Yes, it actually is a coincidence that I posted two Tsukuyomi fics within the space of a day. They've both been written for literally months… I only just got around to posting them. Anyway, this took me forever to write. It really did. Because, to add anything to this file at all, I had to be in a very particular sort of mood, a mood of complete desperation and despair, of 'holy shit AP physics test is tomorrow and I don't know anything at all I don't even know what flux is what is this oh god'. Such moods were rare, only occurring with AP physics tests, and only after those horrible tests were over would I get the chance to write instead of study. Maa… but the school year is almost done. Next Monday is my AP Physics exam, and then, I shall be done with physics for the rest of my life. Can. Not. Wait. And so, without further ado…
"I know you, Hatake Kakashi."
Stab stab. Thrust thrust.
"I know you. That's why."
Pain pain.
"That's why I'm killing you."
It hurts.
"Not because it's torture for you to die."
It hurts a lot.
"Because it's torture for you to die, then come back."
It takes a long time for him to realize that scream is from himself.
"Minato." Stab. "Rin." Stab. "Your mother." Stab. "Your father." Stab. "Obito." Stab stab stab.
"You die. You're with them again. And then I bring you back."
The katana pierces through organs and a rib, all the way, then out his back, another nail pinning him to the wood. Another soon joins it.
"That is torture."
Kakashi is fine with torture, and he's fine with dying, but he can't take dying through torture and being brought back. He can't.
"Do you understand, Kakashi? Do you want me to kill you? Do you miss them?"
Yes. Yes, he misses them. He wants to see them all again and never leave.
"I could kill you. I could kill you and let you stay dead."
Please. Please, that's what he wants. Sensei, Rin, Obito, crushed by a boulder Chidori through the heart soul taken for Konoha
"Do you want me to kill you, Kakashi?"
Yes.
"I won't."
Please.
"Look at your team. What you have done for Sasuke? He's in even more pain now than when he was first assigned to you."
Don't talk about them. Just kill him. Kill him and be done with it.
"What you have done for Sakura? She can't do a thing but watch others fight for her, and all you do is neglect her. She wonders how much better she has to get, even without a sensei who cares enough to notice, before you notice her."
Sorry. So sorry sorry sorry stab stab stab.
"What have you done for Naruto? He wants a family, and you don't even mention his father. His mother. He asks you to train him and you tell him no. What would Minato think of what you've done to his son?"
Every nerve in his body is on fire and then it's dark and then he opens his eyes and he's alive again. The pain is gone and he's alive.
"How many others will you fail?"
Stab stab.
"How many others will die? How many will be waiting for you when it's finally your turn?"
Thrust thrust.
"How many others?"
Stab stab stab.
"You think you don't have enough precious people. But the opposite is true, Kakashi."
Thrust thrust thrust.
"You have too many."
The katana pierces his heart, and with a gurgled scream he dies again.
"Kurenai."
Stab.
"Asuma."
Stab.
"Gai."
Stab.
"Your team."
Stab.
"Too many."
Stab stab stab.
"All your precious people are bound to die. Can you take it when they die and you don't?"
Thrust thrust thrust.
"They will die. Every last one of them will die, and it will be your fault."
Scream scream scream.
"Do you want me to kill you? Do you want to go to your family and your team and wait for the others to join you? Do you want to go to where it does not hurt, where there is only peace?"
More darkness.
Then he breathes, and he's alive again.
And being alive hurts.
"Why?"
Kakashi's voice comes out in a ragged whisper and he hangs his head, tears coming to his- not Obito's- eye.
"I want to die."
Now Obito is crying, too.
"Why won't you kill me?"
Itachi's eyes are as red as the demonic sky and his blood as he stabs again, and his pale scream tears his throat raw. The torturer's answer is as cold as the black and scarlet in those accursed eyes.
"You're too pathetic to die. You don't deserve the peace it would bring."
His heart fails again and as his eyes fall shut, he knows he's right.
When he opens his eyes and see sunlight and water and Konoha, it hurts, because he wants to die.
But Itachi is right. He doesn't deserve the peace it would bring.
The water is suddenly a lot closer to his face than before, and then he realizes that he's collapsed. Every single cell in his body is screaming at him, and it feels like he's been set on fire, and he's quite certain that the wounds Itachi gave him in Tsukuyomi were real, because nothing else could hurt this much.
"Kakashi! Kakashi, what happened?! Can we open our eyes yet?!"
Kurenai. Asuma.
Obito's eye throbs.
I know you're trash, Kakashi, but are you so low you won't even speak up to warn them?
"N- no," he gasps, utilizing what strength he has left to speak. "Don't… not yet."
Itachi speaks, and his voice sounds almost curious. "You endured that much, and yet did not suffer a mental collapse?"
He feels his energy failing, draining, vanishing, and unconsciousness hovers at the edge of his mind. He hangs on, how, he has no idea, but knows he can't just let go yet. He may be a failure, and the people he loves may die because he can't protect them, but he won't let Itachi get to his team. His team.
"Why… are you… here? Sasuke?"
"No. We are after Yondaime's legacy."
Sensei? No… it couldn't be… "N- Naruto?"
Itachi and Kisame both stay silent, and no matter how much pain he's in, he can still feel Asuma's and Kurenai's Chakra flare in worry and panic. It's for their sake he stays conscious, because he has no other reason to try and endure.
"…Your organization… the Akatsuki?"
Just the fact that he knows the name shocks the two Akatsuki members. His vision starts to spin but he fights to cling to reality, just for a little while longer. He wonders if this is what dying feels like, and then hopes it is, because he really, really misses them all.
"Kisame. Kakashi is coming with us. Make the other two disappear."
No, no, that wasn't right. He was supposed to be the one to suffer. Why Kurenai? Why Asuma? They were innocent. Their hands weren't covered in blood. They couldn't die. They weren't supposed to die. He tries to stand, to fight, but he lacks the strength to even move. He sees Kisame start to move forward, raising his massive blade, and he can't stop him they're about to die and it wasn't fair he couldn't stop it-
"Konoha Senpuu!"
As Kakashi's vision turns black and he falls, he thinks he's never been so relieved in his life to see so much green.
Rivalry is a peculiar thing, Gai thinks, as he sees Asuma and Kurenai off and locks the door behind them. Peculiar that he's the one they all chose, by unspoken consensus, to stay the night. And it's a little sad that his rival has no one else, that there is truly no one else who would even give a damn what happened, unless he could count Genma and Raidou and the other ANBU he served with, and Gai doesn't.
He's also more than a little mad at his team. Well, one in particular. Naruto has left, left in search of healer who could help his sensei and his friend and Lee, left to find the next Hokage. Sasuke is laid out in the hospital with the same attack that left Kakashi incapacitated. So, while he can't exactly expect either one of them to come, he at least thought Sakura would've shown up once to check on her sensei. But she hasn't.
He knows it's better than years past, when he has no team, and at least there's himself and Asuma and Kurenai to care enough to remain in the waiting room for hours on end when he drags himself back with his organs hanging out of his chest and white bone actually showing, sacrificing every single thing he could for the village. It's still bothersome that Sakura can't be bothered to once make sure Kakashi is okay.
But then, he's not okay. He hadn't woken for over twelve hours, not since Itachi's attack, but the medic squad hadn't found a single thing wrong with him. Gai's never fooled around with genjutsu himself, but Kurenai had said that it wasn't necessarily a cause for worry; that genjutsu put stress on the mind and perhaps he simply needed to rest to heal it.
So Kakashi sleeps on, unmoving and silent, shock of unruly silver hair obscuring the red eye that's caused him more pain than Obito ever could've while he was alive. His mask remains, and his clothes are dry now. Same with his hair, which had previously been heavy with water from the lake and hung down over his face, refusing to stick up in his favored anti-gravity style. It's only now, Gai realizes, that Kakashi probably would breathe easier without the mask in the way, but he doesn't once think of removing it. Kakashi doesn't even take his mask off when he sleeps. That's rule number one of being Kakashi's friend: Don't take his mask off. He doesn't think it's funny.
Oh, sure, he'd laughed it off when Genma and Raidou had succeeded in pulling it down one night at the bar, but he'd left early and when Gai had found him later, the copy ninja had been staring at his father's blade, one grey eye dark and unreadable.
Gai sighs quietly- yes, he can do things quietly- and reclaims his seat on the dresser, leaning back against the wall to watch his rival sleep. Almost thirteen hours now.
Gai raises his head when he feels a hint of displeasure taint Kakashi's restless Chakra, which had felt disturbed and pained ever since he'd found him this afternoon. It was that which had led him to Kakashi in the first place; he'd felt his rival's Chakra, and it had been agonized, and he'd known right then and there that Kakashi was in excruciating pain and needed help. Gai stands, crossing the small, plain bedroom to Kakashi's side and sitting on the edge of the bed. "Kakashi?"
He twitches, and then he's sitting upright almost faster than his eyes could follow, grey eye open, nervous gaze jumping around the room. His hand presses to his middle, as if he's in pain, but the fact that he's sitting upright and awake is an improvement, and Gai will take what he can get. "Hey, take it easy." He reaches forward, trying to coax Kakashi into lying back down, but his rival shrugs him off.
"Asuma? Kurenai?" His voice is rough and tired but Gai can still hear the barely disguised panic lurking beneath the surface. "Are they…"
"Fine. Went home together. You win the bet, rival."
Normally, this would make Kakashi smile and he would laugh knowingly, but Gai is relieved when he only leans back slightly, almost relaxed. However, the reprieve only lasts for a moment. He abruptly sits up straight again, the fear returning to his eye. "Naruto? Itachi said he was after him. And Sasuke! Are they-"
"Fine, too. Naruto's off with Jiraiya. Itachi tried to get to him, but Jiraiya fought them off. They won't be trying again."
"And Sasuke?"
Gai finds it hard to meet Kakashi's gaze for that one. "…Same genjutsu Itachi used on you. He's in the hospital. But if you're awake now, he should be fine."
This did nothing to stop his rival from slumping back against the headboard and hanging his head, hair obscuring his eyes. The scar is thrown into contrast by the dim moonlight for a brief moment before Kakashi raises a hand and clasps it over his eyes, the picture of guilt and self-loathing. Gai pauses, unsure of what to do, as Kakashi groans.
"Kakashi?"
Kakashi mutters something so soft he can't make it out before raising his hand and dragging it through his tangled hair, and then he's looking at Gai with a peculiar expression on his face, one caught between fear and uncertainty. "Tell me Itachi didn't hurt you, too."
Gai's eyes widen. He swallows at the barely noticeable tremble in his rival's voice and holds out a thumbs up, smiling so brightly it hurt. "Of course not, Kakashi! At my arrival, he and the other one fled like the cowardly, traitorous missing nin that they are! With myself, Asuma, and Kurenai before them, their flowers of youth wilted and they-"
"Enough, Gai." Kakashi rubs his head as if he has a headache and closes his eye for a brief moment, letting out a breath. Gai falls silent, watching his rival in concern. The thick silver hair and mask hides his expression all too well, but Kakashi can't hide his Chakra, and Gai can feel his distress, and it worries him. "You got lucky. You got fucking lucky, god damn it. Promise me you won't do that again."
"What?"
"Promise me!" Kakashi's yelling now, abrupt and shocking, and Gai doesn't know what to say. "You can't fight Itachi for me again; you can't, you can't. He could kill you. I don't know why he didn't kill me. But you can't die; you can't die for me, you just can't die, period, Gai-"
"Kakashi-"
"Promise me you won't. Promise me you won't die; everyone else is already dead and you can't-"
"Kakashi-"
"I'm not strong enough to protect anyone else, I'm not; I always fail at it and I promise I'll try but you have to promise too that you won't-"
Kakashi was babbling now, eye wide and unfocused, and Gai has to grab him by the shoulder to get him to snap out of it. "Hey!" he exclaims, shaking him slightly, because seeing Kakashi like this scares him. "I'm not going to die. I'm right here."
Kakashi stares at him for one long moment, then hangs his head again, his breathing uneven and his one eye closed. "That's what they all said. Rin, then Sensei… they promised they weren't going to die, and then-" He chokes off with a half-cough, half-sob, and shakes his head again. "You can't promise that."
Gai's getting very worried now. Kakashi doesn't talk about his old team often, and for good reason. For him to do so now… "Kakashi, I'm not going to die. I made you a promise years ago that I wouldn't die before you did; what makes you think that I'm going to go back on it now?"
Kakashi's eye widened in recognition at the mention of the promise Gai had made him just a few days after Minato had died. Kakashi, he remembers, was distraught, panicked that there was no one left, and Gai had promised on the spur of the moment that he wouldn't die, too, like all the rest. He hopes bringing it up now will calm him, but it has almost the opposite affect.
"You…" Kakashi trails off into silence before he shakes his head again. "Itachi was right. I wasn't worth his time to kill. He was right. And you… you promised, but, in the end, you'll be like all the others-" Abruptly, Kakashi twists, yanking down his mask and vomiting onto the floor. Gai's eyes widen and he moves up tentatively to rest a hand on his rival's back, completely at a loss for what he should do.
Kakashi heaves up his breakfast before falling heavily on his arm, too exhausted to keep himself upright. By this point, Gai is more than worried; he's scared. Scared, because he's never seen his rival like this before.
A very horrible dread settles itself in Gai's stomach.
"Kakashi, what did Itachi make you see?"
His rival just shakes his head, still panting slightly. "Nothing. It doesn't matter."
"Well, clearly it matters to you."
He shrugs. "Maa, I don't remember."
"This isn't funny, Kakashi!"
"I don't remember trying to make a joke."
Gai glares at him for a moment, him and his infuriating indifference, and when Kakashi's eye curves up in a pathetic attempt at a smile, he almost can't take it. "I'm fine now. You-"
"God damn it, Kakashi, you are not fine!" Gai flattens him back against the headboard with a firm push, pinning him in place. "You can't be damn near comatose for half the day, wake up in a panic, vomit up your breakfast, and then say you're fine!"
Kakashi blinks, and he looks at him oddly for a moment before the Chakra Gai had been so attuned to until now abruptly vanishes. The sudden absence of it almost makes him jump, and then he realizes that Kakashi is merely suppressing his Chakra so Gai has no means of reading his emotions, not when he answers to everything with an eye crinkle and an offhand laugh.
"Kakashi, what did Itachi make you see."
"I already told you, I-"
"Rival, you may be a good liar, but I'm not falling for it this time. Whatever he did made you worried I was going to die, and I want to know what it is."
Kakashi's shoulders slump, and he looks away before pushing Gai off and standing. He sways for a moment, unsteady, but by the time Gai has moved closed enough to catch him, he's regained his balance. He turns he's facing the window, away from Gai, and he merely watches helplessly as his rival reaches up under his ANBU top, feeling for wounds that aren't there. Gai is at a loss, but he knows he can't just leave, like it's clear Kakashi wants him to. He can't just leave hime like this; surely there's something he can do.
"You said something about him being right; that you weren't worth his time to kill…?" He figures Kakashi needs prompting, so he starts out with that, but even as he says this, he knows it has a very good chance at backfiring.
Kakashi merely shrugs, still feeling his chest for injuries. "It's… nothing," he begins, then falters. A moment passes in silence, Gai hoping his rival's going to continue. He steps up behind him and rests his hand on his shoulder awkwardly in a silent offer of comfort. "Itachi just knew more than I expected him to. That's all."
Gai frowns.
Kakashi laughs without humor. "I forgot. He was in ANBU. Of course he would know all those things; we read other's files as a social life back then."
"Those things…?"
"He knew you and I were friends," Kakashi says, rather abruptly. "Which is odd, because most people in the village don't even know that, and he hasn't been in Konoha in years."
Gai pauses. He's hesitant to speak, thinking it might dissuade him from saying more, but Kakashi's got him curious. "My name came up?"
"A little."
"…Team Minato?"
"…Yeah."
Gai listens as Kakashi sighs gruffly, the copy ninja tugging on the edge of his mask as if it had slipped down. He doesn't have to ask if Sakumo came up; he can already tell the answer to that one. "What did Itachi have the say about them?"
"Nothing much."
"Really. That's why were you so worried I was going to die, my eternal rival."
"Well, what can I say." Kakashi shrugs and, even though he can't see his rival's face, Gai is sure his eye is crinkled up in a smile. "What kind of a jounin would I be if I didn't get paranoid from time to time? And I've never heard you say the words 'my eternal rival' with so little emotion."
"Your hip responses continue! I would have expected no less from my eternal rival!"
Gai is sure Kakashi smirks. "Better."
"So, rival. What was it we were talking about- ah, yes!" He snaps his fingers. "You being 'paranoid'." He makes dramatic air quotes around the word, though Kakashi doesn't respond in the slightest. "Awful convenient timing, isn't it?"
"Maa, I'm known for my impeccable sense of timing."
"You are not."
They both fall silent save for Kakashi's slightly labored breaths. His hand is still resting over his ribcage, Gai notices, and he doesn't know if he should ask Kakashi about it or not. His silver hair hangs stiff and dull in a most un-Kakashi like fashion, and it reminds Gai how silly and youthful Kakashi looks without his hitai-aite holding his hair back. But his eye always is too world weary and pained in this rare moments when his rival is caught without the headband, barely readable expressions hiding loss and grief and too many friends lost. It was like that even in their childhood. And it really isn't fair that one person has to suffer so much, but Gai's never been one to pity Kakashi, and Kakashi was never one to want it.
He just needed a kick in the ass occasionally, to remind him that not all his friends were dead yet.
"Kakashi."
"Hmm?"
"What did Itachi show you."
Gai doesn't phrase it as a question, but an order, and he hopes Kakashi will take it like one. He watches as his rival takes a few steps closer to the window, his hands in his pockets, gazing out at the full moon as if it has enraptured him. "Many things," he says, at length. "None of them real."
"Doesn't mean they didn't affect you."
"Have you been talking with Kurenai? You're not normally one to admit the strengths of genjutsu. Despite how many times mine have bested your taijutsu."
"My taijutsu has bested your genjutsu just as often, rival."
"True."
It's silent once more, and Gai realizes that Kakashi- again- has avoided the question. It's clear that Kakashi really doesn't way to spell out whatever it was that Itachi did to him, but Gai was never one to give up. "Kakas-"
"I smell smoke. Was Asuma here?"
"You and I both know you can smell whatever your neighbors are having for dinner; you know Asuma was here. Now stop avoiding the question, before I challenge myself to get an answer out of you."
Kakashi shudders. "Please, don't do that."
"Then stop being difficult."
Gai watches carefully, hoping Kakashi will just break and tell him. But it couldn't be that easy. Kakashi wasn't Konoha's second best interrogator for nothing; if Kakashi's kept his mouth shut while the enemy sets his arm on fire- Gai knows, because he was there- then it's doubtful that a little prompting and repetitive questions will get him to talk.
Thus, Gai is extremely surprised when Kakashi begins to talk in a low monotone, his shoulders slumped, his head low. "…I died. More than once. ..It should've killed me; I honestly don't know why it didn't."
"Kurenai said your Chakra flow wasn't just disrupted while you were under, it was stopped completely," Gai ventures once he's overcome the initial shock, both of Kakashi answering and of what he said.
"I thought so. It was the only explanation I could think of." Kakashi heaves a great sigh, still looking out the window as if the sky is the most interesting thing in the world.
"So… Itachi…"
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. That. …Maa, I don't know where to begin."
"What happened after he… after you died?"
Kakashi shrugs again. "I came back, obviously."
Gai refuses to rise to the bait. "And then, rival?"
Kakashi's cocky air falters, and the shoulder under his hand quivers slightly. "…I died again."
Gai releases a breath and closes his eyes for a brief moment. He wants to kill Itachi for this. "How many times?"
"I don't know. Didn't keep count." Kakashi pauses, then shakes his head, as if confused. "…He told me you were going to die, too."
Gai clenches his jaw. He wishes he'd hit Itachi with that kick, not shark-man, whatever his name was. "Well, he was lying. I'm not going to. I made you that promise, and I don't break my promises."
"Yeah, I know."
And then, so sudden Gai barely moved to catch him in time, Kakashi falls.
The lanky body settles into his arms barely an inch above the floor, Kakashi's eyes closed, muscles relaxed, head lolling in his arms. "Kakashi?" Gai tries tentatively, roughly shaking him when he doesn't receive a response. "Kakashi! Shit, Kakashi, wake up. Kakashi!"