Surrender

This fic surrounds Heero's and Quatre's visit to the Sanq Kingdom. Some creative license was taken, and sequences and events were changed for plot purposes.

I can't stay here any longer. I don't want to leave but I can't stay. I'm too afraid of what my presence here might mean for her and for me. I'm being a coward but this time I don't mind.

I'm aware that I'm packing slower than I usually do. In the past, I would have thrown a few things in a bag or simply left everything behind but I'm idling and I can't help but feel a slight resentment toward Quatre even though I know it has nothing to with him. He's just an easy scapegoat for what I don't want to admit. My time here has been one baffling situation after another and as I prepare to leave these borders my mind recounts them one by one.

"Why do you think we're here?" Quatre asked.

We'd been in the bunker familiarizing ourselves with the Sanq Kingdom's position on war and their relations with other organizations and countries. It was an out of place space in the old European castle but a requirement that was missing in times past according to Noin. We'd both been quiet reading our individual notes when he suddenly asked this mind-bending question.

"Because the Sanq Kingdom needs protection."

My response had been swift and to the point but I could tell by the tilt of his head and the twist of his mouth he wasn't done.

"Yea, but that's not the only reason."

"Quatre just spit it out." I hadn't meant to be aggressive but coy wasn't something I'd learned to appreciate. Or maybe I knew that Quatre despite his outward calm and un-soldier like gentleness wasn't going to be daunted.

And I was right. He simply smiled in a way that confused me further.

"You wanted to come here."

"I…did?"

He nods. "After the battle, you told me."

The look on my face must have told him I wasn't buying it and he corrected himself.

"Not in so many words but you did say her name."

That admission had haunted me since and I wished he'd just kept it to himself. Over the years I'd done a lot of things beyond explanation and comprehension but this topped the list. I had nothing, no explanation to offer him as he sat looking at me with a knowing and empathetic smile. I couldn't even explain it to myself. Or deny it to myself, because that was my first reaction, denial.

Days past and I tried to forget what Quatre had said but the seed had been well planted.

I remember eavesdropping on several classes as well. Not intentionally but I'd stalked through the eerily quiet halls searching for an answer that may have been hidden there but instead of hearing my own thoughts I'd heard the voices and thoughts of others as they filtered through the open doors of classes. One voice was unmistakable, and I couldn't help but stop to listen. From my vantage point behind the open door, I'd watched her, poised and confident. The war, the death of her father and her responsibilities had changed her. She was confident and sure in her words and actions and it had been both admirable and disconcerting. I hadn't seen this coming, the girl I vowed to kill was now the princess of a country which was encouraging and promoting total pacifism and here I was staying in that country. It was some sick twist of fate or a sick joke. I found neither funny.

That should've been enough warning for me. A trained soldier becoming uneasy listening to a pacifist teach about the perils of war? Unfortunately, I didn't heed it and that was only the first one. There'd be more.

I'm a man of few words but I've never been afraid to speak when needed. Never cared about my choice of words or how they would be received. That is, before taking refuge in the Sanq Kingdom. I can't find a word to define it, or maybe my ego doesn't want to. All I know is whenever I've felt anything close to apprehension, it was in her presence.

A quick exchange in the gardens should have been easy. I'd been reading when she sat next to me. Clad in her uniform she'd politely asked for permission as if she needed it. Outwardly I assumed I'd looked calm, inwardly I was not. I sat waiting for her to speak, looked forward to it if I was to be honest. When she finally did, her choice of words had sounded more like an exposition than a conversation but I guess she'd wanted me to understand exactly where she was coming from. She'd been following me, keeping up with the war, its progress and twists and I couldn't help but wonder how much of that was due to her position and how much of it was about me? Had I wanted it to be about me? Another unknown to add to the growing pile ever since I stepped foot in Relena's country.

"I'm on your side now." The words came back to me the minute she spoke about the colonies and the way they had denounced us. She was sad and sympathetic toward us, the Gundam pilots, toward me. Then she asked why I was here, why her country and I hesitated. I wanted to explain but I didn't know how. My mouth wouldn't let me.

After that, I had tried to keep my distance the best I could and for the most part, it had been easy. Buried in the depths of the Sanq kingdom tunnels and secret corridors with Noin and Quatre I worked on my mobile suit and ran diagnostics, though I didn't actually have to be doing anything truth is no one dared disturb me. I was ready to believe that I'd be able to remain here and be unaffected another miscalculation on my part.

Only a day after that brief conversation in the garden Relena was invited to speak to Duke Dermail of Romefeller, an action that Quatre had vehemently contested. It was dangerous he said, who knows what they'd do to her. I had ignored him it was her decision and I had no right to interfere. Much the same as I wouldn't expect her to interfere with my choices to fight. Funny because I knew she would if she felt the need. She'd flown an airplane into a battle to stop me once. Stupid or courageous was how Trowa had described it, I hadn't offered an opinion at the time. I hadn't cared.

I chose to do a little training in the school gym in the hours she was gone. I lifted weights, I hit the punching bag, whatever I could to keep myself fit or rather occupied. I wanted to sweat, I wanted to pound something, even if it had been a wall. I pushed myself until my knuckles became raw and tender and I would have gone beyond that if Quatre hadn't burst in to tell me Relena was being targeted.

Luckily, we'd gotten there just in time to stop the attack. It had been easy enough even in a Taurus suit. It was obvious they hadn't put much effort into it since a greater show of force would have been a lot more difficult to explain or dismiss as an accident. You didn't have to be a great tactician of war to read their angle.

It was only after everything had stopped that I realized my hands were shaking, an after effect of my rigorous training and battered knuckles no less. I'd assumed it would subside instead it just got worse while I stood listening to Noin apologise for military force and weapons as if we hadn't just saved Relena's life. A feat that would've been impossible without it.

Relena, this naive girl she didn't understand. I couldn't remain silent. 'This level of military force isn't enough.' I told her, but all that did was incite her further. She issued a challenge, one that if you asked me I couldn't actually recall. Somewhere in her rebuttal she had made a reference to us being the people closest to her. One part of me believed she meant in proximity another side was struck with something indescribable to be considered as someone she felt close to, not by distance but in relation. I couldn't handle it. Yet again she had rendered me helpless and confused and as usual, I'd made a hasty retreat this time to the mobile suit.

The more time passed the more it seemed the roles between us had changed. My subconscious had wanted to see her, if Quatre was telling the truth and I had no reason to believe he wasn't. Now here, my conscious self was oblivious to a course of action.

'The only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions.'

I had uttered those words once. Profound as they were they had been nothing more than a good excuse for why I was torturing myself by visiting the relatives of the dead. How that logic now seemed to evade me at a time I needed it most.

The days I spent in the Sanq seemed longer than the days I'd spent anywhere else. Quatre hypothesized it was due to the fact that we weren't running for our lives, so the pace was slower. He thought this was a good representation of what the world would be like if there was peace. I too found myself wondering, maybe peace was an achievable thing after all. Maybe I could fit in in a world without fighting.

So, I tried it out. I, for once, I stopped to admire the view on one of the many balconies and took in the kingdom, the birds, houses, the sky. It was serene. There were no loud sounds no crunching metal or scent of gunpowder. It had the ability to lull you into a false sense of security and I found myself wanting to explore it further. I took a walk through the forest on the outskirts of the city just as a quiet observer of the natural and untouched scenery.

But it was too good to be true. I was brought back to reality when I found a group of refugees camping in the forest like cancerous cells just waiting for an opportunity to engulf its host. I'd wanted them gone so I made the decision to tell Noin about them. I believed her position, as some type of head of security, would be able to handle their extraction. How many miscalculations can one person make? She'd shared that information with Relena and that naive girl actually wanted to take them in.

I was being a hypocrite. I was no different from them. One could even argue that I was far worse and I certainly hadn't refused the offer when it was made to me. My presence here was just as much a threat to her as theirs was.

I hate to admit it but they were the better men. They saw the risks and chose not to be a burden. Their gallantry though was wasted and the Sanq was attacked. This time a Taurus suit wouldn't have been enough. So, I chose to fight with Treize's demon and it took pleasure in haunting me. It used everything it could, even images of Relena's demise. Which only made me fight harder. Maybe Epyon knew just how to get the best out of me, I should thank Treize one day. With the help of the Maganacs and the Sandrock we held off their attack but there was a stain on the city now, blood, death and war. We had made the countries position weak. A pacifist nation harboring Gundams was sure to be exploited by any group with an objective.

That had been the last straw, the final warning. This time I heeded it.

I'm sitting on the floor in the hangar, where I've been for nearly an hour and a half with no progress. I look at the clock on the far wall, it's late, around 1 am. I should be finished by now but looking down at the contents strewn around my feet I realise I haven't actually started. My bag is empty except for one lone folder, apparently, the only thing I'd managed to put in it. I'm about to reach for the laptop when I hear the hangar doors slide open. I don't look up from the bag in front of me. I don't have to; her perfume alerts me to her identity even before I see her. I push the computer into the bag and wait. From the corner of my eye, I watch as she sits in front of me, her knees up to her chest with her arms folded on top to cradle her head. She doesn't say anything just sits there watching me. I continue to rummage through my belongings while trying my best not to feel uneasy.

There's more silence and I can't take it. "What is it?" I can't help the memory that surfaces of another time I was caught trying to make a hasty escape by this very person. Perhaps the philosophers are right and history will always find a way to repeat itself.

Relena doesn't answer my question she just continues to look at me. Her hair falling over her shoulders and I refrain from picking it up off the floor.

"Relena." I prod, being more talkative than usual. I watch her as she watches me it's the only option available to me right now.

She takes a deep breath. "Are you hurt? "

A lot of things had crossed my mind of what she might want to say and still, this one hadn't occurred to me.

"I'm fine." It's the simplest answer. It isn't exactly a lie and it isn't far from the truth but Relena's gaze doesn't waver. Her eyes hold mine with a question that's unspoken. She knows it's not the truth, not the full truth, but she doesn't challenge it, not right away. Just stares, observes.

Then she scoots to sit next to me and I can finally relax no longer constrained by the weight of her gaze.

"Are you really? Fine?"

I could move, just stand and walk away retreat into myself and end this situation altogether. I was used to it, she was used to it. Life would be easier. But I can't. She's changing me and I don't want it to stop. I feel less of a tool and more of a person and it's a feeling I'm appreciating more and more.

"What do you want me to say?" I counter. I might be willing to change but I need guidance.

"This isn't a test, you're not being graded. It's not a mission report or an assessment of your skill or competencies. I'm not a general and you're not my soldier." She adjusts her position so she can face me. "I just want to know the truth whatever it is."

And I'm struck by her sincerity, the honesty and the concern that is evident on her face.

For me.

I search for words that are worthy of the innocence and sincerity I see reflected in her eyes.

"I'm tired." I stutter as I speak. The uncharacteristic words slip from my mouth and I tell her the truth.

I want to look away from her as her features soften even more and there's a shine to her eyes that hint to the emotions she's trying to hide but even that I fail to do.

She puts a hand on my shoulder and keeps it there. I look from it to her and once she realises that I'm not unreceptive to the touch she applies a small amount of pressure, then a little more.

I could easily resist if I wanted to, but I don't. I let her hand guide me until I'm lying on the floor. She lays on her side next to me and I'm still, paralyzed and once again unsure. I hear the rustle of her clothes as she inches closer to my side until I can feel the warmth of her. And I have to get a better look. I roll to my side and mirror her position, one hand tucked under my head the other idle on the floor between us and she smiles as if pleased by the action.

She places her palm against my chest and I all but stop breathing.

"Sleep, I promise I'll keep you safe."

This naïve girl who probably doesn't know the first thing about self-defense and who hates the idea of weapons and fighting has just pledged to keep me safe. Sleep, she says, as if it should be the easiest thing in the world. Probably because it is, at least to most people, the only thing probably easier than sleep is death.

I don't know what it is to sleep. I close my eyes but I'm always aware. You have to be when people want you dead. When you're a tool to be used you always have to be available.

Sleep is a luxury I could never afford.

Yet I can feel my body reacting. My muscles relax and I feel a weight about me I've never felt. My body jolts in revolt and Relena removes her hand from me. I can see it in her face, she knows I want to run and if I do, I know she won't try to stop me.

She doesn't move, just uses the one thing I seem not to be able to defend, her penetrating gaze. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. I know she's not sleeping she's trying to make me comfortable, she's trying to get me to relax.

It works. The tension dissipates from my body, but I can't close my eyes yet. I stay watching her and she knows it. Her eyes are still closed but she's smiling. I close my eyes then no sooner as I do her hand returns to me now clasped over my own and I fight the urge to move.

I don't even want to open my eyes because if my eyes see this I'd be forced to respond and it won't be in a way that either of us will appreciate. So, I keep my eyes closed and again I feel heavy. Sleep is cornering me and I want to fight like a caged animal to get away, it's like no battle I've ever fought before. The battle within, a war between who I want to be and who I was trained to be. Somehow, Relena reads the situation because her hand squeezes mine as if to say it's alright.

"Sleep, you're safe."

And I believe her. I trust my life to a woman who knows nothing of war or fighting. But I trust her when she speaks to me and I want to obey her command.

"Sleep."

There's no more fight left in me. She's robbed me of it. My logical thoughts are coming less frequently, haphazardly, and I know these lapses in time are my consciousness drifting between sleep and wake.

Only seconds before I fall completely. But I'm not worried or afraid.

I couldn't have felt safer if there was an armed guard at the door. There was no warning this time and I definitely couldn't have predicted this but I'm not going to fight it and I fall into sleep for the first time in what seems like years.