I'm shocked to find her there, without me hearing her approach. Alex responds to her before I can.
"Yes!" I happen to disagree with him, although my irrational response comes out awkward and forced.
"No!" I make myself catch Lauren's gaze, and her mood seems to have shifted since we were in the on call room. I can still see her pain at me turning away from her, but now her frustration seems front and center. "I, I thought that I told you-" She cuts me off.
"I'm not going to sit on my hands while there's a room full of babies that need help." Lauren looks away from me and focuses her attention on Alex. "What can I do?"
"You can crosscheck the med rec forms so we can get the correct dosages," Alex answers for her. I look between him and her, and I'm annoyed that Alex answered before me. I'm also annoyed that Lauren couldn't just give me a little bit of space, like I asked only moments before. But, she is a caring person, and a responsible doctor. It really shouldn't surprise me that she's here now, asking how she can help. In a way, it makes me even more distressed because it shows just how compassionate a person Lauren is. Alex can tell I'm less than happy with him, so he justifies his actions.
"We're outnumbered. Keep the tiny human makers happy right?" His logic seems simple, and I have to let the topic go.
I shake my head to avoid the feeling of the hazel eyes that could very well be watching me from the other side of the room. Yes, from the moment we met at the coffee shop, there was definitely a connection between Lauren and I – a connection that makes my skin erupt with goose bumps whenever she's near me, or whenever she looks at me. The goose bumps now showing themselves on my skin, up my arms, is all the evidence I need to know that even though we are quite a distance from one another… Lauren is still having an affect on me.
I purposely walk in the opposite direction of where Lauren is working, and although I really want to find out where Callie is, I decide I should probably spend some time checking on my patients. I pick up a chart and wander over to a premature newborn lying in an incubator, whose parents are fervently watching over her.
I spend the next thirty minutes talking to my patients' parents, checking on my staff, and avoiding the gaze I can feel coming from Lauren as she crosschecks the forms. Suddenly, the lights above us flicker longer than they have been in the past half hour, and instead of coming back on, they completely go dark. I can hear yelps and gasps throughout the area, and a few emergency lights pop on. I can't help it - I immediately search the room and make eye contact with the one person whose gaze I've been avoiding. Even in the dark, with hardly any brightness illuminating from the emergency lights…. I can spot her hazel eyes without a problem. I internally sigh. How I wish she wasn't so positively stunning.
"Dr Robbins!" Tim is nearby, and he rushes up to me. "You said it was perfectly safe here – and now there's no power! My kid is hooked up to an oxygen machine – how long is it going to run without power?!" He's frightened, and it obviously shows. I start hearing other parents rushing around, asking for help, asking for assurance that their children will be okay without power.
"Listen up! Everyone, look this way!" I yell to everyone in the room, and I catch Lauren's eyes staying in my direction. I'm nervous, for the first time in years, for the well being of my patients. But there is no way that I can show this nervousness in front of all these frazzled parents. I span the room, and although everyone probably thinks I'm looking at the crowd as a whole, I'm actually looking at the one person nearby who I think can give me the boost I need to push through this moment of fear. And damn it, Lauren knows exactly what I need, at exactly the right time. I can see her letting go of her frustration with me as she allows her lips to form a slight smile. With a nod of her head, she gives me her vote of confidence. It's all I need.
"Your children need you to stay calm, and we need you to stay calm. It seems the power has gone out, but we have emergency back up generators, and emergency batteries in every piece of machinery in this building. It takes hours for these batteries to run out, and I can personally guarantee you that either we'll get the power back on before those batteries run out, or the staff in this hospital will safely get you to another hospital with power. You all need to be patient and try to stay composed. We will get through this, we just need to work together. Staff members, I want you to round on all patients, and keep monitoring stats while the power outage is in place. If any patient stats start lowering, I want to be notified immediately." I see a few nods, and my small pep talk appears to have helped even the most upset parents.
I walk towards Alex, and he gives me an update on the patients he's been looking over. I realize I need to get in touch with other Attendings, or the chief, to find out what the next step is. I search my lab coat pocket and grab my cell phone. Looking down, I see four missed calls, all from Callie. Shit. I need to talk to her; I need to see if she's okay in the hospital without power. As I almost hit the button to call Callie, I notice a flash of blonde hair next to me. I already know who it is.
"Hey…" She pauses. "I know you asked me to give you some space… but I needed to offer some sort of help on the floor, you know?" Lauren says to me, and my heart aches at what happened between us, and how it abruptly ended.
"Yeah, I know. I just… I need to call Callie." I gesture to the phone in my hand. "I need to talk to her." Lauren's eyes lower, and I notice the pain in her expression, much like earlier.
"I get it." Before I can explain, before I can say more, Lauren turns and walks off. I sigh, dejectedly. What have I gotten myself into? Glancing back down at my phone, I hit the green call button. After only one ring, Callie answers.
"Arizona! Thank God you're okay. I called you a bunch of times. How's your floor, do you have power?" I can't help but feel dismayed at the sound of Callie's voice – so worried and concerned, and waiting for me to return her call.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, it's been pretty hectic up here. We lost power a few minutes ago. Where are you, do you have power?" I ask her.
"I'm in the ER. We don't have power either. A busload of kids are supposed to be coming in any minute now, trying to get out of the storm."
"Do you know how much of the hospital is out?"
"I haven't seen Owen, but I think it's the whole building. The worst of the storm is supposed to last a few hours, and we're already an hour into it. I can't believe how wrong the weather forecasters were!" Callie is flustered, I can tell, but she doesn't seem upset. "Thank God Sophia's not here, I'm so glad she's safe."
I smile at the thought of our little Sophia, out of harm's way. But then of course, the thought of Sophia only brings me to thoughts of my relationship with Callie, and then thoughts of Lauren… I'm stuck in a sticky place, and right now I really wish the power wasn't out so I could just sort out my thoughts and feelings.
"Yeah, I'm really glad too. Look, I know everything's kind of crazy right now, but as soon as you're free, can you head up here for a bit?" I have a not so pleasant nervous feeling in my stomach.
"Yeah of course. I'll be up as soon as things calm down here. If I find out anything more about the power outage, I'll let you know okay?" I see an entire set of emergency lights turn off only a few feet away from me. I have to get off the phone and see what's going on.
"Okay, no problem. I'll look for you up here a little later then," I say.
"Alright, love you babe. Bye." Callie ends the call and so do I. I hurry over to the area where the lights have faltered. Looking up, I see the emergency lights starting to flicker slowly from one end of the ceiling, to the other. I can already tell what's about to happen – we're going to lose all of our emergency lights, and soon.
"Excuse me everyone, I need your attention again please!" I raise my voice and the panic from the parents around me quiets momentarily. "I think we're about to lose the emergency lights on this floor." Immediately, the panic is back, and it's in full force. I don't know how to keep everyone calm, but I know I somehow have to.
"Arizona, I think we need to transfer everyone to a different area of the hospital. I just got a text that the whole East wing is losing their emergency lights." Alex is next to me, his cell phone in hand. I do some quick thinking, and I can't figure out where there's enough room to transfer all of the pediatric patients.
"There's a lot of open space in the North wing," says a nearby intern.
Lauren's voice pipes up.
"If we're going to start moving these patients, I think we should do it now." I take in the idea, and it sounds as good as any. I look back at everyone in the room once more.
"Okay, we have to move everyone out of this room and make our way to the North wing. Staff, I want you to please escort patients and parents as quickly as possible, but please be careful – the lights won't stay on in here for much longer."
The hustle and bustle starts immediately. It doesn't take long for staff members to start showing parents the path to the North wing, and I try to help as much as possible. Within five minutes, the lighting above us goes out, as expected. In almost complete darkness, I have to yell out instructions and directions for people. It's hard, and scary. I can tell Lauren and Alex are my two go-to helpers, and the three of us move most of the patients without too much hassle.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, almost the entire pediatric floor is emptied, and left in utter darkness. And of course, it's in the darkness that I am found bumping into another person. Oh, but it's not just any person, as I can tell by the feel of her body, the scent of her hair, the goose bumps that still enjoy showing up in her presence along my skin.
"Arizona…" I hear her voice, and I almost want to laugh at how she knows it's me, just as how I knew it was her.
"Lauren…" In one single instant, we are facing one another, my hands on her arms, and her hands on mine. She moves in close to me, just as she did not so long ago in the on call room, in the dark, with the lightning flashes from the windows…
I feel her move in, almost as if she's going to kiss me, and then she stops. We are a hairsbreadth from one another… my lips almost touching hers. She's waiting for me to make the next move, yet again.
"If I kiss you…" My voice cracks at the intoxicating thought of yet again allowing the feeling of Lauren's lips to touch mine. "God, I barely had the strength to walk away from you before…"
If it's possible, I move even closer to her, and take in the invigorating knowledge that if I so choose… I can make this happen between us. In the dark, with no one around, no one to see or judge, or hurt… I can indulge in Lauren, and drown in the feeling of her, and me, together.
In one swift movement… I hear Lauren take a step back, and I'm left without the warmth of her body close to mine.
"I think," She whispers to me in the darkness of the floor, "that being with me should be relaxing for you. It should be a chance to let go and release. If the whole time you're near me, you want to fight it, and fight for control… then maybe I shouldn't keep trying to persuade you."
"That's not true Lauren," I say. "I don't know how to explain it to you right now…" I look at the darkness around me. "But I will explain it to you. You just need to give me some time, like I said before."
I go to where I think she's standing, and I find her hand with mine. For the second time this evening, I squeeze our fingers together, in an effort to show Lauren just how much I value her.
"Please, give me some time to figure this whole thing out. Okay?" I ask. She takes our clasped hands and pulls them tight to her stomach, which only forces me to move close to her again. Face to face, hands held in between us, her words cause me to tremble.
"I'll give you time. I'll give you anything you want." I close my eyes.
She breaks apart from me, and I give her a moment to walk out of the room before I follow. The words that sprang from those precious lips echoing in my mind, I know now more than ever, that I have to come clean with Callie.
I find Alex, and I ask him how everything is going with the patients and parents in the North wing. With the emergency lights on, and the back up batteries still holding out on the machines, he tells me that everyone seems calmer than before.
"Awesome, cause I need to take care of something. Will you keep an eye out for everything here while I'm gone?" I ask him. He says yes, and I find my way through the dimly lit hallways to a nearby stairwell.
When I make it downstairs, I head straight to the ER. The amount of blood covering the floor is staggering. But even with all the blood, there is an eerie calm among the staff. I cast my gaze throughout the area, and I see Bailey standing against a wall, looking into nothingness. I make my way over to her.
"Bailey, are you okay?" I rest my hand on her shoulder. She looks up at me, with melancholy eyes.
"There was a busload of kids… they were driving here in hopes of finding somewhere safe to stay until the storm passed." Bailey's words are calm and steady, almost monotone.
"Yeah, I know, Callie told me earlier. What happened with them?" I'm afraid of the answer.
"When they arrived… the driver lost control with the amount of water on the ground, and the bus flipped. It crashed into an ambulance outside…" Bailey's voice lowers. "There were nine kids, and after doing all we could, none of them made it. But the driver did." She nods her head in the direction of the driver, sitting upright in a chair against a wall, also looking into nothingness. "He feels responsible. Now he's left here alone until his family comes in a few hours, and he's got nothing but guilt to keep him company." I watch Bailey shake her head at the situation, and then she finally looks up at me. "Callie's outside the door, just ahead."
I look towards the sliding ER doors and sure enough, Callie is outside, getting covered in heavy rain. Concern floods my body and I rush over to her. As the doors open, I let the rain hit me. In only seconds, I'm as soaked as Callie is.
"Callie?" I stand next to her in the gloomy outside area, as the water pours down on us. Callie looks over at me, slowly, but says nothing. "Are you okay?"
I hear her exhale quickly, as if to give out a rueful laugh. I move in close to her, and I see her whole body stiffen.
"Don't," she whispers.
"What?" I ask.
"Don't come near me." I'm shocked to hear such harsh words directed toward me from my wife.
"Don't come near you? Callie, what's wrong? Is it the bus accident…" I hesitate. "Did you have a patient that didn't make it?" I ask softly.
"Yes, I had a patient that didn't make it." She looks me in the eye. "But that's not why I'm not okay."
"Then what - " I begin, and she cuts me off.
"I heard you." She waits for me to respond, even though I have no idea what she's talking about. "I heard you with Dr Boswell… in the dark, upstairs."
My expression drops, my stomach twists, my skin goes cold, and my entire body is rigid. This is not how I wanted this conversation to go.
"What, you're surprised?" She asks me, hypothetically. "I was up there only minutes ago, and I was looking for you."
I remember earlier, asking Callie to come find me when the ER wasn't so crazy. How could I be so stupid as to forget that?
"Calliope… can we go inside and talk?" I nod my head toward the inside of the building, but she doesn't move.
"You couldn't see me, because the lights were out, but thank God I didn't see you. You said, 'If I kiss you' and you stopped talking for a second. Then you said, 'I barely had the strength to walk away from you before.' What before was she talking about Arizona?" Callie turns her body to face me, to confront me.
"Can we please go inside Callie, it's freezing out here." But the chill spreading through my bones has very little to do with the rain pelting down on me, and more to do with the fierce look coming from the brown eyes staring me down.
"No. We absolutely cannot go inside, not until you answer me." She crosses her arms, determined to hear me out.
"This isn't the appropriate time or place for this discussion, and you know that. If you want my answers, then you'll come inside with me," I say.
"The appropriate time and place? So it was appropriate for you to pursue another woman while in this hospital, while married to me?" If it isn't for the rain coursing down Callie's cheeks, I can almost swear I see tears mixing in with the rainwater.
"Fine, you want answers? Fine!" I'm just a little annoyed that this discussion is headed in a very bad direction, and I'm also annoyed that it's hit me out of left field. "No, I did not pursue another woman – she pursued me. And do you want to know the awful, appalling truth about it all?" I ask Callie, moving in close to her, my face mere inches from hers.
"The truth is…." I have a small amount of ferocity in my voice as I utter the words, and yet, I feel my anger dissipating even as the words are slipping from my mouth. Because the devastating realization that I came to earlier in the evening, the one that hit me like a punch in the stomach, is the realization that I want another woman, a woman who is not my wife. And more than that, I realized that I simply could not become intimate with her until I talked to Callie. I could not betray what Callie and I have had for these past years.
'The truth is…" My voice has faltered, and is now no more than a whisper. "I don't think you and I will ever go back to the way we used to be." My head shakes back and forth a little, and I know that there are tears falling down my cheeks now as well.
"Callie… I know you've felt it recently, this distance between us. I know you have, because I know you, and I know us. Ever since that godforsaken plane crash - "
"The plane crash? Again, about the plane crash?" I hear Callie's voice trembling, and I feel a horrible crushing in my body because I know that if I could just keep holding on, keep myself in control, and keep pretending that everything is alright…. Then Callie would not be crying, and her voice would not be trembling. But, shit, pretending that everything is okay is, in my mind, almost worse than cheating on someone. In my mind, acting like our intimacy, our bond - hell, our whole relationship, is just fine, would be a lie.
"Yes, ever since the plane crash, we've been broken Callie." My tears are no longer silent, and I begin to openly sob in between words. "I can't pretend anymore that we're as close as we once were. You used to make me so utterly happy, you used to make me forget about the stress of life. And then, when I lost my leg - " One more time, she cuts me off.
"I'm sorry!" She exclaims, suddenly rushing forward and clutching my shoulders. We are both sobbing now, because the knowledge of what is happening between us has come to a point of reckoning. She now knows, as I know, that we are at a turning point. "I never meant to hurt you when I had your leg amputated! I only wanted to save you, I wanted what was best for you!"
The irony of what Callie says to me makes my heart ache even more. My next words are said so softly, that I'm surprised she can even hear them over the pounding rain.
"If you still want what's best for me… I don't think it's with you." I let the words sink in, as painful as they are. "Do you still want what's best for me Calliope, what's best for us?"
She breaks down then, and pulls me into a tight hug. Through the tears, the agonizing sobs, I hear a few broken words.
"Always… I've always wanted the best for you… how do I let you go… how do I live without you?" I answer as honestly as possible.
"You've been living without me for months."
It's true, she has. Our relationship was as strong as any relationship could be, before the accident, and before I lost my leg. But after the accident, ever since then, it's been strangled. At times, it's been unbearable. Our intimacy has been weakly repaired, and now the bandages are ripped open again, only to be left bleeding and exposed. And in the past few hours, I've come to accept something that I know will take Callie a lot longer to come to terms with: my emotional wounds need healing, and the only person who seems capable of patching them up properly… is Lauren.
I didn't expect it. Hell, I didn't even truly know in my own heart that Callie isn't the right person for me anymore. For those years before the plane crash, Callie was my soul mate, the one person who was meant to be in my life at that exact period of time. And now, in the aftermath, Callie and I aren't meant to be together any longer. We aren't meant to walk the paths of our lives intertwined – we were only meant to be together when life saw that we were a match, even if it was only temporary.
As Callie digests what I've said to her, I know that she doesn't want to admit the truth of it all, and yet she forces herself to. She pulls back and lets go of my shoulders.
"I wish we were who we used to be," she says.
"So do I," I say. If it were even just a year ago, Callie and I would be as perfectly matched as any two people can be. But now, life has changed its scenery, and I believe I've found someone else who better matches the environment.
"Calliope, I never meant to hurt you in all this." I allow my hand to touch her cheek.
"I know you didn't. But damn it, why did that stupid plane have to malfunction? We were perfect you know…" She leans into my hand. "We were perfect."
"Yeah, we were. But now, I don't think we're as perfect as we want to be."
"Do you think being with someone else is really the best thing for you?" Callie's voice cracks at the thought. I won't lie to her.
"Yes." My voice is soft, controlled, but humble. I do regret that Callie and I have not been able to make it work, but I know that I will never forget how amazing we were, at one point in time. Now however, it's a different part of my life, and I have to do what's best not only for me, but also for my wife.
"Okay… okay." Callie takes a breath. "Fine, I'll let you go Arizona. But I need you to promise me something." I give her a nod. "You promise me, that if you're not as happy with Dr Boswell as you were with me when we first started out… that you'll walk away from her. You promise me that you'll put your happiness first, and you'll take care of yourself. And most of all, I want you to promise me that you'll stop pretending everything's okay, unless it really is okay. Deal?"
I want to hate myself for not loving Callie more, for not making it work with us. But I know that us not working out is neither Callie's fault, nor my own. If we were meant to be together, then I never would have felt such elation when Lauren walked into my life. I simply cannot deny how happy Lauren makes me, and there's no point in fighting the connection we share.
"Deal." I give a faint smile, a sad smile. I embrace Callie once more, and this time the hug is strong, but bittersweet. It's the last time we will be this close, as a couple. When we disentangle ourselves, we look at each other. I speak first.
"I need to go back and check on my patients… I think I'll have to stay here overnight. Will you pick up Sophia and call me tomorrow?" I say the next few words as gently as possible. "We'll have to figure out what our next step is."
Callie closes her eyes and lets them stay closed for a long while. I know she needs this time, to accept what has just transpired between us, and to look forward instead of back. Finally, she opens them.
"Yeah, let's talk tomorrow about the apartment… about Sophia. Shit Arizona, I can't have Sophia lose you too…" I interrupt her.
"I will never walk out of Sophia's life, do you hear me? She's our daughter Calliope. She's our daughter. We'll figure this out, okay?" My voice is adamant and Callie acknowledges it with a nod.
"I have to get back upstairs… please, call me tomorrow," I say.
"I will." Callie has a sense of resignation surrounding her, but I know that in time, she will see what I see now – this separation is meant to happen. In the long run, it's better for both of us.
With one last, long look into Callie's eyes, I turn and head back into the ER. Moving throughout the halls, I feel an utter sadness at saying goodbye to a huge part of my life. And yet at the same time, I'm also coming to understand other feelings inside me – relief about coming clean with Callie, nervousness about living without her, excitement about starting something new with Lauren, and most of all, happiness - because I've finally put myself first.
I head up the stairway and enter the pediatric floor, only to find the emergency lights still out, and the rooms still in complete darkness. I turn around and head to the North wing of the hospital. As I enter the area, I take in my surroundings. My patients are all being watched my Alex, a few interns, and yes, by Lauren.
Somehow sensing my arrival, she looks up from a patient chart, and her gaze penetrates mine. Instead of avoiding her eyes, instead of looking at her with a sort of emotional frown or unsure expression, I meet her gaze with a huge smile. In the one second that it takes for Lauren to take in my smile, she smiles back at me, just as strongly. I walk toward her, and she sets down the patient chart.
"Hey," I say, a smile still graving my features.
"Hey yourself," she says back. "Is there a reason you look so happy right now?"
"Yeah, because of you." It's blunt, but it's sincere.
"Because of me?" She asks, slightly confused.
"Yes, because of you. Do you have a moment to talk?"
"Um, yeah, everything's in order at the moment with the patients. Do you want to go to a room or something?"
"That's a good idea." I look around and spot an office supply room nearby. "This way."
We walk side by side, and it feels good to be next to her. As we enter the room, it's dimly lit, like the rest of the North wing. I close the door behind me and address Lauren.
"Callie and I… we just talked." Lauren's smile fades.
"Oh?"
"Yeah… I told her about you." Lauren's eyebrows shoot up.
"How'd that go?"
"The truth?" I ask her. She nods. "It was devastating."
I can see in Lauren's expression that she wants to know more, but she doesn't know how to ask. I answer her silent questions.
"I told her that we haven't been happy together for a long time, and that the first person to really make me feel whole again since the plane crash… is you." Shockingly, I can feel a small blush creep its way onto my cheeks. I wait for Lauren to react.
"Are you serious, you told her that?" Lauren takes a step, moving closer to me.
"I did," I say.
She inches closer to me again, and without a word, she catches my lips in an excruciatingly tender kiss. When we break away, I can see intense emotion on her face.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier, in the on call room, on the ped's floor?"
"I had to talk to Callie first, to tell her what was going through my head. I couldn't be disloyal to her, you know? And God, you make it so hard!" I laugh a little.
"I make it hard? Have you seen you?! Shit, the way you kiss a woman should be illegal." We both laugh then, and I feel a bit of tension release from my body. And then of course, I'm reminded of the tentative situation that Lauren and I are actually in.
"Lauren… I understand if you don't want to keep pursuing something with me, because your job has you traveling everywhere so often… but, maybe, if you do want – "
She moves in close again and pushes me against the supply room door. She grabs my hands and pulls them above my head. I feel anxious almost immediately, and I can't help but love the feeling of being so drawn to such a woman. Her lips slam into mine, and the passion I feel overwhelms me. Our tongues duel for a moment, and then Lauren pulls her head back, but she doesn't move away from me.
"I said earlier tonight that I would give you anything you want." The hoarse tone of her voice leaves me weak. "Do you want me?"
My answer is simple.
"Hell yes."
Lauren smiles at me, and I can't help but smile back. Shit, the way this woman makes me feel things…
"Then you've got me."
My stomach tingles and my skin heats up, all because of those words. I meet her lips for another kiss, for many kisses, and I finally allow my body and mind to become lost in the delicious feeling of not just being in someone's arms, but of feeling completely alive after feeling numb for so long.